Okay, fine... here's some beers I actually dislike...

After my last blog about drinking Guinness Black Lager with my little brother Gary, my blog brother Darryl (a.k.a Shwa Glenn) and my other blog brother Darryl (a.k.a. Stevil) both had a request. Rather than just constantly praising these new beers I come across, can't I find a few to be critical of? You know, lend a little credibility to the whole beer blog genre here? Hate a few, even?

Corona: Mexican for "ass water"

These two fine gentlemen have known me for 30+ years and NOW they're asking me to show a little credibility??? Geezuz, how long ago did that boat sail????
Even Glenn himself noted that the idea of Don hating a beer was one he was having trouble wrapping his head around... but both made the request nonetheless.
Okay, then, in the name of Blog Harmony (I'm trademarking that in case we ever inadvertently become a musical trio), I shall rattle off a list of beers I dislike. Sorry, not gonna say 'hate'. Something as pure and wholesome as beer doesn't deserve hatred. But the fact is, I've never included beers I dislike because... well... why bother? Brew-Ha-Ha! is all about celebrating beer, not condemning it. That said, I don't like everything. And I will be sneaking in a few beers I discovered and loved.
One of the beers whose popularity I have NEVER understood is Corona. That is some of the blandest stuff that has ever hit my stomach lining and people, so you know, I've eaten British food!
You know who doesn't drink this inexplicably-popular Mexican beer? Mexicans themselves! They consider it a "tourist beer".
But American and Canadians visiting Mexico on vacation noticed that the 2,173 Mexicans who do drink Corona (out of a population of 112 million) put a lime wedge in the top. The tourists return home and start a trend doing likewise up here.

Red Stripe against Carib? First round knock-out!!!

Dumb-asses! You know why Mexicans stuff a lime wedge into a Corona? To keep the flies out. Limes are cheap and plentiful there. It's basically a beer plug. Also it would be cruel to the fly to let it drink Corona.
We have a couple of Caribbean beers at my store - Red Stripe and Carib - and I thought it would be fun to pit the two against each other in a little Caribbean Showdown. That is, until I tried the two. Red Stripe is a likable smooth refreshing lager and Carib is... exactly like Corona. Liquid bland. For that matter, so too is Sol, another Mexican beer. So to be honest, I never included that little showdown in my blog just because I instantly disliked one.

Okay, then, moving along... also on the Brew-Ha-Ha Hit List... nearly every mass-produced American beer. I'm singularly talking your big gun American brewers like Miller, Coors, Stroh's and of course, the king of the castle, Anheuser Busch.

Miller Genuine Draft dodges the
Hit List but only because of my
deep affection for draft beer...
I actually like this one...

Here in Canada, we refer to the big American beers as "sex in a canoe." Why? Because they're f**king near water!!! That said, there are some real pluses to the American beer market, ONCE you get away from the mainstream stuff. For instance, there are TONS of medium-sized American breweries which stand out, such as the Boston Beer Company that brews the entire Samuel Adams line of beers. (For Canadians, think of the Boston Beer Company much the same as you'd think of Sleeman's Brewery up here. Not a tiny craft outfit, certainly, but nowhere near as big as Labatt's or Molsons.) And there's literally dozens of medium-sized American breweries cranking out some funky and truly delicious stuff.

Also where the Americans kick some serious Canadian ass? The price of beer. The Provinces and federal government up here tax alcohol so heavily that our prices are ridiculously high, compared to the Americans. I crossed the border to catch a flight to Las Vegas from the Buffalo Airport a year ago and at a gas station of all places, I bought 30 cans of Labatt's Blue (OUR Labatt's Blue) for $20. The cost of 30 cans of Blue up here? About $47. No joke. Why? Most American States don't tax alcohol to a ridiculous degree, if at all.

It's a translation typo. It's actually called Blech's

But where the Americans are super-seriously kicking our Canuck butts? The Craft Brewery Explosion south of the border. In 1978, there were 89 identified different breweries in America. That number slowly climbed and then in the past 10 years just exploded! Craft breweries started popping up left, right and centre. The number of breweries in America now: 2,538 with 446 being added in the last year alone - mostly craft breweries. Plus another 1,605 in the planning stages as you're reading this... In comparison, the Canadian Craft Beer market is practically in its infancy... but it is growing... so go Canada! (Yeah, I know... we'll never catch up. They're 10 times our size.)

Okay, let's look overseas. The big names at our store, such as Heineken, Stella Artois and Grolsch are serviceable beers... but not outstanding. And Beck's, one of the most popular German beers, is downright pedestrian. And that's being charitable. It's the Corona of German beers. There are dozens and dozens of GREAT European beers, many from Germany. And Czech beer? Wait until the day I write about those...

Want some brown sugar in your beer? Look no farther...

Okay, turnabout is fair play. Took a big shot at the American mainstream stuff... and now it's Canada's turn. I have never had an issue with the big Canadian beers... hell, I've had a love affair with them since I was 18. That is, until I started this blog two months ago. In that short span, I have tried so many great Canadian and American craft beers that the mainstream stuff is losing its appeal. What I do these days? Instead of filling my fridge with mainstream beer, which was the norm just two months ago (and for the 35 years prior), I fill half of it with mainstream beer and the other half with the fun craft stuff. My taste in beer has actually changed. In two months. I am more adventurous with stuff I would have snubbed not that long ago. True story. Oh, and by "fill my fridge", I truly mean "sorry about your luck, food..."

We are a useless fruit. We disgrace and dishonour all beer.

But I'm always trying everything new that comes into my store. So Rickard's Cardigan lands. Love Rickard's Red, Blonde and Dark. Really do. Try the Cardigan which is, according to the label, "an Autumn spiced lager infused with seasonal spices of cinnamon, nutmeg, clove and a hint of brown sugar..." A HINT??? That's all I could taste!!  This is not a beer. This is a baste for barbequed ham.

And finally, let's end with the one thing that makes Corona look like the sweetest nectar ever - the beers that Corona inspired: lime-based beer. Lime has no business being in beer. If I want a lime in my beer, I'll add it. But I never will. Despite their  inexplicable popularity, these are also not beer. This is a kid's drink with alcohol. There, I said it. Not gonna take it back. Screw you, lime! You're a beer plug, not an enhancer. The Mexicans know all about you.

Shout-outs!!! Okay, Blog Brother Glenn wrote a pretty funny one today about his ongoing battle against toads. See it here at: Glenn fought the toads... and the toads won! And Blog Brother Stevil St Evil... what can I say? He makes me look sane and that's kinda handy. He grew up in Ontario, moved to BC and now lives in New Zealand and to that end, he looks at the alcohol distribution set-up in these three places... and the inequity of Ontario in his latest blog: Thanksgiving: New Zealand style

Until next time, I remain your humble beer servant, known far and wide as...

Drinking Guinness with my brother... and other beery stuff

Brew-Ha-Ha! has a new fan and it's one that I would have never thought would land in the ranks... my Mom. No, she's never read the blog; her view on beer as an entity are largely - and likely negatively - shaped by my brother's and my beer-fueled tomfoolery over the years and frankly, I'm stunned that the same women who has neither cable nor the internet, not to mention the fact that she still uses rotary phones, would even know what a blog is.

Guinness Black Lager: the in-betweener
that's perfect for me and my brother

This is not a diss on my Mom. She is a highly-intelligent woman. Clearly, that smart-stuff skipped a generation for me. But like many of her generation (she's 83), she has little time for new fads. And to my Mom, a "new fad" is any invention after 1970. To her, Apple is still something you eat once a day... to keep the doctor away.
So why would she be excited that I'm writing a blog? Good question, class. The answer - and I quote - "My friend, Margaret, has a son who started a travel blog and it became so well-known that travel companies and resorts fly him all over the world to review different places!"
I don't have the heart to tell her but... HOLY CRAP, DID THAT GUY LUCK OUT!!!!! I have some pretty serious doubts that Brew-Ha-Ha! is going to garner me the kind of attention that will have breweries sending limos for me to review their beers.That said, if it happens, here's a note to said-breweries: "Send a helicopter or a private jet. I hate traffic. And if the private jet flight attendants could be dressed in French Maid outfits... okay, now I'm getting greedy, aren't I?"

Hi, Kate Upton, can you do the beer glass in the cleavage
thing like my boss did in my last blog? Why, yes, you can! 

Anyhow, my brother Gary, who lives in Valencia, Spain is in town for the month of August and that's pretty exciting for me. They said the best beer you'll ever open is the first one with a best friend and that's true. I have a few of those best friends and yeah, that rocks.
But cracking open a beer with a brother who's been living in Spain and Switzerland (not to mention a stint in Vietnam) since 1985 and only comes back to Canada every three or four years?
That's some special hops, baby. Nothing beats that. Except maybe a night of beer with super-model Kate Upton... and she belches repeatedly... and tells dirty jokes! THAT would kill...

For those about to rock...
we pollute you!!!!

So Gary comes over to Donny's Bar and Grill to have a few wobblies, swap ex-wife and former girlfriend horror stories (as brothers do), remember ridiculous youthful indiscretions and well, you know, just connect again. One problem: Gary loves Guinness. I'm not a fan - too, I dunno, thick and murky for me. But I find a potential solution. Guinness has just released a Black Lager in Ontario. He likes Guinness. I like lagers of all hues. Will this work? (Brew Ha Ha Note: I have been drinking so many stouts recently, especially over this past frigid winter, that I will be revisiting the Guinness issue soon. I expect my take on it may be different now than it was last summer...)

It did. Beautifully, I might add. It was Guinness-y enough for Gary and lager-y enough for me. We both liked it - a lot! That said, it was our starter six-pack. The fridge was jammed with traditional Canadian fare. A case of Labatt's Blue, our reckless youth beer. I can tell you exactly how much we had.... but only because it was all of them! Awesome night. Miss him when he's gone but love the instant 'click' we have when he's back. We just pick up where we left off. I love my little brother. And he really hates when I call him that. So naturally, I do...

Now here's a sampler pack worth trying: the Waterloo
Brewing Small Batch Six-Pack. Three beers, all good..

Okay, my store just got some AC/DC lager in. So is this beer gonna freakin' rock or what? Well, lemme tell ya... not really. Brewed by Brasserie Licorne SAS in Saverine, France, I was expecting some kick-ass European fare. It was not quite that. Certainly, a serviceable beer. Liked it. But unfortunately, my standards are pretty high for European beer. That said, both Gary and I thought the can was cool... so I kept that in my collection. Why some Australian craft brewery didn't jump all over this, I'll never know.

That said, you want a sampler six-pack that IS worth trying? Try the Waterloo Brewing Small-Batch six-pack. Brewed by our old friend Jim Brickman, the founder of Brick Brewing, there's three different beers in this one: Waterloo Classic Pilsner, Waterloo Traditional IPA and Waterloo Jack Pine Belgian Ale in 473-ml cans.

Thought it was a silly gimmick.
But actually, it's quite clever

Now anyone who's been following this blog (Geezuz, Mom, step the hell up! Ummm, kidding... love you. I'm going not to Hell for a joke) knows I love pilsners... and have accepted IPAs as my new beer gods. So did I like these? No. I loved them. Like my LITTLE BROTHER Gary. Hah! The Pilsner was smooth and European; the IPA was a IPA Jr., only slightly hopped but a good summer-time patio beer.  The only question mark: the Belgian Ale. Happy to report... job well done. It's a proper slightly-meatier Belgian ale that I could drink anytime of the year. My Puerto Rican pal, Frankie, is a huge proponent of Brick Brewery, having known Jim Brickman from before he founded Brick Brewery - I think in the advertising game or somesuch. To that end, Frankie (or Sweet Daddy Frankie, as he prefers to be called - I've never asked - I'm afraid of the answer), my fridge is presently stocked hard with Brick's Red Baron Blonde Lager. It's a discount beer ($30 a case) and a damn good one. Also if you're a Corona fan (I'm not), drink Brick's P.C. Cerveza - $15 cheaper a case. Just as good. Oh... one more tidbit from Frankie. He sent me this link. A couple of dozen ways to open a beer - from chainsaws to helicopters - and no, I'm not joking. Check out the link here: How Frankie Opens His Beer

Molson's recently came up with a new way to pour your canned beer: venting. At first, I assumed it was just another gimmick. But no, it's legit. You open the can, twist the little lever and then press down to pop open a second hole. The result? The beer pours smoothly. No *glug, glug, glug* It's actually very clever so hats off to the R&D boys and girls at Molson's!

That's MISTER Cork Soaker to you, ya little douche-bag

And finally, hazards of the job - turning down intoxicated customers. Happened to me twice in the past month. One guy was the size of a Samoan wrestler, actually LOOKED like a Samoan wrestler (no joke) and I'll be honest... I was a little nervous about that. But man, when I said 'no' repeatedly (politely but firmly), he handed back the beer with a big glassy-eyed smile, said, "Okay, bro" ... and staggered out. I loved that guy. Like my LITTLE BROTHER! Hah! With the other guy, I was less lucky. He was bombed and I gently but firmly said "no", repeatedly. He was less charitable than Samoan Wrestling Guy. Not gonna use bad language here but what he called me was remarkably similar to "farging cork-soaker." (See if you can crack that code. Good luck.) Loudly. Slurring. With a lobby full of people. I politely pointed to the sign that says that we're not allowed to serve anyone who "appears" to be intoxicated. After sputtering for a while, he finally relented before leaving and yelling at me, "You're a pussy!" I'll say that. That means soft and lovable like a cat, right? So he staggered out to his bicycle (again - not joking) and I raised my arms in triumph to those in the lobby. "Cork-soaker and pussy! I'm a double-threat!" Yeah, I got a smattering of polite golf applause. Oh well. They can't all be gems.

Super-model Kate Upton with a beer glass in her cleavage.
I haven't used this before, have I? No, I didn't think so...

But the comeback of the year? That belongs to the manager of another store who turned down a drunk dude who then screamed at him that he, too, was a "cork-soaker". The manager looked up and said, "Aw, come on, man. I'm trying to cut down." What can I say? Some guys are quicker than me.

Okay, shout-outs. My New Zealand blog brother Steve has written a real beauty this time out. He recalls how we used to record music back in the olden days - on cassette - and how now you just download them off the internet. That ain't your typical old fart "back in my day" rant. No one (but no one) embraces new tech like Stevil St Evil. Check it out at: 5-Foot-19 It's one of his best... top-five, for sure - and that's saying something. And then there's my other brother Darryl, a.k.a, Glenn, who digs all things east of Toronto, but mostly his town of Oshawa in: Shwa Stories He has an immense backlog, as well - something like 75 blogs. Flip through them. I might be in one. Who knows...

But that's it for this time, ladies and germs. Always remember... I love you all like I love my LITTLE BROTHER Gary!!!! Heh heh heh heh... I remain, as always...

The Roundhouse Craft Beer Festival

When the Roundhouse Craft Beer Festival took place on the Steam Whistle Brewing property on August 10-11, two awesome things happened. #1) The weather was perfect. And #2) I was there. Okay, okay, by "awesome", I mean awesome for me.

Now because it's been strongly suggested that I not attend any event with "Beer" in the name unattended, my boss, Allison, also came along for the ride. It's not legally-mandated or court-ordered. As I said, just "strongly suggested"... by every single person I know or who has ever met me. In my life. All of them.

A T-shirt from the hit TV show "Breaking Beer"... what?
That's not what's it's called? Are you absolutely sure?

Hosted by Steam Whistle Brewing on their property across the street from the SkyDome (hey, you wanna call it the Rogers Centre, be my guest, ya stinkin' sell-out... it'll always be the SkyDome to me), it played host to 15 small Ontario craft brewers, including Black Oak Brewing, King Brewery, Wellington Brewery, Grand River Brewing, Mill Street Brewery, Left Field Brewery, Hogsback Brewing, Flying Monkeys Brewery, Great Lakes Brewing, Beau's Brewing, Amsterdam Brewery, Lake of Bays Brewing, Nicklebrook Brewing, Neustadt Springs Brewery and, of course, the hosts themselves.

At the gate, we paid our $15 admission which came with a 200-ml taster's glass and bought an initial 20 wooden chips, which was the token you gave the server for the sample. (Panic not - more chips were in our future... many more...)

Our first destination was left in my hands and it was a slam-dunk. Beau's All-Natural Brewing. I have been dying to try the Beau's Lug-Tread Lagered Ale. It comes in 4-packs of 600-ml bottles at the LCBO and whenever a customer returns the empties and I ask about it, they absolutely rave. Beau's top-ferments it like an ale (lagers are bottom fermented) but then cold filters it like a lager. Frankly, I didn't even know that was possible but then, craft brewers are always a step ahead of everyone else. Verdict? Different and delicious.

Steam Whistle's Roundhouse is actual an old train station
from days of yore. And because I behaved myself all day,
they named a station after me. My story, sticking to it...

From there, we bounced around with each booth offering up a beer (or three) that I've heard of... but never had. A Neustadt's 10W30 Malty Grain Premium Dark Ale here... a Great Lakes Brewery Crazy Canuck Pale Ale there... that is, until we got to the Flying Monkeys Brewing tent. Allison decided she wanted to try the Orangemungus (a creamsicle-flavoured beer). But I decided it was time for me to shake things up.

I looked to the clear-blue Heavens and swear I saw an image of singer Bobby McFerrin singing to me. (He's not dead - I don't think technically you have to be to appear in a vision. Unless he is dead. I really don't know...)

In his funky calypso voice, Bobby was singing to me, "Don't worry... be hoppy..." (We hadn't eaten yet which would explain the weird-ass hallucination...) Suddenly, it became clear to me. It was suddenly my mission to find the hoppiest India Pale Ales and Dark Ales there and try every single one.

This dude holds up his WWJB (What would Jesus brew?)
T-shirt for me at the Craft Beer Fest. It was blasphilicious

Flying Monkeys, which pretty much proved to be THE most popular tent there over the day and have the catchy company motto "Normal is Weird", did not let me down with their Smashbomb Atomic IPA. Remember last week when I explained the creation of hoppier IPA so British ship could make it to India without barrels of flat beer and how they're measured by IBUs (International Bitterness Units)? Well, let's put it this way... anything over 50 is considered as hoppy and bitter as hell. Smashbomb Atomic IPA clocks in at 72 IBU.

After that, Allison suggested that we hit the food trucks to pad our stomachs before continuing. (You see? That's PRECISELY why it's strongly recommended I not attend these things without a guardian. That sort of thing NEVER dawns on me!) So we ambled from truck to truck before settling on splitting a two-pound poutine offering with four cheeses, plus traditional curds and pulled pork on top. After consuming that, the beer never stood a chance.

This is where bosses like to stash their sample
glass. Close to their hearts. Until beer time!

Since Allison was not part of my Spiritual IPA Quest (simply because Bobby McFerrin did NOT sing to her from the Heavens and she continues to insist she didn't hear anything), we decided while I went IPA-nuts, she'd try other brews and we'd sample each other's. The best part of that? Watching her face contort every time she took a sip of one of my ultra-hoppy IPAs. The cost of a beer chip? $1. Watching your boss in wincing discomfort after a sip of beer? Priceless.

Next up, Amsterdam Brewing's Boneshaker IPA, which clocked in at 85 IBUs. Bones literally shook and at this point, my liver was begging my other internal organs to step in and help out. "Come on, spleen!" my liver wailed, "It's not like you do anything else!!"

From there, it was Nicklebrook's Headstock IPA, clocking in at 80 IBUs. At this point, my bladder was yelling at my liver, "Oh, YOU need help? Lah-dee-frickin-dah! I'm working double-overtime down here!!"

The Steam Whistle Brewery has a tons of 'faux' movie
posters in its dining room. I posed by "The Editor"
because I was one many times. It would be a dull flick!

After that, it was the Netherworld Cascadian Dark Ale (75 IBUs) and the Audrey Hopburn IPA (a much more civilized 65 IBUs).

And then I stumbled (probably literally) upon the Motherhumping Killer Whale Mammoth Woolly Beast of all IPAs.

Ladies and gentlemen, Left Field Brewery's 6-4-3 Double IPA, named after the traditional sequence in a baseball double-play (shortstop to second base to first base). I didn't ask why they named it after a baseball play but at a whoppin' 92 IBUs, I'm gonna guess it's because it's so bitter, it feels like someone took a baseball bat to your skull.

Spiritual IPA Quest aside, we had the time of our lives. We met our Steam Whistle driver, Vince, who slid a bunch more beer chips in our hands, not to mention a bachelor party, which started at the Craft Beer Fest, went to a Blue Jays' game and came back only to realize there was no way they were going to finish their dozens and dozen of pre-bought chips in time. So they handed us about 20 more chips, some of which played a key role in the Spiritual IPA Quest.

Scientific Fact: Craft Beer Festivals
increase the influence on gravity on
all participants, my boss included!

And finally, when my liver yelled at my brain to order some other organs to help out, my brain snapped and yelled back: "Number one, I have the power to shut you down so don't you be bossing me about. And number two, I'm doing everything I can just to make sure this damn idiot doesn't start drunk-texting his ex-girlfriends!"

And finally, my heart chirped in, "Will you people all calm down? All this squawking over some ultra-bitter beer? I will keep you all alive but seriously, chill the hell out!! Now!!"

And that's how the Great Organ Debate of 2013 ended on a peaceful and harmonious note. True story.

So all in all, great day... sunshine, talked to a million people and me and my boss had the time of our lives. Not to mention, the inner peace brought to me (but not my organs) by the sacred Spiritual IPA Quest.

Okay, shout outs... if it's immoral, if it's depraved, well, you can count on my man, Steve. As always, you can catch the wild-man antics and genial insanity of life in New Zealand by clicking on Steve's blog: 5-Foot-19 And then, there's my man, Glenn, whose east-of-Toronto shenanigans, mostly centering on his burg, Oshawa, by clicking here: Shwa Stories

Okay, folks... next up, drinking Guinness with my brother, Gary, who popped in from Valencia, Spain. Until then, I remain...

Funny shirts, breakfast beers, silly savers and Granville Island

Well, okay, if you insist, Jenny. But not at the bar, okay?
Is there a... uhhhh... back-door way out of this dump?

Well, well, well... I wrote yet another brilliant Brew Ha Ha! earlier in the day and by the time I returned home from work, it had disappeared into the ether-wind... And here parents are, warning their kids that they have to be smart because once something's on the Internet, it's there forever... Apparently, not. Once again, Brew Ha Ha! wields ultimate power over the weak and girly-man internet!

Oh well, I'll just stamp my feet and do a second take. How hard can it be to rewrite something I did just 10 hours ago? So it was about... uhhh... beer... something something... beer... squirrel ran by... beer... hey, lady walking her dog... beer... I'm hungry... Okay, starting from scratch, apparently.

First up is the story of British barmaid Jenny Price who posed with a co-worker wearing a "Keep Calm and Try An Ale" T-shirt. Except as you can see on the right, from the angle she was standing at, her shirt suggested something else entirely. The picture of the 27-year-old barmaid's wardrobe malfunction was published in one of Britain's largest newspaper and the image itself got onto the Internet within milliseconds. Said Jenny: "The lads behind the bar haven't stopped sniggering yet." Sniggering is a very polite, very British thing. Here in North America, we laughed our asses off when we saw this picture. We're very silly and immature that way. The final word on this issue goes to Kanye West, who said, "Jenny, Imma let you finish but Janet Jackson had the greatest wardrobe malfunction of all time!" Word up, Kanye... (ya effing douche...)

Muskoka Summer Weiss: Because when you're
at the cottage, goddammit, it's ALWAYS 5 p.m.!!!!

Okay, next up, my blog brother Glenn sent a link to my Facebook page from Cottage Life magazine to a series they ran called: The Ultimate Summer Beer Guide with stories ranging from "How to host a beer tasting" to "How to brew your own beer."
Said Glenn: "I think Cottage Life is trying to steal your thunder." Oh, I think not, puny mortal, for I am Beer Thor, Norse God of Blissfully Buzzed Thunder and Chug-A-Lug Lightning!!!
But the one that caught my attention was one entitled: "7 summer beers for the dock/deck". The writer of the piece clearly knows his craft brewers - no big boys on this list.
One of the beers, Muskoka Brewery's Summer Weiss is certainly notable. I was stocking it on the shelves the other day and noticed it had food serving suggestions on the side of the six-pack. The first suggestion: bacon and eggs or pancakes and waffles. So basically what our friends at Muskoka Brewery are telling us is this: "If you plan to start your beer drinking day at 8 a.m., this is the beer for you!" Beer, the Breakfast of Champions!
I still can't tell if that's creatively evil or downright brilliant. I'll let you know when I try one... time of the day still pending.

A silicone-based cap to put on your
beer when you can't finish it? I'm sorry,
could someone explain what that means?

The one beer the writer suggested that I found fault with was Lake of Bays Brewery's Rock Cut Baysville Lager. It's not the beer itself. I'm sure it's probably excellent. Or least, we'll find out when Lake of Bays finally ships it out. As of the article writing, it hadn't been released yet. (It might be by now.)
But dude, really? Only seven beers on your list and you're recommending one you've never even tasted??? Beer Thor smirks at you, mortal. I drank a damn Banana Bread beer for this blog!!!!! I shall smite thee for thy craven indignity toward malted beverages!!
The other interesting tidbit from the series was found by my other blog brother Steve, a.k.a. Stevil St Evil, who spotted this Beer Saver in the Best Beer Accessories story.
The Beer Saver is a silicone-based cap you put on your beer when you can't finish it. When. You. Can't. Finish. It.
Steve and I puzzled over this for a while. What does that mean? Like you died? Had a heart-attack and managed to utter: "Save... the... beer." A Game of Thrones thing when you're enjoying a tasty brew and suddenly you're decapitated... so a bar-wench grabs your beer and puts a cap on it? So if anyone reading this blog understands what "can't finish your beer" means, pass it along to me and I will relay it to Steve, as well. Between the two of us, we don't understand what could stop you from finishing a beer. It's gotta be something really serious.

Granville Island Brewing: That's B.C. Talk for damn tasty beers!!!

Okay, next on deck... my friend, Cat, twigged to the fact that I wrote a beer blog and strongly suggested I try the Granville Islands beers, brewed off the coast of B.C. and distributed to us Easterners, courtesy of Molson's. Steve, who spend a few years in B.C., backed Cat, noting they were truly tasty.
I grabbed a Granville Island Summer Mingler 12-pack, which has four different beers in it and started with the Cypress Honey Lager. Okay, this has a lot more flavour than the mass-produced honey lagers out here with the possible exception of Sleeman's Honey Brown. Next up was the English Bay Pale Ale, the mildest of the bunch and still damn tasty. The Island Lager packed a little more punch than I was expecting... and that's a good thing. A little friskier than your average lager, that's for sure. And finally, the Brockton IPA... oh man, we have a winner! Okay, quick explanation of the India Pale Ale. Back in the 1700-1800s, when British boats were sailing to India with wooden kegs of beer, the beer usually arrived flat. Olde-Tyme Brewmasters figured out if they upped the hops, the beer lasted longer. Hence the creation of the hoppier India Pale Ales. Now hoppiness is measured in International Bitterness Units or IBUs. On one end of the scale, you have Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale which, while very tasty, is so low on the IBU Scale, it's almost a lager. On the other end, you have Muskoka Brewery's Mad Tom IPA, which is so high on the IBU, you get duck-face because it's so bitter. But the Brockton IPA? Right in the middle! Best of the bunch! Hoppy but not so much so that you die and need a Beer Saver... and look like a dweeb. So thanks to Cat and Steve... great call!

Shout-outs to my two blog brothers both named Darryl... because it's my blog so I'm Larry. Darryl #1 is a master of both mischief and mayhem and we call him Steve. For all things non-stop-fun New Zealand, check out his blog: 5-Foot-19 And then there's Darryl #2, who might have delivered a pizza or two simply because he watches porn and is hoping... well, never mind. My man, Glenn, is on top of everything east of Toronto in his blog: Shwa Stories Until next time, gang at Cheers, I remain...

Polish beer is damn good... and that's no joke

Ahhh, yeah, it's actually pronounced
"Jee-Vitz" and no, I don't know
how that's possible...

Okay, as promised last time, today's blog is all about Polish beers.

Now we have been selling Polish beers for quite some time now. I mean, we also have a huge selection of Czech beer, Belgium beer and Danish beer but if I throw them at you all at once, then this blog starts to look like Germany's "To-Do" List from 1939. Well, until they thought Russia would be a fun little country to take over. ("Really?" said the German commander, "How cold can it be there?")

So several years back, we started getting shipped the beer on the right, which we, of course, pronounced "Zy-Weck." And Eastern Bloc customers would come in and ask if we carried a Polish beer called "Jee-Vitz". No, we would say, our only Polish beer (at that point) was Zy-Weck. That was until my buddy, Martin, was hired. You see, in Martin's house, English is a second language as both his folks are from Poland. Martin and his sister were born here in Canada but both are fluent in Polish - the main language of the household.

So one day, a customer asked if we had a case of Jee-Vitz, I said no, Martin said, "Yes, we do" and proceeded to grab a case of Zywiec. The customer was delighted, Martin had a big smile and all I could say was: "Jee-Vitz? Really?"

They pronounce
this one Tee-Skee.
That, we were able
to figure out.

Now that said, I have been listening on Martin's end of a phone call to his Dad and he speaks a language I can only call Pole-Glish - 90% Polish, 10% English. The conversation usually sounds like this: "Blucka, blucka, blucka... fireworks... blinga, blinga, blinga... explosion... biffa, biffa, biffa... the police... backa, backa, backa... don't tell Mom." Much like North American culture, Eastern Bloc European culture has the same credo: Don't piss off Mom. Some things are world-wide.

But the lesson here was clear: Learn how the beers are pronounced in their native country!! And it's remarkably simple. You ask the customer, they give you the native pronunciation and they seem quite happy you're making the effort to learn. I remember one day years ago, working with my buddy Jay and an older customer asked for a case of the German beer, Warsteiner. Jay says into the mic, "24 Warsteiner" and the customer berates him. "It's Varsteiner, not Warsteiner! There is no 'war'!" he yelled. All I could say after he left was: "Whoa. Someone's still bitter..." That said, most of our multi-cultural exchanges are informative and pretty cool. A Czech customer gave me a history lesson buying some Kozel the other day, in which I learned Budweiser actually started as a Czech beer and gave me the entire story. Reader's Digest Version: the Americans ended up with the shitty recipe, not the good one. Betcha that Czech Budweiser kicked some serious ass.

This one's easy... well, it is if you
know who Lech Wasela was. I do.

Okay, history lesson for you guys and gals now. Zywiec Brewery is located in Zywiec, Poland, established in 1852, which actually makes it a newbie in Europe. Part of a five-brewery conglomeration, they are now owned by Heineken, which has adopted the always-wise "hands off, let them do their thing" approach. The Zywiec we sell is a pale lager but not light by North American standards. Kinda hoppy and damn tasty. Tyskie, brewed by Kompania Piwowaska, also owned by a bigger company now, has been around since 1629 (old-timer) when the Von Promnitz family opened a brewery is Tychy, Poland. To my North American palate, the two beers are remarkably similar but I'm giving Tyskie the edge here. Lech Premium Beer is also brewed by Kompania Piwowska and is a very smooth lager... almost North American smooth - less hoppy, which can be good... or bad, depending of how you feel about beer. Lech goes down remarkably easy - they all do - but I'll be honest, I can see why Europeans buy this by the case (as they do the other two.)

Also, I'm drinking these beers while I write this and am 17 seconds away from proposing marriage to Lech. That's one hot blonde beer.

This one's pronounced
"Oh-KO-chim". I like to
think I'd be smart enough
to guess that. Maybe...

And finally, we have Okocim Premium Pale, brewed by the Okocim Brewery in Brzecko back in 1845. Hah, newbie! Like Lech, also an incredibly smooth pale pilsner. So we have two - Zywiec and Tyskie - that are traditionally European hoppy and two - Lech and Okocim - that are, well, North American smooth.

Pick your poison, friends. I will be honest - I enjoyed every single one. Also... a little buzzed. (By the way, after I proposed marriage, Lech said no. It wants to see other beers. Bitch.)

Okay, shifting gears. Yesterday on Facebook, my high school buddy, Lubin, posted pretty much the coolest thing I have ever seen. It's a brewery locator. For what? Well, how about EVERY SINGLE BREWERY in the world??? Lubin posts a lot of socio-political stuff on Facebook, which is how you should be using social media. I use Facebook like I'm a really bad Catskills stand-up comedian so my statuses might be worth marginally more of a chuckle with your morning coffee but you learn a helluva lot more about the world (not to mention music, new and old) from Lubin. And yeah, he was this annoying smart in high school. That said, love and admire the dude. He's the walking definition of Awesome Dad, which carries a lot of weight in Brew Ha Ha's World. Folks, here is Lubin's discovery... Lubin's Super-Cool Brewery Locator!

And finally, before I sign off for today... I'll just say this. This is what happens to your 2007 Ford Focus hatchback when you have a seminar to attend... and Martin has to work in your Beer Store. He shrink-wraps the damn car... I will get back at you, Martin... some day, some way... in the meanwhile, dude, how about a Lech??? Or a Tyskie... or Zywiec... or Okocim??? Like 'em all!

Dammit, Martin, show a little respect for the classic 2007 Ford Focus hatchback! Hmmm, I guess this is about right...

Okay, shout-outs! My buddy Steve in New Zealand... the Goose to my Maverick... here's his blog right here: Evil Stevil And Glenn, my pal in Oshawa? Just got his 3,000th hit on his blog... so impressive! You can find him at: Shwa Stories!

Until next time, I remain... Donny The Beer Machine!!!!

Cans vs Bottles... and Shona's Girls' Night Beer-Fest

You think you can tell the
difference... but you can't.
I'll bet you $20... No, make that
$10 MILLION... then I can retire
on the strength of your wrongness!

Every once in a while, I will hear someone say something to the effect of  "Oh no, I don't like the taste of beer in a can. It tastes metallic!!" I smile and nod politely, resisting the urge to ask them, "Just how much metal have you eaten in your life?" because the customer is always right (even when they're dead-wrong) and carry on. Where I work, there's lots of beer in cans, lots of beer in bottles and I don't really care which vessel it's purchased in... so long as it's purchased.

But is there a difference? Maybe once upon a time when beer was in steel cans. Beer had yet to be adopted by the aluminium can back in my misspent youth where we happily swilled from steel cans that were, frankly, a bitch to open. You need one of those triangular pointed can openers to crack that bad boy. When they came along with pull-tabs, you still needed that triangular opener can for the bottom of the can if you wanted to shot-gun it. How we didn't end up with more broken teeth is beyond me. I can't remember any metallic taste. Perhaps there was with the first one or two... but the 12-plus after that?? Nahhhhh.

A full glass is a happy glass! And
an empty glass is a sad, lonely and
pathetic waste of glass!!! Smarten
the hell up. Fill that glass!

I was always one of those beer quaffers who when offered a glass, simply said, "No, beer comes in its own glass." An oddly-shaped glass, mind you... but a glass of sorts. However, as my cohorts and I were taught at The Beer Academy in Toronto, beer is meant to be poured into a glass, largely because it activates the carbonation properly, giving your pint that nice head. As well, you can see the colour and hue of the beer which will give you an idea of the maltiness of the beverage. The aroma will give your a heads-up to his hoppiness and finally, a glass has a much bigger open gap on top than a bottle does so you have some kick-ass easy-flowing goodness in your hands there...

The point is: pour it in a glass, blindfold people and they can't tell the difference. Don't believe me? Well, thanks to my buddy Steve, I saw a video created by New Zealand's Boundary Road Brewery debunking that very myth. See it for yourself and clicking here on: Boundary Road Brewery Taste Test

Once upon a time, mail was delivered to your house
 and was placed conveniently  in a mailbox. And milk
was delivered door-to-door. And many suburban
children bore a remarkable resemblance to the milkman.

Okay, here at Brew-Ha-Ha, I try to answer any and all questions posed to the best of my ability. Questions can be diverse as: "Do you drink as much beer as your blog suggests?" (Yes... that said, I also believe in moderation in all things... especially moderation because who the hell needs moderation... so really a double-edged sword), "What's the best beer to eat with a cheeseburger?" (Whatever's in your fridge, Brainiac, it's a damn burger), "Are you my Daddy?" (No, I'm not, kid, please stop following me and calling me that) and of course, "Why is there a body in your trunk?" (Part of my touring magic act, Officer).

But my friend, Shona, actually asked me a REAL beer question the other day on Facebook. I was so excited, I passed out from Joy. (Joy is the nickname I gave that particular case of beer.) Anyways, here's Shona's question:

If you're not going to eat fruit,
as your family doctor, I highly
recommend this as an alternative

Hey Don, I'm a foodie and I have an idea for beer cheese fondue. I have the selection of cheeses picked out and the accompaniments would be a variety of smoked sausage as well as apple and pear slices. Any suggestions on the beer?

My Answer: Yeah, several... the trick here is the milder the cheese, the milder the beer. You don't want one flavour overpowering the other but rather complementing each other. Ergo, the heavier the cheese, the more powerful the beer. For your light cheeses, say, Brie or Mild Cheddar, you want the lighter beer such as a lager or an actual light beer. Next step, a medium Cheddar or Emmental/Swiss with a little bite, you go a little heavier - a Pilsner or an IPA. You get up to an Old Cheddar or similar one, you want an ale or a wheat beer. Finally, your heavy-duty cheese, such as Blue Cheese, you need an equally strong beer such as a porter or a stout.

Yes, you read that correctly. The
goodness of bananas in beer form!!!

With the sausage, pretty much the same thing. Mild sausage, mild beer. Spicy sausage, heartier beer. As for fruits, opinions vary but my thinking is many Canadian white beers, such as Richard's White, have a tinge of orange flavouring in them with a hint of spiciness. Match fruit with fruit flavoured beer. The lime-beers such as Bud Light Lime (very sweet... too sweet, actually) or Miller Chill (much more tart) might also be a good mix with the fruit. But guys will likely avoid them. I do.

At that point with the conversation continuing on Facebook, I remembered there's other fruit-flavoured beers, such as McAuslan's Apricot Wheat Ale, not to mention Well's Banana Bread Beer which was pointed out to me by my clever and thoughtful former Beer Store buddy Tommy Salami one day when I lamented on Facebook that it was too bad that I couldn't turn all those bananas that go black during the week into something useful, like beer.

Note to Shona and her fondue friends:
Beer leads to Beer Goggles so beware!

The conversation continued and Steve noted that a stronger IPA would work with the heartier cheeses. I whole-heartedly agree and suggested the stronger Sleeman's IPA or the super-hoppy Mad Tom IPA from Muskoka Brewery. Note: despite the fact he lives in New Zealand, seconds later, Steve also suggested the Mad Tom. Even a half-world away, Steve, too, knows Canadian brew. Smaller and craft breweries kick out much more flavourful IPAs. Now as the Brew-Ha-Ha dude, I've had all the white beers and lime beers but can I really recommend either the Apricot Wheat Ale or Banana Bread Beer to Shona WITHOUT trying them?? Oh, I think not. That would be highly irresponsible. You all know me: Mr Responsible. (Stop laughing, Mom... and Ex-Wife #1... and Ex-Wife #2...)

Keep your damn pot of gold. I'm good here!

At the moment, completely on Shona's behalf (because I'm a giver - that scheming bitch Mother Theresa has nothing on me) I am trying the Apricot Wheat. A confession: I couldn't for the life of me remember what an apricot tasted like. How I have never died of scurvy is beyond me. Something like a peach? That question was answered the minute I poured it into the glass. I could smell it. Right, apricot... memories of running through an apricot orchard as a child came flooding back. Not my memories, mind you. But somebody's, I'm sure. I have no idea where apricots grow. Okay, this is a tasty beer that I believe would go well with the fruit portion of Shona's shindig. But as Steve and I discussed, this is a dessert or aperitif beer. One, maybe two. That's it. But I think Shona's gal-pals will dig it.

Okay, fresh beer glass. I have plenty and I want the Banana Bread Beer recommended by Tommy to stand on its own. Now where the Apricot Wheat beer was a made-in-Canada product, the Banana Bread Beer was made by Wells in Bedford, England. Okay, this is a much heavier beer, being a British Ale but at 5.2%, pretty much the same alcohol content.

The Pie Hole: why bother with pie??

Okay, where I give the Banana beer a huge edge over its Apricot brethren is that it's far less sweet. So we have a real winner here. You taste the banana but it's slighter than the apricot which is all you taste. But like the Apricot beer, this Banana beer is "one... and done." Good call, Tommy!

Okay, quick story before I wrap this up. When Bud Light Lime was released a few summers back, we could not keep it in stock. Personally, it was so sweet that I thought it tasted like Sprite but there was no denying its popularity. And frankly, it gave us one of the funniest commercials in a while. Wanna see it? Click here on: Bud Light Lime: In The Can

That's it, homeys... and my sweet friend Shona, who's brave enough to ask Brew-Ha-Ha a question... any question! Couple of shout-outs. You like funny stories from New Zealand? Check out my bro Steve's blog at: 5-Foot-19 How about life east of Toronto, say, the Oshawa area? Well, then, you wanna read my buddy Glenn's blog here: Shwa Stories

Next up: Polish beers!!! Which was supposed to be this blog. But Shona asked me a question so...

How Brewery Ommegang snagged Game of Thrones

I have in my possession two 750-ml bottles of Game of Thrones Blonde Ale, created last March by Brewery Ommegang in tiny Cooperstown, New York - a small craft brewery with a couple of dozen seasonal and year-round beers.

Tyrion Lannister drank 18 of
these one night and slept with a
12-pack of whores afterwards.
Dirty little imp...

The March release coincided with the Season 3 premier of the unbelievably-but-understandably popular HBO series, Game of Thrones, a mystical, medieval series that has basically taken the TV viewing world by storm. And in author George R. R. Martin's world, both the northern region of Winterfell and throne divider The Wall are never storm-free. Season 3 is over now and it was a season where *MULTIPLE-SPOILER ALERT* the beautious queen-wannabe Daenerys' dragons got kick-ass huge and prone to barbequeing anyone who tried to take them, Jamie Lannister learned humility after getting his "King-Slayer" hand chopped off, the great chunk of the noble Stark family got gutted at a family wedding (weddings are just brutal for boorish behavior; Medieval ones even moreso), Jon Snow finally got some you-know-what and fan-favourite Tyrion Lannister said something astutely and hilariously clever. Repeatedly. Show after show, just as he has since Season 1. He clearly is the Best Medieval Imp ever. I know this because he told me so.

So how did a tiny Cooperstown brewery land the rights to the hottest show on TV??? Well, that's a helluva question. One I even asked myself especially as I am prone to asking myself questions, such as "What day is this?" and "Where the hell am I?" and, of course, that old classic, "Where did this dead hooker come from?"

So I hunted through the Internet. Scoured it high and low for the answer. I read press releases from Ommegang CEO Simon Thorpe, HBO Director of Marketing Pamela Levine, HBO CEO  Richard Plepler and any number of corporate minions to try and figure it out. And, to be honest, I also got distracted by way too many pictures of cats, funny memes, bizarre signs and, well... was anyone else aware there's A LOT of nudity on the Internet?  I know, I know... you could have knocked me over with a feather when I discovered that... Who the hell knew, eh?

But after being a journalist for 25-plus years, I know how to read a corporate press release. HBO said words to the effect of "We felt Brewery Ommegang would be the perfect brewery for the Game of Thrones line because they had a long reputation of... blah, blah, blah, corporate double-speak..."

Had I written that HBO press release, it would have been more honest. "HBO is thrilled to have chosen an American brewery located in Cooperstown, the home of the Baseball Hall of Fame. What's more American than that? Also they paid us a crapload of cash for the rights, basically more than anyone else was willing to. And in related news, HBO now also owns the Baseball Hall of Fame."

Oh, for Christ's sake, will
someone hand Jon Snow
a damn beer. Poor bastard...

Brewery Ommegang's press release was equally as vague and elusive. Something like: "We're thrilled to be connected and have the honour of brewing beers in the name of the highest calibre of television entertainment, a world-wide phenomenon known as Game of Thrones... blah, blah, blah, corporate double-speak..."

My more-honest Ommegang press release? "As well as owning the Baseball Hall of Fame, HBO executives now own any child born to an Ommegang employee, get all the free beer they want, HBO execs can hold Ommegang keggers at our houses with wife-swap rights, are allowed to bathe in our vats, all the grilled cheese sandwiches they can eat, a written promise to try to genetically re-create both direwolves and fire-breathing, flying dragons and, of course, Peter Dinklage is now Cooperstown Mayor."

However, corporate speak aside, I absolutely DO trust brewmasters, such as Ommegang's Phil Leinhart. Why? Because brewmasters make beer. If there's a more noble job in the world - nay, the universe - you are welcome to enlighten me. Said Phil: "No one enjoys their job more than I do." (Totally buy that.) Then there was some obligatory kiss-ass corporate stuff about the cultural phenomenon of Game of Throne and creating a beer that reflected that, blah, blah, blah. That's cool - Phil's a wage-slave like the rest of us. I get currying favour. That's fine. Plus as mentioned, brewmaster - so on this end, WIDE latitude give to my man, Phil, because, well, coolest job on Earth. (Unless you actually possess three fire-breathing dragons, are amassing a huge army... and are unbelievably stunning...)

But god bless Dionysus, the Roman God Of Drinking and Fun, because Phil finished this PR clap-trap right.

"With a Lannister currently on the throne, it made sense to do a delicate but piercing Golden Blonde Ale with noble hops. Iron Throne is certainly fair in colour and soft in appearance, yet it still possesses a complexity and bit to be on guard for..."

I like horses. Height-wise, a great
equalizer. That could also be a typo
because I'm equally fond of whores...

Okay, right now, Ommegang has the Iron Throne Blonde Ale out there for public consumption. Coming this fall will be their Take The Black Stout. But as I said, I have now had their Iron Throne Blonde Ale. And? Okay, this is one interesting brew.

For starters, it's corked with a little metal twisty thing that they put on champagne bottles (I believe 'cage rib' might be the name). Never in my life have I had a corked beer. The second you pop that cork, you get hit with a fruit and spice scent to this brew. Obviously, as all beers SHOULD be, you have to pour it in a glass... but slowly. There are small traces of sediment at the bottom. This is not a kegger chug beer. Much like, say, Guinness, you are likely to end up with 2 inches of head on this bad boy. Don't panic. It settles quickly to about a quarter-inch. It's brewed as a Belgium Ale so there's gonna be some light citrus-like taste, perfect for Summer. Not a huge fan of flavoured beer but you know what? When it comes to beer, especially craft beer, try everything. The Belgium whites, with their orange and coriander are actually nice on a hot, summer patio. As a starter. Not an all-night run. That said, it's a bit toned-down for a Belgium Ale because they are trying to appeal to a mass market. And an American market to boot (although to their credit, more craft breweries in the U.S. than anywhere else.) Honest to Dionysus, this is a tasty brew.

Yeah, I'm smoking hot and I have three flying, fire-breathing
dragons. You ever met anyone else on your silly little online
dating site quite like me? Yeah, that's right... I don't think so... 

Okay, as mentioned, next up for the Ommegang... uhhh, gang? The brewery's Game of Thrones' Take The Black Stout coming out this Fall. I'm not a huge stout or porter fan but... like I said, you gotta try it all. (NOTE: this was written months ago - I officially love GOOD porters and stouts.) And through little jumps and hurdles, I am slowly becoming a fan of many beers I never thought I'd like. To my credit, though, I have always been a fan of many beers... period. So I have an edge.

Okay, quick shout-out to a few of brothers-in-crime. My New Zealand college bro, Steve, recently invited a buddy, Robert, and a couple of his lady friends crash at his Wellington man-pad for a NZ Beer Fest. They all got treated to the time of their lives... beer, fun and a repeatedly series of both huge and small earthquakes!

Seriously, why has no one killed me yet?

To catch his crazy act of generous hosting, merry pranksmanship, total "I call Shenanigans" behaviour and terribly funny tomfoolery, check his blog out: 5-foot-19

Okay, let's throw my other college buddy, Glenn, into the blog mix, as well, especially since he gave my son, David, a huge nod after winning three medals at the Provincial Special Olympics two weekends ago. You can find him here at: Shwa Stories

Dudes and dudettes, been a slice. As always. And remember, much like Games of Thrones, there may be many people who betray you in your pathetic, mortal life. But beer?? NEVER!!! Later...