|True, I had perfected the Lemmy From Motorhead 'stashe but that was|
not enough to eclipse Jake, who notched the Tom Selleck in one month?
Even little girl play make-up aiding my cause is not gonna beat a Selleck.
Granted, they just don't hand beers and ball caps out. You gotta earn them. And I did. Well, being single, not bothering to shave comes far too easily to me so effort wasn't really a key factor here. When serious effort is involved, I expect others to step up. Not really my forte. That said, if you need something done that involves zero effort, hey, I'm your guy.
So anyway, that's what I did. Through the month of November, I simply didn't shave. And then on November 29, I shaved off everything on my face that didn't look like a cheezy heavy metal biker moustache.
But I had an issue with my impending stache so I took it up with my coworker, Trey, who is basically the King of Halloween. How good is he? One year, he went as Azazel from the movie, X-Men: First Class. Since it's possible you're not familiar with that Oscar calibre superhero movie, allow me to describe the character. He's bright red. Head to toe. Oh yeah, he's dressed in a sharp Brooks Bros type suit and has a big-ass devil's tail that can grab or even choke you. If you care about his power, he's a teleporter, meaning if you take a swing at him, *poof* he'll disappear into thin air and then instantly appear behind you to clobber you on the back of your skull.
|My bro, Charles, looks a little panic-stricken as he has his|
Mov shaved at the Nickel Brook Movember Wrap-Up
Party. Charles, my inside sales rep, didn't place in the
Stashe Contest but was happy to be rid of the face-hair!
So anyway, as Nickel Brook's Movember Wrap-Up Party fast approached, I said to the Costume King that I was worried about my stache. Yes, it was ugly and hairy but also far too gray. "I bet if it was orange or blue, I could win this thing!" I said confidently. I suggested that I could use either the orange or blue highlighter in the office to touch it up.
At this point, I imagine Trey could see being stuck having to look at me at work for a month with orange or blue all around my mouth and offered an alternative solution. He suggested going to the dollar store, buying a little girl's make-up kit and using the eye shadow on my stashe. (I mistakenly called it "mascara" on Twitter and Facebook but it turns out that's the eyelash one. I needed the eyelid one, which is actually what I bought. I just called it the wrong thing.) So I did. There's a dollar store in our mall and I found a Pretty Princess Make-Up Fun kit there. Set me back $1.50. One of their more expensive mark-ups, I assume.
So the night of the big Mov Party, I cracked open the Pretty Princess kit and used the brush to colour my stache. Honestly, I couldn't see anything at first. But being colour-blind, subtle shade changes elude me. So I kept going until all the baby blue eye-shadow was gone. I could see it pretty well then. That sucker was bright pale blue.
What it also did was add like five pounds of gunk to my stashe, making it look huge. So much so that when I walked into Nickel Brook, guys were asking, "Did you grow that in a month?" That is actually the subject of some debate at work. I honestly maintain I did. The others there, so used to seeing me scruffy as shit so often, are less sure. I'm sticking by my
In the end, the contest judges, Jerry and his three-man crew from Village Cigar Co. in Burlington, would ask us each to say what the name of our stashe was. I had already taken care of that. When I came in, I spotted Charles, my inside sales rep and Matt, the brewery's marketing manager at the bar. I introduced them to my Lemmy From Motorhead stashe and added, "If you can name more than five Motorhead songs, then you're actually in Motorhead."
|Now Nickel Brook marketing manager Matthew|
Gibson may not be rocking the Mov but dammit, you
can't beat him at the Zoolander Contest. That good
looking bastard. He makes us all look like wannabes.
In the end, slightly more than a dozen of us went up to the stage area for the big Mov-Off. I was liking my chances... until I spotted Jake. That bastard had grown the perfect Tom Selleck in one month. Any guy will tell you a Tom Selleck trumps Lemmy From Motorhead. Hell, in a Moustache Contest, a Selleck trumps everything. It's the perfect stache.
So we all paraded past the judges, one by one. Meat market? More like a meat-head market. One of the judges asked me, "Is yours blue because you're a Leaf fan?" As I was opening my mouth to answer, two of them barked, "Just say yes!" So I just said, "Auston Matthews forever!" Beats explaining the Pretty Princess Make-Up Fun kit by a mile. But the last judge was so uncertain I had grown it in one month that he started feeling the rest of my chin and neck for stubble. Being as I had just shaved the night before, there wasn't much to feel. Some rough edges, maybe. The doubt was strong in this judge. And with good reason. While I am able to grow a solid ugly-ass goatee, a full beard? Nope. Too many patchy spots. But that was fine. I knew placing would be the best I could do on this day. So after the judges ran us all through the hoops, we all retreated to our tables (or in my case, the bar) and awaited their deliberations.
Eventually, Nickel Brook marketing manager Matt got up and grabbed the mic. He announced the third place winner. Not me. Holy shit, could I actually win this damn thing? Next he said, "With some help from special effects..." Okay, well then, that would be me. Jake, of course, won. As he should have.
So I texted Trey, still at work, and said, "I came second!" I was pretty proud and I figured, given his expert input, he would be, too. He was. I got his text back. "You were first runner-up." (Man, I tell ya, this dude takes his costumes seriously.)
But on my way home, I popped into the Beer Store before it closed for the evening to slide a couple of thank you beers Trey's way. At the cash was our stellar part-timer, Armen, who didn't even recognize me. "There's a character in the Game Of Thrones books who has a blue beard," he told me afterwards. "I thought you were him." To that, I will just say... George RR Martin, I am ready for my blood-drenched battle-ax-swinging close-up!
Both Armen and Trey were actually stunned I lost until I explained the winner had a Selleck. Okay yeah, they both acknowledged. You don't beat that.
But gang, I'm still getting chirped on my Mov. You see, Barrie Beer Bro Hago, thinks it's Photoshop. He does not believe a stache this glorious is even possible. But here's the thing. I'm seeing my favourite Canadian soldier boy today at our big Barrie Craft Brewery Invasion. It's the same Group of Seven that took over Whitby craft breweries last year. So I kept Lemmy for another week and bought another Pretty Princess Make-Up Fun kit to go Code Blue on this ugly-ass bastard again. Because he can't call "photoshop" if he's taking the pictures. You know you'll be reading about today real soon. We're hitting Redline, Flying Monkeys, Barnstormer, Muskoka and Sawdust City. One day. Five breweries. No one standing by the end. Not even joking. But Scooby Doo Gang, that's it, that's all and I am outta here. Thank you to Nickel Brook for such a fun night. Until next time, I remain...