Okay, fine... here's some beers I actually dislike...

After my last blog about drinking Guinness Black Lager with my little brother Gary, my blog brother Darryl (a.k.a Shwa Glenn) and my other blog brother Darryl (a.k.a. Stevil) both had a request. Rather than just constantly praising these new beers I come across, can't I find a few to be critical of? You know, lend a little credibility to the whole beer blog genre here? Hate a few, even?

Corona: Mexican for "ass water"

These two fine gentlemen have known me for 30+ years and NOW they're asking me to show a little credibility??? Geezuz, how long ago did that boat sail????
Even Glenn himself noted that the idea of Don hating a beer was one he was having trouble wrapping his head around... but both made the request nonetheless.
Okay, then, in the name of Blog Harmony (I'm trademarking that in case we ever inadvertently become a musical trio), I shall rattle off a list of beers I dislike. Sorry, not gonna say 'hate'. Something as pure and wholesome as beer doesn't deserve hatred. But the fact is, I've never included beers I dislike because... well... why bother? Brew-Ha-Ha! is all about celebrating beer, not condemning it. That said, I don't like everything. And I will be sneaking in a few beers I discovered and loved.
One of the beers whose popularity I have NEVER understood is Corona. That is some of the blandest stuff that has ever hit my stomach lining and people, so you know, I've eaten British food!
You know who doesn't drink this inexplicably-popular Mexican beer? Mexicans themselves! They consider it a "tourist beer".
But American and Canadians visiting Mexico on vacation noticed that the 2,173 Mexicans who do drink Corona (out of a population of 112 million) put a lime wedge in the top. The tourists return home and start a trend doing likewise up here.

Red Stripe against Carib? First round knock-out!!!

Dumb-asses! You know why Mexicans stuff a lime wedge into a Corona? To keep the flies out. Limes are cheap and plentiful there. It's basically a beer plug. Also it would be cruel to the fly to let it drink Corona.
We have a couple of Caribbean beers at my store - Red Stripe and Carib - and I thought it would be fun to pit the two against each other in a little Caribbean Showdown. That is, until I tried the two. Red Stripe is a likable smooth refreshing lager and Carib is... exactly like Corona. Liquid bland. For that matter, so too is Sol, another Mexican beer. So to be honest, I never included that little showdown in my blog just because I instantly disliked one.

Okay, then, moving along... also on the Brew-Ha-Ha Hit List... nearly every mass-produced American beer. I'm singularly talking your big gun American brewers like Miller, Coors, Stroh's and of course, the king of the castle, Anheuser Busch.

Miller Genuine Draft dodges the
Hit List but only because of my
deep affection for draft beer...
I actually like this one...

Here in Canada, we refer to the big American beers as "sex in a canoe." Why? Because they're f**king near water!!! That said, there are some real pluses to the American beer market, ONCE you get away from the mainstream stuff. For instance, there are TONS of medium-sized American breweries which stand out, such as the Boston Beer Company that brews the entire Samuel Adams line of beers. (For Canadians, think of the Boston Beer Company much the same as you'd think of Sleeman's Brewery up here. Not a tiny craft outfit, certainly, but nowhere near as big as Labatt's or Molsons.) And there's literally dozens of medium-sized American breweries cranking out some funky and truly delicious stuff.

Also where the Americans kick some serious Canadian ass? The price of beer. The Provinces and federal government up here tax alcohol so heavily that our prices are ridiculously high, compared to the Americans. I crossed the border to catch a flight to Las Vegas from the Buffalo Airport a year ago and at a gas station of all places, I bought 30 cans of Labatt's Blue (OUR Labatt's Blue) for $20. The cost of 30 cans of Blue up here? About $47. No joke. Why? Most American States don't tax alcohol to a ridiculous degree, if at all.

It's a translation typo. It's actually called Blech's

But where the Americans are super-seriously kicking our Canuck butts? The Craft Brewery Explosion south of the border. In 1978, there were 89 identified different breweries in America. That number slowly climbed and then in the past 10 years just exploded! Craft breweries started popping up left, right and centre. The number of breweries in America now: 2,538 with 446 being added in the last year alone - mostly craft breweries. Plus another 1,605 in the planning stages as you're reading this... In comparison, the Canadian Craft Beer market is practically in its infancy... but it is growing... so go Canada! (Yeah, I know... we'll never catch up. They're 10 times our size.)

Okay, let's look overseas. The big names at our store, such as Heineken, Stella Artois and Grolsch are serviceable beers... but not outstanding. And Beck's, one of the most popular German beers, is downright pedestrian. And that's being charitable. It's the Corona of German beers. There are dozens and dozens of GREAT European beers, many from Germany. And Czech beer? Wait until the day I write about those...

Want some brown sugar in your beer? Look no farther...

Okay, turnabout is fair play. Took a big shot at the American mainstream stuff... and now it's Canada's turn. I have never had an issue with the big Canadian beers... hell, I've had a love affair with them since I was 18. That is, until I started this blog two months ago. In that short span, I have tried so many great Canadian and American craft beers that the mainstream stuff is losing its appeal. What I do these days? Instead of filling my fridge with mainstream beer, which was the norm just two months ago (and for the 35 years prior), I fill half of it with mainstream beer and the other half with the fun craft stuff. My taste in beer has actually changed. In two months. I am more adventurous with stuff I would have snubbed not that long ago. True story. Oh, and by "fill my fridge", I truly mean "sorry about your luck, food..."

We are a useless fruit. We disgrace and dishonour all beer.

But I'm always trying everything new that comes into my store. So Rickard's Cardigan lands. Love Rickard's Red, Blonde and Dark. Really do. Try the Cardigan which is, according to the label, "an Autumn spiced lager infused with seasonal spices of cinnamon, nutmeg, clove and a hint of brown sugar..." A HINT??? That's all I could taste!!  This is not a beer. This is a baste for barbequed ham.

And finally, let's end with the one thing that makes Corona look like the sweetest nectar ever - the beers that Corona inspired: lime-based beer. Lime has no business being in beer. If I want a lime in my beer, I'll add it. But I never will. Despite their  inexplicable popularity, these are also not beer. This is a kid's drink with alcohol. There, I said it. Not gonna take it back. Screw you, lime! You're a beer plug, not an enhancer. The Mexicans know all about you.

Shout-outs!!! Okay, Blog Brother Glenn wrote a pretty funny one today about his ongoing battle against toads. See it here at: Glenn fought the toads... and the toads won! And Blog Brother Stevil St Evil... what can I say? He makes me look sane and that's kinda handy. He grew up in Ontario, moved to BC and now lives in New Zealand and to that end, he looks at the alcohol distribution set-up in these three places... and the inequity of Ontario in his latest blog: Thanksgiving: New Zealand style

Until next time, I remain your humble beer servant, known far and wide as...