Drinking Guinness with my brother... and other beery stuff

Brew-Ha-Ha! has a new fan and it's one that I would have never thought would land in the ranks... my Mom. No, she's never read the blog; her view on beer as an entity are largely - and likely negatively - shaped by my brother's and my beer-fueled tomfoolery over the years and frankly, I'm stunned that the same women who has neither cable nor the internet, not to mention the fact that she still uses rotary phones, would even know what a blog is.

Guinness Black Lager: the in-betweener
that's perfect for me and my brother

This is not a diss on my Mom. She is a highly-intelligent woman. Clearly, that smart-stuff skipped a generation for me. But like many of her generation (she's 83), she has little time for new fads. And to my Mom, a "new fad" is any invention after 1970. To her, Apple is still something you eat once a day... to keep the doctor away.
So why would she be excited that I'm writing a blog? Good question, class. The answer - and I quote - "My friend, Margaret, has a son who started a travel blog and it became so well-known that travel companies and resorts fly him all over the world to review different places!"
I don't have the heart to tell her but... HOLY CRAP, DID THAT GUY LUCK OUT!!!!! I have some pretty serious doubts that Brew-Ha-Ha! is going to garner me the kind of attention that will have breweries sending limos for me to review their beers.That said, if it happens, here's a note to said-breweries: "Send a helicopter or a private jet. I hate traffic. And if the private jet flight attendants could be dressed in French Maid outfits... okay, now I'm getting greedy, aren't I?"

Hi, Kate Upton, can you do the beer glass in the cleavage
thing like my boss did in my last blog? Why, yes, you can! 

Anyhow, my brother Gary, who lives in Valencia, Spain is in town for the month of August and that's pretty exciting for me. They said the best beer you'll ever open is the first one with a best friend and that's true. I have a few of those best friends and yeah, that rocks.
But cracking open a beer with a brother who's been living in Spain and Switzerland (not to mention a stint in Vietnam) since 1985 and only comes back to Canada every three or four years?
That's some special hops, baby. Nothing beats that. Except maybe a night of beer with super-model Kate Upton... and she belches repeatedly... and tells dirty jokes! THAT would kill...

For those about to rock...
we pollute you!!!!

So Gary comes over to Donny's Bar and Grill to have a few wobblies, swap ex-wife and former girlfriend horror stories (as brothers do), remember ridiculous youthful indiscretions and well, you know, just connect again. One problem: Gary loves Guinness. I'm not a fan - too, I dunno, thick and murky for me. But I find a potential solution. Guinness has just released a Black Lager in Ontario. He likes Guinness. I like lagers of all hues. Will this work? (Brew Ha Ha Note: I have been drinking so many stouts recently, especially over this past frigid winter, that I will be revisiting the Guinness issue soon. I expect my take on it may be different now than it was last summer...)

It did. Beautifully, I might add. It was Guinness-y enough for Gary and lager-y enough for me. We both liked it - a lot! That said, it was our starter six-pack. The fridge was jammed with traditional Canadian fare. A case of Labatt's Blue, our reckless youth beer. I can tell you exactly how much we had.... but only because it was all of them! Awesome night. Miss him when he's gone but love the instant 'click' we have when he's back. We just pick up where we left off. I love my little brother. And he really hates when I call him that. So naturally, I do...

Now here's a sampler pack worth trying: the Waterloo
Brewing Small Batch Six-Pack. Three beers, all good..

Okay, my store just got some AC/DC lager in. So is this beer gonna freakin' rock or what? Well, lemme tell ya... not really. Brewed by Brasserie Licorne SAS in Saverine, France, I was expecting some kick-ass European fare. It was not quite that. Certainly, a serviceable beer. Liked it. But unfortunately, my standards are pretty high for European beer. That said, both Gary and I thought the can was cool... so I kept that in my collection. Why some Australian craft brewery didn't jump all over this, I'll never know.

That said, you want a sampler six-pack that IS worth trying? Try the Waterloo Brewing Small-Batch six-pack. Brewed by our old friend Jim Brickman, the founder of Brick Brewing, there's three different beers in this one: Waterloo Classic Pilsner, Waterloo Traditional IPA and Waterloo Jack Pine Belgian Ale in 473-ml cans.

Thought it was a silly gimmick.
But actually, it's quite clever

Now anyone who's been following this blog (Geezuz, Mom, step the hell up! Ummm, kidding... love you. I'm going not to Hell for a joke) knows I love pilsners... and have accepted IPAs as my new beer gods. So did I like these? No. I loved them. Like my LITTLE BROTHER Gary. Hah! The Pilsner was smooth and European; the IPA was a IPA Jr., only slightly hopped but a good summer-time patio beer.  The only question mark: the Belgian Ale. Happy to report... job well done. It's a proper slightly-meatier Belgian ale that I could drink anytime of the year. My Puerto Rican pal, Frankie, is a huge proponent of Brick Brewery, having known Jim Brickman from before he founded Brick Brewery - I think in the advertising game or somesuch. To that end, Frankie (or Sweet Daddy Frankie, as he prefers to be called - I've never asked - I'm afraid of the answer), my fridge is presently stocked hard with Brick's Red Baron Blonde Lager. It's a discount beer ($30 a case) and a damn good one. Also if you're a Corona fan (I'm not), drink Brick's P.C. Cerveza - $15 cheaper a case. Just as good. Oh... one more tidbit from Frankie. He sent me this link. A couple of dozen ways to open a beer - from chainsaws to helicopters - and no, I'm not joking. Check out the link here: How Frankie Opens His Beer

Molson's recently came up with a new way to pour your canned beer: venting. At first, I assumed it was just another gimmick. But no, it's legit. You open the can, twist the little lever and then press down to pop open a second hole. The result? The beer pours smoothly. No *glug, glug, glug* It's actually very clever so hats off to the R&D boys and girls at Molson's!

That's MISTER Cork Soaker to you, ya little douche-bag

And finally, hazards of the job - turning down intoxicated customers. Happened to me twice in the past month. One guy was the size of a Samoan wrestler, actually LOOKED like a Samoan wrestler (no joke) and I'll be honest... I was a little nervous about that. But man, when I said 'no' repeatedly (politely but firmly), he handed back the beer with a big glassy-eyed smile, said, "Okay, bro" ... and staggered out. I loved that guy. Like my LITTLE BROTHER! Hah! With the other guy, I was less lucky. He was bombed and I gently but firmly said "no", repeatedly. He was less charitable than Samoan Wrestling Guy. Not gonna use bad language here but what he called me was remarkably similar to "farging cork-soaker." (See if you can crack that code. Good luck.) Loudly. Slurring. With a lobby full of people. I politely pointed to the sign that says that we're not allowed to serve anyone who "appears" to be intoxicated. After sputtering for a while, he finally relented before leaving and yelling at me, "You're a pussy!" I'll say that. That means soft and lovable like a cat, right? So he staggered out to his bicycle (again - not joking) and I raised my arms in triumph to those in the lobby. "Cork-soaker and pussy! I'm a double-threat!" Yeah, I got a smattering of polite golf applause. Oh well. They can't all be gems.

Super-model Kate Upton with a beer glass in her cleavage.
I haven't used this before, have I? No, I didn't think so...

But the comeback of the year? That belongs to the manager of another store who turned down a drunk dude who then screamed at him that he, too, was a "cork-soaker". The manager looked up and said, "Aw, come on, man. I'm trying to cut down." What can I say? Some guys are quicker than me.

Okay, shout-outs. My New Zealand blog brother Steve has written a real beauty this time out. He recalls how we used to record music back in the olden days - on cassette - and how now you just download them off the internet. That ain't your typical old fart "back in my day" rant. No one (but no one) embraces new tech like Stevil St Evil. Check it out at: 5-Foot-19 It's one of his best... top-five, for sure - and that's saying something. And then there's my other brother Darryl, a.k.a, Glenn, who digs all things east of Toronto, but mostly his town of Oshawa in: Shwa Stories He has an immense backlog, as well - something like 75 blogs. Flip through them. I might be in one. Who knows...

But that's it for this time, ladies and germs. Always remember... I love you all like I love my LITTLE BROTHER Gary!!!! Heh heh heh heh... I remain, as always...