... and THAT was the Craft Brew Cruise...

When you hit the high seas for a craft brew cruise,
you have to dress the part accordingly. That means
pirates and Vikings and sea captains, oh my...

So I went aboard the Toronto Craft Brew Cruise last night... and a MuchMusic Dance Party broke out. A dance party with copious amounts of really good beers (which is, of course, how we all get our best dance moves), some really great music provided by a DJ, who clearly knew one thing very well... and that would be "How to get drunk people dancing!" Admittedly, when it comes to craft-drinking crowds, "show up and play music" would seem to be enough. But this guy was really good. I mean, if I danced, that means everyone was dancing because if this Canuck cracker (sorry, that's politically incorrect - I meant Saltine Canadian) starts dancing, it's only because I'm the only one not dancing.

But let me back up this beer truck for just a second here. As the kick-off for Toronto Beer Week (September 12-20), organizers held Craft Beer Cruises on September 13 - one slated for 3:30 pm, another setting sail at 8 pm and then a third cruise (so technically the first cruise) at 11 am. that was added the day before because the other two were sold right out. Toronto Craft Beer Queen Melissa and I were both thrilled because it meant we could finally share a long overdue beer together. (Granted, separately, we both seem to be doing one helluva job with the drinking craft thing...)

♫ Check it out now, the funk soul brother... ♫
Fatboy Slim and, of course, Michael Jackson
got us all up and shaking our groove thang...

One tiny problem. She had bought a ticket for the 3:30 p.m. cruise whereas mine was for the 8 p.m. cast-off. At about 3:40 p.m., I got a Facebook message, asking "You here?" Uhhhh, nope, I was just driving home from work at that point while she was happily wandering around the boat towards the 13 craft brewers both on deck and underside. And while that doesn't sound like many brewers, it's more than enough for the limited space on even a decent-sized boat. So Melissa, you now possess an authentic and official Brew-Ha-Ha Rain Check (no cash value, not redeemable with other better-looking, more sophisticated beer blogs.) I swear on this Holy... ohhh, okay, turns out I don't own a Bible (I know - shocking!) but as luck would have it, I have found an even more sacred religious artifact. I hereby swear on this bottle of Flying Monkeys Smashbomb Atomic IPA, we will do this craft drinking thing! (Also, the next time I'm in court, I have to steal a Bible, particularly if I'm there on theft charges because... irony.)

Let's look at a couple of beers before I return shortly to the shenanigans, mayhem and assorted completely-legal tomfoolery. Okay, Left Field Brewery (whose Toronto facility should be up and running by February or March) has this crazy Single Hop Series, whereby it keeps the same malts for each batch but switches the hop every time. If you've ever heard of this before, well, that makes one of us.

The Toronto skyline by night from the deck of the River
Gambler, the floating host of the Craft Brew Cruise...

I got to try their Kohatu Single Hop IPA, a 6.2%, 60 IBU (international bitterness units) brew showcasing that particular New Zealand hop. (Note to Beer Musketeer Stevil St Evil: check your hop garden. Thievery may have happened.) The aroma is grapefruit and (oddly) lime while the taste is lightly citrus. A very enjoyable brew but we all know I like my IPAs as punchy and, well, bitey as Mike Tyson.

Ironically, I got that very punch to the throat from Great Lakes Brewery's Limp Puppet Session IPA which at just 3.2% and 25 IBU is grassy and citrus on the nose, grapefruit bitter on the tongue. GLB (Canadian Brewery of the Year for 2013 and 2014) has brewed up another winner.

My homies at the Oast House stand had a German-style
dark lager that kicked some pretty serious ass. Nice job!

Okay, you want Best of Show? It came down to two beers but in the end, I'm handing this to Oast House Brewing out of Niagara Falls and their unnamed German-style dark lager. This bad boy was all nutty on the nose, chocolate, coffee and nut on the tongue and I went back for it so many times, they stopped taking my beer tickets because I was such a vocal fan. Hell, I sung their praises more loudly than the entire crowd sung along (and danced to) an extended and funkified version of Michael Jackson's Beat It. So yeah, count me King of their fan base and the reason I'm looking down the QEW and thinking, "You know, Niagara Falls isn't that far away..." Get this in cans and quickly, guys, because...

... the second best beer of the night was Double Trouble Brewing's French Press Vanilla Stout, which will be in 473-ml (16 ounce) cans at liquor stores by October. I thought this plucky Toronto brewery couldn't top their Fire in the Rye (this is redundant) Rye Pale Ale... but dammit, they did. All vanilla on the nose, chocolate, vanilla and coffee on the tongue , it was the first beer to be completely tapped out on the entire boat. No joke. Look for it next month, thank me at Christmas. And by 'thank me' I mean give me beer. That's obvious.

Tracy and Kathy became my Brew Cruise Companions
after many cigarettes, many beers and some dancing...

Okay, back to shenanigans and mayhem. As the dancing started in earnest, I sought refuge on the railing, having a quiet smoke, watching the small-craft planes land on the Centre Island airport, enjoying the tunes. I noticed a young couple sharing a kiss at the bow and I quipped, "Hey, it's Titanic!" She giggled... until I looked at the guy and said in mock-seriousness, "She lets you die, you know", referring to the movie (I thought, obviously.) The poor girl was mortified. "I would never let you die!" she stammered to him. I gotta start wearing a shirt that says, "In all seriousness, I'm joking!" I quickly assured her that she was good and that only that bitch Kate Winslet would do that to her fella.

And then there was my new Beer Companions, Tracy and Kathy. As these two brazenly approached me on the railing, I knew instantly what they wanted. What every woman who brazenly approaches me always wants. So I dealt with it quickly and openly because it's always best to get the cards on the table early.

♫ I got the moves like Jagger, I got the moves like Jagger,
I got the moves like... ♫ Oh thank god, a urinal opened up

"You ladies need to borrow a cigarette?" Indeed they did. But we chatted over those smokes and then basically hung for the balance of the night, trying different beers. Hop-happy Kathy got some Limp Puppet (which she loved), my boys at Oast House got to serve them that Dunkel-style lager after they asked my favourite of the night (also got the appropriate "ooooh"s) and even well after last call, my buddies at Underdog Brewing out of Oshawa managed to surreptitiously slip us three of their outstanding All or Nothing Dopfenweisse wheat beer. We laughed, we drank, we danced... it was beer-fuelled fun-fest on a stickier floor than 12 of the worst movies theatres combined. Thanks, ladies, 'twas a blast!

Okay, more beers from the craft brew cruise in the future - particularly the Beau's All-Natural Brewing's Channel Ocho Mexican Spiced Ale that pretty much took the top of my head off. If Taco Bell owned a TV station, they'd be ordering 12 episodes of this beer. Aye carumba! Well, it cleared my sinuses, that's for sure. Okay, guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain, as always...