You will never ever EVER hear me complain about the heat, even as we get bombarded by unnaturally high temperatures this summer throughout Ontario.
My reasoning is simply this: I hate when it gets Arctic cold in the winter. On occasion, I feel compelled to express my displeasure at this cold. Sometimes, I use bad words to express it and threaten to move to a tropical island because "no goddamn human being should be exposed to this ridiculous f***ing weather unless you are, in fact, part of the Canadian Arctic Expedition of 1913-1916, which WAS a scientific expedition lead by Vilhjalmur Stefansson... AND I AM NOT A GODDAMN SCIENTIST!!!! Also, I wasn't born yet... so there's that, too..."
Granted, no one has a clue what I'm talking about but that's always the case, anyway. Bringing this diatribe screeching back to the point, this is Canada. It gets ridiculously hot in the summer and then ridiculously cold, damp and dark in the winter. But you should only be allowed to complain about one. I choose winter. I am solar-powered. Bring on the heat. I know that water is a better internal coolant than beer but by the same token, beer is made from water. So... Science, bitch!
This heat reminds me of a summer many many moons ago when my brother, Gary and I were recruited by my Mom to lay big-ass patio stones outside her basement door. We pointed out (repeatedly, as I recall) that we had little or no experience in the whole laying-out-patio-stones genre and wouldn't she be better hiring pros? Well, let's put it this way... has anyone out there EVER won an argument with their mother??? Yeah, neither did we... But I cleverly added an addendum to the unskilled manual labour that was about to unfold.
"We'll do it for a case of beer." And then my Mom made pretty much the BIGGEST Rookie Mistake of all time. She gave us the case of beer as we were starting to lay the stones. It was blazing hot out so Gary and I proceeded to drink this beer while we worked. The first couple of rows were level, evenly-spaced and quasi-professional. Then as we continued to pound the icy brews (we had them on ice in a cooler) things got sketchy vis-a-vis the quality of our work. Straight and level was no longer the case as we began to wonder how we managed those first two rows. But we carried on... and the stones were starting to get more crooked than teeth in Alabama. We were nearly at the end but I looked over and saw Gary, face down on a slanted stone, sleeping. I am using the word "sleep" charitably here. He was out cold. Beer, hot sun, heavy patio stones... pretty basic Physics in play here.
Naturally, being the older brother - and the only one still conscious - I knew I was gonna get reamed by my Mom. And oh man, did I. I suggested meekly that she erred in paying the contractors BEFORE the work was finished and mumbled something to the effect that since "the Earth was round, nothing is every truly level, is it?"
Yeah, we corrected it the next day. Hung-over as hell. Penance, served up Mom Style.
Okay, last blog I had promised to tell you about how the Ommegang Brewery, a tiny craft brewer in Cooperstown, N.Y. was granted the rights by HBO to brew up two separate beers using the hugely successful Game of Thrones name on their brew. But I'm not satisfied with the PR fluff I have read on the Internet and actually have an email into their Brewmaster with a pile of questions. Hopefully, he'll get back to me by the weekend and I'll write that one. If not, I'll make a bunch of stuff up because, well... my blog, my rules.
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| Molson M: So delicious they named it Mmmmm |
The reasoning is two-fold. Number one: if you have been drinking beer for any time-period in your life, you have had these beers and don't need me to tell you how they taste. And number two: the big sellers are NOT their best beers, just their most popular. This is more about Hidden Gems.
Up first, Canada's oldest brewery, Molson's and frankly, their best has go to be Molson M, billed as the world's only micro-carbonated lager. This means??? A different brewing process and to the layman, the bubbles are smaller so it goes down smoother. Almost too smoothly. Their Number Two Beer? Creemore Pilsner. When Molson brought craft brewer Creemore Spring Brewery in 2005, they did the smartest thing in the world. THEY LEFT IT ALONE!!!! So Creemore just keeps crankin' it old, old-school. This is a full-bodied pilsner that would rock a salmon dinner.
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| Kokanee: Mountain springs delicious? You bet your ass, it is |
Let's give Labatt's their shout-out now. Their Number One Brew? Kokanee, hands-down. When Labatt's bought the Columbia Brewery in Preston, B.C., they bought the rights to the best-selling beer in that Province and one that we had never had out east here. And this is where Labatt's made a bigger Rookie Mistake than my Mom did in the Patio Stone Debacle. To save on shipping, they started brewing it in their London, Ontario plants. Relocated westerners are at first excited by its appearance on our shelves and just as quickly unhappy with its taste. This was not the 'glacier fresh' brew they had grown up with. Molson's even took a clever jab at their main competitor with an ad campaign: B.C. or B.S.? Labatt's wised up and now you get the real deal. And it's pricey - about $45/case, same as you would pay from oversea imports such as Heineken, Stella Artois or Grolsch. Labatt's Number Two Beer: Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale. If Kokanee didn't exist, this delicious IPA would have taken the top spot without contest.
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| Oh, fer Christ sake, it's pronounced DRAFT! |
And finally, our Little Brewery That Could from Guelph, Ontario that is a distant third in size but makes up from it in taste and sees a fair bit of my business, Sleeman's Brewery. Their top beer was only introduced a few years back and it has become one of their best sellers: Sleeman Original Draught. I love draft beer, even if it doesn't love me the next day. The reason? It's unpasteurized and less is added to the mix, such as nasty preservatives and other junk. This is an easy drinking, perfect for the patio brew. Their Number Two Beer? Silver Creek Lager, which used to be my number one choice until the Draught came along and attacked me into consuming too many at one sitting, resulting in poor judgement and even poorer behaviour. I can only imagine what my Mom's patio would have looked like had the Draught been available then.
Okay, that's all folks... up next, Game of Thrones Blonde Ale. To that end, I leave the final word to Tyrion Lannister. Take it away, you lovable and cheeky imp...
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