Jay, Drunk Russians and Funny Commercials

I worked part-time at a Mississauga Beer Store throughout the entire 1990s (actually 1991 to 2000) and, to be frank, had the time of my life. I was working full-time at a Toronto community newspaper... and then another Toronto community newspaper... and then an Oakville community newspaper... and finally, a Flamborough community newspaper. So while my full-time occupation was as turbulent as a drunken hang-glide with a broken wing over the Rocky Mountains, the one constant was the Beer Store. Plus the music from that decade was outstanding and we played it loud at the Beer Store. "Yeah, sorry, bud, we can't serve you. The new Pearl Jam song just came on. Oh calm down and wait 5 minutes. Don't be such a pussy..."

The best newspaper transition had to be when my Oakville newspaper was bought out and we were instructed by the now-former owners to call the new owners the next day for a new prospect. The day we were bought out, which none of us knew, the owner came downstairs and privately told me to put a little box story on the front page saying that this was the last issue. Don't get me wrong, I can write pretty quickly. But I stared at that little 4-by-4-inch box on the front page like it was a Bulgarian crossword puzzle that I was expected to complete. I eventually managed to cobble some words together to the effect of how much we had enjoyed serving the community, how our readers were the best... the kind of hollow kiss-ass crap that you hear at the Oscars when millionaire actors thank everyone and air-kiss the world. Anyway, the new bosses... as the editor, my meeting was set for 9 a.m. while my two reporters had 10 a.m. and 11 a.m. meetings. Devastated that our paper had been shut down, we proceeded to go out and get absolutely ploughed! Befuddled and upset by the situation, I sort of remember arriving at the bar in a fog... and not much after that. (I admit this freely, that was 1997... the Statute of Limitations expired on this years ago.)

Damn straight

So the next morning, I dragged my skanky butt in to meet the new owner, looking disheveled, smelling like I'd spent the night swimming in a brewery vat and trying to concentrate while my new boss was telling me about this exciting new newspaper they were opening in Flamborough. "Where exactly is that?" I asked groggily. He showed me the map of Flamborough, which I had heard of but wasn't sure certain of the location. It was directly north of Burlington. Where I lived. I could see my street on the map provided.

"Yeah, I think I can do this commute," I weakly offered up as he handed me the editor's job. Sensing my lack of true enthusiasm, he offered up one more nugget. "There's a bar right across the street."

Umm... SOLD!!! My day definitely perked up. Anyhow, long story short, did this gig for a few years, got bored (as I tend to) and moved on to working in municipal politics for a few years. The people I worked with in politics were great... awesome co-workers. But the job itself blew more chunks than a freshman at a college kegger.

Remember: it's always Beer O'Clock somewhere

So I shifted back to the Beer Store in 2005, found another newspaper gig and did both. But the day I started in September 2005, so did another guy, Jay. Where I was boisterous, loud and jovial, Jay was quiet, mumbled a lot and was very low-key. Turns out that was just at first. When Jay eventually found his comfort zone, he turned out to be one of the funniest guys I worked with, having that low-key, dry sense of humour.

One day, we were working together and this kid walks in to buy beer. The Beer Store rule is: ID25 - you ID anyone who looks 25 or younger. Our District Manager says: make it 30. So A LOT of people get carded. This kid hands him his ID and Jay says, "No, I don't think so. This is not you. I played hockey with this guy." The kid hesitates but to his credit, only for a second, and says to Jay, "Yeah, that was me! Great to see you again! Good times, eh?" Jay said dryly, "Oh yeah. Great times, man. So what's my name and what position did I play?" The kid: "Uhhhhh..." Okay... denied.

Vodka: For Russian
teenage hockey players,
the breakfast of champions

But my favourite Jay hockey story involved him playing for a Mississauga Rep hockey team as a teen, around 16 years old. Seems there was a touring team of Russian All-Star teens in Canada and Jay's team was one of the ones selected to play them. Their game starts at 7 a.m. and as a goodwill gesture, the Mississauga players go into the Russian dressing room to shake hands and say hey. "Well, it's 6:45 a.m.," says Jay, "and these Russian teenagers are pounding back vodka like it's water. So of course, they're all as friendly as shit. We say our hello's and go to our dressing room and get ready. We get out on the ice and there's this centre-ice friendship exchange. I think we had, like, stuffed Mounties or something lame like that to give them. But they're giving us bottles of vodka as their exchange gift! We're 16! So all our parents are all flying over to the bench to scoop us this vodka they gave us..."

So the Russians players were as drunk as hell, I said. You must have beat them.

"Oh god no," he said. "They made us look like girls. I think the final score was 17-2. And our parents drank the vodka. So really, kind of a sucky day..."

Okay, in honour of my former co-worker, Jay, who's in a different store now, I want to present some funny North American beer commercials. I'll be straight up: Americans do funny beer commercials better than we do. But I've thrown a few of ours in there too. Just click on the links.

First up, let's throw Molson's tribute to a man who would walk 500 miles with some help from The Proclaimers for a beer in this one called: Molson's 500 Miles. I'll give you a minute. Okay, done? Next one, also from Molson's where a Canadian has to "jersey" an obnoxious American co-worker in one were just gonna call: Wanna donut, eh? Done? Okay, moving on, the opening of a Blue Light is magical as you can see in: Blue Light: Magic Twist Cap Okay, I thought this one was clever. Let's just call it: Molson Canadian: Canada Day! Okay, and finally, the last Canadian entry from out good friends at Alexander Keith's called Hey, Let's Share Good stuff, Canada.

Now before we get to the Americans, there were two Heineken ads that played extensively here in Canada and I have to give them the nod before we head to our brothers to the south. First up is...Men With Talent And while that one is good... I'll see your Men with Talent and raise you... Walk-In Closet

And now is where I give the nod to the Yanks. We see their commercials when we watch an NFL game on American TV and man, they do ads funny, especially Bud Light. They dominate the top spots, starting with: The Elevator After that, well, what can I tell ya. Is there anything better than a Clothing Drive? I dunno, you tell me after you watch: Bud Light: Clothing Drive Taking a second away from Bud Light, Keystone Light has some classic miscommunication with: Blue Tooth Down to the final two, both Bud Light... the runner-up is a beauty known as: Swear Jar

Okay, this final entry is classic! Meant for Super Bowl 2009 (but not aired during the game), I'm not entirely sure it EVER aired. It's 2 minutes long and the funniest ad I've ever seen. Don't know who wrote it because they should get the Oscar of ad writing. Let's call it: Convenience Store

That's all for now, boys and girls. Next up: Game of Throne Beer!!! Yup, not kidding.

Before I go, ever wonder what life is like Down Under? Well, I can't tell you because my college bro, Steve is Down Under... But Slightly To The Right... in New Zealand. Here's his raucous look at life: Evil Stevil But the "other" side of Toronto? Well, my pal from the Shwa, Glenn, has that down in life east of the GTA in: Shwa Stories

Until later, keep pourin' them... because I'm gonna keep drinking 'em!