Polish beer is damn good... and that's no joke

Ahhh, yeah, it's actually pronounced
"Jee-Vitz" and no, I don't know
how that's possible...

Okay, as promised last time, today's blog is all about Polish beers.

Now we have been selling Polish beers for quite some time now. I mean, we also have a huge selection of Czech beer, Belgium beer and Danish beer but if I throw them at you all at once, then this blog starts to look like Germany's "To-Do" List from 1939. Well, until they thought Russia would be a fun little country to take over. ("Really?" said the German commander, "How cold can it be there?")

So several years back, we started getting shipped the beer on the right, which we, of course, pronounced "Zy-Weck." And Eastern Bloc customers would come in and ask if we carried a Polish beer called "Jee-Vitz". No, we would say, our only Polish beer (at that point) was Zy-Weck. That was until my buddy, Martin, was hired. You see, in Martin's house, English is a second language as both his folks are from Poland. Martin and his sister were born here in Canada but both are fluent in Polish - the main language of the household.

So one day, a customer asked if we had a case of Jee-Vitz, I said no, Martin said, "Yes, we do" and proceeded to grab a case of Zywiec. The customer was delighted, Martin had a big smile and all I could say was: "Jee-Vitz? Really?"

They pronounce
this one Tee-Skee.
That, we were able
to figure out.

Now that said, I have been listening on Martin's end of a phone call to his Dad and he speaks a language I can only call Pole-Glish - 90% Polish, 10% English. The conversation usually sounds like this: "Blucka, blucka, blucka... fireworks... blinga, blinga, blinga... explosion... biffa, biffa, biffa... the police... backa, backa, backa... don't tell Mom." Much like North American culture, Eastern Bloc European culture has the same credo: Don't piss off Mom. Some things are world-wide.

But the lesson here was clear: Learn how the beers are pronounced in their native country!! And it's remarkably simple. You ask the customer, they give you the native pronunciation and they seem quite happy you're making the effort to learn. I remember one day years ago, working with my buddy Jay and an older customer asked for a case of the German beer, Warsteiner. Jay says into the mic, "24 Warsteiner" and the customer berates him. "It's Varsteiner, not Warsteiner! There is no 'war'!" he yelled. All I could say after he left was: "Whoa. Someone's still bitter..." That said, most of our multi-cultural exchanges are informative and pretty cool. A Czech customer gave me a history lesson buying some Kozel the other day, in which I learned Budweiser actually started as a Czech beer and gave me the entire story. Reader's Digest Version: the Americans ended up with the shitty recipe, not the good one. Betcha that Czech Budweiser kicked some serious ass.

This one's easy... well, it is if you
know who Lech Wasela was. I do.

Okay, history lesson for you guys and gals now. Zywiec Brewery is located in Zywiec, Poland, established in 1852, which actually makes it a newbie in Europe. Part of a five-brewery conglomeration, they are now owned by Heineken, which has adopted the always-wise "hands off, let them do their thing" approach. The Zywiec we sell is a pale lager but not light by North American standards. Kinda hoppy and damn tasty. Tyskie, brewed by Kompania Piwowaska, also owned by a bigger company now, has been around since 1629 (old-timer) when the Von Promnitz family opened a brewery is Tychy, Poland. To my North American palate, the two beers are remarkably similar but I'm giving Tyskie the edge here. Lech Premium Beer is also brewed by Kompania Piwowska and is a very smooth lager... almost North American smooth - less hoppy, which can be good... or bad, depending of how you feel about beer. Lech goes down remarkably easy - they all do - but I'll be honest, I can see why Europeans buy this by the case (as they do the other two.)

Also, I'm drinking these beers while I write this and am 17 seconds away from proposing marriage to Lech. That's one hot blonde beer.

This one's pronounced
"Oh-KO-chim". I like to
think I'd be smart enough
to guess that. Maybe...

And finally, we have Okocim Premium Pale, brewed by the Okocim Brewery in Brzecko back in 1845. Hah, newbie! Like Lech, also an incredibly smooth pale pilsner. So we have two - Zywiec and Tyskie - that are traditionally European hoppy and two - Lech and Okocim - that are, well, North American smooth.

Pick your poison, friends. I will be honest - I enjoyed every single one. Also... a little buzzed. (By the way, after I proposed marriage, Lech said no. It wants to see other beers. Bitch.)

Okay, shifting gears. Yesterday on Facebook, my high school buddy, Lubin, posted pretty much the coolest thing I have ever seen. It's a brewery locator. For what? Well, how about EVERY SINGLE BREWERY in the world??? Lubin posts a lot of socio-political stuff on Facebook, which is how you should be using social media. I use Facebook like I'm a really bad Catskills stand-up comedian so my statuses might be worth marginally more of a chuckle with your morning coffee but you learn a helluva lot more about the world (not to mention music, new and old) from Lubin. And yeah, he was this annoying smart in high school. That said, love and admire the dude. He's the walking definition of Awesome Dad, which carries a lot of weight in Brew Ha Ha's World. Folks, here is Lubin's discovery... Lubin's Super-Cool Brewery Locator!

And finally, before I sign off for today... I'll just say this. This is what happens to your 2007 Ford Focus hatchback when you have a seminar to attend... and Martin has to work in your Beer Store. He shrink-wraps the damn car... I will get back at you, Martin... some day, some way... in the meanwhile, dude, how about a Lech??? Or a Tyskie... or Zywiec... or Okocim??? Like 'em all!

Dammit, Martin, show a little respect for the classic 2007 Ford Focus hatchback! Hmmm, I guess this is about right...

Okay, shout-outs! My buddy Steve in New Zealand... the Goose to my Maverick... here's his blog right here: Evil Stevil And Glenn, my pal in Oshawa? Just got his 3,000th hit on his blog... so impressive! You can find him at: Shwa Stories!

Until next time, I remain... Donny The Beer Machine!!!!

Cans vs Bottles... and Shona's Girls' Night Beer-Fest

You think you can tell the
difference... but you can't.
I'll bet you $20... No, make that
$10 MILLION... then I can retire
on the strength of your wrongness!

Every once in a while, I will hear someone say something to the effect of  "Oh no, I don't like the taste of beer in a can. It tastes metallic!!" I smile and nod politely, resisting the urge to ask them, "Just how much metal have you eaten in your life?" because the customer is always right (even when they're dead-wrong) and carry on. Where I work, there's lots of beer in cans, lots of beer in bottles and I don't really care which vessel it's purchased in... so long as it's purchased.

But is there a difference? Maybe once upon a time when beer was in steel cans. Beer had yet to be adopted by the aluminium can back in my misspent youth where we happily swilled from steel cans that were, frankly, a bitch to open. You need one of those triangular pointed can openers to crack that bad boy. When they came along with pull-tabs, you still needed that triangular opener can for the bottom of the can if you wanted to shot-gun it. How we didn't end up with more broken teeth is beyond me. I can't remember any metallic taste. Perhaps there was with the first one or two... but the 12-plus after that?? Nahhhhh.

A full glass is a happy glass! And
an empty glass is a sad, lonely and
pathetic waste of glass!!! Smarten
the hell up. Fill that glass!

I was always one of those beer quaffers who when offered a glass, simply said, "No, beer comes in its own glass." An oddly-shaped glass, mind you... but a glass of sorts. However, as my cohorts and I were taught at The Beer Academy in Toronto, beer is meant to be poured into a glass, largely because it activates the carbonation properly, giving your pint that nice head. As well, you can see the colour and hue of the beer which will give you an idea of the maltiness of the beverage. The aroma will give your a heads-up to his hoppiness and finally, a glass has a much bigger open gap on top than a bottle does so you have some kick-ass easy-flowing goodness in your hands there...

The point is: pour it in a glass, blindfold people and they can't tell the difference. Don't believe me? Well, thanks to my buddy Steve, I saw a video created by New Zealand's Boundary Road Brewery debunking that very myth. See it for yourself and clicking here on: Boundary Road Brewery Taste Test

Once upon a time, mail was delivered to your house
 and was placed conveniently  in a mailbox. And milk
was delivered door-to-door. And many suburban
children bore a remarkable resemblance to the milkman.

Okay, here at Brew-Ha-Ha, I try to answer any and all questions posed to the best of my ability. Questions can be diverse as: "Do you drink as much beer as your blog suggests?" (Yes... that said, I also believe in moderation in all things... especially moderation because who the hell needs moderation... so really a double-edged sword), "What's the best beer to eat with a cheeseburger?" (Whatever's in your fridge, Brainiac, it's a damn burger), "Are you my Daddy?" (No, I'm not, kid, please stop following me and calling me that) and of course, "Why is there a body in your trunk?" (Part of my touring magic act, Officer).

But my friend, Shona, actually asked me a REAL beer question the other day on Facebook. I was so excited, I passed out from Joy. (Joy is the nickname I gave that particular case of beer.) Anyways, here's Shona's question:

If you're not going to eat fruit,
as your family doctor, I highly
recommend this as an alternative

Hey Don, I'm a foodie and I have an idea for beer cheese fondue. I have the selection of cheeses picked out and the accompaniments would be a variety of smoked sausage as well as apple and pear slices. Any suggestions on the beer?

My Answer: Yeah, several... the trick here is the milder the cheese, the milder the beer. You don't want one flavour overpowering the other but rather complementing each other. Ergo, the heavier the cheese, the more powerful the beer. For your light cheeses, say, Brie or Mild Cheddar, you want the lighter beer such as a lager or an actual light beer. Next step, a medium Cheddar or Emmental/Swiss with a little bite, you go a little heavier - a Pilsner or an IPA. You get up to an Old Cheddar or similar one, you want an ale or a wheat beer. Finally, your heavy-duty cheese, such as Blue Cheese, you need an equally strong beer such as a porter or a stout.

Yes, you read that correctly. The
goodness of bananas in beer form!!!

With the sausage, pretty much the same thing. Mild sausage, mild beer. Spicy sausage, heartier beer. As for fruits, opinions vary but my thinking is many Canadian white beers, such as Richard's White, have a tinge of orange flavouring in them with a hint of spiciness. Match fruit with fruit flavoured beer. The lime-beers such as Bud Light Lime (very sweet... too sweet, actually) or Miller Chill (much more tart) might also be a good mix with the fruit. But guys will likely avoid them. I do.

At that point with the conversation continuing on Facebook, I remembered there's other fruit-flavoured beers, such as McAuslan's Apricot Wheat Ale, not to mention Well's Banana Bread Beer which was pointed out to me by my clever and thoughtful former Beer Store buddy Tommy Salami one day when I lamented on Facebook that it was too bad that I couldn't turn all those bananas that go black during the week into something useful, like beer.

Note to Shona and her fondue friends:
Beer leads to Beer Goggles so beware!

The conversation continued and Steve noted that a stronger IPA would work with the heartier cheeses. I whole-heartedly agree and suggested the stronger Sleeman's IPA or the super-hoppy Mad Tom IPA from Muskoka Brewery. Note: despite the fact he lives in New Zealand, seconds later, Steve also suggested the Mad Tom. Even a half-world away, Steve, too, knows Canadian brew. Smaller and craft breweries kick out much more flavourful IPAs. Now as the Brew-Ha-Ha dude, I've had all the white beers and lime beers but can I really recommend either the Apricot Wheat Ale or Banana Bread Beer to Shona WITHOUT trying them?? Oh, I think not. That would be highly irresponsible. You all know me: Mr Responsible. (Stop laughing, Mom... and Ex-Wife #1... and Ex-Wife #2...)

Keep your damn pot of gold. I'm good here!

At the moment, completely on Shona's behalf (because I'm a giver - that scheming bitch Mother Theresa has nothing on me) I am trying the Apricot Wheat. A confession: I couldn't for the life of me remember what an apricot tasted like. How I have never died of scurvy is beyond me. Something like a peach? That question was answered the minute I poured it into the glass. I could smell it. Right, apricot... memories of running through an apricot orchard as a child came flooding back. Not my memories, mind you. But somebody's, I'm sure. I have no idea where apricots grow. Okay, this is a tasty beer that I believe would go well with the fruit portion of Shona's shindig. But as Steve and I discussed, this is a dessert or aperitif beer. One, maybe two. That's it. But I think Shona's gal-pals will dig it.

Okay, fresh beer glass. I have plenty and I want the Banana Bread Beer recommended by Tommy to stand on its own. Now where the Apricot Wheat beer was a made-in-Canada product, the Banana Bread Beer was made by Wells in Bedford, England. Okay, this is a much heavier beer, being a British Ale but at 5.2%, pretty much the same alcohol content.

The Pie Hole: why bother with pie??

Okay, where I give the Banana beer a huge edge over its Apricot brethren is that it's far less sweet. So we have a real winner here. You taste the banana but it's slighter than the apricot which is all you taste. But like the Apricot beer, this Banana beer is "one... and done." Good call, Tommy!

Okay, quick story before I wrap this up. When Bud Light Lime was released a few summers back, we could not keep it in stock. Personally, it was so sweet that I thought it tasted like Sprite but there was no denying its popularity. And frankly, it gave us one of the funniest commercials in a while. Wanna see it? Click here on: Bud Light Lime: In The Can

That's it, homeys... and my sweet friend Shona, who's brave enough to ask Brew-Ha-Ha a question... any question! Couple of shout-outs. You like funny stories from New Zealand? Check out my bro Steve's blog at: 5-Foot-19 How about life east of Toronto, say, the Oshawa area? Well, then, you wanna read my buddy Glenn's blog here: Shwa Stories

Next up: Polish beers!!! Which was supposed to be this blog. But Shona asked me a question so...

How Brewery Ommegang snagged Game of Thrones

I have in my possession two 750-ml bottles of Game of Thrones Blonde Ale, created last March by Brewery Ommegang in tiny Cooperstown, New York - a small craft brewery with a couple of dozen seasonal and year-round beers.

Tyrion Lannister drank 18 of
these one night and slept with a
12-pack of whores afterwards.
Dirty little imp...

The March release coincided with the Season 3 premier of the unbelievably-but-understandably popular HBO series, Game of Thrones, a mystical, medieval series that has basically taken the TV viewing world by storm. And in author George R. R. Martin's world, both the northern region of Winterfell and throne divider The Wall are never storm-free. Season 3 is over now and it was a season where *MULTIPLE-SPOILER ALERT* the beautious queen-wannabe Daenerys' dragons got kick-ass huge and prone to barbequeing anyone who tried to take them, Jamie Lannister learned humility after getting his "King-Slayer" hand chopped off, the great chunk of the noble Stark family got gutted at a family wedding (weddings are just brutal for boorish behavior; Medieval ones even moreso), Jon Snow finally got some you-know-what and fan-favourite Tyrion Lannister said something astutely and hilariously clever. Repeatedly. Show after show, just as he has since Season 1. He clearly is the Best Medieval Imp ever. I know this because he told me so.

So how did a tiny Cooperstown brewery land the rights to the hottest show on TV??? Well, that's a helluva question. One I even asked myself especially as I am prone to asking myself questions, such as "What day is this?" and "Where the hell am I?" and, of course, that old classic, "Where did this dead hooker come from?"

So I hunted through the Internet. Scoured it high and low for the answer. I read press releases from Ommegang CEO Simon Thorpe, HBO Director of Marketing Pamela Levine, HBO CEO  Richard Plepler and any number of corporate minions to try and figure it out. And, to be honest, I also got distracted by way too many pictures of cats, funny memes, bizarre signs and, well... was anyone else aware there's A LOT of nudity on the Internet?  I know, I know... you could have knocked me over with a feather when I discovered that... Who the hell knew, eh?

But after being a journalist for 25-plus years, I know how to read a corporate press release. HBO said words to the effect of "We felt Brewery Ommegang would be the perfect brewery for the Game of Thrones line because they had a long reputation of... blah, blah, blah, corporate double-speak..."

Had I written that HBO press release, it would have been more honest. "HBO is thrilled to have chosen an American brewery located in Cooperstown, the home of the Baseball Hall of Fame. What's more American than that? Also they paid us a crapload of cash for the rights, basically more than anyone else was willing to. And in related news, HBO now also owns the Baseball Hall of Fame."

Oh, for Christ's sake, will
someone hand Jon Snow
a damn beer. Poor bastard...

Brewery Ommegang's press release was equally as vague and elusive. Something like: "We're thrilled to be connected and have the honour of brewing beers in the name of the highest calibre of television entertainment, a world-wide phenomenon known as Game of Thrones... blah, blah, blah, corporate double-speak..."

My more-honest Ommegang press release? "As well as owning the Baseball Hall of Fame, HBO executives now own any child born to an Ommegang employee, get all the free beer they want, HBO execs can hold Ommegang keggers at our houses with wife-swap rights, are allowed to bathe in our vats, all the grilled cheese sandwiches they can eat, a written promise to try to genetically re-create both direwolves and fire-breathing, flying dragons and, of course, Peter Dinklage is now Cooperstown Mayor."

However, corporate speak aside, I absolutely DO trust brewmasters, such as Ommegang's Phil Leinhart. Why? Because brewmasters make beer. If there's a more noble job in the world - nay, the universe - you are welcome to enlighten me. Said Phil: "No one enjoys their job more than I do." (Totally buy that.) Then there was some obligatory kiss-ass corporate stuff about the cultural phenomenon of Game of Throne and creating a beer that reflected that, blah, blah, blah. That's cool - Phil's a wage-slave like the rest of us. I get currying favour. That's fine. Plus as mentioned, brewmaster - so on this end, WIDE latitude give to my man, Phil, because, well, coolest job on Earth. (Unless you actually possess three fire-breathing dragons, are amassing a huge army... and are unbelievably stunning...)

But god bless Dionysus, the Roman God Of Drinking and Fun, because Phil finished this PR clap-trap right.

"With a Lannister currently on the throne, it made sense to do a delicate but piercing Golden Blonde Ale with noble hops. Iron Throne is certainly fair in colour and soft in appearance, yet it still possesses a complexity and bit to be on guard for..."

I like horses. Height-wise, a great
equalizer. That could also be a typo
because I'm equally fond of whores...

Okay, right now, Ommegang has the Iron Throne Blonde Ale out there for public consumption. Coming this fall will be their Take The Black Stout. But as I said, I have now had their Iron Throne Blonde Ale. And? Okay, this is one interesting brew.

For starters, it's corked with a little metal twisty thing that they put on champagne bottles (I believe 'cage rib' might be the name). Never in my life have I had a corked beer. The second you pop that cork, you get hit with a fruit and spice scent to this brew. Obviously, as all beers SHOULD be, you have to pour it in a glass... but slowly. There are small traces of sediment at the bottom. This is not a kegger chug beer. Much like, say, Guinness, you are likely to end up with 2 inches of head on this bad boy. Don't panic. It settles quickly to about a quarter-inch. It's brewed as a Belgium Ale so there's gonna be some light citrus-like taste, perfect for Summer. Not a huge fan of flavoured beer but you know what? When it comes to beer, especially craft beer, try everything. The Belgium whites, with their orange and coriander are actually nice on a hot, summer patio. As a starter. Not an all-night run. That said, it's a bit toned-down for a Belgium Ale because they are trying to appeal to a mass market. And an American market to boot (although to their credit, more craft breweries in the U.S. than anywhere else.) Honest to Dionysus, this is a tasty brew.

Yeah, I'm smoking hot and I have three flying, fire-breathing
dragons. You ever met anyone else on your silly little online
dating site quite like me? Yeah, that's right... I don't think so... 

Okay, as mentioned, next up for the Ommegang... uhhh, gang? The brewery's Game of Thrones' Take The Black Stout coming out this Fall. I'm not a huge stout or porter fan but... like I said, you gotta try it all. (NOTE: this was written months ago - I officially love GOOD porters and stouts.) And through little jumps and hurdles, I am slowly becoming a fan of many beers I never thought I'd like. To my credit, though, I have always been a fan of many beers... period. So I have an edge.

Okay, quick shout-out to a few of brothers-in-crime. My New Zealand college bro, Steve, recently invited a buddy, Robert, and a couple of his lady friends crash at his Wellington man-pad for a NZ Beer Fest. They all got treated to the time of their lives... beer, fun and a repeatedly series of both huge and small earthquakes!

Seriously, why has no one killed me yet?

To catch his crazy act of generous hosting, merry pranksmanship, total "I call Shenanigans" behaviour and terribly funny tomfoolery, check his blog out: 5-foot-19

Okay, let's throw my other college buddy, Glenn, into the blog mix, as well, especially since he gave my son, David, a huge nod after winning three medals at the Provincial Special Olympics two weekends ago. You can find him here at: Shwa Stories

Dudes and dudettes, been a slice. As always. And remember, much like Games of Thrones, there may be many people who betray you in your pathetic, mortal life. But beer?? NEVER!!! Later...

The best of the big boys

You will never ever EVER hear me complain about the heat, even as we get bombarded by unnaturally high temperatures this summer throughout Ontario.

My reasoning is simply this: I hate when it gets Arctic cold in the winter. On occasion, I feel compelled to express my displeasure at this cold. Sometimes, I use bad words to express it and threaten to move to a tropical island because "no goddamn human being should be exposed to this ridiculous f***ing weather unless you are, in fact, part of the Canadian Arctic Expedition of 1913-1916, which WAS a scientific expedition lead by Vilhjalmur Stefansson... AND I AM NOT A GODDAMN SCIENTIST!!!! Also, I wasn't born yet... so there's that, too..."

Granted, no one has a clue what I'm talking about but that's always the case, anyway. Bringing this diatribe screeching back to the point, this is Canada. It gets ridiculously hot in the summer and then ridiculously cold, damp and dark in the winter. But you should only be allowed to complain about one. I choose winter. I am solar-powered. Bring on the heat. I know that water is a better internal coolant than beer but by the same token, beer is made from water. So... Science, bitch!

This heat reminds me of a summer many many moons ago when my brother, Gary and I were recruited by my Mom to lay big-ass patio stones outside her basement door. We pointed out (repeatedly, as I recall) that we had little or no experience in the whole laying-out-patio-stones genre and wouldn't she be better hiring pros? Well, let's put it this way... has anyone out there EVER won an argument with their mother??? Yeah, neither did we... But I cleverly added an addendum to the unskilled manual labour that was about to unfold.

"We'll do it for a case of beer." And then my Mom made pretty much the BIGGEST Rookie Mistake of all time. She gave us the case of beer as we were starting to lay the stones. It was blazing hot out so Gary and I proceeded to drink this beer while we worked. The first couple of rows were level, evenly-spaced and quasi-professional. Then as we continued to pound the icy brews (we had them on ice in a cooler) things got sketchy vis-a-vis the quality of our work. Straight and level was no longer the case as we began to wonder how we managed those first two rows. But we carried on... and the stones were starting to get more crooked than teeth in Alabama. We were nearly at the end but I looked over and saw Gary, face down on a slanted stone, sleeping. I am using the word "sleep" charitably here. He was out cold. Beer, hot sun, heavy patio stones... pretty basic Physics in play here.

Naturally, being the older brother - and the only one still conscious - I knew I was gonna get reamed by my Mom. And oh man, did I. I suggested meekly that she erred in paying the contractors BEFORE the work was finished and mumbled something to the effect that since "the Earth was round, nothing is every truly level, is it?"

Yeah, we corrected it the next day. Hung-over as hell. Penance, served up Mom Style.

Okay, last blog I had promised to tell you about how the Ommegang Brewery, a tiny craft brewer in Cooperstown, N.Y. was granted the rights by HBO to brew up two separate beers using the hugely successful Game of Thrones name on their brew. But I'm not satisfied with the PR fluff I have read on the Internet and actually have an email into their Brewmaster with a pile of questions. Hopefully, he'll get back to me by the weekend and I'll write that one. If not, I'll make a bunch of stuff up because, well... my blog, my rules.

Molson M: So delicious
 they named it Mmmmm

Soon we will be delving into many many craft beers out there but before we do, a quick nod to the Big Three brewers in the province. Not included on this list will be any of the biggest sellers so Blue, Budweiser, Canadian, Coors Light and Export, you can all take a seat on the bench.

The reasoning is two-fold. Number one: if you have been drinking beer for any time-period in your life, you have had these beers and don't need me to tell you how they taste. And number two: the big sellers are NOT their best beers, just their most popular. This is more about Hidden Gems.

Up first, Canada's oldest brewery, Molson's and frankly, their best has go to be Molson M, billed as the world's only micro-carbonated lager. This means??? A different brewing process and to the layman, the bubbles are smaller so it goes down smoother. Almost too smoothly. Their Number Two Beer? Creemore Pilsner. When Molson brought craft brewer Creemore Spring Brewery in 2005, they did the smartest thing in the world. THEY LEFT IT ALONE!!!! So Creemore just keeps crankin' it old, old-school. This is a full-bodied pilsner that would rock a salmon dinner.

Kokanee: Mountain
springs delicious?
You bet your ass, it is

Let's give Labatt's their shout-out now. Their Number One Brew? Kokanee, hands-down. When Labatt's bought the Columbia Brewery in Preston, B.C., they bought the rights to the best-selling beer in that Province and one that we had never had out east here. And this is where Labatt's made a bigger Rookie Mistake than my Mom did in the Patio Stone Debacle. To save on shipping, they started brewing it in their London, Ontario plants. Relocated westerners are at first excited by its appearance on our shelves and just as quickly unhappy with its taste. This was not the 'glacier fresh' brew they had grown up with. Molson's even took a clever jab at their main competitor with an ad campaign: B.C. or B.S.? Labatt's wised up and now you get the real deal. And it's pricey - about $45/case, same as you would pay from oversea imports such as Heineken, Stella Artois or Grolsch. Labatt's Number Two Beer: Alexander Keith's India Pale Ale. If Kokanee didn't exist, this delicious IPA would have taken the top spot without contest.

Oh, fer Christ sake, it's
pronounced DRAFT!

And finally, our Little Brewery That Could from Guelph, Ontario that is a distant third in size but makes up from it in taste and sees a fair bit of my business, Sleeman's Brewery. Their top beer was only introduced a few years back and it has become one of their best sellers: Sleeman Original Draught. I love draft beer, even if it doesn't love me the next day. The reason? It's unpasteurized and less is added to the mix, such as nasty preservatives and other junk. This is an easy drinking, perfect for the patio brew. Their Number Two Beer? Silver Creek Lager, which used to be my number one choice until the Draught came along and attacked me into consuming too many at one sitting, resulting in poor judgement and even poorer behaviour. I can only imagine what my Mom's patio would have looked like had the Draught been available then. 

Okay, that's all folks... up next, Game of Thrones Blonde Ale. To that end, I leave the final word to Tyrion Lannister. Take it away, you lovable and cheeky imp...

Jay, Drunk Russians and Funny Commercials

I worked part-time at a Mississauga Beer Store throughout the entire 1990s (actually 1991 to 2000) and, to be frank, had the time of my life. I was working full-time at a Toronto community newspaper... and then another Toronto community newspaper... and then an Oakville community newspaper... and finally, a Flamborough community newspaper. So while my full-time occupation was as turbulent as a drunken hang-glide with a broken wing over the Rocky Mountains, the one constant was the Beer Store. Plus the music from that decade was outstanding and we played it loud at the Beer Store. "Yeah, sorry, bud, we can't serve you. The new Pearl Jam song just came on. Oh calm down and wait 5 minutes. Don't be such a pussy..."

The best newspaper transition had to be when my Oakville newspaper was bought out and we were instructed by the now-former owners to call the new owners the next day for a new prospect. The day we were bought out, which none of us knew, the owner came downstairs and privately told me to put a little box story on the front page saying that this was the last issue. Don't get me wrong, I can write pretty quickly. But I stared at that little 4-by-4-inch box on the front page like it was a Bulgarian crossword puzzle that I was expected to complete. I eventually managed to cobble some words together to the effect of how much we had enjoyed serving the community, how our readers were the best... the kind of hollow kiss-ass crap that you hear at the Oscars when millionaire actors thank everyone and air-kiss the world. Anyway, the new bosses... as the editor, my meeting was set for 9 a.m. while my two reporters had 10 a.m. and 11 a.m. meetings. Devastated that our paper had been shut down, we proceeded to go out and get absolutely ploughed! Befuddled and upset by the situation, I sort of remember arriving at the bar in a fog... and not much after that. (I admit this freely, that was 1997... the Statute of Limitations expired on this years ago.)

Damn straight

So the next morning, I dragged my skanky butt in to meet the new owner, looking disheveled, smelling like I'd spent the night swimming in a brewery vat and trying to concentrate while my new boss was telling me about this exciting new newspaper they were opening in Flamborough. "Where exactly is that?" I asked groggily. He showed me the map of Flamborough, which I had heard of but wasn't sure certain of the location. It was directly north of Burlington. Where I lived. I could see my street on the map provided.

"Yeah, I think I can do this commute," I weakly offered up as he handed me the editor's job. Sensing my lack of true enthusiasm, he offered up one more nugget. "There's a bar right across the street."

Umm... SOLD!!! My day definitely perked up. Anyhow, long story short, did this gig for a few years, got bored (as I tend to) and moved on to working in municipal politics for a few years. The people I worked with in politics were great... awesome co-workers. But the job itself blew more chunks than a freshman at a college kegger.

Remember: it's always Beer O'Clock somewhere

So I shifted back to the Beer Store in 2005, found another newspaper gig and did both. But the day I started in September 2005, so did another guy, Jay. Where I was boisterous, loud and jovial, Jay was quiet, mumbled a lot and was very low-key. Turns out that was just at first. When Jay eventually found his comfort zone, he turned out to be one of the funniest guys I worked with, having that low-key, dry sense of humour.

One day, we were working together and this kid walks in to buy beer. The Beer Store rule is: ID25 - you ID anyone who looks 25 or younger. Our District Manager says: make it 30. So A LOT of people get carded. This kid hands him his ID and Jay says, "No, I don't think so. This is not you. I played hockey with this guy." The kid hesitates but to his credit, only for a second, and says to Jay, "Yeah, that was me! Great to see you again! Good times, eh?" Jay said dryly, "Oh yeah. Great times, man. So what's my name and what position did I play?" The kid: "Uhhhhh..." Okay... denied.

Vodka: For Russian
teenage hockey players,
the breakfast of champions

But my favourite Jay hockey story involved him playing for a Mississauga Rep hockey team as a teen, around 16 years old. Seems there was a touring team of Russian All-Star teens in Canada and Jay's team was one of the ones selected to play them. Their game starts at 7 a.m. and as a goodwill gesture, the Mississauga players go into the Russian dressing room to shake hands and say hey. "Well, it's 6:45 a.m.," says Jay, "and these Russian teenagers are pounding back vodka like it's water. So of course, they're all as friendly as shit. We say our hello's and go to our dressing room and get ready. We get out on the ice and there's this centre-ice friendship exchange. I think we had, like, stuffed Mounties or something lame like that to give them. But they're giving us bottles of vodka as their exchange gift! We're 16! So all our parents are all flying over to the bench to scoop us this vodka they gave us..."

So the Russians players were as drunk as hell, I said. You must have beat them.

"Oh god no," he said. "They made us look like girls. I think the final score was 17-2. And our parents drank the vodka. So really, kind of a sucky day..."

Okay, in honour of my former co-worker, Jay, who's in a different store now, I want to present some funny North American beer commercials. I'll be straight up: Americans do funny beer commercials better than we do. But I've thrown a few of ours in there too. Just click on the links.

First up, let's throw Molson's tribute to a man who would walk 500 miles with some help from The Proclaimers for a beer in this one called: Molson's 500 Miles. I'll give you a minute. Okay, done? Next one, also from Molson's where a Canadian has to "jersey" an obnoxious American co-worker in one were just gonna call: Wanna donut, eh? Done? Okay, moving on, the opening of a Blue Light is magical as you can see in: Blue Light: Magic Twist Cap Okay, I thought this one was clever. Let's just call it: Molson Canadian: Canada Day! Okay, and finally, the last Canadian entry from out good friends at Alexander Keith's called Hey, Let's Share Good stuff, Canada.

Now before we get to the Americans, there were two Heineken ads that played extensively here in Canada and I have to give them the nod before we head to our brothers to the south. First up is...Men With Talent And while that one is good... I'll see your Men with Talent and raise you... Walk-In Closet

And now is where I give the nod to the Yanks. We see their commercials when we watch an NFL game on American TV and man, they do ads funny, especially Bud Light. They dominate the top spots, starting with: The Elevator After that, well, what can I tell ya. Is there anything better than a Clothing Drive? I dunno, you tell me after you watch: Bud Light: Clothing Drive Taking a second away from Bud Light, Keystone Light has some classic miscommunication with: Blue Tooth Down to the final two, both Bud Light... the runner-up is a beauty known as: Swear Jar

Okay, this final entry is classic! Meant for Super Bowl 2009 (but not aired during the game), I'm not entirely sure it EVER aired. It's 2 minutes long and the funniest ad I've ever seen. Don't know who wrote it because they should get the Oscar of ad writing. Let's call it: Convenience Store

That's all for now, boys and girls. Next up: Game of Throne Beer!!! Yup, not kidding.

Before I go, ever wonder what life is like Down Under? Well, I can't tell you because my college bro, Steve is Down Under... But Slightly To The Right... in New Zealand. Here's his raucous look at life: Evil Stevil But the "other" side of Toronto? Well, my pal from the Shwa, Glenn, has that down in life east of the GTA in: Shwa Stories

Until later, keep pourin' them... because I'm gonna keep drinking 'em!

Canada Day at Brew-Ha-Ha!

When my son, David, was going to Beamsville District High School not all that long ago, I had to shuttle him back to his Mom's house in neighbouring Grimsby for 8 a.m. to catch his school bus. More than occasionally, we missed that bus due to our morning grogginess and ultimate slowness in getting out of our Burlington Man Cave, a.k.a. Casa Redmond. If that was the case, I would simply stay on the Niagara-bound QEW and two exits after his Mom's was the exit to his school, another 10 minutes down the road.

But David watched the clock on the radio intently during those too-late-for-the-bus morning runs. And he had a very specific reason for doing so. At 9 a.m. sharp, the school would play the national anthem and do its morning announcements. If we were still in the car at 9 a.m., usually hitting the exit ramp by that point, David would turn off the radio completely and start singing 'O Canada' as loudly as he could. For the record, my boy is deaf in one ear and I believe the correct categorization for his singing voice would fall somewhere between "caterwauling" and "drunken Scotsman playing a broken bagpipe while stepping on a cat's tail."

That said, it is the sweetest sound in the world to this Dad because David is his absolute happiest when he's singing... which is often. That's why various seasons of Glee are allowed at Casa Redmond. Personally, I think the show's a hunk of crap. (Common theme: "Your Daddy's in the hospital... Imma sing you a song 'bout that..." Uhhh, REALLY? Do emergency wards in Ohio allow flash mobs as a matter of course? Are a lot of high school football players harmonizing and breaking out in dance in the change rooms, or worse the showers, these days?) But the show is exposing David to tons of music he might not otherwise hear from modern rap/hip-hop to classic rock and I see nothing but positive in that. Well, the occasional newer rap song sometimes needs explanations. "Daddy, what's a gold-digger?" or "What's booty?" or "What's 'bust a cap in your cracker ass' mean?"

But back to the point. This is Canada Day - our 146th birthday as a nation - and it reminds me of how David, whether he was in his homeroom at school or running late in Daddy's car, would stop everything cold just to make sure he sang 'O Canada' at exactly 9 a.m. every morning from Monday to Friday. He takes the weekends off because well... that's very much the Canadian thing to do!!! Well, maybe not if you're in retail or the service industries, such as I am. Whenever someone posts a "Thank God It's Friday" status on Facebook - and there are literally dozens every single Friday - all I can mutter to myself is: "... said no one in retail ever..."

However, in honour of Canada Day, I want to draw your attention to one of the most brilliant beer campaigns I have seen in years.

Molson's Brewery has been dropping fridges at various points throughout Europe for the past couple of months. The fridges are filled top to bottom with Molson Canadian in the 473-ml aluminium bottles. But the trick is this: the only thing that opens the fridge is a Canadian passport. To see this clever commercial... Click right here!

I'll give ya a minute... or more precisely, 1:31 mins, the running length of the commercial. This is not a fake, like many commercials of a similar nature. This is for real. Molson's is actually wheeling these fridges in throughout countless spots in Europe. The crowd reaction is legit, as well, filmed by the commercial-makers. Brilliant, isn't it? Tugs a little at the Canuck heart-strings. And it makes you want to have a beer with a bunch of Europeans. That's some incredibly clever marketing.

So hat's off to Molson's for this campaign which apparently they will be continuing, perhaps right up until next year's Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia. So very very cool!!!

And to the rest of us, Happy Canada Day! WE... ARE... CANADIAN!!!!