Ottawa Part One: Friends become family

Most of their faces were familiar in the 613 Ottawa Brew Crew Craft
Brewery Invasion last weekend. From left to right, Glenn, Curtis, Ben,
Joel, Josh, Paul, Matty and Danny. Many of us had first met at the
Huntsville Brewhouse where we made (with a lot of help) the famous
Bucket List IPA. But there were a few newcomers - Ben, Josh and Paul.

As in pretty much every aspect of life, one thing leads to another. I have never really believed in coincidences. My thinking is that nearly all things are inter-woven.

Lest that sound too New Age-y, The Universe Will Guide Us claptrap for you, let me just reassure the masses - I am talking about beer, good great craft beer here, not some metaphysical bullshit. Ain't nobody got time for that!

But allow me to present the facts as I see them. A bunch of us - 13 in total - got together to create a beer at the Huntsville Brewhouse back in April. Shortly after, two of those Brew Crew participants decide to create an Ottawa Craft Brewery Day.

My man, Newmarket Beer Store Bro Paul, shown here at
Kichesippi Brewing ready to steal that bicycle-keg combo
(which had no beer in it so mission aborted) was ON FIRE
with the quips, the jokes and the disses all day Saturday.
Man, he may have had more fun than anyone! Great time!

Coincidence? I think not. One thing almost always leads to another. Huntsville led to Ottawa. I am convinced of it. However, I am also convinced if I continue to work at it, I'll develop telekinesis, whereby I will be able to lift up cars, trucks and tanks... just by using the power of my incredible mutant mind!!! It could happen. You don't know.

We were missing some from the Huntsville adventure - Hamilton Craft Beer Couple, Homebrewer Graeme, Hamilton Artist-Cartoonist David and Barrie Beer Bro Hago - but we gained some new ones in Ottawa - Newmarket Beer Store Bro Paul, Nepean Beer Store Bro Ben and Spearhead Brewing owner Josh. So that's more or less Even-Steven. The rest of the cast remained the same.

But... I dunno... to me, it was like something bigger happened in Ottawa, too. You see, in Huntsville, many of us were meeting for the first time. And honestly, even though we had only previously chatted on Twitter, we all became fast friends when we met in person. This time, in Ottawa, it seemed to become something different.

"Goddammit, Donny, I said 'No paparazzi!!' Put
that weird-ass old camera down!" Yeah, so sorry,
Matty, I don't listen to Satan-spawned Habs fans.
With Maple Leafs, Habs and Ottawa Senators
fans all in the group, there was plenty of hockey
burns and chirps on the day. But no fist-fights.

This time - again, to me, anyway - there was a strong element of becoming, well, like family. You know how we all have those groups outside actual family that you none-the-less consider to be family? Yeah, I kinda think that's what happened here. I'm not sure if the others felt the same way but lemme tell you why that doesn't matter.

You see, this time, it was ALL guys. And if we're family, that means we're brothers. You ever see the actual dynamic between brothers? Insults fly. Burns, well, burn. Disses devastate. Occasionally, fists fly. (Not here, of course.) Basically, your entire life is running them down, belittling them the best you can. But at the end of the day? You'd do anything for them.

So if the other guys didn't get the family vibe that I did? Screw 'em. I'm the oldest, anyway, so they're just little brother pests. I say that, of course, with brotherly affection. (Also, Mom says none of you guys were planned!!! Way to be, you birth accidents!! Best part of you guys probably dribbled down Dad's leg!)

So you get the idea. Even the three new-comers were in on the chirps, particularly Josh and Paul. (Ben drove for a good portion of the day and couldn't imbibe the tasty malts-and-hops nectars quite to our level, which was, of course, beyond reason. Also, it's the law, as well as good old-fashioned common sense so...)

Friday Night when some were just slowly drifting into Ottawa from all
points across the Province, I was already at Orleans Brewing, enjoying
many a wobbly with Spearhead owner Josh, Ottawa Joel, Orleans'
owner Yann and Ottawa Matty. Josh is holding up - I shit you not - a
cup of bacon. "Bacon: Because arteries don't just harden on their own."

Curtis had spent the Friday night in Cornwall, visiting his sister and man, did he get jeered for that. All I know about Cornwall is it's pretty much the last Ontario town on the 401 before you hit Quebec. So really, I couldn't participate.

But to hear the guys diss it, you'd come to learn that the town of 47,000 have banned corn-on-the-cob because between them all, there have only 47,000 teeth. That your Mom is somehow also your aunt. And possibly your grandmother. One of the guys relayed the tale of asking a travel person the best hotel to spend a night in Cornwall and was told to keep driving to Kingston. And here's the thing. Curtis lives in Guelph and somehow found himself holding the goats' horns for Cornwall. But that's how brothers are. Just brutal.

To see a table quite literally filled with Dominion
City Sunsplit IPA - it was available on tap but
wasn't in retail - well, that's a beauty sight. Here,
in a Glenn picture, Danny looks at them in glee.

With fans of the Montreal Canadians, Toronto Maple Leafs and Ottawa Senators all in the wolf-pack, well, NHL rivalries were a gimme for this day. Matty and Danny very deliberately wore their Montreal jerseys on Saturday. As we were gathering, Josh very casually sauntered up, took one look at them and said, "Why would they make a jersey with a toilet seat on it? Who the hell would want something like that?" Toronto's repeated losses to the Boston Bruins in the first round of the playoffs two years running also came up maybe once, twice, probably 1,700 times. I think a few of them found it both hilarious and fascinating that with young thoroughbreds such as Auston Matthews and Mitch Marner on the bench in the waning moments of a crucial match, Leafs coach Mike Babcock thought, "Hey, you know who I should sent out there? I think 39-year-old Patrick Marleau is our man!!" (I'm still face-palming that.)

Oddly, the one guy who escaped hockey wrath was Joel, an Ottawa Senators fan. Why? Well, his team finished dead last in the NHL last year and has Eugene Melnyk as an owner. Toronto fans, such as myself, remember Harold Ballard. So there's kind of an "Ouch, I remember what that was like" thing.

Seeing the pounding poor Glenn was getting from
us in person and on social media, Curtis stood tall
and told us how Glenn had met his brother, Mitch,
and his lady, Anne, at Dominion City and happily
invited them to join in the fun. Curtis said it made
his Mitch's day just being asked. Hey, we all know
Glenn is a great guy. Just don't tell him we said
that. Don't want the dude getting all righteous...

You can diss a brother. But you don't bend him over and jam a cactus up his ass. (But seriously, man, why is your team's arena 23 kilometres outside the city? The Leafs don't play on the Oakville-Mississauga border. The Habs don't play in Chateauguay, Quebec. Just weird, man.)

Hailing from Sudbury, Danny got some ribbing himself. Truth be told, it was the usual Northern Ontario stuff. What's it like now with electricity? How are those indoor toilets working out for you? What did your brother Darryl and your other brother Darryl think of you coming to the big city? Like I said, nothing that's gonna paralyze you with panic.

But Glenn, oh my stars and garters. Where to begin as some of it was self-inflicted. Well, okay, let's start with the St Lawrence River. No matter where we were in Ottawa, Glenn kept asking where the St Lawrence River was. What direction it was. Well, of course, Ottawa is not close to the St Lawrence River. Not even remotely. I think he may have meant the Ottawa River or perhaps the Rideau Canal? Or perhaps even, "Can you point towards the south-east for no particular reason?" But, well, it's Glenn (who I love) so I'm not really sure.

One time, Ben was driving us from one brewery to other and again, Glenn piped up, "Which way to the St Lawrence River?" Ben kinda hummed and hawed while beside me in the back-seat, Curtis was doing that silent laugh shake.

This is why I have always thought Kylie. who I knew
way back in the Rib Eye Jack's craft beer days, was
the best. I go into Nickel Brook looking for one to give
to Danny because man, he lusted after that glass. And,
well, read on. Because Kylie went above and beyond.

Finally, I just said it. "Who are you, Christopher F**king Columbus? How is that even relevant?" Glenn said something about liking to get his bearings and that was that. Except I think it happened a few more times over the course of the day because man, he was getting clobbered (in a funny way) by the guys on social media over the whole St Lawrence River thing. Glenn's old like me so I doubt he really cares but man, it was a riddle.

But it got even better. After he and Paul both landed separately on Friday night and eventually connected with a handful of us at Orlean's Craft Brewing, we all eventually retreated to our hotels towards the end of the evening. But Josh had two trays of Spearhead Brewing's brand spankin' new 4 India Session Ale in his room and invited us up. Because our hotels were adjoining with a convention centre connecting the two, I was up there in a flash. Two minute walk home? I can do that. But because Paul and Glenn were sharing a room at a Holiday Inn that wasn't quite as close as we thought, they had a bit of a hike back to our turf.

Julia pours one of us a taster when we
visited Kichesippi as our first stop on
Saturday. We'll get into the breweries we
visited in the next outing in the space.

Strangely, just as I was getting ready to head back to my place from Josh's room after enjoying two of Spearhead's 4 India Session Ale, they called up to the room. I was stunned. Glenn's got a bad knee so I had no idea how they got over so fast. Anyways, they came in, I left and that was that.

Until Saturday morning. I asked Paul how they got back to the Holiday Inn ($10 cab ride) and said, good stuff. Paul says to me, "Have you ever heard this guy snore?" Well, truthfully, no, I admitted. But the reason I always bunk alone in hotels, refusing roommates, is that, according to those poor ladies I've been with, I not only snore, I also talk gibberish in my sleep, cough loudly and on occasion, sleep-walk. (Gosh... and I'm single - go figure.)

Because we all kinda shrugged Glenn's snoring off (guys snore), Paul decided to tape it Saturday night. And then posted it on Twitter Monday morning. Allow me to set the stage. I've taken my Mom to the dentist so I'm sitting alone in the waiting area. I click on Paul's recording. Not only do I hear the loudest, weirdest snoring ever... but Paul's doing colour commentary on it while it's happening!!! Like that Aussie Man stuff. He called it the "coffee percolator" as in, "Okay, here we go! We're back to the coffee percolator!" I likened it more to loud, repeated wet farts. And the comments came flying fast and furious. It was horrific! And I could not stop laughing! The receptionist asked me twice if I was okay because I think she thought I was having a seizure.

Matty (left): "The Leafs suck." Glenn: "No, the Habs
suck worse." Matty: "Your team's lame." Glenn: "Your
team sits atop Mount Lame!" Matty: "We done?" Glenn:
"Yeah, I think so." Matty: "Beer?" Glenn: "Good call."

A quick shout out to one person who played a role, pre-Brewery Invasion. I popped into Nickel Brook to see if I could scrounge up one of their IPA glasses, an item Danny has long coveted from afar. Much to my surprise, Kylie, my long-time Beer Technician at the now-defunct Rib Eye Jack's Ale House, was working the bar. She was full-time nursing but stopped because her work environment, well, blew chunks. So she's nursing through an agency now on a on-call basis and working the bar at Nickel Brook. I asked about the glass. Yikes, she noted, it was discontinued to the best of her knowledge. Hmmm, I thought, well, I can give him mine. Seeing me pause, her eyes brightened. "I think I saw one floating around here!" And off she went. (She's the best!) Sure enough, she found the last remaining Nickel Brook IPA glass in existence. Eyeing it, she said, "There's spots. Lemme run it through the washer." And we continued to catch up.

Okay, next up the breweries visited during the 613
Ottawa Brew Crew Craft Brewery Invasion, which
include the visit to Kichesippi Brewing where this
sign tried to tell me what to do. A sign. Ordering me
around. This is how anarchy starts, swear to Gawd.

When I was ready to leave, she grabbed the glass, held it up and said she still saw a spot. I laughed and said, "It's for a guy! He doesn't care!" But thank you, Kylie!! You made a little Sudbury boy with the dream of owning a special glass very happy.

One last thing before we visit the breweries in this space next time. My Beau's All Natural Brewing rep Adam visited me not long ago. Turns out he had worked briefly for Josh at Spearhead before heading back to Beau's. Like I said, their paths crossed for only a short time. But he noticed something about Josh. "I've never seen him laugh. Not once."

Well, well, well, it appeared I had a super-secret mission then, didn't I? At some point on the weekend, I had to make Josh Hayter laugh! Did I succeed? Well, you'll have to come back next time when we visit Orlean's Brewing, Kichesippi Brewing, Beyond The Pale Brewing, Waller St Brewing, Bicycle Craft Brewing and Dominion Craft Brewing. But Scooby Doo Gang, that's it, that's all and I am outta here. Until next time, I remain...