Good Robot's condom conundrum

What started as a funny and quite clever promotion got
halted in its tracks by Health Canada. When Good Robot
Brewing wanted to create some condoms with their logo on
the packaging, the government agency stopped them cold.

When I flew into Halifax back in October for my niece Genny's wedding, I came armed with my laptop and a map of the city given to me by the car rental agency. Now granted, I also came with my son and my mother because as the first wedding of any of my nieces and nephews, this was a big deal for the fam-jam.

After we landed, I knew the day before the wedding would be an off-day without any family responsibilities so I pulled up all the information about craft breweries in and around Halifax. I decided on the first three, each for a specific reason. Garrison's and Propeller Brewing were both chosen for their now-20 year history in the city. They were the craft beer pioneers of Halifax. Unfiltered Brewing, owned by husband and wife team, Andrew Murphy and Allison Kearns, was a must-visit simply due to the hoppy genius of their renegade brewmaster Greg Nash. The final pick, the fourth spot, was suggested by a young fellow at the hotel's front desk.

Good Robot head brewer Doug Kehoe is not only hoisted up on the
shoulders of his business partners, Josh Counsil and Angus Campbell in
this Chronicle Herald photo, he is somehow managing to pour beer into
their glasses as he looks dead-ahead at the camera. I can't even imagine
how long it took to get this shot. But I can imagine a lot of spilled beer.

Asking where the nearest Nova Scotia Liquor Corporation was located as my room needed a quick infusion of good craft beer, the young dude told me (a five minute walk) and asked if I planned on visiting any craft breweries while in town. I explained the first three on my battle-plan (or Bottle-Plan, as my buddy Hago calls it) but asked what would be the best fourth. "Oh yeah," he smiled. "Go to Good Robot on Robie Street. It's right around the corner from Unfiltered. The best set-up in town! Huge place!" And thus Good Robot became Stop #4.

Each of the breweries had its own special and separate charms. Garrison's was literally across the street from the Atlantic Ocean. Propeller was a personal favourite of my nephew Thomas who partied there with his buddies while attending Dalhousie University.

My son, David, insisted I get a picture of him besides
this tank at Good Robot, simply because he thought their
logo was "cool." Actually, that is a killer logo they have.

Unfiltered was unforgettable simply due to their dynamite IPAs. As my about-to-be-married niece, Genny, said succinctly about brewmaster Nash, "That man is a genius." (My younger family members know good craft beer. It's a pre-requisite.) And Good Robot? That guy at the hotel front desk wasn't kidding. A huge patio and a two floors of bar area inside the main facility, they built this place to handle some serious foot traffic. While my son David, our beer tour buddy Jeff and I were there, a craft brewery tour bus, jammed with people, stopped there and while this huge hoard wandered in, I marveled that the place still had tons of room to spare. It is the most impressive lay-out of any craft brewery I have visited in either Ontario or Nova Scotia.

But the owners, Josh Counsil, Doug Kehoe and Angus Campbell, all former engineers, nearly went with the name Wrought Iron Brewing at the beginning. Eventually, they decided that name had too much of an Industrial Age feel to it and at the last minute, opted instead for Good Robot. As Counsil told the Halifax Chronicle Herald, "We want to make a business that's fun and approachable, goofy and maybe a bit off-kilter. So Good Robot fit that vibe better."

Their bottle shop is located at the end of the patio portion
of the brewery and adjacent to the main building. In total,
the building is over 1,500-square-feet. So one large place.

And it wasn't long before they created a promotion that was, well, goofy, fun, approachable and off-kilter as they decided last March to create condoms with the brewery's logo on the packaging. The idea was that since they are frequented heavily by the 20-something Millennials, they could promote safe sex with their young crowd. After all, they also have other Good Robot merchandise with their logo, including rolling papers. (Gosh, what possible use could local youth have for rolling papers?) I think the condoms were a great idea - both fun and socially-responsible. Tough to top that approach. Well, except Health Canada had other ideas. The federal agency stopped the condoms being shipped from an American manufacturer to the brewery at the border.

Falling into the category of Experimental Beer,
simply because there was no "So Anyone Wanna
Mix Cherry With Coffee?" category, Good Robot
took a silver at the 2016 Atlantic Canadian Beer
Awards for their Damn Fine Coffee and Cherry
Pie Pale Ale. This beer? She's MY cherry pie!!

Why, you might wonder? Well, it turns out there's a regulation in place that does not allow the importing of "medical equipment" without the department's expressed consent. Wait... what??? Condoms are medical equipment? According to our government, yes, they are. But does that then, by extension, make every university, college and high school student harbouring a medical condom in either their wallets or their purses an actual medical doctor? Careful, gang, that's some delicate medical equipment you're packing there. This is the part of the story where we all pause, gaze at Health Canada and slowly, painfully do a collective facepalm before we look up and sputter incredulously, "Really?"

How did Good Robot react to the news? "We laughed uncontrollably for about two and a half minutes," Counsil told the CBC-News. We'll call that headline: "Good Robot's perfect response to government's are-you-kidding-me rules?" He added that since the rules pertaining to items like condoms were virtually identical in both Canada and the USA, "you wouldn't think that it would be an issue." Well, no kidding. I agree but then again, I never thought condoms would ever be considered "medical equipment" so hey, you live, you learn, bro.

But enough about condoms, despite their value on the Black Market for Medical Equipment. It's time to talk about beer. East coast beer. The good stuff.

Garrison's Brewing owner Brian Titus checks
out the Irish Red Ale coming off the line at his
brewery. This was the first east coast beer I
enjoyed after landing in Halifax and I loved it.

Now the 2016 Atlantic Canadian Beer Awards were held just three weeks after I flew back to Toronto. On the weekend of November 4-6 at The Stubborn Goat Gastropub in Halifax, brewers from the four Maritime provinces all gathered for a right royal piss-up serious and dignified judging of the east coast's best beers. And a few of the beers I lauded in this very space upon my return made the medal cut. Let's file that happy coincidence under "Even A Blind Squirrel Finds The Occasional Nut."

And since we're talking about Garrison's, Propeller, Unfiltered and Good Robot, let's look specifically at their winners. Okay, off the top, you won't see Unfiltered's name here, which can only mean they didn't enter any beer. Much like Bellwoods Brewing in Toronto, who won't put their fine products into competitions, Unfiltered likely figured their IPAs would be too dominant, crushing the hearts and souls of others. So that's a pretty humanitarian gesture on their end.

But the other three were less shy. I was thrilled to see Garrison's Irish Red take silver in the UK Style Specialty Ales category. After stopping at the tiny NSLC outlet near my hotel, I was gutted to see macro beers occupying the fridges while the craft product languished on a nearby lonely shelf.

I smuggled a Propeller Nocturne Dark Lager back to
Ontario in my luggage (as well as a number of Halifax
IPAs for then-coworker Jay-Dawg). The baby was true
black magic from the first sip to the slightly bitter end.

After grabbing bombers of IPAs and Double IPAs from Boxing Rock, Garrison's and Propeller, I also snagged six of the Irish Red. The reason was simply this. The only style of beer I can drink warm is a red ale. That's why I love the style. Equally good, warm or chilled. So this was the first beer I had on Nova Scotia soil and I loved it. But Garrison's wasn't finished yet as they also took a bronze for their Rise 'N' Stein in the German Style Specialty Ales. I never got to enjoy that one but I'll be back.

Propeller also snagged a pair of bronze medals. One was for their Nocturne Dark Lager, a beer that landed on the patio at Donny's Bar and Grill. Roasty malted darkness on the nose, a splash of coffee and some sly hoppiness on the tongue, this 4.8% brew was fantastic. They captured another bronze for their Graceland Too, a 6.5% wheat-based White IPA made with some help from their pals (and our good friends) at Barrie's Flying Monkeys. It wasn't at their retail outlet when we landed there because it was a specialty one-off so at this point, I have consulted an attorney to see if a lawsuit has any merits. (Okay, apparently not. Wow. That was fast.) But when you (kind of) name a beer after a Tragically Hip song, dammit, guys, make it more readily available! That's a humongous slice of Canadiana goodness right there.

Where I normally shy away from White IPAs, one coming from both
Propeller and Flying Monkeys is a different kettle of fish. In fact, it's a
kettle I would happily dive into if Kettle Diving was an actual sport.

Which brings us full circle to the nice (and fun, goofy, approachable and off-kilter) folks at Good Robot. They, too, walked away with a pair of medals at the event. Let's start with the bronze for their Leave Me Blue Kentucky Corn in the North American Style Specialty Ale category. I did not try this beer but buddy Jeff did while we were there. As a devout stout drinker, Jeff was far more impressed with their Tom Waits For No One Stout. But then the Kentucky Corn is a California Common, a very tricky style that takes a macro style, usually a pale lager, and tries to put a micro spin on it. But this one came highly recommended by our server Adam at Propeller. And when a staffer at one brewery endorses a beer from another, you try it.

This is just the facing of Good Robot, patio to the left, two-storey bar to the
right. There's more as the actual brewery is further to the back. Like I
said, this was not a tiny little craft outfit. This was the Beast of the East.

Which brings us to their silver in the Experimental Beer category for their Damn Fine Coffee and Cherry Pie Pale Ale. The coffee flavour comes from the use of Ethiopian Guji coffee grown in cherry soil, which adds a little fruitiness to the bean. Again, it wasn't available when I was there and again, my attorney has told me to drop it. But hey, I will return to Halifax, Nova Scotia again one day. It is now my second-favourite craft beer province.

Time to end this tale but a word to the wise for the guys out there. Before engaging in the wild and nasty, remember to tell your lovely partner: "Hang on, babe, let me grab some medical equipment before we continue." According to the Canadian government, that's some serious romantic pillow talk right there. But guys and doll, that's all, that's all and I am outta here. Until next time, I remain...

Of laundromats and tasty beers!

Well, I haven't had to use one of these in decades but it
did the trick. Although I was shocked and appalled...
SHOCKED AND APPALLED, I TELL YA... that not all
the machines matched. Oh wait, that wasn't me!! That
was some crazy lady reviewing a laundromat all of things.

Something kind of strange happened in the deluxe complex that houses Donny's Bar and Grill at the end of 2016. We were without dryers, those being the kind that dry your laundry. Living on the first floor, I'm just down the hall from the laundry room (which is damn convenient) and having been in this building since 2006, I figured out the best times to go into the room to do my traditional two loads every couple of weeks.

You see, when I moved in, the laundry room had posted hours - 7 am to 10 pm. But here's the thing. At one point early on, I discovered the laundry room was never locked. Like, ever. You wanna know how many machines are in use at midnight or 2 am or 6 am? Zero. You know what the penalty is for using them off-hours? Also, zero. The Laundry Police is not a concept that caught fire in my building. Another concept that has not caught fire since I've lived here? Actual fires. I'm pretty good with that, too.

But while there were five regular washing machines, there were only four dryers. But they were those big-ass ones like the laundromats have. Huge suckers. Still, there was one problem. Every time I went in there, one was out of order.

Yeah, I do my laundry during off-hours but it's not
like anyone was watching me. Right, Ned Flanders?

A different one each time but almost always, one was down. I didn't care. That's left me three which was one more than I needed. And at the hours I was doing my laundry, there was no competition. But sometime in early November, property management decided enough was enough and decided to replace all the dryers. No problem as they posted that new ones would be installed by November 15. Nope. Then it was November 25. Still nope. And on the notes went. December 9 and then December 20. Nope and nope. Finally, the new ones were installed about a week ago. I was willing to ride it out as guys can wear the same shirt for a week and the same pants for a month. The only snag? Underwear. Even guys change those daily (or almost.) I tried to ride it out by buying more but at a certain point, even when I amassed enough new underwear to pitch out the thread-bare ones I should have tossed out three years ago (but still haven't because of What? They're still good! reasons), I knew I was fighting a losing battle and went to the closest laundromat.

Clearly, in a perfect society, every machine
in a laundromat would be uniform and meet
the standards that we expect. But sad to say,
they're not all the same. Anarchy abounds!

Turning to Google, I found the Mount Forest Laundromat exactly 1.9 kilometres (a mile and change) to my east. That would do. But I also noticed the laundromat (and others) had reviews. Seriously? We're at that point in society where we're reviewing frikkin' laundromats now? It had two reviews. One fellow gave it the full five stars, applauding its cleanliness and functioning machines. However, a lady decided it was only a three-star facility. She noted while the equipment all worked, the "machines were all different and fairly out-of-date," it was "not very comfy" and they had no Wifi. Different machines? No Wifi?? How low have we sunk? Granted, the last time I was in one, neither cell phones nor Wifi existed so perhaps my expectations of today's laundromats were not particularly high.

So I decided to write my first, last and only review of a laundromat, just to counter hers. This was my five-star online review. "I went in with dirty laundry and came out with clean laundry. As far as laundromats go, it did the job beautifully. Also I had no idea that laundromats were where strippers practise their routines off-hours. That was a pleasant surprise. Also the strippers seem to have a ton of change, which is handy because... laundromat. No Wifi, as one review noted, but I have an adult-sized data plan so it wasn't an issue."

Let there be two. Longslice Brewing has released their
next beer, Loose Lips Lager, a follow-up to their highly
successful Hopsta La Vista IPA. The boys have done it
again as this is a lager with some nice punchy flavour!

To be clear, there were no strippers practising their routines there, mostly because I don't think they really need to do that. A little bit of shaky-shaky and the taking-off-of-the-clothes part is probably more than enough for the strip-club aficionado. But no one disses the functionality of the Mount Forest Laundromat on my watch during the Dryer Crisis of 2016. I got your back, Laundry-Bros!

Okay, since this is supposed to be a beer blog, not the Laundromat Review Hour (now with strippers!), let's start by walking down some familiar turf  - the boys at Toronto's Longslice Brewing. The Brothers Peat (Jimmy and John) as well as co-founder Sebastian Lesch have finally released their second beer, this time, John's recipe for Loose Lips Vienna Lager. Okay, you see that Detroit Beer Company glass it's in? From the top right down to the word Detroit, you get the toasty malts on the nose and tongue.

The richness of this stout will mooooove you. (Yeah, I
went there.) As explained to us at the Rib Eye Jack's
Beer Fest in October, the chocolate used in this one
is Belgian chocolate. The difference between that and
our chocolate? They have a few centuries headstart
perfecting the Dark Chocolate Arts. (Witchcraft???)

As you can see, the colour is a little pale for a Vienna so I kinda figured that's how this would go down - a malty, easy-drinking lager to the end. But about halfway through that logo, the Millennium and Saaz hops in the 5% brew start to pop a little and you get some really nice bitterness on the end. Not hugely so but enough to notice as the taste does a shift in the latter half. (This is also why you need a full beer, not just a sample at a Beer Fest, to truly assess one. Only strippers go by samples alone.) It doesn't top their Hopsta La Vista IPA in my books but then, these guys came out of the gate huge with that one. Still, this was quite refreshing!

Well, Big Rig Brewing out of Kanata, Ontario just keeps churning them out. Again, another example of  my "A sample ain't ample" credo as I tried (and quite enjoyed) the Midnight Kissed My Cow Double Chocolate Stout at the Rib Eye Jack's Beer Fest here in Burlington last October. By no means a complex stout, this 5.6% black pour with the tan head offers more coffee and toasted malts on the nose than anything else. But once on the tongue, the chocolate punches its way to the foreground. Given all the bourbon-barrel-aged stouts I've have recently, the body on this seems a little thin by comparison but then again, it's nice to get back to basics. This one does the trick beautifully. To be honest, I feel like I've been clobbered over the head with a bourbon barrel when I drink some stouts these days. I love them but man, they're hardcore.

After I learned that $1 from every litre of Royal City's
Remembrance Red Ale went to the Wounded Warriors
Canada campaign to help injured soldiers, I bought a
few of them. A good cause and I love my red ales so...

Let's look at a beer that had some heart in the vat. That would be Royal City Brewing's (Guelph) Remembrance Red Ale. Now I know a lot of folks think red ales are kind of bland but I have always loved them. Still, a lot of people are pretty bland so truly, life balances out that way. Granted, since I have actually online reviewed a laundromat now, I'm probably in that group, too. ("The machines were very washy and sudsy with my clothes...") But way back in early-November, I watched one of my beer writing buddy Drunk Polkaroo's video reviews about this beer and learned not only was it damned tasty, it contributed to a good cause. It seem a dollar for every litre (34 ounces) sold went to the Wounded Warriors Canada group, which aids our injured soldiers. So sign me up, Sergeant.

It was, as promised, one tasty little ale. Pouring a reddish-amber hue, there was a bit of malts and dark fruits on the nose with some apple tastiness on the tongue in this 6% ale. So you know, I am the only guy who gets some apple taste from nearly all red ales. I get challenged on that a lot from other craft drinkers but now that I'm a renowned laundromat reviewer, I suspect they'll keep a respectful distance.

Oh Good Golly, Miss Molly, this was so sweet. Created
by Sawdust City Brewing and Sweetgrass Brewing, this
tasted EXACTLY like a butter tart! So very very sweet.

Okay, since I'm looking at all sorts of styles today, let's really go for broke. That would be a collaborative effort between Sawdust City Brewing (Gravenhurst) and Sweetgrass Brewing (a husband and wife team that own The Auld Spot bar in Toronto and contract-brew out of Wellington in Guelph.) Every year, it seems the tiny town of Midland, Ontario has this wild and crazy Butter Tart Festival. It's their claim to fame. Since butter tarts are very much a Canadian thing, allow me to explain to my American and international readers what they are. Imagine a pastry shell that's tart-sized but you filled it with a solid but sticky concoction of raisins, maple syrup and sugar. Guess how that tastes? Sweet, you say? Yeah, good guess, You don't even care that raisins are in there. I have no idea why "butter" is even in the name. So this 5% Maple Butter Tart Ale was created specifically for that festival. And contrary to all brewing science, this beer tastes exactly like a liquid butter tart.

How on earth did I manage to land a Clown Shoes
Space Cake Double IPA? I honestly have no idea.
Beers just magically land in front of me and to be
polite, I drink the hell out of them. I'm just that nice!

Is that a bad thing or a good thing? Neither. It's a butter tart thing. So very sweet, you could not have more than one. Truth to tell, I had trouble finishing mine. But the festival asked for a butter tart beer and those two breweries delivered. There can be little doubt that this is one of the most unique dessert beers I've ever had. But oh man, so sweet. You have been warned.

Okay, let's finish this off with a big IPA since I have been all wandering all over the beer style boardwalk today. While clowns usually scare the begeezuz out of most rational people, their big-ass shoes are pretty hilarious. So you have to admire a brewery called Clown Shoes because it's a funny name. Like Turd Ferguson. But while I had this beer review in my written transcripts - that's where I listen to my voice recordings and simply type them onto an ongoing email page addressed to myself - the review was quite dated. So I was curious how the hell this Clown Shoes' Space Cake Double IPA landed in my hands. As a man who constantly crosses the Niagara Falls, New York border for American craft beers, I strongly suspected it was one of Beer Bro Glenn's finds and there's a simple way to track him down. Go onto RateBeer and see if he's done a review. And by gawd, on June 12, 2016, there it was - Glenn's review. So he's the likely culprit.

Oh calm down, people! What could possibly go wrong??

Depending on the source, Clown Shoes contract-brews out of either Ipswich Ale Brewing or Mercury Brewing in Ipswich, Massachusetts. But since both are listed at the same address, I'm guessing there's simply been a name change. So how did they come about? Well, founder Gregg Berman entered "Clown Shoes" into a Beer Advocate best-name contest years ago. How did that turn out? "Our submission didn't crack the Top-Five," noted Berman. "This burned me up inside. While driving one day, the epiphany came. I could make my own Clown Shoes beer." So he did... and they became popular. Not too hard to see why. The Space Cake Double IPA at 9% and roughly 85 IBUs (international bitterness units) starts with (my transcribed words) "a shit-ton of citrus and pine on the aroma" but was both "heavily-malted and yet bitter on the tongue." My five-word summation of it? "I'd happily drink this again." There you go but that's enough for today. So guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! Until next time, I remain...

The labels we loved in 2016

Back in June, Highlander Brewing's Brian Wilson sent me a private
note on Twitter, saying their new beer, Ox Blood Pale Ale, had a label
which was actually a flexi-disc that could be peeled off and played on
your standard turntable. Great idea and kinda fun but who still has a
turntable? Mine has been in my Mom's crawl-space since about 1984.

Have you ever gone to the porcelain throne without your phone and found yourself reading the label of a shampoo bottle? No? Well, lemme give you the Cole's Notes' version of that read. On pretty much every shampoo bottle label, we are told to "lather (or wash), rinse and repeat." Now if you're like me, you're probably thinking, "Why would I wash my hair twice? Is this shampoo so crappy that the first time doesn't take?"

The fact is, no, once is plenty. But if you do it twice, as suggested, you will go through shampoo twice as fast. That necessitates buying more shampoo. Big Shampoo knows that and hopes you buy into their instructions. The problem is since we have all been washing our own hair since the age of, say, eight, suddenly stopping that routine and saying to yourself, "Twice? Wow, that makes much more sense!" is highly unlikely. Perhaps they shouldn't have created a product with the word "sham" built right into it. And gawd knows who came up with "poo" as the big closer but I kinda hope he got at least pistol-whipped.

Now that we are done with both the shamming and pooing of Big Shampoo's misleading labels, let's turn our attention to some craft beer labels that caught my attention in 2016. Truth to tell, I have never seen a beer label that tells me to "pour, drink, repeat." That seems somewhat akin to your doctor saying, "For the best results in staying alive, inhale, exhale, repeat." Some things you just know by instinct.

No mention of beer labels is worthy if it does not include
a Great Lakes Brewery label created by artist Garnett
Gerry and graphic designer Fabian Skidmore. And their
Octopus Wants to Fight IPA is a great label. I looked at
their Pompous Ass Pale Ale last time but this one is classic

Back in June, I got a private message on Twitter from Brian Wilson, the brewmaster of Highlander Brewing up there in the tiny cottage town of South River, Ontario. He hush-hush whispered that the brewery would soon be releasing a pale ale where the label was actually a record that could be played on a turntable. I would tell Millennials to Google what a record is, except for the past decade all I've been hearing about is vinyl making a big comeback so presumably they know. Also, talking about the previous existence of vinyl to the younger generation that taught my generation how to download (legally and illegally) music for free seems as pointless as that "repeat" instruction. They have already found their record stores at a hefty discount on the cyber-waves.

But the Highlander beer was called Ox Blood Ale, a 5.4% "summer-style" pale ale while the song, also called Ox Blood was the work of California thrash-metal band Plague Vendor. The beer was released at just six Beer Stores in Toronto so I never got my hands on one. But I have to give the South River gang props for label innovation.

I loved Shillow Brewing's (Toronto) Beer Snob Belgian
Rye Ale's label but when I Google-imaged it, I came
across this photo of a beer lover mimicking that very
label. So I had Beer Bro Stevil St Evil inset the chap
from the label, bottom right, for comparison reasons. 

As for the song? Well, I hear it's quite likely available on the internet.

Moving along, any conversation about great beer labels in Ontario could, in fact, begin and end with artist Garnett Gerry and graphic designer Fabian Skidmore, the talented duo behind the cartoon labels that adorn a good many Great Lakes Brewing's bottles and cans. Last year, I honoured their Maniacal Hopshop IPA as the best label of 2015 and said that I wish I knew who created them. Someone instantly buzzed me back on the Twitterverse, identifying Garnett and Fabian. That lead to a separate column just on their artistic collaborations a year ago. In my last column, which looked at potential changes to GLB's much-lauded Tank Ten, I included a picture of their Pompous Ass Pale Ale, which has always cracked me up. Today, I'm throwing Octopus Wants To Fight IPA in the best-label mix-tape. I could go on and on, basically repeating a column I wrote a year ago but these two guys always rise to a very specific challenge - making the can look as good as the beer that's inside it. We are truly not worthy.

Shillow Brewing out of Toronto only has a few beers out of the gate so far but already they've thrown themselves in the clever label sweepstakes.

The artwork on Flying Monkey's Deep Tracks American
Brown Ale nagged at me. I knew I was familiar with the
art styling but could not place it. It took a while - a long
while, actually - but eventually I realized that they had
created a homage to 1960s counter-culture artist Robert
Crumb's work on this comic book. That's a great label.

I had already earmarked the label for their Bitter Waitress Black IPA for inclusion here. That was until I saw their Beer Snob Belgian Rye Ale label and better yet, found an image on Google of a beer lover mimicking the fussy little character on the can as he enjoyed one. That was a true LOL moment for me because that guy nails it! Great label, great beer, great fun.

A Flying Monkeys' (Barrie) label proved to be my biggest challenge here. When I bought their Deep Tracks American Brown Ale, I was buying far more than just the best brown ale you'll have this year. Seriously, try it - at 6.2% and 45 IBU (international bitterness units), this is unlike any brown ale you've had. Toasty caramel on the nose but followed by some tasty Centennial hops on the tongue, it's the answer to the question: What would happen if you brewed a staid brown ale but added west-coast pale ale sensibilities? But there was a bigger question at hand. As I stared relentlessly at the label, I knew the comic book-style artwork looked familiar but for the life of me, I couldn't remember where I had seen it. So I searched. No dusty corner of the Internet was safe. As a comic geek, I knew it was from the distant past but I couldn't figure it out the where and when. Eventually, I struck gold. Well, stumbled ass-backwards across the answer would be more accurate.

And speaking of comic books... Every bottle that comes out
of Collective Arts Brewing had different artwork on each
label. But this bottle of Ransack The Universe Hemisphere
IPA stopped me cold with this crazy cool Spider-Man
theme. British artist Wayne Chisnell of London designed
this one that I dubbed "Picasso on Acid does Spider-Man."

Robert Crumb was a counter-culture artist back in the late-1960s. So a bit before my time as I would have been a little kid reading Spider-Man and Batman comics back then, rather than drug-oriented adult fare. But I remember a stoner buddy having a bunch of Crumb comic books in the 1980s and they were certainly... different. But I remembered the art style. What Flying Monkeys has done, as you can see above, is create a homage to a Crumb cover but added some Canadian touches. On the label, the old blues man playing the harmonica is no longer wandering down some 1930s Mississippi dirt road but up Highway 400 (the dirt road version) towards the brewery. The label is clever and artsy but mostly, it presented me with a bloody tough memory challenge.

As a general consensus over the "cool factor" between myself and former coworker Jay-Dawg, I was going to include 5 Paddles Brewing's awesome skull-centric label for their In Your Face IPA. Except the Whitby brewery out-did that label with two others.

I never got to try this beer and I'm hoping it wasn't a one-off
because I would keep this just for the label alone. Too funny

Not long after the movie, Straight Outta Compton, hit the theatres in the Summer, the boys and girls at 5 Paddles created a huge 8%, 81 IBU brew called Straight Outta Whitby IPA. While the movie poster featured the snarling faces of the five founding members of 1980s rappers NWA (which I believe stands for Nigerians With Attitude), the 5 Paddles label featured the five owners of the brewery - Spencer McCormack, Mike Bray, Ed Woods, JP Tibensky and Ian Mills. They look like pretty happy, non-threatening white suburban males, probably because that's exactly what they are. But 5 Paddles, five owners and five medals at the 2016 Ontario Brewing Awards - this brewery is clearly about mathematical symmetry. And creating funny labels that hop aboard a clever trend when they see one. As you might recall, it was the Summer of "Straight Outta..." everything memes.

The second 5 Paddles label came to my attention after my beer-video-reviewer buddy, Hago Vanayan, posted it on Twitter. I only remember which social media platform because I retweeted it as I laughed.

While this is not Hago's picture, it was his post that
first drew me to this 5 Paddles' Skull Pucker Sour
IPA. I love... love... LOVE this label. Great job, gang

Back to their skull-centric theme, the graphic designers for 5 Paddles created this hilarious one for their Skull Pucker Sour IPA, showing both the skull's reaction to the sour flavour and the brewery's flair for a clever name. When I retweeted it, I told Hago how much I loved the label and he confessed, "That was my face when I drank it." Oh, I remember my face when I tried my first sour - Nickel Brook's Berliner Weisse. And yeah, I made that "baby takes a bite of lemon for the first time" look.

The last labels I'm going to look at today are not glamourous or glitzy but rather a rebranding of a core line-up. Cameron's Brewing out of Oakville was happily selling their Lager, Cream Ale and Auburn Ale in serviceable but somewhat plain packaging during their 20-year lifespan. (Actually, this year is exactly 20 years as founder Cameron Howe created it in 1997.) But like I said, the packaging was somewhat plain. Not that I truly care because I'm all about what's in the bottle, not on the label. Still, this is a column about labels and Cameron's did a damn big revamp last February, recreating their Core Three brews into new packaging with brand new names. And the new look was a beauty that beer lovers applauded.

As well as a new Cameron's Brewing logo, the brewery
rebranded their three main beers last February for this
cool new look with brand-new names attached. Very nice

The Lager became the Captain's Log Lager, the Cream Ale became the Cosmic Cream Ale and my personal favourite, the Auburn Ale became the Ambear Red Ale. The new branding and packaging came with help from Toronto firm, Cactus Designs, and gave each beer a brand new back-story.

That's it for my look-back at the labels I loved this year but I'll probably continue to drop more clever ones in here from time to time. However, with my two Best of 2016 columns followed by the news buzz around both Nickel Brook and Great Lakes Brewing in my last one, it dawns on me that I am miles behind on my actual beer reviews so lots of those next. But remember, if you're feeling down and out, looking to just build a wall around your emotions, you go ahead. As I understand it, Mexico will pay for that wall. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here. Until next time, I remain...

New Year's news from GLB and Nickel Brook

While the Arts and Science Brewery in Hamilton
makes beer for both Collective Arts and Nickel Brook,
we tend to think of it just as Collective Arts' building.
Why? Because it's their retail component. To buy
some Nickel Brook beer, it's a drive to Burlington...

This was supposed to be my loving look back at last year's best labels and while that is coming next, I have a tendency in this little column to get very easily side-tracked. I don't want to say I get side-tracked every moment of every day, mind you. I actually do. I'd just prefer not to say that.

Okay, what the hell was I talking about before that squirrel just ran across my patio? Oh right, hadn't really started.

This story starts back in 2016. All the way back to December 31st. I remember it like it was last week. At the suggestion of my new Beer Store manager, Jeff, I had taken the work days between Christmas and New Years off "to be with your little guy!" I thought that idea was a great one since I got my boy on December 26th so hell yeah, I'll take that week off. (We had a blast that week but that does not pertain to this news alert in any way.)

So, un-side-tracking my way back to New Year's Eve, I figured I better get some beers in my fridge for both that night and January 1st due to some Pagan ritual that sees Canada shut down entirely on the first day of the year. That is except for gas stations, McDonald's and Donny's Bar and Grill (because the owner is a Buddhist and cannot read a calendar.)

As you can see, young Kylie is right (as usual). The Beer
Garden at the Arts and Sciences Brewery has both Nickel
Brook and Collective Arts beers available for your happy
Summer imbibing. That's a whole lotta tasty in one place.

So off to Nickel Brook I drove. After all, if I'm bringing in a New Year, I'm doing it with my homeboys' beer. After an arduous 300-second drive to the brewery (they are that close), I was happily chatting with long-time brewery stalwart Robbie and happy newbie Charles. They told me that some Nickel Brook (administrative) staff had been moving from Burlington to Hamilton into the Arts and Sciences Brewery which houses both Nickel Brook and Collective Arts. Not surprising as the space at the Drury Lane facility is limited but he added a new wrinkle. "We're also setting up a new retail (outlet) there," noted Robbie. Instantly, I panicked and asked if the Burlington brewery was shutting down.

 Not going anywhere and thank God for
that! The Drury Lane Brewery is staying
put and will continue to be a retail outlet
for both Nickel Brook beers and the new
variants coming out of their Funk Lab.

"No, no," Robbie assured me. "This place is staying. We'll just be for sale in two places." That sparked my curiosity since as I understood it, by law, craft breweries are only allowed one retail outlet. "We brew in both places," offered up Charles. "Maybe they have to let us?"

Still uncertain of the legalities, I texted long-time Nickel Brook buddy, Tony Cox, early on New Years Day and asked him simply, "Are you the first craft brewer in Ontario with two retail outlets?" Out of respect for my homeys, I also asked if the news was hush-hush, never to be spoken of... you know, like that nasty-ass Lord Voldemort. (Shout-out to Harry Potter fans there. Go, Gryffindor!)

Tony got back to me within the hour and asked: "What in the blue hell are you doing up so early on New Year's Day? Shouldn't you be hungover?" I saw the New Year in on live-stream from New York City's Times Square with my lad so yeah, I kept it quasi-respectable. But I'm glad true friends care about my often-addled state.

As to the question at hand, Tony noted that Mill Street Brewing has long had a retail outlet in Toronto, as well as another at their brewpub in Ottawa. Of the new Nickel Brook outlet in Hamilton, he offered, "It's in the works." That likely translates into "hog-tied at this exact moment with bureaucratic red tape" but hey, nothing good comes quickly or easily. The Ontario government makes sure of that. (Also, it's been pointed out to me since publishing this that Amsterdam and Bellwoods both have two bottle shops.)

Nickel Brook Brewer Patrick Howell is now in
charge of the newly-created Funk Labs, which
cranks out all manner of wild and crazy beers.

The new retail outlet does make sense, mostly for the reason that young Charles pointed out - Nickel Brook does, in fact, brew both in Burlington and Hamilton. Their regular line-up, including my much-beloved Headstock IPA and Naughty Neighbour American Pale Ale, are now brewed in the much larger vats in Hamilton. That leaves Nickel Brook's Burlington brewery open to create far more esoteric beers (which I'll get to in a second.)

But the thing is, even though I have watched the creation of the jointly-owned Arts and Sciences Brewery over the past three years - from crazy thought to actual reality - I, like many others, only think of Collective Arts when I venture to the plant on Burlington Street in Hamilton. And that's simply because they are the sole retail component. I get my Nickel Brook beer in Burlington, the city, not on Burlington, the street.

When I was at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House recently, I bounced the notion off my favourite beer technician Kylie, as she knows a number of employees at both breweries. She said she had heard "whispers of it" but pointed out that ultimately it makes sense.

As rock group Extreme themselves sang in 2004.
♫ If you don't like... what we're brewing... get the
funk out..." That's some solid advice right there.

"Well, they do sell both Nickel Brook and Collective Arts (beers) at their Beer Garden," she said of the venue first set up at the Hamilton brewery last Summer. "So I can see it."

So with all the first-line Nickel Brook beers being brewed in Hamilton now, what's going on with the Drury Lane brewery these days? Well, back in October, they announced that they had reinvented themselves as The Funk Lab. And that means what exactly? According to the gang of mad scientists and mutant misfits in Burlington, it means they are "dedicated to brewing small-batch funk and sour beers using rare and wild yeast strains." One of them, their Uber Raspberry Berliner, a sour German wheat aged with Canadian raspberries, already copped a gold at the 2016 Canadian Brewing Awards. And they have already made dozen more, many reviewed in this very spot, including the Ceres Cucumber-Lime Gose, the Dreamsicle Orange Vanilla Pale Ale and their biggest bomb-blast to date, the Cafe Del Bastardo Imperial Stout which blended stout and Colombian coffee beans into a bourbon barrel. So explosively tasty, it damn near killed me.

Great Lakes Brewing's Head Brewer Mike Lackey stands in
front of the famous GLB Tank 10. There's some big changes
coming to the tank this year. But so far, the brewery is only
tossing a tease our way. Official announcement is next month.

Several days after they made the Funk Lab announcement, I got a panicked message from Beer Bro Stevil St Evil, all the way down there in Wellington, New Zealand. "Where are you gonna get your growlers of Headstock IPA now? Do you have to drive to Hamilton?" Please understand that when Stevil stayed here for a week in June 2015, he loved all the Canadian craft beers I plunked down on the table but one of his personal favourites was Headstock IPA, fresh from the growler. So I assured him that no, all Nickel Brook products were still available down the street and around the corner from me. Despite the fact that he is 14,000 kilometres (8,750 miles) away, he seemed oddly relieved.

So leaving the "in the works" and "makes sense" speculation surrounding Nickel Brook's possible second retail outlet, let's drive happily east on the QEW (it's a highway named after the Queen of England) until we land in front of 30 Queen Elizabeth Boulevard (apparently a highway wasn't enough for that royal bit... never mind) in Etobicoke, home of Great Lakes Brewing.

My next column is about labels I loved in 2016
but I'm giving GLB a head-start on the others
with this beauty from artist Garnett Gerry and
graphic designer Fabian Skidmore. This label
allowed them last February to put on their sign
out front: "Fresh GLB. Get your Pompous Ass
in here!" Too bad these guys don't have any fun.

On December 30th, just one day before I was picking up my New Year's Eve stash, GLB was making a splash of their own with a video announcement of changes to their Tank Ten series in 2017. (I'll include a link to the announcement at the bottom.) So what's Tank Ten? Well, to Ontario craft beer drinkers, it's the most popular and likely most profitable beer tank in the Province in which we actually know its number. Oh sure, GLB has other tanks of different numerical significance but we couldn't identity any of them, even under police interrogation.
Good Cop: What tank do they use to brew Canuck Pale Ale?
Me: I dunno. I swear. Tank Seven? Tank Four?
Bad Cop: I will kill your goddamn dog!!

As you'll hear in the humourous announcement, some of the previous occupants of Tank 10 will be vacating in 2017. Which ones? Well, they didn't say. So let's go onto their website and check out the previous tenants. There's some beauties in here - Octopus Wants To Fight IPA, Thrust! An IPA, Lake Effects IPA, Miami Weiss Wheat Ale, Miami Weiss White Pale Ale, Karma Citra IPA, Robohop Imperial IPA, Harry Potter and the Bourbon Soaked Vanilla Bean, Audrey Hopburn Belgian IPA, My Bitter Wife IPA, Chill Winston Grisette, Limp Puppet Session IPA, Johnny Simcoe Pale Ale, No Chance With Miranda Saison, Saison Dupump, Citraddiction XPA, Hissyfit Grisette, Long Dong Pilsner, Etobichoker Belgian Double IPA, Apocalypse Later Imperial Black IPA, Harry Porter, Maniacal Hopshop IPA, Life Sentence Triple IPA and Body Dubbel Belgian Ale.

My first beer of 2017? GLB's Bourbon Barrel-Aged
Solstice Imperial Stout. While I had previously said I
would enjoy this beer of the day of Winter Solstice,
December 21st, the shortest day of the year, I got
sidetracked (there it is again) by the Christmas Beer
Store traffic. So I drank it on the shortest day of 2017
(so far), January 1st. That's a New Year's Resolution!

Got all that? Aside from a couple I've never heard of (and would really like to try), I think there's a few more missing from the list. So who's going and who's staying? Well, we don't know. Those marketing teasers and tossers never said. But we'll know in a month or so. Best bet? Every IPA stays put. But that too, like Nickel Brook's second outlet, is purely speculative at this point. We'll have to wait for a few celebrities to die first before they tell us. (Too soon?)

This brings me to my first beer of 2017. Rather than a Headstock IPA, I went off-script and started the New Year with Great Lake's Bourbon Barrel-Aged Solstice Imperial Stout. According to the label, it was brewed on the Vernal Equinox (March 20 - first day of Spring) and then shifted into bourbon barrels on the Summer Solstice (June 20 - longest day of the year). From there, it rested until they tapped into those barrels in December. To that end, I was supposed to drink this Christmas gift from Beer Bro Glenn on the Winter Solstice (December 21st - the shortest day of the year) but Christmas happened, it got forgotten and thus became my first beer of 2017. Whoa, quite a way to start a year. The 11.9% coal-black stout had big blasts of coffee, vanilla and booze on the nose, followed by more coffee, bitterness, bourbon and woodiness on the tongue. A terrific start to the year! "Otay!" as Buckwheat would say, back in a few with those labels I loved. And here's GLB's video announcement here: GLB's Tank Ten Tease! But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here. Until next time, I remain...