Spocking $5 bills and StoneHammer shifts

Live long and deface $5 bills... Tis the way Canadians prosper.

I suspect most of you out there have heard of vulcanized rubber, a process whereby rubber is made more durable with the addition of sulphur. That form of rubber is used in car tires, shoes, hoses, conveyor belts... pretty much everything rubber-related.

Well, up here in Canada, we aren't content to use the process just for rubber. No, we like to Vulcanize our $5 bills, as well. Given the late Leonard Nimoy's strong resemblance to our seventh Prime Minister, Sir Wilfrid Laurier, it seems that Spocking our $5 bill has become a national past-time.

Phil and Lesley Woodhouse have long dreamed of
owning a brewery. So, if there is such a thing as
Canadian Dream music, cue it up now, because they
went out and bought one. So it is that Guelph's F&M
StoneHammer microbrewery now is their baby...

(If the words Vulcan and Spock mean nothing to you, skip down a bit - beer talk is coming. But we can never be friends. Don't fret - I have friends who would gladly trade places with you.)

With Nimoy's passing last week, it seems all but a certainty that Spocking $5 bills, a sporadic event in the past, is guaranteed to hit new heights now. I've taken in about 10 in at my Beer Store cash register in the past week. (I smile every time. The best ones are "Evil Mirror Spock" with a goatee.) But how does the regal Bank of Canada view such shenanigans? Well, they issued a pretty strong rebuke on the practice of Spocking bills this week. While Bank spokesperson Josianne Menard had to confess that the practice was not illegal, she came down hard on the wannabe Trekkie artists, noting that Spocking the $5 bill was... (please stay seated because this is harsh)... if you're ready, ahem... she said it was "irresponsible." Now if you're not Canadian, you're probably thinking, "Irresponsible? That's it?" But up here in the Great White North, it's the equivalent of your Mom saying, "I'm not upset. I'm just disappointed..." Colour us devastated. Four... three... two... one, over it! Now pass me that fiver...

Brewmaster George Eagleson will be staying on at
StoneHammer after the ownership change. It sounds
like all the former F&M employees will stay put...

Okay, before we get to beer, it's important to note that Nimoy, while much beloved by Canadians, was actually American (born in Boston - or using their accents, Bah-stun). That said, two of his famous cast-mates James T Kirk (William Shatner - Montreal) and Scotty (James Doohan - Vancouver) were Canucks so we have a serious heritage stake in Star Trek. Even Pavel Chekov, the Russian navigator played by Walter Koenig, was born in Chicago, which is pretty damn far from Moscow. That said, his immigrant Russian Jewish parents give him some decent Eastern Bloc Cred, allowing him to utter such infamous lines as "Kepten, Kepten... the Womulan Wessel... it wanished!"

As for Mr Sulu, George Takei himself, well, he predicted his own future in that classic 1969 episode entitled: Don Is Totally Making This Up.
Sulu: "Captain, my sensors are indicating my unprecedented mastery at something called social media 40 years from now."
Spock: "I can't believe my ears."
Kirk: "Spock, I can't... believe your... ears either!"
(That bit of banter right there would have totally won me a Writing Emmy.) So a heartfelt Godspeed to Mr Nimoy. His original "five-year mission" left an indelible mark on so very many of us.

When my co-worker Marie and her beau
Ernie stopped in to a St.Jacob's pub called
the Shady Tree last Summer, they came
across this kindly bartender and his taps
which exclusively poured the local beers,
StoneHammer Light, Pilsner and Dark Ale

Speaking of living long and more importantly, prospering, a couple of weeks back, I stumbled upon an excellent article on the Mom and Hops website, which chronicles news about craft brewers across Ontario (and more.) Turns out Frank Cerniuk, owner of Guelph's F&M Brewery, known for its StoneHammer line, was looking to retire from the craft brewery game and was putting the feelers for potential buyers. Phil and Lesley Woodhouse, with their backgrounds in the pharmaceutical industry and small business book-keeping respectively, jumped on the opportunity and purchased the 20-year-old brewery lock, stock and (quite literally) barrel, keeping on all of F&M Brewery's employees, including Brewmaster George Eagleson. The only thing the couple let go of was the F&M name, opting to simply call it StoneHammer Brewery - something most of us already did, to be honest. Flashback to the 2014 Winter Craft Beer Festival at the Steam Whistle Roundhouse: while my shivering friends lined up at the Thornbury Cider booth for some warm cider, I decided that if I ever opted for warm cider over cold craft beer, even in the dead of Winter, I'd simply go lick the cat's litter box, instead. Thus it was I found myself at the adjacent F&M StoneHammer booth, happily quaffing their outstanding Coffee Oatmeal Stout - repeatedly as my friends were in quite a line-up while I was leaning solo at the F&M booth. Chatting to the worker, I asked what F&M actually stood for because, well, we all called it StoneHammer. Turns out that was owner Frank and his wife... okay, here's where my memory gets sketchy - it was either Mary and Miriam. I tried Googling her name to no avail. ("I'm not upset, Google... just disappointed...")

I finally got my hot little hands on some Great Lakes
Brewery Karma Citra IPA, the silver medalist at last
year's Canadian Brewing Awards. The pair here are
bookending Sawdust City's excellent Lone Pine IPA...

Suffice it to say, we are all rooting for Phil and Lesley in this new endeavour and I personally will do my part by drinking all the StoneHammer Coffee Oatmeal Stout I come across. When Spring has sprung, time for a road trip to nearby Guelph - I would love to ask Phil and Lesley the in-and-outs of owning a craft brewery. Their perspective as craft newcomers to the scene would, no doubt, be enlightening and entertaining. I would also ask them for a big-ass mug and directions to the stout vat. If I can win an Emmy, I can do Craft Brewery Product Control.

Okay, due to Daylight Saving's Time, none of the clocks at Donny's Bar and Grill are in sync but I'm sensing it must be Beer O'Clock here. The beer to my immediate right would indicate that, as well. Earlier in the week, I product-searched Great Lake Brewery's Karma Citra IPA and it showed up in all six of Burlington's liquor stores. Excited, I told Beer Musketeer Glenn to check his local liquor stores, as well. He reported back that while I had hit a king-ace 21 at the Black Jack table, no luck for him at Durham's liquor stores. However, he happily noted his favourite Oshawa pub, Buster Rhino's BBQ House (opening a new location soon at College and Ossington in Toronto) had it on tap all that week. Well, until Glenn drank it all.

I cannot believe the attention this tasty little
lager gets on Twitter. Someone at Triple
Bogey Brewing knows the social media game

Normally, I would only buy one bottle of a new beer to see if I enjoyed it first. In this case, since Karma Citra won the silver medal for IPAs at last Spring's Canadian Brewing Awards, I rolled the dice and bought two. So how was it? Well, I have bought eight more in the three days since and my local liquor stores show no sign of running out anytime soon. With its over-powering use of the Citra hop, it's (duh) citrus on the nose, delicious citrus bitterness on the tongue. Totally deserving of its heavy medal status.

As a regular user of Twitter, over 90% of the people/groups I follow are craft brewers world-wide. (The other 10% is consigned to comedians - yo, Bill Murray - and pretty ladies because, well, I try to live a balanced life.) To that end, I have never seen a single beer get Tweeted and Re-Tweeted as much as Triple Bogey Premium Lager. Someone at their east end Toronto HQ watches Twitter like a hawk, pouncing on every mention, which as Mr Sulu would tell you is the wave of the future.. okay, present. While it, of course, takes a pounding on RateBeer (21) as many lagers do, I quite liked it and would put it up there with Sleeman's refreshing Silver Creek Lager. With a lager like this, what the brewer is trying to do is lure drinkers away from the mainstream stuff by offering a lager with a little more punch, much like the European lagers do. Triple Bogey succeeds in doing precisely that.

I have had the Collingwood Brewery Downhill Pale
Ale, centre, but remain eagerly in search of their
Fireside Extra Special Bitter, left, a favoured style...

Grainy and malty on the nose, there is a light apple on the tongue that puts it above the mainstream fare. But as I said, their dominance of Twitter is absolutely staggering. I doff my cap. For the record, triple bogey golf is shooting three above par on every hole. Also for the record, I play triple-bogey golf. You've probably noticed I don't really brag about that and have been asked by many a legitimate golf course if mini-putt might not be better suited to my talents. True enough - the windmill hole? I kill at that. The clown-related holes? They scare me and I actively avoid those.

Tiny Collingwood Brewing is another newcomer but like many noobs, they (like Triple Bogey) are slowly gaining notoriety. (I swear this will be remembered as the Golden Age of Ontario Craft Brewing.) They have a small handful of beers out but the most easily procured is their Downhill Pale Ale. Sadly for them (but happily for me) in Ontario, I also believe this is also the Golden Age of Pale Ales and well, the Downhill, while good, is up against outstanding competition. I did like it but against either GLB's Canuck Pale Ale or Nickel Brook's Naughty Neighbour? Well, it falls a little short. Getting a little citrus off this but frankly, far too little. Truth to tell, it's up against giants.

I'll meet you at the corner of Live Long Street and Prosper
Avenue. I'll be the one with funky eyebrows and pointed ears

I wanted to review Georgian Bay Blonde Ale but just realized they're contract-brewed out of Hockley Valley Brewing - I have three of Hockley's beers in the fridge so I'll knock them all off in one fell swoop next time... time after... whenever.

But I want you to consider this. If you are ever called one-in-a-million by anyone, there are actually 7.125 billion people on Earth. That means there are 7,124 people just like you. You must hunt them all down... and eliminate them. There Can Only Be One! Not suggesting Highlander stuff here... just disgrace and humiliate them.

Okay, co-workers Gordo, Marie, her hubby, Ernie and myself attended Rib Eye Jack Ale House's Customer Appreciation Night in Burlington on Thursday. How was it? We felt appreciated. And drank a few brews. Leonard Nimoy, you are missed and we loved you as an emotionless half-Vulcan, half-human. And as a guest on The Big Bang Theory? Like me at mini-golf, you killed that. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain...