Meanwhile, back on that beer boat...

Once you're out on the high seas, there are no laws as
we found out when we jumped aboard the River Gambler
for the Craft Brew Cruise during Toronto Beer Week...

Traditionally, all you really expect from craft brewers is some really good beer. But under special circumstances, occasionally you get more and no, for a rare change, I'm not talking about Imperial IPAs or all those pretty women manning the booths at every beer fest I've ever attended. Or even pretty women handing me Imperial IPAs. Remember, given a choice between pretty women and beer, always choose the pretty women with beer. That's why every beer fest is totally a win-win  for me. *Pause* What the hell was I talking about again? Oh right, I remember!

This was the case at the Craft Brew Cruise aboard the good ship River Gambler a month ago, a beer-filled cruise around the turbulent waters known as Lake Ontario. Tons of beer on a boat is pretty much every fishing trip I've ever been on... but with the boring removed. And replaced with dancing (which would, at least, spice up a fishing trip with the ominous potential for capsizing.) But one craft brewer went that extra step to ensure fun and harmless shenanigans would be enjoyed by one and all at this event.

Eric Doman, half the brother act with sibling Jeff, at Underdog
Brewery chats up some happy customers at the Brew Cruise...

While I was standing in line waiting to board the beer-laden vessel, there was a bachelor party right behind me - six guys who looked like they'd been going hard since early afternoon. They were all dressed to the nines, wearing captain's hats and at this point were harmless but loud fun. I crossed paths with some of them a couple of times while still dry-docked as they were scattered about like stray cats. By the last time I saw them, they were in a bad way. The wobbly groom now had that dull-eyed, glassy stare that just screamed, "I was on a boat? When was I on a boat? Why was I on a boat?" would be his first questions the following day. Loud and fun was straddling that fine line between it and outright douchebaggery. That's when Eric Doman, co-owner of Oshawa's Underdog Brewery, who had been observing the group carefully stepped in and had a word with the organizer. Now I'll call this organizer 'House', not because he was a snarly doctor on TV but because he was [noun] "house, the size of..."

I erroneously identified Oast House as being from Niagara
Falls, rather than Niagara-On-The-Lake. The difference is
the first one has the actual falls while the second one is
adjacent but, uhhhhh, on the lake. Seriously, whoever
named the dinosaurs should name Canadian towns, too!

And suddenly, the bachelor party was *poof* no longer onboard, testing their wobbly sea-legs. Good frikkin' call, Eric and House. It's all fun and games until you're fishing a groom and two ushers out of Lake Ontario. (Okay, that would be a cool fishing trip.)

Okay, while I was so busy heaping brew cruise praise on the unnamed Oast House dark Dunkel and the Double Trouble Brewing's French Press Vanilla Stout, there were a few more that I had and unfortunately neglected. Well, a quick glance at the clock confirms it's beer o'clock at Donny's Bar and Grill (no biggie - all my clocks are set at beer o'clock) so let's look at the orphans I missed.

It's impossible for me to start with anything but Beau's All-Natural Brewing's Channel Ocho Spiced Mexican Ale. Why? Because this 8.9% beer is messed up!

I have no idea what they're showing on Channel 8 in
Mexico... but viewing it clearly cleans out your colon...

"It's very rare that we have this," the Beau's server told me, who only warned me that it was pretty spicy. Uh yeah, pretty spicy. You instantly get chocolate and the much-advertised chipotle pepper on the nose (when they tell you, "Oh, this is in it", you just know you're gonna smell it) but on the tongue, there was something else. Something familiar. Very familiar. You know that feeling that "I totally know this but what the hell is it again??" After a few sips, I finally got it - cinnamon. Lots of cinnamon. I think it took me a bit to figure that out because, much like the Spanish Inquisition, who expects cinnamon in beer? Felt kinda dumb when I finally figured it out but... (Hey, I've seen the show and while I may not be Smarter Than A Fifth Grader, at least I can buy beer, you snotty kids...) And all that cinnamon is on top of the chipotle! If you drank this with bean burritos, there would be no number for what happened in your washroom the next day. Glad I tried it but honestly, even more glad my taster cup was only four ounces.

Barnstormer Brewing and Pizzeria in Barrie is a
newbie to the scene but growing very quickly

Next up was a nice blonde ale but it was, in fact, it was the story of the brewery itself that caught my attention. Barnstormer Brewing and Pizzeria (yes... and pizzeria!) is pretty new to the Barrie scene, basically just finally setting up shop this year after spending all of 2013, jumping through all the usual City Hall bureaucratic hoops and construction headaches. But they already make about 20 different beers and their server told me they're looking to expand production from 10 hectolitres to 30 hectolitres very soon. (A hectolitre is 100 litres or just under 3,400 ounces.) That's pretty ambitious because while beer gives you that very ambition to do anything, it also takes away your capacity to do so. That said, I like their plucky spirit.

Oh and their 5.1% F-Bomb Blonde Ale? It was a nice patio or (in this case) floating drunkfest boat beer. Light compared to the others, no real aroma on the nose, light, citrusy finish on the tongue. I mean, it's a nice safe blonde ale - no one's expecting fireworks. That said, they have a whole bunch more, including a couple of IPAs and I have been known to pass through Barrie...

I fawned over the Oast House unnamed
Dunkel so much that their Barn Raiser
Country Ale was probably getting jealous

Okay, next up, let's raise a glass to Oast House's The Barn Raiser Country Ale. It's a pretty good beer but the toast is more warranted because I praised the brewery's unnamed but outstanding Dunkel in the Craft Brew Cruise blog... and then neglected this entirely. Sorry, Little Barn Raiser, you're cool, too. Okay, lessee, you were light grain and fruit on the nose, lightly hopped and a wee bit of honey on the tongue. Is your brother the Unnamed Dunkel still my Oast House favourite? Well, little dude, parents don't pick favourites. Okay, except one parent. This guy! Okay, I gave the Dunkel a credit card and the keys to the car but you may get some extra dessert, okay? Extra little sliver of cake. Don't whine. Be happy.

And as we wind down, I've been hearing a lot about the Junction Craft Brewery, smack-dab in the middle of my old stomping grounds in Toronto. So I had their Brakemen Session Ale. Again, not much except some malt on the nose, lightly hopped and slightly fruity in that weak British way on the tongue. Not overly impressive though still decent. But that said, I saw their list - they have, like, 50 beers. They'll be back here soon enough.

Thanks to Beer Musketeer Stevil St Evil, here's your
easy-peasy guide to what to drink with which meal!
The one fallacy here is that IPAs go with all foods!

Okay, last on deck (ahoy, matey!) from the Craft Brew Cruise is Collingwood Side Launch's Pale Ale. Hey Side Launch, remember at the Burlington Beer Festival, how much I loved the Side Launch Dark Lager (formerly Dennison's Dunkel) and a week later, how I praised your Side Launch Wheat (formerly Dennison's Weissbier). Yeah? You remember, right? You do, right? Hold onto those memories. Love you guys. Okay, high five! Man hug. Right then, let's talk about your Pale Ale. One: it's not your fault - on the same Brew Cruise was Great Lakes Brewery's Canuck Ale, which is basically Top-Three for all pale ales in Ontario. Okay, you have some nice hops and spiciness in the aroma but on the tongue? A wee bit thin, boys. That said, this 5.3% offering is a nice pale ale but I hold pale ales to the same stringent yard-stick I use for IPAs. Liked you just fine... not taking you home to meet Mom. (Be thankful - she has that unique ability to ask the same question 12 different ways.)

Okay, as I spell-check this, I realize this has been a little bit negative about every beer I discussed. Not intentional. When you're playing catch-up with beer, that's going to happen. The ones that blew you away are gonna get first mention. But that said, I would easily drink all of these again... except that Channel Ocho because I didn't walk straight for a week. (Also hoping it was the reason it burned when I peed the next day.) Remember though, no matter what beer it is, it never asks you if another beer is prettier or what its ass looks like in those jeans! And that Barn Stormer Brewery and Pizzeria sounds uber-cool. Also I truly liked the Barn Raiser Country Ale... but that Dunkel?? Oh man, tough to compete... Next up, in a few days, I will review those six beers from the BC Craft Brewers Guild Natural Selection Mix-Six. (Early hint: Ontario Craft Brewers did it better with their Discovery Park last winter but despite the absence of an IPA, four out of six of these are really good. But guys and doll, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until then, I remain...