Colourblindness and black and white IPAs

Somewhere in this muddled mass of coloured dots is
the number 5.  Some 87.5% of you can see that. But
Neil and myself? We see a lot of coloured dots. In fact,
we can't even begin to imagine HOW you see 5 in this.
Also, I hope Google was right and this IS the number 5.

I learned two very interesting things in Grade 1. The first was that girls had "cooties".  Granted, none of us boys knew exactly what cooties were - we only knew that they were highly contagious and all it took was for a girl to simply touch you and *bam*, you have the cooties, too. Catching the cooties would instantly turn you into a playground pariah and eventually you would die... friendless. None of your buddies would come near you to help. Dead boy walking. However, if you have the foresight to write CP on your hand, it rendered you "cootie proof." It was like a force field that no cootie-laden girl (so, all of them) could penetrate. Eventually, by Grade 5 or so, cooties became less of a concern as girls suddenly became attractive, rather than disease-ridden harbingers of doom.

The other thing I learned quite by accident was that I, in fact, was quite colour-blind. This discovery came one day when we were colouring with crayons and my teacher noticed that my sky was purple and sun was orange.

This is what happens when you send me out to
 buy Red Solo Cups for Beer Pong. Also, you
learn to never send me out for anything again.

Did I actually know the sky was blue and the sun was yellow? Of course, I did because even at a tender age, I knew Superman's powers come from Earth's yellow sun, rather than Krypton's orange red sun. Everyone knows that. But I tell you, the news I was colour-blind came completely out of the green. To that end, from that point on, I was the only student in the class allowed to use clearly-labelled colour pencils while the rest were stuck with those crappy crayons. That was cool.

What wasn't cool was that it began a lifetime of people discovering my little colour deficiency and asking me, "What colour is this?" Repeated. For years. In fact, it's still happens. You get sick of it pretty early - like age 10. The last time it happened (this year), a lady held up her brightly-hued scarf (maybe blue, maybe purple) and asked me what colour it was. I studied the scarf for a few seconds and reported grimly, "It is the colour of despair and impending death." She didn't like my answer. But as my grandfather used to say, tough shit.

So what is colour-blindness exactly? Well, for starters, let me answer the first question everyone asks. Yes, we do see colours. 

With its silver writing on (I presume) a pale blue
and gray background, the label on Driftwood
(Rock Bay, BC) Brewing's Fat Tug IPA is as
hard for the colour-blind to decipher as ancient
Egyptian hieroglyphics. I drank it anyways. I
mean, it's the label, not the beer. Who cares?

We just don't see them exactly the same as you colour-sighted bastards. About one in every eight guys (12.5%) is colour-blind. Only one in 200 women is colour-blind so it's very rare there but often leads to some tragic shoe or bra and pantie choices. The most common type is Red-Green Deficiency and involves us confusing the shades or hues between colours. We often confuse blue with purple, simply because we can't detect the red in purple. There's dozens more examples but you get the idea. That said, I read a recent study that hypothesized that no two people on Earth see colours exactly the same. So maybe we're all colour-blind to some degree. Hey, colour-sighted people, it's our turn now! What colour are bananas? What colour are tennis balls? What colour is cheese? Why do you keep saying yellow over and over? You're still screwing with us.

Despite knowing hundreds of people over my lifetime, I have never met another colour-blind guy before. This is until my acclaimed New Zealand beer columnist buddy, Neil Miller, acknowledged that he was, too. Finally, a second member in my little club! I intend to land in New Zealand some day soon and then you'll see a couple of craft beer lovers paint the town... purple! So in honour of my Kiwi brother from another mother, I am sticking to colours that Neil and I never mess up - black and white. Meaning, today, we're gonna talk about black IPAs and mention its lesser inbred cousin, the white IPA. So what's the difference between the two styles?

When you receive an unexpected gift from the Kylie
Kraft Kollection, you soon learn that this wee lassie
tends to go big or go home. Hence, an entire growler of
 Collective Arts Brewing's Collective Project: Black
IPA landed at Donny's Bar and Grill. Pretty sweet.

Well, according to the Beer Advocate, "Black IPAs (or Cascadian Dark Ale), range from dark brown to pitch black and showcase malty and light to moderate roasty notes and are often quite hoppy generally with the use of American hops. Alcohol can range from average to high depending on if the brewery is going for an imperial version." At 9.5% and hopped to the gills, Nickel Brooks' Malevolent Black Imperial IPA is a pretty much a perfect example of a top-flight Black Imperial IPA.

Okay, so in layman's terms, think of something that looks like a porter/stout, often smells like a porter or stout but tastes like an IPA made with a splash of coffee. On the other end of the beer spectrum is the White IPA, a style that marries a Belgian wheat and yeast to some distinct North American IPA hoppiness. Despite my Beer Bro Glenn's love of this oddball style, also called Belgian IPAs, in my case, I usually find them about as exciting as tepid dish-water. Then again, Glenn is the same guy to whom I had to explain that a MILF was supposed to be someone else's mother. (Just kidding but call the Burn Unit anyway. That was one sick bro diss.) But we won't talk white IPAs today because I've only had two of them - one good, one really not good. We'll save those for another day.

Despite its impressive pedigree, I found this
to be a little too heavy on the roasted malts and
a little light on the hops. That said, it was still a
damn tasty beer that stacked up well against
the others I bought for this taste-challenge...

However, thanks to beers like Malevolent Black IIPA, the black IPAs are very much to my taste - the best of IPAs mashed with the best of porters/stouts, all under one bottle cap or bar tap. 

So my favourite beer technician Kylie from Rib Eye Jack's Ale House recently told me she had squirreled away some Collective Arts' Collective Project: Black IPA for me. Much to my surprise, it was a full 1.9 litre (64 ounce) growler of the black gold. That, in turn, lead to a conversation about how much beer we had in our respective fridges as it turned out Kylie struggled to make room for this in hers. Listening in was Wayne Brown, the co-organizer of January's hugely-successful Burlington Beer Fest, who looked at me and asked bluntly, "Do you have any actual food in your fridge?" Of course, I do. There's a brick of cheese (which is apparently "yellow" - like I'm gonna fall for that), a jar of garlic pickles and some expired mayo in there. Geez, dude, I'm not a restaurant.

In actual fact, Neil Miller saw his fridge's top shelf collapse under the weight of the beer on it recently. Mine has bowed, especially when I throw three growlers (the weight of three more six-packs but in concentrated form) in addition to all the bottles already up there but has never broken. As for Neil, he's making due without a top shelf simply because "it'll happen again."

This is a pretty solid effort from Kelowna,
BC's Tree Brewing with their Hophead
Black IPA. Another limited edition that
might be better off in regular rotation. And
 again, another tough-to-read label for me as
the red letters do a jump on the background
though I had to ask my son if that was grey
or green. Again, another tricky one for me.

According to its commercial description, the Collective Project: Black IPA is a "limited-edition, single batch craft beer... smooth with a dry finish and some lingering hop bitterness. With 75 IBUs (international bitterness units) and 6.8% ABV, primary notes of citrus, orange and grapefruit are prevalent. The Galaxy, Mosaic and Simcoe hops are nicely balanced, featuring tropical fruit and background hints of chocolate and roast."

I certainly got the grapefruit and citrus (but not the orange) on the nose and it was everything on the tongue as described. In fact, hints of chocolate and roast were exactly that - hints. If I closed my eyes, I might not have known it was a Black IPA at first. But eventually, that roast hits your tongue. And since I tend to drink with my eyes open, your mouth can't ignore what your eyes see. The limited edition thing sucks ass, though, as this should be part of their regular rotation. I thought it was that good.

Next on deck is Beau's All Natural Brewing's Le Coeur Noir (the black heart), a collaborative effort with Jordan Rainhard of Toronto's Rainhard Brewing. Despite being reasonably new to the brewing game (his brewery is less than two years old), Jordan is known for bringing his Hop Savvy to the A-Game court. According to the commercial description, this "black beer offers up aromas of citrusy, piney hops with malt intonations, toast and restrained mocha. The overall flavour balance favours the impression of juicy, resinous hops supported by a solid malt backbone." Okay, so my coworker Jay-Dawg and I both got bottles and quite by fluke, drank it on the same night.

Although a decent beer, I didn't find this
one quite up to par with the others as it was
just too thin and the hops MIA. It just didn't
meet the lofty expectations I had in advance.

When we swapped notes at work the following day, we decided the beer had a touch too much malt backbone and that the hops didn't carry through quite as much as we would have liked, despite being 60 IBUs. While it does use Centennial hops, it also incorporates the milder Nelson Sauvin and Pacific Gem hops. Perhaps some Galaxy or Cascade might have packed a little more hop punch?

That's said, we both really enjoyed the 7.1% smoky beer. "I thought it tasted great," Jay noted (as did I), "but after you described that Collective Arts one, I was expecting something else." And of course, he now eagerly wants to find the Collective Project before it runs out, as I assured him it leaned far heavier on the hops.

One I also thought was a winner was Tree Brewing's (Kelowna, BC) Hophead Black IPA. Though it lists its IBUs at a mid-boggling 161, it actually doesn't taste hoppier than the Collective Project. Using Summit, Perle, Golding, Centennial and Irish Moss hops (the last of which I've never heard of), the strong use of chocolate malts in the mix ensured you get both the toasty chocolate as well as hops on the tongue, which is the goal of this style. The 8% ABV isn't even vaguely discernible though the rich taste (making it a bit dangerous). Very nicely done, Tree from BC!

Flying Monkey's Netherworld Cascadian
Dark is backlit by a sexy-ugly lamp at Rib
Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington. Both
Jay and I thought the hops were a little too
completely muted in this one which is odd
because it's a Flying Monkeys' product...

I recently grabbed a Big Rig Brewing (Ottawa) Release The Hounds Black IPA with huge expectations. The reason for this is that it beat out both Nickel Brook's Malevolent and Bellwood's (Toronto) Grizzly Bear for American Black Ale at the 2014 Canadian Brewing Awards. I've already explained my love for Malevolent clearly but the Grizzly Beer was one I quite enjoyed during a 2014 birthday visit to Bellwoods. As Beer Bro Glenn and I left, I grabbed a mixed 12-pack that included two of these, two Wizard Wolf Pale Ales and well, eight Witchshark Imperial IPAs. I'll let you deduce my favourite but with a dozen different beers available at the retail outlet, if Grizzly made my take-home stash, it was damn good.

Okay, while I do congratulate Big Rig on its impressive win, I have also discovered I could never be a CBA judge because I don't believe this even belongs on the same table as either Malevolent or Grizzly. The nerd does not sit with the cool kids. Every teen movie tells us that. And while those two are rich, thick and delicious, the Release the Hounds was... not so much. It had a nice tan head and a decent smell of coffee but was somewhat thin on the tongue. Zero hops. Gonna guess this 6.2% offering was maybe somewhere in the 30-40 IBUs zone. It's a good beer (though not a great one like the other two) but as far as black IPAs go, this was a nice porter.

And finally, our good friends at Flying Monkey (Barrie) have an offering called Netherworlds Cascadian Dark Ale, which as noted earlier is a subsection for black IPAs.

Okay, something I had not considered
when I talked about whether or not
Molson's new Belgian Moon was actually
Rickard's White in disguise. Jay-Dawg
drank Rickard's White for years. So
maybe I should have just asked him???

As it turns out, Netherworlds is on one of two Flying Monkeys' taps at Rib Eye Jack so Jay and I both tried one during a recent visit. Again, wasn't getting much in the way of hops off this, which is surprising because I've long suspected the folks at Flying Monkeys add hops to their morning pot of coffee. They're hop goons. But it did have a lovely deep taste. "This is more porter than an IPA," I suggested. Jay noted, "Actually, the smell and taste is a lot like a dark lager to me." I suggested to Kylie that the IBUs in this must be incredibly low. "Higher than you think," she smiled. I checked - 35 IBUs. I wonder if she ever gets tired of being right all the time? That's a heavy crown to wear. Not that I'd know. That said, okay, not much of a black IPA but definitely one of the best ales I've had this year. (Side question to Flying Monkeys: Are you and Central City Brewing out of Surrey, BC ever doing your collaborative Red-On-Red Imperial Red Ale again? Only the best red I've ever had in my life and I would be ever so grateful. I have a crapload of Monopoly money here. It's all yours. I also have random buttons if that sweetens the deal. Lots of buttons.)

Well, that ends our black IPA portions of the evening (some polite golf applause if you would) but Jay-Dawg has a point he would like me to make. Since he's a bro and friend and other fist-bumping man crap, okay, I will. I wondered in this very space if Molson's new Belgian Moon was actually their Rickard's White, Canada's best-selling wheat. I really only drink German-style wheats so I was clueless. (Another heavy crown to wear.) Jay says no. He drank Rickard's White for years and he says the Rickard's product is mostly citrus-based while the Belgian Moon had orange overtones with a touch of coriander and other spices he doesn't know because he's a dude.

When New Zealand and Australia faced off in
cricket, my man, Neil, and his friend Anika
had a sign made up for Aussie batsman David
Warner. This turned into the funniest shitstorm
ever on social media, especially on Twitter...

Okay then, somewhat different beers. Good on you, Molson's.

Well, Neil Miller has been prominently featured in today's column so let's finish up with him. He and his friend Annika recently attended a cricket match (that's apparently a sport of some sort) featuring his beloved New Zealand against arch-rivals Australia. So he created a sign that said, "David Warner likes Nickelback" to diss the premier Aussie striker. Except Warner didn't get the joke because apparently, he is the one person in the universe who doesn't know who Nickelback is. But the sign got tons of media play. Indeed, Fox Sports down there said on-air, "That's harsh. That's really harsh." (Actually, all Neil wanted was for Warner to join him for a beer.) This lead to some "nasty" back-and-forth banter on Twitter between Warner and Miller that included sophisticated discussions of 1970s porn 'staches and Twitter followers. It was the funniest thing I have seen on Twitter in quite some time and got even crazier on Neil's Facebook. (Beer Bro Stevil St Evil and I happily joined in.) All I know is this. When I get down to New Zealand this year for some serious craft beer drinking, I am in the best of hands with Stevil and Neil. Kiwis might actually be funnier than Canadians. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! Until next time I remain...

... and then there were eight

Alex and Hannah were controlling the Barnstormer
Brewing (Barrie) booth. Hannah actually remembered
me from Rib Eye Jack's Beer Fest back in October.
I'd be flattered but usually, it's for the wrong reasons
like: Aren't you that guy who tripped over his shadow?

A funny thing happened on the way into the Burlington Winter Beer Fest at the Holiday Inn on January 30. I became the eighth person in a party of eight, not one of whom I actually knew. As I wandered to the ticket counter, a woman turned to me and said, "Are you with anyone?" Nope, I told her, I was waiting on friends who were showing up later. (In some cultures - notably mine - that's called The Pre-Drink.) "Okay," she said to the ticket lady, "He's our eighth."

I guess they had gotten some sort of group discount and the eighth soldier was a no-show. Next thing I knew, someone was slapping a yellow wrist-band on me and I was in for free, courtesy of a group of strangers. Gotta be honest, I liked the way the evening was shaping up and it hadn't even begun. I joined my Party of Eight at their table several times through the evening as we swapped stories on Must-Try Beers. I have noticed that Beer Festivals might be the only situation in the world where you will happily take advice from people you don't really know.

So still flying solo at this point, it was time to check the turf and map out my drinking strategy. That was easier said than done as the Beer Fest was spread over two conference rooms to accommodate the 24 craft brewers, five wineries and four cider houses.

A volunteer at the 20 Valley Brewing booth, soon to be
fully-functional in St Catharines. In an earlier chance
 hallway meeting, brewer Ben told us to expect at least
three or four new beers from them coming by this May.

Granted, you can neither accurately scope out a Beer Fest nor map out an effective booth attack plan with an empty glass because, well, it's a Beer Festival and that pretty much has the word "festive" built in. Those who know me well will confirm that while I am somewhat sketchy, it's in a festive way. That meant going for known beers while I plotted out the plan of attack. In my case, that meant starting with Collective Arts' Collective Project Black IPA (more on this dusky gemstone next time) and Barnstormer Brewing's (Barrie) Flight Delay IPA, one of my favourites for quite some time now.

While wandering the hallway between the two conference rooms, I stumbled (not literally - too early for that) upon Ben Meisner, brewer at 20 Valley Brewing, near to setting up shop in St Catharines now, but presently contracting through a Niagara Falls brew-pub. While the brewery only makes their Shipman's Corner Cream Ale now (not my favourite style but this has a nice tang to it), Ben promised more fresh brews on the horizon soon."In the next couple of weeks, we'll be looking at an Irish Red or an English Bitter (ESB). We haven't decided yet between the two.

This would be Phil and Andrew from Brock Street
Brewing out of Whitby. If you could beat either on
their 30-inch ping-pong table on the lower left, you
could win some freebies. Watched about 15 people
try. No one did. I didn't even try. I know when I'm
in over my head. But they make a damn fine red ale.

We'll obviously do the staples like stouts, IPAs but we've got a Hefe Weisse (German wheat) in the works, we've got a Munich Dunkel (dark lager). We want to be creative with everything but it takes time to do that kind of thing. I wanna say by at least by May 1st, we'll have another three or four beers ready." An online map tells me the driving time between my place and the soon-to-be-built brewery on St. Paul Street West in St. Catharines is 47 minutes. Bet I can do it in 35... (OPP officer reading this: "Go for it, punk.")

Okay, at every beer fest, there's always several breweries whose tables are manned by young turks, who seem to be having the time of their lives. The one I remember best was the Brock St. Brewing table. Chatty and friendly, Phil and Andrew brought their own 30-inch mini-pong table so the brewery's happy volunteers could take on all comers. They may have lost a challenge or two but I never saw it. They owned that little table. Being as they're local to Beer Bro Glenn (he's in Oshawa; they're in Whitby), I've been following these guys on social media since they started in 2015 but never had their beer. It would be the beginning of many red/amber ales for me on this night. Said Andrew, director of sales: "Right now, you're drinking our Traditional Irish Red and I like to call it the backyard barbeque beer because reds go well with red meat."

Damion, who opened Orange Snail Brewers with his
buddy Kevin in Milton last year, holds up their (well,
actually, my) Rattle 'n' Nemo (non-traditional) Amber
Ale. Around less than a year, watch out for these guys.

He continued: "So the story of our red is that our brewmaster Eric decided there was a mistranslation or generation gap from red to red (ales over the years.) His father used to drink it, his father's father used to drink it and we really didn't have a big red in our (Durham Region) market. So what we wanted to do was recreate a malt-forward red that's got a bit of that smoky aroma, a bit of that caramel. So it's a big hearty beer on the palate. It's got a medium to full body. Not a beer that I wanna have 50 of but definitely when I'm relaxing, I'll have two or three. I hope you enjoy it."

Indeed, I did. The 5.8% ale had the promised hint of caramel to go with a meaty, malty fruit-tinged backbone. Damn solid outing. Glenn, go buy many of these bad boys! But remember, bro, Andrew says it's best to stop at 49. (What? That's how I interpreted his words.)

Next on deck was Orange Snail Brewers, created by Milton residents Damion and Kevin about a year ago. The pair are old university buddies who had 16 years brewing experience and decided to bring craft beer to Milton, a rapidly-growing community just north of me.

Thomas from The 3 Brewers or Les 3 Brasseurs, as
they're known in Quebec, have 19 brew-pubs spread
out between Ontario and Quebec.  But after I posted
this picture of Thomas on Twitter, the group quickly
contacted me to locate their nearest brewpubs to me.

While their day jobs are cop and engineer, the night-time and off-time is their brew time and the boys came out fast out of the gate as their Rattle 'n' Nemo (Non-Traditional) Amber Ale snagged a silver medal at the 2015 Ontario Brewing Awards, just a few months into their existence. Asked how they're enjoying their tenure as brewers, Damion smiled, "It's great. The people in the (craft beer) industry are really supportive and it's just great meeting all these (brewers) here today." But we were interrupted by fest-goer Craig who happily told me, "This (their 16 Jasper IPA) is the best IPA here!" Being as there were a lot of really great IPAs under the roof that night,  I asked him why he thought that. "Because I've had all the others here and this one is the best!"

High praise, indeed, but I had my eye on that award-winning Rattle 'n' Nemo. Okay, the non-traditional part of this amber became obvious as the graininess was immediately apparent on the nose and tongue. Pouring red with a tan head, there was zero of the usual caramel essence  but instead, an interesting malt and grain combo, especially for a red. Very tasty but this one bears further investigation - the kind that can only come from a brewery visit. I also very much enjoyed their 16 Jasper IPA, which I would call pretty damn good but maybe not "the best IPA here."

Johnny from Outlaw Brew Company, located up in
Southampton, Ontario, holds up a Bronco Amber
Ale. This night would definitely be an amber/red
ale night for me. Again, another really nice one!

At 6% and 70 IBUs (international bitterness units), it carries a nice punch using Cascade, Centennial and Comet hops and I enjoyed it but like I said, there were a lot of great IPAs between the two rooms. And the Rattle 'n' Nemo captured more attention from me on this night.

The next booth, The 3 Brewers or Les 3 Brasseurs as they're known in Quebec are a different kettle of fish altogether. They're not a brewery at all but rather a large string of brew-pubs. As Thomas at their booth explained to me, "We have five in the GTA - one in Oakville, one in Mississauga, one in Richmond Hill and two downtown Toronto. We have two in Ottawa and about a dozen in Quebec between Montreal and Quebec City. They're all brew-pubs, all the beer on tap is made in-house, We have five core brands with one rotating seasonal. Each pub has one beer called the Neighbourhood Beer that's different from the other ones so you'd have to go to all the locations to try all the beers." As a lover of the style, I naturally wanted to know the name of their IPA. Thomas laughed and said, "IPA." That's it - IPA. Guys, you own a bunch of restaurants! Get a graphic designer and a marketer to give your IPA a name - something like Hop Intuit or Hopposites Attract or The Hoptometrist! (Or even just Lame Hop Pun IPA.)

Lee and Matt from Elora Brewing hold up their product
at the Beer Festival. Like everyone else, you've read about 
in here, meeting this brewery was a first for me and they
were pretty cool guys. I think Lee's doing Blue Steel here

But there was some interesting interaction with 3 Brewers after the Beer Fest when I posted Thomas' smiling face on Twitter. Near instantly, they responded, asking which location was closest to me. Either Oakville or Mississauga, I suggested. Again, within minutes, a return Tweet - "You'll find Thomas at Winston Churchill and the QEW (in Oakville)! Or go see Justin at 5860 Mavis Road (in Mississauga)!" Sounds like a field trip to me! But not like a dull one to a museum where, well, you learn stuff to better yourself as a person. I accept my limitations. My personal growth stopped roughly the same time I started paying taxes. So decades ago and I'm pretty sure the two are connected. Damn government.

Next on deck was Johnny from Outlaw Brew Company from tiny Southampton, Ontario. And, of course, Johnny would have yet another amber/red ale for me - turned out that was kind of a theme for my evening - their Bronco Amber Ale. So I says to him, hey Johnny, why dontcha tell me about that Bronco and by gawd, he did.  "Bronco's our flagship, 5.6%, and it's a hearty beer layered in caramel."

Attending his first ever Beer Festival was this beard,
Draught Dodger owner and head bad-ass Matt Di Iorio,
who brought his biggest gun, the Brewzer Red IPA,
which clocks in at 6.5% and 73 IBUs.  He told me he
was contract-brewing out of Stratford Brewing right
now "but we do a few fun seasonals like a gingerbread
ale and a chocolate stout." He's been home-brewing for
over 10 years "which made me popular in university."

Indeed, it was. Nice malt backbone, good weight, another winner. Oddly, the one I thought I had to try was their 2 Moon Junction, a blueberry Belgian wheat. Why? Just to say I did and sometimes, these fruit wheats you think you'll hate actually surprise you. Turns out I wasn't the only one with that idea. It was sold out on Saturday night. Wha...? Johnny smiled, "The blueberry wheat was our biggest pour this weekend - it's subtle wheat with fresh blueberries used in it." And here I was all set to hate it but too many people ahead of me actually really liked it. Well... swear words! There must be a way I can blame the government for that, too.

Tried a couple of pours from Elora Brewing at the suggestion of booth brothers Lee and Matt. First on deck was their Lady Friend IPA, which weighs in at a solid 6% but just 50 IBUs. "We use Columbus hops in the boil and then finished with New Zealand hops - Pacific Jade, Southern Cross and Wakatu," said Lee. Not bad, a session one, I'd say but a bit light for my IPA tastes. But I was stunned by their Three Fields Unfiltered Triple Grain Lager. My only lager of the night, this 5% concoction was as hazy as hell, even grainier and well, really tasty. Colour me impressed. I asked him how business was in Elora and he noted, "Fantastic. We are getting a lot of community support up there. Things are going really well for us." I swear, I will never tire of hearing that.

My favourite beer technician (technically my only beer
technician but still favourite) Kylie hoists a pint with
Shayn Sawchuk, the GTA sales rep for Waterloo's
Innocente Brewing. As it turns out, Shayn is now
taking brewing courses so I'm pretty happy for him.

Eventually, my craft beer loving friends caught up to me - first the lovely Kylie, my favourite beer technician at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House and eventually her GM, the decent enough but considerably-less-lovely Steve. Kylie and I were separated a few times (I tend to wander, both with and without wobbly pops in me) but always kept reconnecting and had some fun, talking to the folks from the breweries.

One of my favourite parts was touching base with Shayn Sawchuk, the GTA sales rep for Waterloo's Innocente Brewing, who told us he was taking brewing courses himself. I met him at Rib Eye Jack's Beer Fest back in October and like this dude enough that I have 17 different names for his first IPA, all of them horrible hop puns. That said, I'd totally drink his Hoptimal Damage Imperial IPA. Don't worry, I have more. (Okay, now worry.)

But since it's the Burlington Beer Festival, the final word has to go to Downtown Wayne Brown, who, with co-organizer Scott Robinson and their merry band of volunteers cranked out the best-attended fest to date. "The turn-out last night was fantastic," he told me on Saturday. "It as a fun crowd, everyone was having a good time, there were no problems whatsoever." And Saturday itself? "It's a repeat. All ages are represented, all dress codes, all colours of hair and that's only the men." So you know, he was looking right at me when he said "dress code." Hey, if a beer festival isn't the hopportune time to wear my Behemoth Brewing "If you don't love hops, the terrorists win" T-shirt (dutifully care-packaged to me from New Zealand by Beer Bro Stevil St Evil), then I don't know when a proper time is. (It's true. I don't.) But again, great job, crew - we all had a blast. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here. Until next time, I remain...

More labels, more names, more beer

Is that beer spraying out of the bottle on the
Rainhard Brewing's Kapow! IPA label? No,
it's, it's... good lord, that's flames!!! That's a
Molotov Cocktail!!! Run, people, run away!!!

When we last talked, it was about the creative and fun labels that Great Lakes Brewing in Etobicoke are sporting. And since we're already on the subject, let's keep talking labels for a while longer then, shall we? (You have little choice - this column is run by the autocracy of me! But to my credit, I do try to be a benevolent dictator. Bring me craft beer, I'll spare your life. No Bud Light, thank you.)

Well, someone that did bring me some craft beer recently was Steve, the general manager of Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington. He was doing one of his keg and bottle runs into Toronto for the bar and knowing he would be stopping at Rainhard's Brewing, a personal favourite of mine, he asked me if I wanted anything, as they're a brewery retail outlet only. I suggested any new releases they had that I could review here but if not, their Kapow! IPA and Armed 'N' Citra Pale Ale are always welcome at Donny's Bar and Grill.

He returned with both but I noticed something different about the bottle of Kapow! It had a proper label. The last time I got one, it had just the Rainhard logo on the bottle with the Kapow! name and description on a roped dog-tag. Indeed, the brewery's previous actual labels were very simple in themselves - brewery logo in the middle, beer name up top, beer style and info along the bottom. I never really thought too much about it because I am neither an artist nor a graphic designer. If the beer's good, the label could be a giant X for all I care.

According to Steve, Rainhard Brewing founder and brewer
Jordan Rainhard and his wife Katie, are "two of the nicest
people I've ever met." But in fairness, keep in mind that
Steve probably meets a lot of people like me so it's tough

On the Kapow! label you can see a hand hoisting up the beer. But what was that, coming out of the bottle? Beer froth from a drinker that got... over-excited? So we took it under a brighter light and had a look. It took a second of guessing before we realized the imagery was that of a Molotov Cocktail. "I always thought it was like a *kapow* to the tastebuds," mused Steve, who hadn't considered an incendiary device. Well, because we have far too much time on our hands, we started thinking about some of the brewery's other "threatening" names. A pale ale named Armed 'N Citra - is this beer packing heat? A barrel-aged sour ale called Horseshoes and Hand Grenades - the only two items in the world where being close is close enough. An imperial IPA called Refuge - a place you would seek shelter if threatened or endangered. And IPA called The Ancedote - something you'd need if poisoned. And let's not forget their Imperial IPA called Asystole - the word for when your heart flat-lines.

So, of course, I had to ask Steve what the hell is going on at that brewery? Some sort of rebel revolution? Dissidents ready to stir up anarchy? A Guy Fawkes faction-in-the-making?

This is what Rainhard Brewing's labels were
traditionally like - beer name, logo and then
beer description at the bottom. Kapow! is the
first label that I've seen with a design upgrade.

Steve laughed out loud. Well, no, the best even a top-flight comedian could get from Steve is a bemused chuckle. I got one of those. He assured me that Rainhard Brewing founder/brewer Jordan Rainhard and his wife, Katie were the salt-of-the-earth, fun-loving, easy-going, happy-to-be-brewing kind of folks. And in their brewing stable are much softer names, such as Setting Sun and Hearts Collide so there's that, too. But mark my words, Rainhard Brewing, I will be watching your beer names very carefully. If I see more labels insinuating any sort of wrong-doing, I will be... knocking on the door to see if I can join the club. You've been warned. I'll bring beer.

In related news, coworker Jay-Dawg and I split that bottle of Armed 'N Citra as he is our store's huge pale ale guy. His verdict? "This is amazing!" So much the same as mine back in the Summer.

In unrelated news, I met a couple of reps from Muskoka Brewing not long ago at my Beer Store, who were popping in to restock us with their popular Craft Lager as we had run out. This is the first time I had ever met a Muskoka rep outside of Beer Fests because the bigger craft companies' (such as Flying Monkeys, Collective Arts, Wellington) beer traditionally comes to us every second Monday from our own Brampton Beer Store warehouse. Once we met, it was time to talk shop. Craft beer shop.

Take some Muskoka Winter Beard Double
Chocolate Cranberry Stout and age it for a
year in a bourbon barrel and what do you get?
You get a Stout Stiffie, that's what you get. Oh
 yes and that's curling on TV in the background. 
Welcome to Canada. We like to sweep ice here.

They told me that the brewers had created a special batch of their seasonal Winter Beard Imperial Stout (previously reviewed and highly recommended here) but that this particular batch was bourbon-barrel-aged and being sold in traditional 355-ml (12 ounce) bottles. They added a two-four of this would run you just north of $80 but it's 9%, been aged for a year and frankly, bourbon barrels don't just land at a brewery's doorstep for free, right? Pricey but worth it. Also, I'll happily spend $40 on a party pizza but won't go higher than $15 for a top-quality dress shirt because... priorities. I asked them the name of this elixir of the gods but the poor guys - it was on the tip of their tongues but they were both drawing blanks. They shouldn't feel badly. Within 17 seconds of being introduced, I had forgotten their names, too so in my head, they simply became Left Guy and Right Guy. (But they remembered mine so when they left, it was "See you, Don" and I was all "See you... uh, dudes.")

Well, turn out Rib Eye Steve knew the beer's name was Winter Jack, partially due to the fact his bar was stocking it. Which made it ridiculously easy for me to stalk it. Because it's a goosed-up Winter Beard, that means it's a double chocolate cranberry stout. Now while you could detect a light note of cranberry in the Winter Beard, I thought the bourbon barrel aging of the Winter Jack virtually knocked the fruit essence out. Steve could still taste it; I couldn't.

Now is Belgian Moon, made by Molson's,
actually Rickard's White, our country's
biggest-selling wheat? Well, here's the
thing. I couldn't tell. Damn those Belgian-
style wheat. They all taste the same to me!

(As well as being a beer expert, Steve is a wine sommelier. His tastes are very refined. My palate in a nutshell? Pizza and craft beer? Good. Vegetables? Satan's harvest.) However, what's been added makes this 9% booze-blast very freakin' tasty! Bourbon and chocolate on both the nose and tongue, the smoothness and tingle of the bourbon lingers for a while. So, in essence, Muskoka has found a way to take something excellent - Winter Beard - and make it even better. The Muskoka brewers get the full 1980s teen movie slow clap for this one.

Recently, Jay-Dawg and I brought a special guest to Rib Eye Jack's - my Beer Store daughter Katie. Now Katie was actually my daughter long before I got her a job at the Beer Store as I dated her best friend's Mom almost a decade ago. Katie was a constant and chatty presence in that house and we have been tight ever since. As well as seeing each other at work, she sends me texts on all the big days - birthdays, Christmas and, yes, especially Father's Day. She has two favourite things to say to me. The first is "I love you, Pops", which is, of course, very sweet and endearing. The second, always yelled at high volume, is "Stop flirting, old man! So gross!" whenever she sees me talking to a pretty customer. Less endearing. The parent is supposed to embarrass the child. She has turned the tables on me.

So now, my little girl who favours Miller Genuine Draft, is in a restaurant that has the best craft beer selection in all of Burlington. What to drink?

I always give credit where credit is due
and Budweiser did it right at Christmas.
My Facebook was littered with pictures
of Ugly Christmas Sweater Parties over
the holidays. The problem is, who wants
to shell out $50-60 for a butt-ugly sweater
you'll only wear once? So Labatt made it
easy by putting a free "Festive T-Shirt"
in each case of Bud. It was suitably ugly!

Well, she started with a Heineken, which is a small step up from MGD but before long, my favourite beer technician, the lovely Kylie stepped in and suggested wheats, a mild Summer style that's not gonna kill a mainstream beer drinker. So first, Katie tried a Belgian Moon, the new offering from Molson's and then a Blanche Du Chambly, another wheat from outstanding Quebec brewery, Unibroue. Well, Katie loved them both so I think we can steer her onto new and better beers safely.

While there, she talked nursing with Kylie, who's a RN taking updated courses while my little girl is still in school. Jay and Kylie talked quitting smoking - my beer tech has a two-month head-start so she's the perfect person to encourage Jay. And Kylie and I discussed... can't remember but beer would be a solid guess. We had a great time. Katie declared Rib Eye Jack's to be "so chill" and Kylie as "so smart and cool." If that's not a perfect review on Yelp, I don't know what is.

But I had forgotten that Rib Eye Jack's recently got Belgian Moon on tap and I have been long promising to compare it to Rickard's White, the biggest-selling wheat in Canada, as both are made by Molson's. However, as always in my life, there was a catch. Belgian Moon is only available on tap at this point. Rickard's White? In bottles and cans at every Beer Store but seldom on tap. Obviously, this couldn't be a side-by-side comparison. So I had to improvise by buying a Rickard's White, drinking it out of a coffee traveller mug in the parking lot of the bowling alley next to Rib Eye Jack's (because what I was doing is very much illegal) and then walked over a big snowbank into the bar and told Kylie I needed to try a half of Belgian Moon. "No, you don't," was her learned reply.

Actually, it's not really a shameless plug as once
again I am reminding you that the Burlington
Winter Beer Festival at the Holiday Inn (North
Service Road, just east of Guelph Line) will be held
on January 29-30. We're talking 23 craft breweries,
five wineries and four cider houses under one roof,
sheltered from the bitter cold. You really can't lose.

So are they the same beer or are they different? Well, here's the thing - I don't know. Belgian wheats pretty much all taste the same to me - touch of orange, very light. The far superior German wheats are distinctly unique from one another. Certainly, it's a decent wheat as is Rickard's White, my brother's favourite beer when he visits Canada from Valencia, Spain. Whether it's a different beer is almost irrelevant. It will be popular and big gun Molson has a craft-style beer on taps.

Okay, people, listen up! The second annual Burlington Winter Beer Festival is upon us and it's coming this Friday and Saturday, January 29-30. There's 23 great craft breweries there, as well as five wineries and four cider houses, all for just $20! You can't get a better deal than that! "Downtown" Wayne Brown and his team of craft-loving fools always do these Beer Fests very right so dammit, be there! (I'll link to the tickets at the end.) Gonna be wild, gonna be crazy, gonna be the Festrunk Brothers but with beer! Just do it!

Last column, I talked about the awesome labels created for Great Lakes Brewing in Etobicoke by the talented team of artist Garnett Gerry and their graphics designer Fabian Skidmore. Quite a talented pair.

Turns out once you get past the overwhelming shyness
of Great Lake Brewery's Graphic Designer Fabian
Skidmore, he really comes out of his shell. Or if you
prefer another approach, hand him a beer. Also works. 

The problem is I concentrated completely on artist Garnett, which underscores Fabian's importance in the process. He's the brewery's King Graphic Designer, the number one gun, you name it. I talked to him on Twitter, explaining that Garnett had been evasive on whether or not he was also Batman. Fabian told me that not only does he have some seriously sweet gadgets, he also has a cave-like cellar underneath the Only Cafe in Toronto where he's the manager. Thus we surmised that Fabian must be the Batman while Garnett was the Robin of the Dynamic Duo. (Sorry, dude.) I stopped short of asking Fabian how the Winter driving was going now that we've had a taste of snow because I seriously didn't want to hear, "Well, I skid more."

So this column is dedicated to Fabian and all the other passionate GLB brew crew as I raise my glass of Great Lakes... *looks at label*... oh, um, Collective Arts' Ransack the Universe IPA to him and his Batcave and his cool gadgets. Also to the less passionate GLB workers. That's right, Todd, you slack-ass bastard, we're all looking at you. (If there actually is a Todd there, I just made the poor guy's life a living hell.) So guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here. Back in a few days with a look at colourblindness and how it relates to Black IPAs versus White IPAs. (Spoiler alert: it doesn't. Not even a little.) And tickets to that Burlington Beer Festival can be found right: HERE, CRAFT BEER LOVERS! Until a few days from now, I remain...

The art wizardry of Great Lakes' labels

The man behind all those kick-ass Great Lakes
Brewing labels is artist Garnett Gerry, who in
tandem with the GLB graphic designer gave the
Toronto brewery's beers some real creativity
 to go along with their brews' outstanding taste. 
Also he is sporting a righteous Beard to 'Stache
 ratio so 100 points to Gryffindor for that alone.

Harken back, if you will, to the year 1989. A kinder, gentler time where Mr Mom (Michael Keaton) could play Batman and where Jack Nicholson could be the Joker. At a certain point in the movie, Batman and the luscious Vicky Vale escape the clutches of the evil villain through the use of a Bat Grappling Hook aimed upwards at a conveniently-open skylight, thus leaving the Joker flat-footed to ponder, "Where does he get those wonderful toys?"

I bring this up for two reasons. Reason #1) I'm not saying I'm Batman... but I sometimes sign my credit card receipts using that name. And Reason #2), Every time I see a Great Lakes Brewing product, I found myself pondering, "Who draws these wonderful labels?"

I found out not long after I wrote my "Best of 2015" column and included GLB's Maniacal Hopshop IPA as the Best Label of the Year. (The brewery's Octopus Wants To Fight won the Best IPA, though Maniacal was in the mix.)

A kindly dude on Twitter named Josh read my "Best Of" piece and tweeted, "Hey, just wanted to let you know that the very talented @garnettgerry does the artwork for @GreatLakesBeer." Okay, cool, now I had a name. A simple matter of Google, Twitter and Facebook navigation would give me the story of the man behind those cool labels.

Garnett's sketchpad drawing of the Great Lake's
Maniacal Hopshop IPA label gives you a sense
of his eye for detail and awesome cartoon style.

And I found it easily - an exceptionally well-written NOW magazine story from July 2014 penned by their gifted spirits columnist Sarah Parniak told the story of how Garnett hooked up with Great Lakes. (Part two of the same story was how Collective Arts use different artwork on every label, given their strong connection to the art and music community. They must literally have hundreds of different ones because I've had tons of Rhyme & Reason Extra Pale Ale, Ransack The Universe IPA and State of Mind Session IPA and have never come across the same label twice. Could be a fluke but...)

But Parniak's story tells of how GLB's graphic designer Fabian Skidmore was doing a day shift as the manager at Toronto watering hole, the Only Cafe. Skidmore had been long hoping to rebrand the GLB beers, feeling the product inside the bottles had far surpassed the labeling on the outside. He mentioned his marketing mission to Garnett, an Only regular "seldom seen without his sketchpad." One day later, Garnett showed back up with a healthy handful of sketches for GLB's various products. *Bam!* went the universe and Garnett's work has appeared on most of GLB's products since.

This one always cracks me up. An uppercrust
British man, nose in the air, for their Pompous
Ass English Pale Ale in a proper tulip glass...

In Parniak's piece, it told of how (at least in the Summer of 2014) the GLB team of Skidmore, Sales and Community Manager Troy Burtch and GLB's Sales Rep and Branding David Bieman all used to get together over pints to try brewmaster Mike Lackey's beers and then after much deliberation (and let's assume, many pints because that's how the creative process works) come up with a name for their new beers. That name was fed to Garnett who then went to work with his sketchpad. More often than not, the artist nailed it on the first go-round.

Two Winters ago - so 2014, not long after the article - I was messaging my young friend, Mel, the Toronto Craft Beer Queen and we were raving over the very cool painted label on the Great Lake's 650-ml (22 ounces) bottle of Lake Effects IPA, as well as the dynamite beer, which has quickly become my coworker Jay-Dawg's new favourite. What Mel and I didn't know at that time was that it was a Garnett first try that hit a home run and by that I mean, Toronto Blue Jay bat-hammer Jose Bautista-style.

Asked to pick his favourite GLB label thus far,
Garnett Gerry went with the Saison Dupump,
a pumpkin-flavoured saison. Okay, cool choice.

And even back in 2014, Garnett was getting stopped by fans in the Toronto streets. It totally blew him away. "This is something I do half-naked and drunk in my room," he jokingly told Parniak. I can scarcely imagine the reception he gets now, two years further in, with dozens of GLB labels under his graphite-stained belt.

But the artist, who hasn't even reached 30 yet, is likely to just get better and even more prominent on the Toronto arts landscape, whether it be GLB or outside work. He told Parniak, "Drawing was always something I did that mellowed me out." Apparently, he never even realized how good he was until his friends repeatedly pointed it out to him. (I love that.)

So through the magic of Facebook messaging, I tracked this gifted artist down and asked for a bit of personal background. And I got it. (To paraphrase the Joker, where were these wonderful search engine tools when I was a working journalist/editor for 25 years?)

Garnett told me he was born and raised in Windsor but when he was 19 years old, he moved to London to attend Fanshawe College "in prospects for being an actor." Okay, so the one job in Canada that pays even less than being an artist or writing a beer column. Gotcha. He now works in Toronto construction, "building high-rise condos Monday through Friday."

Garnett's label for The Imperial Bout, an
Imperial Vanilla Bean Coffee Stout for
GLB won raves from Stevil St Evil in New
Zealand. "Cool label!" he crowed. I had
the beer. Geez, it's as good the label! Now I
knew that was a coffee bean on the right but
I had NO idea how vanilla is grown. Turns
out it's vanilla orchids that grow on vines...

 Are there any on the lake? Sorry, bad Toronto joke there.

"(But it's) on my lunch break, after work or any free time at all, I'm drawing for GLB or just for shits and giggles." (Warning: I have had the Shits and Giggles - it's not nearly as fun as it sounds.)

But then, I went for the Sophie's Choice of all hard questions for an artist to answer. Actually, make that toughest one by far for any artist to answer. "Which GLB label that you've drawn is your favourite so far?" The Sophie's Choice aspect is it's a lot like saying, "Which label will you save and which labels will you hand over to the Nazis?" Okay, maybe a little less dramatic and Meryl Streepy than that but still a tough call for any artist to make.

While Garnett was likely reluctant, he did answer, "My favourite (label) is tough to say but maybe Saison Dupump." Okay, that label was another first draft accepted on the spot by GLB back in '14. But he had no problem naming his favourite GLB beer to drink: Thrust: An IPA, for which he also did the label. Okay, good damn choice there! It was one of my four finalists for IPA Of The Year... along with three other Great Lakes' IPAs so they were kind of a lock.

Beyond doing the GLB labels, he told me, "I have shown and sold paintings and wood burnings all over Ontario and some have ended up in other countries like Ireland." (My Irish Wexford County roots are smiling... Garnett is like one of us! But probably less drinky and punchy and Northern Ireland car bomby.)

Garnett's label for Swamp Juice, a concoction
the brewery creates for bar taps. The beer is
always a mixture of three GLB brews but as
the anchor every time is their Canuck Pale Ale

For my money, the biggest test of Garnett's skills thus far was the rebranding of the Canuck Pale Ale label more than a year ago. Previously called Crazy Canuck Pale Ale, it is the brewery's anchor beer. However, the former label was a mish-mash of Canadian iconic and somewhat cliche imagery that included a loon, a toque and many, many maple leaves. It wasn't a bad label, mind you, just a busy one. It certainly jumped out on the LCBO shelves, which is, of course, what marketers strive for.

So Garnett got the call for something new and in return, he dipped into his artistic well for something old - Gordie Levesque, a lumberjack that he had been doodling for years. Yes, still a Canadian cliche but one that gave the cans a cleaner look and, in turn, created a new character for the brewery that already had Garnett-created characters such as Harry Porter, Audrey Hopburn and Robohop. Because the marketing squad infuses tons of humour on the back of their labels in an effort to match the imagery on the front, the Harry Porter and the Bourbon-Soaked Vanilla Bean threw this plea on the back of the label. "To Whom It May Concern: Please don't sue us! Cheers! ~ Team GLB." On the front is a very Dumbledore-looking character stirring a cauldron. (Spoiler Alert: Professor Snape kills him but according to my young son, "It's not Snape's fault.")

In order to rebrand their signature pale ale, GLB
called upon Garnett who created rugged lumberjack
Gordie Levesque earlier but repurposed him for the
new GLB Canuck Pale Ale cans. We like Gordie...

Okay, we'll get back to Garnett in a minute but let's look at some of GLB's latest suds and give them a shout-out too. For Christmas, my buddy, Rib Eye Jack's Ale House's general manager Steve gave me a couple of Life Sentences Triple IPA (a truly fantastic collaboration between GLB and Amsterdam Brewing that I had gushed over in this space several times like a British school-girl meeting One Direction) but he also tossed The Imperial Bout, an Imperial Vanilla Bean Coffee Stout into the gift-bag. I had it yesterday and good gawd, was it dynamite. This 11.9%, 60 IBU (international bitterness units) blockbuster was hugely vanilla on the nose, richly coffee and bittersweet chocolate on the tongue. Pouring with a dark mocha head, the hoppiness is pretty much muted by the rich taste in the beer. You do not start with this beer. You finish with this beer because it will likely finish you first. Granted, I had to chip away at the wax over the cap for about 10 minutes before I could even open it. I think Beer Bro Glenn had the same issue. Ease up on the crockpot wax, guys - it's classy and all but you're not sending a sealed royal decree to King Arthur here. From there, let's look at GLB's Winter Ale, the spiced seasonal classic cranked out by the brewery.

When GLB put the call out on Twitter for their fans to
show their dedication to the brewery, GLB fan Cecilia
McKnight send them a pic of her Karma Citra IPA
tattoo, another Garnett classic.  I will say this for the
young artist, his work is turning up in very cool places.

Despite having two bottles of it in the fridge at Donny's Bar and Grill, my first taste was actually off the GLB tap at Rib Eye Jack's where it's holding the brewery's place until Swamp Juice #21 arrives. The dark brew has some lovely spices on the nose and tongue but I couldn't tell which. That's probably due to my spice proficiency being limited to salt, pepper, garlic salt, onion salt and steak seasoning. Go beyond that and I'm screwed. Turns out, according to the commercial description, it's cinnamon and ginger with a touch of honey (didn't get that at all) and orange peel. Knowing this when I opened the bottle at home, I could sense them a little better. Not nearly as heavy as The Imperial Bout, this 6.2% ale certainly has its charms. Beyond the spices, there is a caramel backbone to this beer. Now granted, we are a little eager to go through the 20-litre (5.28 US gallons) keg as quickly as possible at Rib Eye Jack's. Why? Because Steve collected a Swamp Juice #21 late last week and this time, it's a mixture of Canuck, Lake Effects and, be still, my heart, Life Sentence IIIPA. Although it will be extremely difficult to top Swamp Juice #19 that combined Canuck, Lake Effects and Thrust, anticipate a "best Swamp Juice ever!" story in this space soon. I gotta keg of Winter Ale to drain first, single-handedly if I must. (Not exactly torture as it's a damn tasty ale.)

Garnett Gerry poses with GLB Graphic Designer
Fabian Skidmore for that July 2014 piece in NOW
magazine, skillfully penned by Sarah Parniak.

But I'm gonna leave the final word on Garnett to writer Sarah Parniak since I've already liberally poached from her piece (in rap, that's called "sampling") and frankly, she says it better and far more eloquently than I could. Wrote Sarah: "GLB's beers run the gamut of styles but playfulness is the common ingredient in all its label art. Gerry helps bring the beers to life, giving them faces, personalities and, most importantly, a sense of humour." Amen, sistah! I would have just said that he is the best beer label artist in this country and that I worship at his cartoon beer label altar. Her prose is better.

Okay, folks, just 11 days before the Burlington Winter Beer Fest at the Burlington Holiday Inn on January 29-30. I'll be bringing a sharpie on the Saturday to sign the casts of the feet I trample on and break to get to the breweries first on Friday. (It's a service I provide.) There's 23 great craft breweries there, as well as five wineries and four cider houses, all for just $20!! Wayne Brown and his merry gang of outlaws had been working hard on this baby, which will warm of the coldest of appendages now that Winter has come to Westeros... and, by extension, Burlington. You can find your online tickets right at: This Link Here!!! But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! Until next time, I remain...

Taking the chill out of Winter

"Resistance is futile," warned Seven of Nine in
Star Trek: Voyager. Okay, here's a real quick
question, Seven. Who the hell is resisting you?

"Change is the only constant in life." The man who first spoke those prophetic words was Heraclitus of Ephesus, a Greek philosopher who lived from 535 BC to 475 BC. And if the last 2,500 years have been any indication, good ol' Heraclitus was on the money. Also, please stop laughing at his name and no, I have no idea if that was named after him, though it's most unlikely... as he was a dude.

Think you can stop change? Then let me drop another truth bomb on you. "Resistance is futile!" That was uttered more recently (well, actually in the future) by The Borg, a fictional alien race first introduced in Star Trek: The Next Generation. The Borg were various species that had been turned into cybernetic organisms, functioning as drones in a large joined mind known as the Collective. So basically, they were bad guy sorta robots all linked into one big-ass brain. They were nasty enough antagonists, I suppose, even assimilating Captain Jean Luc Picard at one point, dastardly robot cult that they were. But there were other bad guys far more interesting. It wasn't until Star Trek: Voyager came along and we were introduced to the alluring Seven of Nine that we fan-boys sat up slack-jawed and yelled in unison. "Okay, we're onboard with The Borg! All hail The Borg! Love us some Borgs!"

The Dynamic Duo! Wayne Brown, left, and Scott Robinson are
the co-organizers of ALL of the Burlington Beer Festivals so
far - number four is coming up fast! Asked how they keep their
boyish good looks, the pair simply shrugged and said, "Beer!"

Now what does ancient Greek or future Borg philosophy have to do with the Burlington Beer Festival? (That is, aside from the fact a geek buddy bet me I couldn't work a picture of Seven of Nine into a beer blog? Was it seamless? No. Do I win a six of Mad Tom IPA? I'd better.) Anyway, change has come. It was inevitable. And yes, resistance is futile. Let's start with the upcoming Winter Beer Festival on January 29-30, which has shifted from the Waterfront Hotel at the foot of Brant Street and Lakeshore (right next to Spencer Smith Park, where the Summer Beer Fest is held) to the Burlington Holiday Inn on the South Service Road (off Harvester, just east of Guelph Line.) So there we go - a change of venue. Naturally, I asked co-organizer Wayne Brown why.

"We were at the Waterfront Hotel last Winter (and there were) some very nice people there. But it was just not large enough. The Holiday Inn has quite a bit more space for us." Okay, good point because as nice as the Waterfront is, it was close quarters, indeed. You circled the room within 15 minutes or so and instantly thought, "Oh geez, I just circled the room. Now what?"

The muddy aftermath of the half-hour monsoon on
the Sunday of the 2015 Burlington Beer Festival made
navigating around the puddles impossible afterwards.

Okay, fair warning, the next change is a little more contentious but the 2016 Burlington Summer Best Festival will also be held at the Holiday Inn rather than the lush, green and spacious Spencer Smith Park right beside Lake Ontario. So why would they move a Summer Beer Fest indoors? Well, let's just say Mother Nature can be a bitch. According to Wayne, "The weather seems to always be a problem - too hot, too wet, you name it. The move indoors takes the weather out of play." He added, if the weather cooperates, the hotel has a large outdoor patio that will be open, complete with live music. While I understand there will be opposition to the indoor switch, I had been to the last two Summer Beer Fests so I also understand where he's coming from. In 2014, I went on the Saturday and it pissed down rain all day. Granted, that didn't stop me because, well, rain... who cares? But Saturday is a beer fest's cash cow day and the attending breweries were probably less than thrilled at the far-lower-than-anticipated crowds in the fest's inaugural year. Because of the rain, the walk-in crowd for that day was non-existent. The 2015 Beer Fest faced similar problems. The day-time temperatures of Saturday and Sunday weren't just high - they were like Africa-hot. It was scorching.

I got a thumbs-up from this musician at the
2015 Summer Beer Fest at Spencer Smith
Park. Will the shift to the Holiday Inn also
get a thumbs-up from beer lovers? Time will
only tell. The Fest organizers are hoping so.

While I personally don't follow the credo, "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the Beer Fest," again the walk-in crowds evaporated as people huddled in their homes in front of their air conditioners. The city had actually issued heat alerts for those days, urging residents, particularly seniors, to stay indoors. And let's not forget the half-hour monsoon that hit late in the afternoon on Sunday where it was literally raining sideways. It was like Mother Nature set her Super-Soaker on machine-gun mode.

So as someone who drunkenly bravely faced the elements both years, I get the shift indoors. But not everyone does. When I introduced Wayne to my buddies, Jay, Jonny and Steve at the Rib Eye Jack's Ale House's Beer Fest in October, he told the boys about their Summer plans to shift indoors. He was immediately faced with opposition from my pals. As he always does, Wayne cheerfully stood his ground before ultimately playing the Seven of Nine Card - resistance was futile. (See? I knew I could make that work. Sorta. Doogie, one six of Mad Tom, please.) Personally, I think this shift indoors will work. I tend to view these things (as I do most things in life) as a grand, fun social experiment. I will definitely be there because you gotta be in the game to see how the cards play out. As will my buddies. Besides, it's a local initiative and I adamantly believe we should always support those.

Do we it it better? Well, yeah, this lady looks
pretty honest to me so she must be right. I
mean, it's Burlington, it's beer so nuff said!

Okay, now that we are done navel-gazing over the venue shift, let's talk turkey. There are bigger questions and the biggest, as always, is what breweries will be at the upcoming Winter Beer Fest that's a mere 18 days away? Well, you have to start with the Big Three - Burlington's Nickel Brook and Oakville's Cameron's Brewing and Trafalgar Ales - all of whom will be there. But wait, the addition of Collective Arts, now in Hamilton and also attending, adds a new local player and thus the Big Three have become The Fab Four. The roster is further bolstered by solid industry players, such as Amsterdam (Toronto), Black Oak (Toronto), Cutthroat (Kelowna, BC), Hop City (Brampton), Innocente (Waterloo), Mill Street (Toronto), Muskoka (Bracebridge), Royal City (Guelph), Samuel Adams (Boston), Side Launch (Collingwood), 20 Valley (St Catharines), Walkerville Brewery and Waterloo Brewing.

But you know what I love most about beer fests? It's meeting the breweries I haven't either sampled or sometimes even heard of before. And this one has more than a few for me. Coming along for the ride will be Bell City (Brantford), Elora Brewing, Les 3 Brasseur (Ottawa), Midian (Windsor), Orange Snail (Milton), Outlaw Brew (Southampton) and Whitewater (Forester Falls). Look at all those newcomers (to me, anyway) - that's why I go to beer fests!!!

At the Summer Beer Fest, the good folks from
Muskoka brought a cool hallowed-out, canoe-
shaped cooler to keep their brews icy cold. It was
the most creative cooler by a country mile, guys!

Now because Wayne and his merry gang are an inclusionary bunch because we are Canadians, after all, there will also be wineries (The Dreaming Tree, Inniskillin, Jackson-Triggs, Pelee Island and Vintage Ink), as well as cider houses (Brickworks, now owned by Mill Street Brewing, Hard Ironwood, Shiny and Spirit Tree.) And that's important to have them there because maybe someday, someone will somehow convince me that gluten allergies are an actual thing and not just the latest hipster man-bun affliction du jour. (For my American readers, that translates into "the latest fad" - though certainly not literally.) But I jest... frankly, the more, the merrier! Also, I've observed over my many years that women tend to favour wine so bring it!

And because it's at the Holiday Inn, the food trucks are gone this time. Why? Because the Holiday Inn "ain't got time for that!" Or as it's far more reasonably explained by Wayne, "The Holiday Inn will be handling all the food. They have a great chef and we expect to offer delicious items to everyone." I personally hope to meet a lot of his/her food at this event and good sir/madame (whichever you may be), please remember I am a carnivore so meat is always a plus. Also cheese. I'm big on that.

Will Nickel Brook be at the Burlington Winter
Beer Festival? Of course, they will. They're
one of the Fab Four. And not like Ringo. These
guys are more like John... or Paul... or George.
You know, one of the talented Beatles. Sorry...

Okay, the final word on the Burlington Winter Beer Festival, of course, belongs to Wayne so I'll step off for a second and get myself a beer. And this is where he lays a little truth bomb himself on the importance of volunteers needed to pull this stuff off.

"Volunteers are a huge part of what we do. They are involved in the planning process and are critical during these festivals. They are at the gate, taking and selling tickets. They sell refill tickets and help with the other things, such as collecting garbage and delivering ice to the breweries. Anyone wishing to volunteer can call our office at 905-634-1010. We can always use a few more good people!"

Okay, I'm back. Is Wayne done? He likes to talk even more than me so that's saying something. But I do have to say this about my man, Wayne, co-organizer Scott and the rest of the Burlington Beer Festival squad. Man, they bust their frikkin' humps to make my city look good. When I chatted with Wayne at the Summer Beer Festival, he was already talking to me about the Winter Beer Fest. And on top of that, he's already organizing a Burlington Music and Artfest for July 15-17 in Spencer Smith Park. There will be a small craft beer component to it but it's about, well, music and art. The man - and his team - just does not stop. Ever. Not even for a breath. I don't know if I wish I had that much energy or am glad that I don't. It's uncanny.

Okay, I want to sell this beer festival so I enlisted one of the prettiest
Beer Store daughters I have, Sassy Cassy, to put the magnetic signs on
my car. Now I'm not saying Cassy will be there. But I'm also not saying
she won't be there. Turns out you're gonna have to pay the $23 to know.

Okay, next up, we find out what happens when my co-worker Jay-Dawg tries to make his own delicious Great Lakes Brewing Swamp Juice #19 at home? And what happened when my baby girl, Katie, took her first trip to Rib Eye Jack's Ale House? (Spoiler Alert: she had fun.) How did my Nickel Brook buddy, Tony Cox, alert me that the latest Nickel Brook Headstock IPA coming off the line in Hamilton was bang-on again? After that, we have closer looks at Old Tomorrow Brewing in Toronto and Refined Fool Brewing in Sarnia.

And hey, what's next on deck? Who is that artist behind those awesome Great Lake Brewing labels? Someone hooked me up with him on Twitter! Just ask him and he'll say, "Who's Don?" We're very tight now! My friends all say that, too!

But certainly more on the Burlington Winter Beer Festival because no good deed goes unpunished. And finally to the lady who asked me this: "Do you drink to forget?" The answer is this: No, I drink because craft beer is delicious. It's just a bonus that after a very specific amount of really good craft beer, I forget your dumb-ass question.

Okay, guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here. I will be back soon - I'm sorry but in Canada, that's called "Fair warning". So until next time, I remain...