Smart phones and dumb owners

"WHY CAN'T I MAKE YOU WORK???" It seems
only fair that I yell that at my Smartphone on a regular
basis as every boss I've ever had has yelled that at me...

Well, I resisted as long as I could. After nearly a decade using a flip-phone, I finally relented and got a Smart-Phone. Now granted, people have been harping on me for several years to relinquish my trusty old flippie but I held tight for a few reasons.

For one, it was dirt-cheap and frankly, I don't really need a phone that does much more than text and make phone calls. I am not much of a latest gadget kinda guy - although, let's face it, calling a Smart-Phone the latest gadget is a little like awarding the Best New Group to the Foo Fighters at the Grammys. Both have been around for a while now. But the more peer pressure put on me, the longer I stubbornly resisted. Apparently, I'm also not much of a peer pressure kinda guy, either. Resistance is futile? Save it for the Borgs. I'm more of an immovable object. Even as a teen, I would answer my Mom, "No, I wouldn't jump off a bridge because all my friends did. But I'd damn sure watch and laugh at their mangled bodies..." (Did everyone else's Mom use bridge-jumping as the gold standard for peer pressure stupidity?)

Secondly, I was reluctant to join the Cell Zombie Cult. I had been at parties and gatherings where people spent the great majority of their time, staring at their damn phones.

Let's assume the Smart-Phones sucked those out

Doesn't matter if they're in their 20s or in their 50s, everyone seems hypnotized by that little glowing screen and oblivious to the living, breathing humans in their immediate vicinity. Chuckled Beer Musketeer Stevil St Evil, "Wait until you're using it and you walk into someone or something." Apparently, you're some kind of a Smart-Phone noob until you knock some little old lady ass over tea-kettle in the mall. (No, Mom, I didn't knock her over because all my friends did. I did it because it hurt less than walking into a post.)

And finally when you, umm, enjoy beer as much as I do, you appreciate a certain level of durability in your accessories. I went up to a gathering at Simon and Amy's (aka Hathaway's British Pub) upstairs a few months back and of course, everyone was on their Smart-Phone. When I whipped out Ol' Flippie to send a text, Dan, the young surfer dude from Draught Services, asked the question I have heard so many times in the past, "Whoa... why do you still use a flip-phone?" So I held it straight out, shoulder-high and simply dropped it onto the hardwood floor. It, of course, bounced around harmlessly. I looked up and asked, "Anyone else wanna try that?" There were no takers.

Scoff at it all you like... My Samsung flip-phone got me out of
a LOT of trouble!!! Oh, you sent a message? Damn my phone!

But I'll be frank - both the Smart-Phone and the flip-phone have their advantages. To me, the Smart-Phones' obvious one is the predictive text whereby it throws words up top that you may be typing and you can click on them. Coming from the guy who, just three weeks ago, had to hit 7 four times just to get an "s" into a text, that's a handy feature. (Some of you younger readers probably never knew what I like to call the PQRS Struggle. It was heinous.)

But the flip-phone? Man, it was a "Get Out Of Jail Free" Card. Why? Simple. Say you get a text you don't feel like answering - so in my case, most of them, right? You blame the phone. "You send a text? Really? When? I didn't see it. Damn this stupid flip-phone!" And the text-sender would agree. "Not his fault. The guy has a flip-phone. Probably doesn't get half his messages..." Now, of course, with a Smart-Phone, I'm forced to rely on a different tactic. "Yeah, I'm not sure how this thing even works yet." I'll be able to use that a bit... but not forever. But the flippie... man, those were my Golden Days Of Ignoring Texts. And my way of using long-outdated technology to my advantage but well, all bad things must come to an end.

Among the beers Beer Musketeer Glenn brought me up from
the USA was Stone Brewing's "Enjoy By" 02.14.15 IPA, not
coincidentally my birthday. Yeah, they didn't make it that far

Okay, according to the ridiculously-oversized clock on my Smart-Phone, it's Beer O'Clock here at Donny's Bar and Grill so let's look at the beers that Beer Musketeer Glenn brought me back from the good ol' U. S. of A the same night we hit the Burlington Winter Craft Beer Festival. He started off with a Stone Brewing (Escondido, California) Ruination Imperial IPA, which still ranks as my all-time favourite until something else knocks off that illustrious crown.

But he brought two more that came close. First of up was the Stone *Enjoy By* 02-14-15 IPA as a nod to my birthday and let's just say that poor bottle had zero chance to making it to that day. The Stone *Enjoy By* line of beers are deliberately meant to have a short shelf-life so they plaster the date on the painted label for the benefit of merchants and drinkers alike. Once in the glass, this 9.4% brew virtually pops with a citrus and hoppy aroma and a smooth grapefruit finish on the tongue - another winner and yet another 100 on RateBeer for the folks at Stone.

What do you get when you take West
Coast IPA and then add Citra hops to
the mix? This: West Coast Double IPA

The Green Flash Brewing (San Diego) West Coast Double IPA proved elusive on RateBeer... that is until Stevil realized that for 2013 and prior, they brewed their popular West Coast IPA, a 7.4% chock full of Simcoe, Columbus, Centennial and Cascade hops. But sometime in 2014, they changed the recipe, added Citra hops to the previous mix and re-released the beer as a 8.1% Double IPA. (That also explains why I didn't see it in the liquor stores last Summer. New beer equals new listing and that can be pricey.) As with the predecessor, you smell the grapefruit and tropical fruits notes from the Simcoe while the Centennial and now-added Citra combine to give you the pine and citrus on the tongue. Two stellar brews. I think I should probably clean out my fridge - I feel like I'm insulting some of the great beers I'm putting in there with their filthy surroundings.

Okay, the Thursday Mini-Cask Nights at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington continue to be a huge draw for the popular local (to me, anyway) night-spot.

Give the young guys at the Broadhead
Brewing Company in Ottawa full marks for
their senses of humour. On the back of their
Amber Ale, they print their "Business Plan"
which consists of build small brewery, brew
tasty beer, sell some, drink some, grow
large beards, quit our day jobs, hire all of
our friends and finally, make a rap video...

I was spoiled in recent weeks when my two favourites, Flying Monkeys Smashbomb Atomic IPA and Nickel Brook's Headstock IPA, were the featured beers. Now, here's the thing about the mini-cask: all the beers poured from it tend to have little or no carbonation at all. I don't know the science behind that but it's not like anyone has ever confused me with Bill Nye. So they pretty much have to stand on their taste alone and since the cask are delivered straight from the brewery, that gives them some freshness legs. Plus they are meant to last the night and that's all and my guess is that actually translates into just a few hours, given the event's popularity.

Now the Smashbomb in the cask was also wet-hopped and brewed using Waimea hops, a hop that was created by the New Zealand Plant and Food Research program in Riwaka, NZ, back in 2012. Apparently, it is the grand-daughter of the Pacific Jade hop but let's face it, that means nothing to me and we'd have to go on the Maury Show to find out who the hop's father is. The end result? It tasted like Smashbomb but not quite as some of the grapefruity goodness I'm used to was muted and replaced with stronger citrus. The Headstock was an easier call - pretty much exactly like Headstock with less carbonation. As well, the Wellington Brewery's Chocolate Milk Stout, which I have enjoyed from the bottle, was the same deal... same chocolate goodness, no carbonation.

One I had on cask but have never sampled before was the Junction Craft Brewing's Pumucki American Red Ale, which clocked in at 4.7% and a relatively-harmless 47 IBUs (international bitter units - which means more in IPAs and pale ales and less in other styles.)

Yeah, my Smart-Phone may think it's all
that but until it did can this, it has failed.

According to the hand-written label, which as close as the bar's Beer Technician Kylie and I could read was identified as "Pumukl" (they must have a doctor on staff, given the handwriting), the IBUs come from the use of Admiral and Centennial hops. It was a decent red ale - fruit (but surprisingly not apple) on the nose, some bitterness on the tongue. I wasn't wowed by any means but it was serviceable, I suppose.

Two casks I missed through either other business to attend or a total lack of understanding as to which day of the week it was included Wellington Brewery and a rare IPA offering from those folks with their Walk The Plank IPA and just this past week (due to the Family Day vacation, I thought Thursday was Wednesday and drove right past the bar home), it was Innocente Brewing's Evil Conscience Black IPA on cask. I would feel bad about my days of the week confusion except the week prior (the Headstock cask), after testing that out, I asked Kylie, "What's new?" and she plunked a bottle of Evil Conscience in front of me. So next time, I will be looking into both that tasty dark beer and well as a little bit of the Waterloo brewery's history, which actually landed in Canada from Edinburgh, Scotland - a round-about way of landing in Waterloo, for certain, as it likely involves some combination of planes, trains and automobiles.

Well, I'll be back in a couple of days but tonight, as he is transferring to another Beer Store on Monday, we are taking our beloved co-worker Gordo out for good-bye beers. Our game plan is to get him as wasted as a Liberal Arts degree. I feel confident we will succeed. But guys and doll, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain...