Putting Burlington on the map

Wayne Brown, who co-chairs the
Burlington Beer Festivals with Scott
Robinson and a handful of eager
volunteers, told me he is pumped for
Summer 2015 version, saying some 30
breweries had already committed to it.

For a gentleman I had never met before, I have seen a lot of Wayne Brown recently, having crossed paths with him here in Burlington three times in the span of one week recently. (Unfortunately for the poor fellow, that also means he's seen his fill of me for the next little while, I suspect.) But you know what? I'm not one who's prone to chronological order so let's start with the second time I met Wayne in that seven days in early to mid-February because the first time is the punchline.

The second time I met Wayne was a very frigid Friday night outside Rib Eye Jack's Ale House a couple of weeks back. Like an idiot, I was outside in the cold night, having a smoke (that's the idiot part) while he was leaving. Of course, I was nowhere near the 15-metres (50 feet) that Ontario law dictates you are supposed to be from the door. More like 10 feet. It's Canada, it's Winter... it's not like anyone is gonna come out. Except that Wayne did. He was walking out to his car but looked at me, stopped cold and said he had seen me at the Burlington Winter Craft Beer Festival the previous weekend. Uh-oh. Truth to tell, Beer Musketeer Glenn and I attended the Festival and well, as previously mentioned, we got a head-start with some heavy duty beer before we even arrived. So Wayne says, "I met you when you having a hot-buttered stout last weekend." That would be the Turtle Island Brewing's Ixcacao Triple Chocolate Stout mixed with hot butter melted by a crockpot. It was freakin' phenomenal. It was also my last beer of the night. Back to the reason for that in a minute.

Well, if you take the Burlington Winter Craft
Beer Festival into account, they're both in the
same direction. The arrows mean tasty goodness.
Except that this bar sign is clearly in Germany.

So obviously we start talking Burlington Beer Festival and I tell him how much I enjoyed the three-day inaugural Summer Fest, even though I went on the Saturday and it was dumping down rain like Monsoon Season in Thailand. (Neither Beer Musketeer Cat and I much cared... we were there for the beer, not the weather. The trick is to beating nature is to create an equilibrium whereby you make your insides as liquid-soaked as your outsides. Thus your body reaches equal inner and outer saturation. Don't argue - it's Science. Physiology 101, class.) It becomes obvious, after he tells me his name, that he was one of the organizers. He happily tells me they have already locked down 30 breweries for the 2015 Summer Beer Fest, quite a jump from the 22 they had in 2014. And let's face it - I'll wager more are gonna sign on. If anyone's in a betting mood, I say they pull closer to 40 craft brewers for the next Summer Craft Beer Fest slated for July 17-19. After we chatted for a bit and I edged closer to hypothermia, he went on his merry way while I scurried back to the bar's warmth.

The third time we met, the very next night, also my birthday, again at Rib Eye Jack's, he showed his smooth-talking Silver Fox side when he met my pretty date and quipped, "So I see you brought your daughter." But beyond that, he came to my table to say tickets were being printed up soon for the Summer Fest and we talked about that some more. Exactly a week after their first-ever Winter Festival and you could clearly see he was already stroked for the next Summer one.

Since it was established in 2014, this remains the one
Beer Festival to which I can say, "Yeah, I've been to
ALL OF THEM so far." Quite a feather in my cap...

What can I say? I dig that kind of enthusiasm from the guy organizing a major Craft Beer Festival, held in Spencer Smith Park, which is ever-so-conveniently located at the bottom of the street on which I happen to live. The Winter Craft Beer Festival? In the hotel next to that same park. Now granted, they don't know where I live but to me, it was almost like, "Hey, where can we hold these Beer Fests so that Don can get in a cab, point up the street and simply say, 'Drive for 11 minutes and 37 seconds, including traffic lights. Then stop!'"

Which, in my usual roundabout way, takes us to the first time I met Wayne. That would be at the Winter Beer Fest where he nicely approached Glenn and myself after we drank that hot-buttered stout (believe me, the last of many before it) and suggested that, hey, maybe that very cab ride would be a tip-top idea. Realizing that, when he told me a week later, I stumbled to apologize but he waved it off. "You guys were great," he noted. "Thanked us and left as happy as could be. We had some guys that got, well, a little argumentative about it."

Vendors jammed the lakefront for the Friday night of the inaugural Burlington
Beer Festival last July. Granted, we went on the Soggy Saturday but hey, you
can't pick your weather. That said, you can pick your tasty tasty craft beers!!

So how did the organizing of the Burlington Beer Festival land in Wayne's lap? Well, Brown, a true lover of craft beers, was already known in the community for organizing a handful of smaller-scale charity events and was actually approached by the city to create yet another for Spencer Smith Park to hold between the annual Sound of Music Festival, held every Father's Day weekend (one of the biggest free music festivals in North America) and the Rib Fest, held every Labour Day weekend, again another event with notoriety across North America. In the end, he and co-founder Scott Robinson decided a craft beer festival was long overdue for the city and off they went. I would say I'm as jazzed for the upcoming Summer one as he is ("We have some great music," he promises) but well, that's not possible. Thanks to Wayne and his happy crew, Summers in my city just got a whole lot better.

Steve Innocente, father of four, master of yeast and
now craft brewer, raises a glass of his fine brew...

Okay, the clock on the wall at Donny's Bar and Grill says, "Hey, numbnuts, it's Beer O'Clock... start typing." (Shut the hell up, clock, you can be replaced!) I first heard of Innocente Brewing's beers at Rib Eye Jack's when Beer Technician Kylie plunked their Conscience IPA in front of me one Thursday night. The following week, she upped the ante with their Guilty Conscience Double IPA. Seeing the name, I instantly thought the brewery was based in Quebec. It's not. It based in Waterloo. In fact, "innocent" in French is spelled exactly the same way although as it turns out, "innocente" is the French female version of a naive person. No, it's simpler than that - as always - as the brewery was created by Steve Innocente, a former cancer researcher turned craft brewer. According to an article in his local paper as well as the brewery's website, Innocente spent two decades studying protein and yeast cells in his research. Along the way, he became, well, pretty damn clever about yeast and its application in his home brewing. At that point, a decade ago, his and his family were in Scotland as he studied at the University of Edinburgh. Fast forward to 2012 when Innocente entered two of his home brews into the Scottish Craft Brewers Competition and wouldn't you know it, he walked away with Best In Show for what would eventually become his 4.7%, 50 IBU (international bitterness units) Bystander Pale Ale.

Innocente brewer Devin keeps a close eye of dozens of
their Evil Conscience Black IPA at the brewery, Sorry
about your luck, man, because I got one of them anyway...

Eventually, the clan came back to Canada where Steve realized his dream of opening a craft brewery in Waterloo last Summer. And the hop-crazy Innocente is cranking them out old school. So it was, that an Evil Conscience Black IPA landed in front of me when I asked Kylie what was new. She knows how to shut me up quickly - just put a new beer in front of me, I instantly go to my Happy Place involving palm trees on the beach and hula girls serving me craft beers in coconut bras. It's a win-win for everyone... okay, maybe not the imaginary hula girls. Okay, whereas the Conscience and Guilty Conscience both had the nose of gym socks (though both tasted great), the 6.1%, 65 IBU Evil Conscience was all licorice on the nose, mostly licorice and all bitter on the tongue. A strong brew, the best one so far from this new brewery though well, I am now Jones-ing for the Bystander.

As luck would have it, I got a chance to compare it to another Black IPA shortly afterwards as I had a bottle of Beavertown Black Betty Black IPA, directly from the London, England brewery in my fridge. I spoil my fridge so it can, in turn, spoil me. Our relationship is complicated, complex yet beautiful.

So if you drink Black Betty Black IPA, you become a
skeleton? Because I actually gained a few pounds...

Where the Black Betty dials down the bitterness a touch at 60 IBUs, it pumps up the jam with its 7.4% ABV. However, on the strength of its Magnum, Columbus, Chinook and Citra hops, Black Betty does deliver that ♫ Sham bah lam ♫
No licorice here, this was all pineapple on the nose (something you truly do not expect with a jet-black beer) with both grapefruit and coffee (exactly what you do expect from a black beer) on the tongue. No idea if they have to pay the group Ram Jam for the rights to the name of their 1977 classic (but one-hit wonder) tune but let's face it, if I named a beer, oh say, "Come On Eileen", I would laugh in the faces of Dexys Midnight Runners if they came after me for more than pocket change. Actually, I'd laugh in the faces of Dexys Midnight Runners even if I didn't brew that beer and they simply introduced themselves. I suspect women named Eileen back in 1982 had even more reason not to like the song. Just a guess. All that aside, one of the better Black IPAs I've tried...

Hmmm, skeletons seem to be a theme here.
Although this one has a helmet on and appears
to be riding a bicycle? No matter, a great beer

Okay, one more before the typing stops and the always-classy beer tasting at Donny's Bar and Grill begins. Cat's home brewery, Amsterdam, recently bottled their Cruiser All Day Pale Ale and at 4.9% and 39 IBUs, this new release (two months old, tops) could be another great sessionable pale ale. Well, I got the opportunity to try it in two very different formats - first out of the bottle (twice - yes, I went back for seconds because you can never be too careful) and then a week later as Rib Eye Jack's Thursday night mini-cask - same great taste with next to no carbonation. Totally citrus on the nose, some punchy grapefruit on the tongue, I think the gals and pals at Amsterdam have a winner here. Start kegging this up, kids, and get it to bars in time for Summer. This is a true patio beer with a bit of oomph.

Well, if there's one thing I can't stand when I've had too many brews, it's "up". And truth to tell, I have a huge backlog of recently-tasted beers to talk about but it turns out today was more of a story-telling day, instead. You gotta rock the canoe for shits and giggles every once in a while. I'd like to thank Ram Jam and Dexys Midnight Runners for being my musical guests today. Also this marks my 100th Brew Ha Ha so if you see me, buy me a beer. Or three. If you don't see me, don't buy me a beer. It's ridiculously easy when you think about it. This would be the time to avoid me at all costs. But guys and dolls, that's it, that all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain...

Smart phones and dumb owners

"WHY CAN'T I MAKE YOU WORK???" It seems
only fair that I yell that at my Smartphone on a regular
basis as every boss I've ever had has yelled that at me...

Well, I resisted as long as I could. After nearly a decade using a flip-phone, I finally relented and got a Smart-Phone. Now granted, people have been harping on me for several years to relinquish my trusty old flippie but I held tight for a few reasons.

For one, it was dirt-cheap and frankly, I don't really need a phone that does much more than text and make phone calls. I am not much of a latest gadget kinda guy - although, let's face it, calling a Smart-Phone the latest gadget is a little like awarding the Best New Group to the Foo Fighters at the Grammys. Both have been around for a while now. But the more peer pressure put on me, the longer I stubbornly resisted. Apparently, I'm also not much of a peer pressure kinda guy, either. Resistance is futile? Save it for the Borgs. I'm more of an immovable object. Even as a teen, I would answer my Mom, "No, I wouldn't jump off a bridge because all my friends did. But I'd damn sure watch and laugh at their mangled bodies..." (Did everyone else's Mom use bridge-jumping as the gold standard for peer pressure stupidity?)

Secondly, I was reluctant to join the Cell Zombie Cult. I had been at parties and gatherings where people spent the great majority of their time, staring at their damn phones.

Let's assume the Smart-Phones sucked those out

Doesn't matter if they're in their 20s or in their 50s, everyone seems hypnotized by that little glowing screen and oblivious to the living, breathing humans in their immediate vicinity. Chuckled Beer Musketeer Stevil St Evil, "Wait until you're using it and you walk into someone or something." Apparently, you're some kind of a Smart-Phone noob until you knock some little old lady ass over tea-kettle in the mall. (No, Mom, I didn't knock her over because all my friends did. I did it because it hurt less than walking into a post.)

And finally when you, umm, enjoy beer as much as I do, you appreciate a certain level of durability in your accessories. I went up to a gathering at Simon and Amy's (aka Hathaway's British Pub) upstairs a few months back and of course, everyone was on their Smart-Phone. When I whipped out Ol' Flippie to send a text, Dan, the young surfer dude from Draught Services, asked the question I have heard so many times in the past, "Whoa... why do you still use a flip-phone?" So I held it straight out, shoulder-high and simply dropped it onto the hardwood floor. It, of course, bounced around harmlessly. I looked up and asked, "Anyone else wanna try that?" There were no takers.

Scoff at it all you like... My Samsung flip-phone got me out of
a LOT of trouble!!! Oh, you sent a message? Damn my phone!

But I'll be frank - both the Smart-Phone and the flip-phone have their advantages. To me, the Smart-Phones' obvious one is the predictive text whereby it throws words up top that you may be typing and you can click on them. Coming from the guy who, just three weeks ago, had to hit 7 four times just to get an "s" into a text, that's a handy feature. (Some of you younger readers probably never knew what I like to call the PQRS Struggle. It was heinous.)

But the flip-phone? Man, it was a "Get Out Of Jail Free" Card. Why? Simple. Say you get a text you don't feel like answering - so in my case, most of them, right? You blame the phone. "You send a text? Really? When? I didn't see it. Damn this stupid flip-phone!" And the text-sender would agree. "Not his fault. The guy has a flip-phone. Probably doesn't get half his messages..." Now, of course, with a Smart-Phone, I'm forced to rely on a different tactic. "Yeah, I'm not sure how this thing even works yet." I'll be able to use that a bit... but not forever. But the flippie... man, those were my Golden Days Of Ignoring Texts. And my way of using long-outdated technology to my advantage but well, all bad things must come to an end.

Among the beers Beer Musketeer Glenn brought me up from
the USA was Stone Brewing's "Enjoy By" 02.14.15 IPA, not
coincidentally my birthday. Yeah, they didn't make it that far

Okay, according to the ridiculously-oversized clock on my Smart-Phone, it's Beer O'Clock here at Donny's Bar and Grill so let's look at the beers that Beer Musketeer Glenn brought me back from the good ol' U. S. of A the same night we hit the Burlington Winter Craft Beer Festival. He started off with a Stone Brewing (Escondido, California) Ruination Imperial IPA, which still ranks as my all-time favourite until something else knocks off that illustrious crown.

But he brought two more that came close. First of up was the Stone *Enjoy By* 02-14-15 IPA as a nod to my birthday and let's just say that poor bottle had zero chance to making it to that day. The Stone *Enjoy By* line of beers are deliberately meant to have a short shelf-life so they plaster the date on the painted label for the benefit of merchants and drinkers alike. Once in the glass, this 9.4% brew virtually pops with a citrus and hoppy aroma and a smooth grapefruit finish on the tongue - another winner and yet another 100 on RateBeer for the folks at Stone.

What do you get when you take West
Coast IPA and then add Citra hops to
the mix? This: West Coast Double IPA

The Green Flash Brewing (San Diego) West Coast Double IPA proved elusive on RateBeer... that is until Stevil realized that for 2013 and prior, they brewed their popular West Coast IPA, a 7.4% chock full of Simcoe, Columbus, Centennial and Cascade hops. But sometime in 2014, they changed the recipe, added Citra hops to the previous mix and re-released the beer as a 8.1% Double IPA. (That also explains why I didn't see it in the liquor stores last Summer. New beer equals new listing and that can be pricey.) As with the predecessor, you smell the grapefruit and tropical fruits notes from the Simcoe while the Centennial and now-added Citra combine to give you the pine and citrus on the tongue. Two stellar brews. I think I should probably clean out my fridge - I feel like I'm insulting some of the great beers I'm putting in there with their filthy surroundings.

Okay, the Thursday Mini-Cask Nights at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington continue to be a huge draw for the popular local (to me, anyway) night-spot.

Give the young guys at the Broadhead
Brewing Company in Ottawa full marks for
their senses of humour. On the back of their
Amber Ale, they print their "Business Plan"
which consists of build small brewery, brew
tasty beer, sell some, drink some, grow
large beards, quit our day jobs, hire all of
our friends and finally, make a rap video...

I was spoiled in recent weeks when my two favourites, Flying Monkeys Smashbomb Atomic IPA and Nickel Brook's Headstock IPA, were the featured beers. Now, here's the thing about the mini-cask: all the beers poured from it tend to have little or no carbonation at all. I don't know the science behind that but it's not like anyone has ever confused me with Bill Nye. So they pretty much have to stand on their taste alone and since the cask are delivered straight from the brewery, that gives them some freshness legs. Plus they are meant to last the night and that's all and my guess is that actually translates into just a few hours, given the event's popularity.

Now the Smashbomb in the cask was also wet-hopped and brewed using Waimea hops, a hop that was created by the New Zealand Plant and Food Research program in Riwaka, NZ, back in 2012. Apparently, it is the grand-daughter of the Pacific Jade hop but let's face it, that means nothing to me and we'd have to go on the Maury Show to find out who the hop's father is. The end result? It tasted like Smashbomb but not quite as some of the grapefruity goodness I'm used to was muted and replaced with stronger citrus. The Headstock was an easier call - pretty much exactly like Headstock with less carbonation. As well, the Wellington Brewery's Chocolate Milk Stout, which I have enjoyed from the bottle, was the same deal... same chocolate goodness, no carbonation.

One I had on cask but have never sampled before was the Junction Craft Brewing's Pumucki American Red Ale, which clocked in at 4.7% and a relatively-harmless 47 IBUs (international bitter units - which means more in IPAs and pale ales and less in other styles.)

Yeah, my Smart-Phone may think it's all
that but until it did can this, it has failed.

According to the hand-written label, which as close as the bar's Beer Technician Kylie and I could read was identified as "Pumukl" (they must have a doctor on staff, given the handwriting), the IBUs come from the use of Admiral and Centennial hops. It was a decent red ale - fruit (but surprisingly not apple) on the nose, some bitterness on the tongue. I wasn't wowed by any means but it was serviceable, I suppose.

Two casks I missed through either other business to attend or a total lack of understanding as to which day of the week it was included Wellington Brewery and a rare IPA offering from those folks with their Walk The Plank IPA and just this past week (due to the Family Day vacation, I thought Thursday was Wednesday and drove right past the bar home), it was Innocente Brewing's Evil Conscience Black IPA on cask. I would feel bad about my days of the week confusion except the week prior (the Headstock cask), after testing that out, I asked Kylie, "What's new?" and she plunked a bottle of Evil Conscience in front of me. So next time, I will be looking into both that tasty dark beer and well as a little bit of the Waterloo brewery's history, which actually landed in Canada from Edinburgh, Scotland - a round-about way of landing in Waterloo, for certain, as it likely involves some combination of planes, trains and automobiles.

Well, I'll be back in a couple of days but tonight, as he is transferring to another Beer Store on Monday, we are taking our beloved co-worker Gordo out for good-bye beers. Our game plan is to get him as wasted as a Liberal Arts degree. I feel confident we will succeed. But guys and doll, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain...

Burlington Beer Fest goes two-for-two!

Talk about a Beer Fest win for this guy! I scored
a hug from Trish Watson, co-founder and "Beer
Goddess" of Ottawa's Turtle Island Brewing...

Think of the large rectangular room in the Waterfront Hotel that housed the Burlington Winter Craft Beer Festival on February 7 the same way you would think of a clock. When Beer Musketeer Glenn and I wandered in, we immediately turned left to scope out the vendors set up around the room.

Well, I didn't get past 1 o'clock because the first vendor, Mill Street Brewing, had a new Oatmeal Stout, they brought specially for the event. (Burlington's getting its beer cred, yo!) Some beers call your name gently... like the ones in the magical beer fridge at Donny's Bar and Grill. (The rest of you likely refer to it as your food fridge - to you I say just this. Stock up on non-perishables, you're taking up valuable beer space!) But then there are beers that scream your name and pull on your hair. A specialty Oatmeal Stout from the good folks at Mill Street? Yeah, totally a screamer. But we'll get back to that in a minute or 12, depending on your reading speed.

A lot of great, familiar names in the Ontario craft brewing circled that room - Flying Monkeys, Amsterdam, Muskoka, Beau's All-Natural, Cameron's, my hometown home boys, Nickel Brook... all the major players. But at 10 o'clock, I got the nicest surprise. I spotted the Turtle Island Brewing table, (wo-)manned by none other than the brewery's co-founder Trish Watson.

Beer Musketeer Glenn chatted up the couple manning the Beau's
All-Natural Brewing. He was a hophead, she was a malt fan. So
it made for some pretty fun conversation, talking with this pair...

I have met Trish exactly once - on July 19 last year at the inaugural Burlington Beer Festival. So I walked up and said, "Hi, Trish, I don't know if you rememb..." That's as far as I got. "Don! How are you?" she said, wide-eyed, rushing around the table to give me a big hug. That, in a nut-shell, gives you an idea of the Ontario craft breweries' sensibility. They not only truly appreciate their customers, sometimes they even remember you by your first name. (As well as Don, I would have also accepted Loud Guy From The Summer or Smells Like A Funky-Ass Barn Dude.) But not only did Trish remember my name, she quickly snagged my glass and filled it with their Ixcacao Triple Chocolate Stout, my all-time Turtle Island favourite.,, and it was a hefty, healthy pour.  And I came back later for their Melted Butter Ixcacao, in which the stout was mixed and warmed up with crockpot melted butter.

This time the Burlington Beer Festival organizers did us a huge
solid with proper glasses. These Winter Beer Fest glasses were
nearly 12 ounces and made for more than a few "healthy" pours!

Before I go any further, let me start with huge props for the organizers. When Beer Musketeer Cat and I did the inaugural Burlington Beer Festival back in July, we were given these four or five-ounce no-name plastic cups at the gate in Spencer Smith Park. They looked like something you'd put a boozy Jello Shot in. But on that soggy summer afternoon, Matty from Nickel Brook took care of that quickly by grabbing our little plastic cups, pitching them and handing us proper Nickel Brook 10-ounce plastic cups - my guys take good care of me. "Even your half-pours will be a better deal," he sagely advised. As it was pouring down rain and attendance was sketchy, there were not many half-pours that day. Equally possible, I may have double-downed chips at most booth. Not a concern at the Winter Craft Beer Fest as the folks gave us all the biggest glass I've had ever seen at any festival. Big ol' manly-men glasses for manly-men Fest-goers... as well as me and Glenn. Dangerous in my hands, yes, but a real boon for others! This glass beast has to be close to 12-ounces, which is phenomenal for any Fest. Also on the Saturday, the festival hours ran from 12 noon to 11 pm, also unheard of. Even the Toronto Festival of Beers, the province's largest, shut down by 8 pm on the Saturday (though the Friday night session, which opens at 4 pm, runs until 10 pm.) So the Burlington gang is going full-throttle with their Beer Fests!

When you see the colourful folks from Barrie's Flying Monkeys
Craft Brewery, you know you're at a good Beer Fest. If you see
actual flying monkeys, that can mean you've been over-served...

But before we even arrived, Glenn and I had some prep work to do. You see, Glenn had done another of his infamous USA border runs whereby he smuggles top-flight beer back into Canada but this time, he used a new technique. He put it all into his passenger seat in full view and was prepared to pay the duty. The Canadian Border Guard was mystified and assuming there had to be more in the trunk, inspected it but found nothing. Rather than point him over to the duty area, he shook his head, muttering about about sanity and waved him through. No duty, no nothing. Let's assume those rectally-inserted horseshoes made Glenn's drive to my place a little uncomfortable.

But the dude's a gamer as he brought me back some of my beloved Stone Ruination Double IPA, a Stone "Best Before" 02-14-15 IPA (not coincidentally my birthday) and a couple Green Flash West Coast Double IPA. That earned him a BBQ steak and french fry dinner at Donny's Bar and Grill which was liberally washed down with a growler of Nickel Brook's Headstock IPA and another Yankee find, a Firestone Walkers (Paso Robles, California) Double Jack IPA.

The Burlington Beer Festival was busy throughout
January, promoting its Winter Session at venues and bars
throughout the city, such as Shoeless Joe's on Brant St.

Glenn loved the extra-hoppy punch to the nose of the Headstock fresh from the growler and noted that one of the guys at his local 5 Paddles Brewing said Nickel Brook Brewmaster Ryan had a reputation within the craft industry of being a "hop genius." After the growler but before our departure, we decided to split that big bottle of Double Jack. Well, at 9.9%, that may have been a mistake (I believe the Math was: "Okay, we're splitting it. That's like 5% each"), especially after a growler, but hey, that was one damn delicious mistake. All tangerine and grapefruit on the nose, this double IPA finishes on the tongue with a long, bitter, piney taste. A freakin' bomb-blast!

As well, earlier in the day, high atop his perch in Wellington, New Zealand, Beer Musketeer Stevil St Evil cyber-walked me through how to use the Voice Recorder on my new Smart Phone. Despite the phone's Notepad app, Stevil noted, "It's easier than typing yourself notes once you're a few beers into the Fest." An excellent idea but one small problem. Let's assume your normal speaking voice is a volume of one. Well, when you start with a growler and Double Jack DIPA before you even leave, your volume is already at five. And each progressive recording throughout the night got louder and well, more filled with profanity. While everything I said was positive, I suspect the brewers would be somewhat amused (or maybe disturbed) to hear how their beers were described in my phone. More and more F-Bombs went into my descriptions as the evening wore on. Samuel L Jackson might as well have been recording it.

The chap at the Mill Street Brewery table said
that there were no plans to release this awesome
Old Fashioned Oatmeal Stout commercially yet.

So let's get to those, shall we? Mill Street Oatmeal Stout was "really nice. Smooth. Chocolate and oats on the nose, chocolate and coffee but no bitterness on the tongue." Okay, no swearing yet. Next up was the Turtle Island Ixcacao Triple Chocolate Stout was "exactly like I remember it. Chocolate and coffee on the nose, all bitter-sweet chocolate on the tongue." No swearing yet but I inexplicably refer to the beer as Ixpaxa. Next one, we veered off path. Glenn told me to pick his next beer so I marched him over to the Nickel Brook booth and he received the Maple Porter. So I held up the mic to him and said to describe it. "Hmmmm, well, let's see. Tasting chocolate and coffee. This is really good." Actually, there's also a presence (but not overpoweringly so) of maple as the brewery uses actual maple syrup rather than just maple flavouring. But still no swearing. Next up, I had the Flying Monkey's Division By Zero Imperial Nut Brown Ale, which clocks in at 11%. Okay, now the swearing begins so rather than use the actual wording, I will substitute the words "fluffy bunny" which should offend no one... unless you despise or were viciously attacked by a fluffy bunny as a child. "Holy fluffy bunny, this has a lot of kick. And I fluffy bunny doubled up!" I went on...

Our good brewing friends from South River's
Highlander Brew Company travelled down
Hwy 400 for three hours to attend the
Burlington Winter Craft Beer Festival but
I don't remember the cat joining them...

"Lessee, spice and nut on the nose, Toffee and fig on the tongue. Boozy warmth with the swallow." I next wandered over to the Bayside Brewing Company, simply because I hadn't heard of them before. Situated on the north shore of Lake Erie in the tiny village of Erieau between London and Windsor, they brew only four beers thus far. If I have their history correctly here, two couples, Ken Royal, Nancy Cowan, Frank Thompson and Josette deBrouwer took over the run-down Tilt'N Hilt'N Hotel and revamped it into a brewpub/brewery on the sunny shores of Rondeau Bay not long ago. They are growing slowly but steadily with the "support and encouragement of the (Erieau) villagers." Okay, so I tried their Brown Ale and described it thusly. "Much milder and a lot thinner than the Division By Zero. Some caramel on the nose, light maltiness on the tongue..." See, not a single swear word? But I replaced that with stupidity by declaring, "This is a really nice dark lager." Which, of course, it is not - it's an ale. I think the Division By Zero is what I like to call the Teeter Beer - the one that sends you over the edge from vaguely-knowledgeable Beer Geek to stupid-ass Frat Boy. And finally, I went back to Turtle Island because I had to try the hot butter infused Ixcacao which I was likely calling El Taxi Cabo by this point. I suspect my review was perhaps a little too vocal (let's assume volume 10) for the immediate crowd but it went like this: "Hot buttered double fluffy bunny chocolate beer. Holy fluffy bunny, this is fluffy bunny awesome!!!" Now I say I might have been a bit loud because at that point, a really nice man named Wayne suggested very politely to Glenn and me that, hey, you guys look like you could use a cab. We said, "Hey, capital fluffy bunny idea, Wayne!" and off we went into the Burlington night.

And so it was. Kudos to Stevil for the Vocal Recording idea... simply because it was hilarious to listen to the next day. And biggest Kudos of all the the organizers of the Burlington Winter Craft Beer Festival - you folks are putting us on the map!!! See you in July but I promise... without the growlers and the Double Jack IPAs first! I will start by speaking at volume one. Eject me at about volume seven. But guys and dolls, that's it, that all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain, as always...

Speakeasy, Naughty Neighbour and more

My buddy, Lloyd, takes a beer break between songs.
Knowing that drummers can lose up to 37 pounds per
gig (I completely made that up) so Lloyd was wise to
replenish his electrolytes with tasty, healthy beer!

So I went out to drink on Robbie Burns Day on January 24th... and a concert broke out. That said, I knew my favourite local classic rock cover band, Speakeasy, was playing but it took a while to get in because the Burlington bar, The Purple Heather, was holding a tickets-only Robbie Burns Dinner first. The door wasn't opened to general public riff-raff and no-good-niks like me until 10 p.m. Well, that's a smart bar policy on any day on the year ("No Redmonds Until After 10 p.m, And We Will Watch You Like A Hawk), the fact is I learned a couple of things about The Purple Heather, a bar I have been to once before on St Patrick's Day about five years ago. Being half-Scottish and half-Irish, I honestly believe both those two days are legit reasons for me to drink. The other 363 days of the year? I make reasons up. They don't even have to be good reasons. "Hey, I didn't sneeze or shart today! Let's party!"

But two new aspects to The Purple Heather, as I said. Number one and most importantly, they now have my beloved Nickel Brook Naughty Neighbour American Pale Ale on tap, nestled deep within the mainstream brew taps. I was thrilled. This is a punchy little pale ale that makes for a great draft beer for the evening. To emphasize this, I had a great many of them... just to make sure the quality maintained its consistency. (It did.)

Speakeasy lead singer Kristine hit that tambourine so
hard, it became a blur to even the sharpest of cameras.
Bass player Kevin Pownall, right, laying down the beat.

But the second aspect surprised me the most. Five years ago, when I did my St Paddy's foray, it turned out I knew the owner. While I was there, a nice lady named Sarah looked at me and said, "Don?" Oh yeah, when I worked at a large newspaper chain many moons ago, Sarah was, in fact, the group's HR Director. So, ummm, yeah, we were well acquainted. She had a wooden chair in her office that I carved my initials in while waiting for her to come in yet again and tell me how they had to add a new policy to the books just because of my actions. Frankly, I think air-horns are perfectly suitable way to get the attention of others in a confined space... but it turns out the hyper-sensitive don't like that... or anyone with normal hearing. (The selective hearing I created as a youth with my parents has somehow carried on in later life. "Did I just burp?") Anyway, Sarah had gotten out of the HR game and with her hubby, owned The Purple Heather at that time.

But now? Well, ownership has changed. As it turns out, a friendly man-mountain named Doug Birrell has owned it since May 2013. I have met Doug once before as he is the former roommate and close buddy of my former brother-in-law Craig (we were married - no longer - to sisters more than a decade ago.) Doug is one of those huge dudes whose hand-shake is like a vice-grip and your first question is always, "So who did you play football for?"

Guitarist Stewart was his usual guns-out force on the
guitar, nailing riffs from Guns & Roses to Led Zeppelin

Don't know much about Doug but the fact that he's one of Craig's best friends tell me all I need to know. He must be a stand-up guy so I'll be back to The Purple Heather many times because you always wanna support stand-up guys who, A) own a local bar and B) serve an outstanding Nickel Brook product on tap. (Psssst, Doug, get their Headstock IPA on tap and I'll never leave... even if you play Semisonic's "Closing Time." Granted, not to worry - you could literally pick me up with one hand and throw me 50 feet. Probably more.)

But back to Speakeasy? Oh hell, they kicked ass. They always do and this gig was one of the closest they've had to me. Lloyd's lovely lady Vicky drove a few of us there, not realizing I was gunning down a Red Racer IPA road warrior in the back seat on the way there. She realized I was when she turned around to park. "Did you drink that on the way here?" she asked - it was a 10-minute drive. I wasn't sure if I was in trouble but said, yup. Let's assume the high-five told me she was cool with it. Lloyd always looks both so serious but also like he's having the time-of-his-life behind the kit. Singer Kristine nailed every note as she always does. The boys were tight. Great night!!!

My guys at Oshawa's Underdog Brewing posted
this pic on Twitter on February 2, Groundhog
Day, and noted that since their draft-tap boxer
Cornelius saw his shadow, there were be
another six weeks of free outdoor refrigeration
for their beer in Canada. Probably longer...

Okay, just throwing this out there but maybe you can learn from a mistake I've made and realize that "Harder!" is a really seriously piss-poor choice for a "safe word", the clock on the wall tells me it's Beer O'Clock at Brew Ha Ha!

Okay, Beer Musketeer Glenn always keeps me on my toes with his new finds, which he is great about sharing, so here's a couple he laid on me recently. First up is the Ballast Point Brewing (San Diego) Grapefruit Sculpin. When he told me about it, I said flatly, "Dude, that sounds like a facking radler!", meaning one of those horrid, grapefruit juice-lager combos that usually clock in at 2.5%. Glenn said, no, it's an IPA, honest! I scoffed until he brought me a bottle after one of his illicit hour-long forays into the USA when he smuggles up the good stuff. One of these days, I will get a phone-call from Glenn as he's being shipped to Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp, asking if I can pony up his bail but in the meanwhile, each trip comes with a progressively funnier story of how the border guards stopped him... and continually fail to find anything!!! It's staggering. He's almost like Walter White - what he's doing is very illegal but you cheer for him anyway! But dammit, he was right about the Grapefruit Sculpin - that's an IPA and a really good one. Grapefruit (duh) and pine of the nose, all grapefruit on the tongue, this 7% throat-slammer was a bomb-blast of a brew. Maybe not the 100 score it got on Rate Beer (high-90s would be fair) but certainly worthy of knocking boots with some of the best.

On Robbie Burns Day, Great Lakes Brewery has a fresh
batch of their award-winning Karma Citra IPA on sale that
morning at 10 a.m. I followed both the brewery and beer
purchasers that day on Twitter. Sold out in 35 minutes!

However, next up from Glenn??? Straight from Brasserie Rochefort in Rochefort, Belgium was a Trappistes Rochesfort 10, one of the most pungent quadrupels I've had yet. On the nose, very wine-like and high propane (alcohol), this 11.3% Belgie is a sipper as you get some plum, prune, raisin and, well, other wine qualities on the tongue. Strong-tasting... but really good. You couldn't drink many (well, without losing consciousness) but one of the best Belgies yet.

Okay, I will admit I have been keeping my eye open quite some time for Hogsback Brewery's (Ottawa) Aporkalypse Now Oatmeal Bacon Stout in Southern Ontario for quite some time. Why? No time for breakfast? Why not this? Oatmeal, bacon... throw in a pancake and some coffee and voila, breakfast in a bottle. We sell Hogsback's Vintage Lager at my Beer Store and it's maybe the best non-amber or dark lager out there. So yeah, I wanted me some Aporkalypse Now big-time and the sooner, the better. One day, it showed in a product search for a liquor store near my Mom's... she needed me to shovel the driveway... do the Math. Now naturally, I would have to get one for my co-worker Marie, a foodie who would make bacon angel-food cake if she could figure out how. (That sound you hear is Marie's brain trying to figure out that recipe. The *ding!* you just heard? Her, figuring it out...)

Hey now, that is one cool label!  HogsBack Aporkalypse
Now Oatmeal Bacon Stout is like breakfast in a bottle...

The commercial description says the beer has a unique infusion of Ottawa Valley heritage-raised "Pork of Yore" fine bacon in the mix, saying it uses 13 kilograms (29 pounds) of said bacon for every 780 litres (172 gallons) of 5.3% brew made. Marie has her doubts, recalling the smoked barley we sampled at the Beer Academy early last year which smelled exactly like bacon. I actually checked RateBeer to see what reviewers got bacon from this because I certainly didn't... but a few did. That said, a solid outing for a lighter stout. Though a bit thin, there was a certain smokiness on the nose, it was roasted malt and light chocolate on the tongue. Both Marie and I enjoyed it though she used about half of it in a recipe as she is wont to do. (The Julia Child School of Cooking - get hammered while you bake.)

Okay, want a heavy-duty stout? That would be Beau's All-Natural Brewing's (Vankleek Hill, Ontario) The Bottle Imp Russian Imperial Stout. The name comes from Robert Louis Stevenson story of risking eternal damnation of the soul to have everything on Earth that the heart desires. Uhhh, Beau's, calm the hell down. That's beer. You're covered. So what do we have here in this "impish bottle"?

The cartoon on the Great Lakes Brewery's Pompous
Ass English Pale Ale actually has a name - Sir
Fuggled Doublebottom. Great beer name with a
great cartoon character name on top of that. Nice!

Well now, this 9% stout is certainly made for the Winter months. The alcohol is completely masked (good sign for a high-alcohol beer though let's face it, that's much easier with stouts), the nose is all coffee with roasted malt and chocolate on the tongue. What surprised me, though, was that through the use of all-organic Fuggles and Pacific Gem hops, this stout is actually listed at 81 IBUs (international bitterness units) which would be on the high side for an IPA. Like the alcohol, I found the hoppiness muted, as well, but again easier for a stout. Rich, decadent and delicious!

Okay, let's finish this off with Great Lakes Brewery's (Etobicoke) Pompous Ass English Pale Ale. Gotta be honest - when I see the word "English" in front of "pale ale", I panic a little. I love the North American style hoppier pale ales over the malty British ones. So imagine my surprise when this session pale ale (4.2%) actually packed a little power in its punch. Pouring quite dark, it has some burnt malt on the nose (very British) with light grapefruit and surprising bitterness (hello, American West Coast) on the tongue. A dandy little combination of two distinct styles. Take a bow, GLB, as you continue to impress! I honestly believe these guys will be the Toronto craft brewery of record soon enough.

Okay, just like nothing says, "I've given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast meal, it's time for me to pack this in, too. Coming up, I recently abandoned my beloved flip-phone for a Smart Phone and the Burlington Beer Craft Beer Festival this Saturday. The Beer Fest was, by far, the easier decision. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain...