Rib Eye Jack's Ale House? Oh hellz yeah!

Co-worker Marie made me an offer I couldn't refuse. Her beau, Ernie, was
having his birthday celebrated at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington.
Her offer? "Hey, come meet us at Rib Eye Jack's!" Who says no to that?

As William Shakespeare once famously wrote: "Forsooth, methinks the Beer Musketeers shall have some ale-ridden fun for when next they visit doth Town of Burling." Oh, maybe literary historians will dispute that Shakespeare ever said anything remotely like that and to them, I just say this. Prove it. The dude wrote 38 plays, 154 sonnets, as well as various and sundry other scriblings with his feathered quill. Pour through them all and prove to me he never wrote that! Put up or shut up, eggheads.

Birthday Boy Ernie, left, and his Dad, John, enjoy the
sparklers the staff at Rib Eye Jack's put in his dessert to
celebrate this auspicious occasion. Also, there was beer.

Now that we've send the Literary Geeks on a wild goose chase, it's time for the Beer Geeks to chat at the Big People Table. (Shakespeare probably never said any of that. Truth to tell, I have no idea what the dude was saying. The English language was pretty messed up back in the 1500s. Phrases like "forsooth", "verily" and "whatevs.") Last Thursday, my Beer Store co-worker Marie made me a pretty smokin' offer. No, it wasn't that - it was way better than that!!! Her beau and my bro, Ernie, was celebrating his birthday at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington and she invited coworker Gordo and myself to join in the festivities after we were done with our shifts. Sounded good to me - Rib Eye Jack's has been in my periphery for over a year now. Actually, it's been in my direct line of vision that I often pass it on the way home from work, settled in just east of the Walker's Line and Harvester intersection here in Burlington. But I've been meaning to stop in because I had heard they sold an impressive selection of craft beers so I figured, "Hey, maybe they have close to 50 or so and there's a couple I haven't tried."

Uhhhh, no... not even close. While we were still working, Marie, already there with the group, sent me a text saying, "There are 200 different craft beers here!" Holy crap, it was on like Donkey Kong!

Rib Eye Jack's "Beer Technician" Kylie holds up a Nickel Brook
Brewing Old Kentucky Bastard Bourbon-Barrel-Aged Imperial
Stout while the restaurant's Head Chef Michael looks on...

When we arrived, the group had long finished the birthday celebrations and were settling into the post-festivities around a large table. Scooting to the bar, Gordo, ever the doofus, taunted me by wondering aloud, "I wonder if they have Coors Light?" The restaurant, in fact, does stock it, putting it on their Beginner's Menu with the likes of non-alcoholic Beck's. That said, I think that's a good call on the restaurant's part, having a handful of mainstream beers available. I saw a group of 15 in a side-room, perhaps having an early Christmas Party and let's face it, the odds of them all being craft beer drinkers is low to nil. A clever restaurant, like a smart brewery, makes sure it has something for everyone. They even have two gluten-free beers on their diet menu although frankly, I think you should be forced to explain what gluten is before you're allowed to complain about it.

Suspecting that I would drag him into the washroom and give him a serious-ass swirly, Gordo opted instead for a Steam Whistle Pilsner - a solid choice and actually one he quite enjoys. It was a little trickier for me, having 200 beers to choose from. In the end, I settled for a 500-ml bottle of Bellwoods Brewery's Witchshark Imperial IPA, a beer I last enjoyed on February 15th when Beer Musketeers Glenn, Cat and myself invaded the tiny Toronto brewery to celebrate my Valentine's Day birthday, as well as to toast Musketeer Stevil St Evil, celebrating his birthday on the 15th. (Given the time difference and that pesky thing known as the International Date Line, we actually both celebrate the same day as our Tuesday is his Wednesday.) And truth to tell, I enjoyed Witchshark IIPA for a couple of days afterwards. When we left the brewpub on that frigid day, we stopped into their retail component to buy some of their best. I got a Mixed-12 Pack, eight of which were the outstanding Witchshark IIPA.

Kylie dressed up as the girl on the label
of Nickel Brook's Naughty Neighbour
American Pale Ale this past Halloween

But it was Gordo who noticed the name-tag of our server, Kylie, also had the designation "Beer Technician". Asking her what that meant, she smiled and noted that it meant she was well-versed on all the beers they served. Gordo heard a direct answer to his question. I, on the other hand, heard a challenge.

So she and I started talking craft beer. Holy crap, this young lady, likely in her early 20s, knew her stuff... and then some. After comparing notes on nearly every Canadian craft beer I could think of, we went south of the border and started talking some of America's finest craft brews. I dare say she has probably had twice as many as me (which is considerable in and of itself) and like many women, has one of those photographic memories whereby she could rattle off all of their unique tastes. (As a hapless male, I have to take notes.) I'm no beer expert, more of an Uber-Enthusiastic Beer Geek. That said, I have spread that same enthusiasm far and wide, having tried dozens and dozens of craft's best over the last long stretch. In fact, my measurement of making sure I have enough craft beer at home is putting it all into the passenger seat until the "airbag enabled" light goes on because the car believes based on the weight, a human being is sitting there. And probably a human male that buys suits at the Big And Tall Store. But calling Kylie a "Beer Technician"? Uhhh, I'm gonna say she is probably a lot closer to a beer expert than I'll ever be. What a smart young lady - and about beer, too, so big bonus points for that!

You can create your own paddle for a few extra bucks but
here's the Rib Eye Jack's "house paddle" featuring, from
left, Mill Street Organic Lager, Nickel Brook Naughty
Neighbour APA and Mill Street Cobblestone Stout...

At some point, Gordo pointed out that I write a beer blog. Her ears perked up, asking the name. So I told her and added that I had recently used a picture of one of their waitresses on Halloween, dressed up as the model on the Nickel Brook Brewing's Naughty Neighbourhood American Pale Ale in this space.

She laughed out loud and slowly raised her hand. That was her. Turns out even though she doesn't know this blog at all, Kylie's been in it. Holy crap, you know how they say it's a small world? Yeah, I never say that because the Earth weighs 6.5 sextillion tons. No idea what a sextillion is but I'm guessing it's like a smokin' hot bunch of billions just from the name. Sexy sexy billions...

To my American friends, Happy Thanksgiving Day
today! We already had ours in Canada a month
ago. Try the turkey - it was pretty damn good. And
remember, just because Charles Manson is married
and you're not, it doesn't make you a loser! Despite
what your family tries to tell you on Thanksgiving!

Okay, I have only begun to scratch the surface of Rib Eye Jack's Ale House here so I'll be back in a couple of days to continue as we investigate their staggering beer selection (seriously, I haven't seen any Toronto bar with this many selections), what awesome food came out of their kitchen under the watchful eye of Head Chef Michael Stauffer as reviewed by the Ultimate Foodies Marie and Ernie, the ultimate Rib Eye Jack's Paddle, what Kylie served us from the mini-cask (we landed there on Cask Thursday - excuse while I yank the horseshoe outta my butt because it's making it difficult to sit and write this), why you'd go for the beer but stay to watch the hockey game in the guys' washroom, what Nickel Brook Brewmaster Ryan drinks when he pops in and much much more about this newly-discovered "now my favourite bar ever!". Also how Beer Musketeers Cat and Glenn, as well as Marie, Ernie and myself all plan to land there very soon for our own Mini Craft Beer Festival ... mostly because the Canadian Emergency Haz-Mat team is continuing to deal with the aftermath on the patio at Donny's Bar and Grill after the October Craft Beer Festival at my casa. They continue to clean up as toxic substances that remain unidentified for the human species are still being found.

Good news for stout lovers! Nickle Brook Brewery's outstanding Bolshevik
Bastard Imperial Stout, which clocks in at 9% and 70 IBUs (international
bitterness units) is now available at select liquor stores in its new 4-Pack!

So Rib Eye Jack's, Part Duh coming this weekend, starting with its history in my corner of the woods (there's a second one in nearby Streetsville) and continuing with a huge bunch of beer reviews, including a couple from our British friends at Fuller's Brewing that just landed in my store, how my Growler Collection continues to grow like vine up an MIT dormitory wall, three unanswered questions from Glenn actually get answered and much more. Oh, and if you don't believe me about Rib Eye Jack's massive beer selection you may just wanna click on this link right here called: Told You It Was Massive!!! And that's just the printed menu. Marie and I were scanning their website there, courtesy of the restaurant's free Wifi and found a whole bunch more that aren't even on here.

But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain, as always...

It's not porn... it's craft beer...

"Stupid laptop!!! Work already!!!" This is me... once again...

Once again, my craptastic laptop has pooched out on me. I bought this Folding Horror of Hard Drive Hell at a Boxing Day Sale at Best Buy on January 3 after trashing my trusty five-year-old Toshiba two days prior with a wayward bottle of Flying Monkeys' Smashbomb Atomic IPA. Turns out just because you write a beer blog and enjoy copious amounts of craft beers, it does not mean your keyboard is equally eager to imbibe, as well. My crappy Asus has now vacationed with the Geek Squad for, I believe, the sixth time. I have instructed the fellows at Geek Squad to leave the repair stickers on the top as proof of its mechanical incompetence. My first two laptops lasted me five years each - this one can barely go two months without kakking out on me. If you asked me which has recently caused me more disdain and anger - ISUS or Asus - trust me, it's a dead heat.

This is how bad I've become. If  I see a pretty
woman drinking a beer, my first thought now is,
"Hmmm, I wonder what kind of beer that is??"

But when my laptop fries, everyone always says the same thing. "Too much porn." (Uhhh, no. In actual fact, it's a hard drive operational malfunction. Again. That thing is Norton-ed up the wazoo.) And frankly, porn holds little interest for me these days as 99.9% of the sites I visit these days involve craft beer. The other 0.1% is me paying bills... so I can afford to go buy more craft beer. The problem with porn is there's not enough exposition. Yeah, sure, she's a "College Girl Having Her First Threesome" but really, what does that tell us? What's her major? What's her dream job? Is she truly prepared to make her mark in the work force? Where did that pizza delivery guy come from? There's a reason these things never win Academy Awards. Their plot-lines are pathetically thin. Also the skeevy guy with the ponytail would never own a house that nice. I have one single buddy whose HD-TV's picture is so clear, he says you can see their parents' shame on their faces when he watches. I went over to watch an NFL game once at his place and he was right. The picture quality for this football game was so damn clear, you could actually see the murder evidence.

Okay, enough of that. My friend, Amy, as she always does, saved my bacon by lending me her old Toshiba. It's clunky, a few years out of date and dammit, it does the job. Amy's a doll and a life-saver. Six times this year. Also Geek Squad just called to say my laptop's hard drive was repaired. "You do back your folders up on your external hard drive, right?" asked the Geek Squader. "Oh, absolutely," I said, meaning that one time two months ago when it last died. Turns out external hard drives are meant to be left plugged in. Who knew?

How hard was Buffalo hit with snow this week? This pic
and dozens more like it were posted on various social
media. This one was posted by  buffalobeergoddesses
- @beergoddesses - and shows good beer being chilled

Okay, before we jump to beer, a quick shout-out to our friends in Buffalo who just got rocked this week with probably the worst snowstorm I've ever seen. How bad was it? Well, the average annual snowfall in Buffalo is 94 inches (2.4 metres). Within a 24-hour period two days ago, Buffalo got hit with 65 inches (1.6 metres) and by the end of the weekend, it's expected the total will hit 84 inches (2.1 metres). In a five day span, they have nearly matched their usual annual amount of snow. That's brutal. So to my Buffalo friends, you hang tough and make sure you have plenty of supplies at home, meaning lots of beer and, I dunno, a couple of loaves of bread or soup or whatever it is that humans eat. There are horror stories of motorists trapped in their cars for 36 hours, being forced to listen to nothing but Nicky Minaj and Taylor Swift songs. That's just wrong on every level. But Buffalo Strong, Buffalo Proud, baby!

Is it Beer O'Clock yet at Brew Ha Ha??? Why, yes, I believe it is. Okay, my young Beer Store coworker, Sassy Cassy, is presently studying Kinesiology at Lakehead University in Thunder Bay, Ontario. But she decided to fly home to visit her folks a few weeks back. And Cassy, being Cassy, decided to bring me a gift - a one-litre (34 ounces) howler of Sleeping Giants Brewing 360 Pale Ale.

They may be Sleeping but this craft
brewery is poised to be the Giant in the
Thunder Bay craft beer community

Now Sleeping Giants have only been in the Northern Ontario town for a few years but clearly, they are making their mark there, positioning themselves closely to both the town's university and Confederation College. College and university students are the driving force behind the craft beer boom and Sleeping Giants knows that well. Their 360 Pale Ale pours a deep dark gold colour with a little grass and fruit on the nose and a malty but piney finish on the tongue. A very nice, highly smooth and drinkable pale ale. Naturally, Cassy fretted about the howler's durability, given the near-freezing temperatures in an airplane's cargo-hold, wrapping it with clothes to protect it. Given her success, she may wish to switch to Smuggling as her major. When she returns at Christmas, I have been promised a howler of their Skullrock Stout because stouts are my Christmas beer. Cassy actually has me pumped for Christmas, which is a feat in itself.

Okay, last year when my store brought in the Granville Island Winter Mingler pack, everyone's favourite was the Lion's Winter Ale. My stepson, Ryan, out in Alberta, concurred. I found it too vanilla-y and said so in the space. Everyone else tastes chocolate. So when I saw single cans of it, I thought, "Well, let's give her a second chance" because mathematically-speaking, there's no way they're all wrong and I'm right. Well, I am still getting strong vanilla on the nose but yeah, there's a nice vanilla, chocolate and caramel finish to it on the tongue that I missed last year. I'll buy some more of these. A pretty good winter beer.

Wasn't bowled over with the St Ambroise
IPA, which is mostly a true malty British style
with just small touches of west coast hoppy

A beer that didn't wow me this week was the St Ambroise (Montreal) India Pale Ale. While it promises all those wonderful extra hops that the British used to get their beers to India intact back in the days of yore on the clipper ships, it doesn't really deliver. Exceptionally dry-tasting for an IPA - an opinion actually offered up by the friend having it with me - its light floral aroma deceives you into thinking this 6.2% beer may have some kick-ass in the glass. Alas, it does not - lightly fruity and mostly malty on the tongue. This is what I like to refer it as a "starter IPA" for those looking to branch out from lagers and pilsners. That said, this brewery makes perhaps the most outstanding Oatmeal Stout I've ever had.

However, on a stronger note, I had a chance to try Parallel 49 Brewing's (Vancouver) Gypsy Tears Ruby Ale this week and speaking as a registered physician (in Thailand only) the prognosis here was positive. Styled after a British bitter (I suspect), it was toasted caramel malt on the nose with some light pine and a hint of spice on the tongue. A solid offering!

The original version of their Coffee Stout,
Sawdust City is now offering up a spiced
version and man, you can feel those spices.
Aye carumba, this is the Tijuana of beers!!!

Let's end this with an out-of-this-world blast, shall we? That means Sawdust City's (Gravenhurst) Red Rocket Coffee Spiced Stout. A slight variation of their 5.5% regular Coffee Stout, this 5.3% version pours coal-black in the glass with a dark brown head. The biggest trick to this is figuring out how many spices you're smelling and tasting. All coffee and I think cayenne on the nose, this is a pepper and chili pepper bomb in your mouth. And it goes tingly - like noticeably tingly - down your throat. Crap on a cross, this is delicious. I don't think you could drink a lot of these because it's actually very hot on the throat but on a cold Winter day, looking outside, especially if you live in Buffalo, this beer will warm you up beautifully.

Okay, as I said to the cowboy, "Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, this is my first rodeo... and why is that angry bull charging towards me?" This means it's time to call it a day here at Brew Ha Ha because 1) I'm about to get gored and 2) those beers in the fridge ain't gonna drink themselves. Next up, we celebrate my buddy Ernie's birthday at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington where the menu has nearly 200 craft beers, both bottled and on tap. Apparently, their food is also delicious but who cares? Also, how the restaurant's young "beer technician" Kylie absolutely schooled me on craft beers. How does a lady that young know this much about craft beers? We'll talk about that in a couple of days. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! As always, I remain...

A biased peek under the Nickel Brook hood...

Every beer you make, every hop you flake, every
thirst you slake, I will bring you cake... Nickel
Brook owner John Romano (background) keeps
a watchful (stalking) eye on Brewmaster Ryan
on his November 4th birthday two weeks ago. 

As Beer Musketeer Glenn is fond of telling me (repeatedly when he's had a few high-test IPA wobblies), I am absolutely spoiled rotten by having an outstanding craft brewer just five minutes away from Donny's Bar and Grill. That would, of course, be Nickel Brook Brewing.

I am not alone. Beer Musketeers Cat and Stevil St Evil are in similar proximity to, respectively, Toronto's Amsterdam Brewing and Wellington, New Zealand's Garage Project (that brewery, run out of a former gas station, has some of the coolest labels I've ever seen!) Only Glenn is stranded in the Craft Brewery No-Flight Zone... but according to everything we've read, he has several coming within a year or two so fingers crossed.

But it's more than just their outstanding beer that makes Nickel Brook aces in my books. I know most of the 30 employees by their first names (they all seem to know me which is something because I'm painfully shy.. *looks around*... heheheh, they totally bought that. Suckers.) But there are tons of little things that makes this craft brewery a shiny diamond in the Burlington rough - rough being a subjective term. We're kind of a comfortable suburban enclave here. So let's take a peek under the Nickel Brook hood, shall we??? And as it is with most businesses, brewery or otherwise, it all flows down from the top.

Under the initiative of Nickel Brook's favourite son, Tony
Cox, specialty food trucks will now be at Nickel Brook
every Saturday. This past Saturday, it was Gorilla Cheese
which was sold out by 3:15 pm, according to Tony...

Owner John Romano, who created the brewery with his brother, Peter, back in 2005, is one of the friendliest, most genial dudes around. I can ask him any question about his business or the industry at large and he will always answer in the most honest way possible. He is a walking, talking No Bull Zone. When he first heard I wrote a beer blog late last year, he went into a back room and came back, holding a bottle of Old Kentucky Bastard Imperial Stout (their Bolshevik Bastard Imperial Stout aged for a year in a Kentucky bourbon barrel). Handing it to me, he said simply, "Blog this." I did - one of the best stouts I've ever had and I have had many - it blew the doors clean off Donny's Bar and Grill. Old Kentucky will be back in circulation in December (because it takes a year to age) and both Cat and Glenn are getting one. Even though they have brought me many, many fine brews over the past year, I believe they will consider this particular beer payment in full. Recently, Nickel Brook changed their logo and John, seeing me fill my growlers one day, said, "What's your shirt size?" I said I was a large and he tossed me a T-shirt, saying with a smile, "Here you go!" Believe me, I wear it often... though mostly because I have no issue wearing dirty laundry. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock...

My main man, Tony, stands behind a skid full of cases
of Bolshevik Bastard Imperial Stout slated for the LCBO

From John, let's look at one of his faithful employees, Tony. Now, of course, as a parent, I know you're never supposed to say who your favoured child is... but Tony is absolutely my favourite Nickel Brook employee, Of course, I keep that to myself. Oh, shit... I just typed that out loud, didn't I? People who think I'm obsessed with Batman, please meet Tony. The word in the industry is that Tony once asked his girlfriend who would win in a fight - Batman or Superman? When she correctly answered Batman, he proposed and they remain happily married to this day. (I've actually met his wife - she's very sweet.) But when I showed up one day for a growler refill with my boy, Tony found out it was David's birthday and gave us the Nickel (Brook) Tour. David loved all the shiny equipment which Tony happily and patiently explained to him. Tony's family lives in Saskatoon and as a collective has decided to hold Christmas In July. Why? "Have you ever been in Saskatoon in December?" he smiled. Hint: It's cold. Like Siberia cold. When he returned last Summer, he told me about his visit to Paddock Wood Brewing, the city's best-known craft brewer who greeted him with that typical Canadian West warmth. And yes, they know Nickel Brook very well there, he noted with no small amount of pride.

Give a man a tractor, he'll either plow the fields or use it
to snow-plow their own lot. Yes, Nickel Brook Brewing,
miles from farm country, has a snow-plowing tractor...
Here, Dale fires up that bad boy, waiting for the snow.

But one of Tony's strengths is that he goes that extra step. When someone gifted him a couple of tiny, spindly-looking hop plants, he planted them both - they were like little Baby Groots - and guy-wired them to the brewery roof. Each week when I came for growler refills (once, twice... three times... don't judge!), I checked them out. Each week, they grew another foot. By the end, the hops were huge and the vines had reached the roof. It was a fun Botany project for Tony, little more, but I checked them religiously every week (or yeah, smaller time increments - shut up!) Tony has since stepped it up, deciding (with John's blessing) that specialty food trucks - a staple at every craft beer festival I've attended - that should grace Nickel Brook's parking lot now that it's off-season. So every Saturday, one finds its way to the Nickel Brook parking lot. First up on November 1 was Jonny Blonde with its fire-grilled meats and specialty sauces. I promised I would be there but on Halloween night, well, I partied until 5:30 a.m. and missed it. How did it go? The truck was there from 11 am to 4 pm but, well, he ran out of food before 3 pm. The owner, Jonny Blonde himself, told Tony, "Thank you so much. You just paid my rent!" I was there on Saturday for Gorilla Cheese, which makes anything but ordinary grilled cheese sandwiches (sold out by 3:15 pm) and this Saturday (November 22) will be Frankie Fettuccine, the Oakville-based Italian food specialty truck. This is all Tony. It's off-season for food trucks. Tony decided there was no off-season and man, these trucks at Nickel Brook are bringing them in like it's a Pearl Jam concert. He's a clever one, that Tony... though well, I mentioned the Batman thing, right?

Within a couple of weeks, I will be able to
buy more Old Kentucky Bastard Imperial
Stout after its annual bottling is complete. 

That brings me to wise-cracking dude, Dale. Now, I'm not sure what Dale's position is there. He's a little older than the young employees running amuck in the place like it's an Adult Day Care so if I had to guess, I'd say he's probably a de facto manager in John's absence. But he's also a funny mofo. I took my two Nickel Brook and one Cameron's Brewing growlers in for a Headstock IPA fix one day. Holding my Cameron's growler high above his head, he joked, "What? Traitor! I can't fill this!!!" John, tucked off to the side, quipped, "It's our product. If he brings in an old boot, we'll take his cash!" But Dale remained undeterred, insisting the 'slight' be addressed. Finding a blank spot between the writing on both sides of the Cameron's growler, he carefully placed a round Nickel Brook sticker there and proclaimed, "Okay, now I can fill it! We have ownership of it now." But he's also super-knowledgeable about their beers. When he sold me a couple of Old Kentucky Bastard Imperial Stouts last year, he suggested, "Buy some extras and keep them in the basement. They get better with age." When I told him I lived in a two-storey apartment and thus had no basement, he looked at me quizzically and said, "Where do you keep the dead bodies, then? In some cheesy storage space? That's just wrong, man!"

Nickel Brook's funky new logo adorns my funky new T-Shirt...

When Nickel Brook recently brought in their own tractor to plow their own snow in their parking lot this Winter, I helped Dale chain the blade a foot off the ground. Looking on from the sidelines (as he does - dude's a freakin' ninja), owner John cracked, "I bet Beau's (All-Natural Brewing) doesn't even have their own tractor!" Beau's, of course, operates out of the tiny Northern Ontario farming community of Vankleek Hill and their best-seller, Lug-Tread Lagered Ale is actually named after the indentations left behind in the mud by a tractor's wheels. And for the sake of research, I'll Twitter them to ask but yeah, I bet they don't own a tractor. I know I don't.

So long story short... Glenn is right. I am totally spoiled. Not only does my craft brewer make excellent beers, its employees actually make you feel like, well, part of the family - its crazy, dysfunctional, insane but well-meaning family. Back to beer in a few days. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain...

Drivers' theories and Sandi's French finds

Toronto Maple Leaf star Phil Kessel whoops it up after
scoring a goal. According to one driver, the better the
Maple Leafs do, the better his brewery and local bars do!

One of the coolest aspects of my job at the Beer Store is talking to the brewery delivery drivers. To a man, they all love to talk which works well for me because I love to ask questions - about their brewery, other breweries, secrets within the brewing industry. Granted, except for a select few, none of them know my Journalism background and, well, thirst about learning new (and sometimes secret) things about my favourite subject in Adult Day School - Everything Beer-And-Brewery-Related.

But last week's Molson driver, who I've seen a few times, had an interesting hockey-Molson's theory. I wish I could tell you his name - we introduced ourselves over a year ago and while he remembers my name, I have forgotten his. Now we're past the point where I can ask him his name because it's embarrassing to admit I've forgotten it. This happens to me often in real life, too. So when I see him once every few months, I happily chirp, "Dude! How are you? Been a while!" And away we go. But the last time he was in, my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs were in the middle of a three-game winning streak and even as a Detroit Red Wing fan, that made him happy... which is bloody odd.

Well, Newcastle Brown Ale's motto is
"No bollocks!" and in this case, they are
correct. They are most definitely between
the Sly Fox Pilsner and the Sawtooth Ale

In Canada, you do not cheer for another man's team. But he noted that the Leafs' success helped his brewery. Why is that, I asked? "Because when the Leafs are winning, people head out to the bars in large groups to watch the game and cheer them on, instead of staying home to watch the game." Since many bars are heavily Molson-oriented on tap, that helps his brewery too, he noted, as well as the bar industry itself. "I think what I like best is that a Leaf winning streak really helps the smaller, local, mom-and-pop bars. Those are the ones you want to see thrive," he added. Molson's is pretty much the "official beer" of every Canadian NHL team so that's a pretty interesting theory and upon reflection, one that's actually quite believable. So that Red Wing fan taught this Leaf fan something new. For the first time in history. Yeah, the other Red Wing fans I know? I'm happy they can tie their shoes and I know for a fact, some of them use velcro fasteners. Just sayin'...

There are other aspect of work I enjoy, such as the fact Human Resources constantly monitors my behaviour to rewrite the rule book on appropriate work behaviour. The last one - "Use of the shoulder-height jerk-off motion to mock someone is now strictly prohibited." I tell you, I feel like I've won an award every time! But hey, let's keep this to the beloved brewery drivers. Vince, my main man from Steam Whistle, is always a welcome visitor. With his long curly red hair and shock-red beard, I call him the Ginger Jesus. Great guy who brings his dog, "Paul from Shipping" on his rounds in the truck cab.

When Sandi visited a Quebec Depanneur
store to buy me some beer, the clerk
suggested the Le Castor Brewing's India
Session Ale and their Pit Caribou Black
IPA. Mr Store Clerk, I salute you, sir!!!

Vince and his girlfriend recently returned from a two-week European vacation, stopping in Germany for a bit of Oktoberfest and then off to the Czech Republic. So what does the Steam Whistle driver and drinker imbibe while in Europe? "Pretty much the same German and Czech beers you sell here," he noted, "except they're way better over there." And why would that be, I asked. "Well, the European beers you sell spends weeks on a boat getting to North America and then gets tied up at Customs and after that, has to be distributed across the countries over more weeks. Over there, I'm drinking it on tap and it probably landed in the bar directly from the brewery the day before. It's as fresh as it gets."

I think Vince hit the spigot on the head. My co-worker Saga and I had a theory after he returned from France, where ironically he is visiting as we speak. He absolutely loved the Kronenbourg 1664 over there. When he returned, he bought some here and didn't enjoy it nearly as much. Our theory at the time was that European brewers changed the exports tastes to suit North American commercial beer drinkers' tastes. We were idiots, especially Saga, who should know better. No one expects intelligent theories from me. I'm far too busy helping rewrite the HR Handbook. It's the freshness factor. But I want to add one more - it's also the fresh draft factor. Case in point, Molson's makes the Rickard line in Canada with the line's biggest seller being Rickards Red. Now I very much love red ales but have never fancied it in bottle or cans, much preferring their porter, Rickards Dark. But if I see it in a bar and it's the best choice, I will drink it happily. Why? To me, it tastes much better as a draft. Why? Beats the hell out of me - maybe because drafts are unpasteurized - but I know this much, it's wayyyy better on tap. There are two things I do not argue with: 1) my tastebuds and 2) every single woman on Earth. I'm smart that way and also a bit cowardly. I don't tempt danger.

There was one thing missing from the Tree
Brewing Jumpin' Jack India Pumpkin Ale.
Something key, actually. The pumpkin taste.
Not saying that's good but hey, also not bad

Okay, let's talk beer. Hmmm, I suppose I have been but let's get to specific beers. Sandi, my upstairs neighbour in the sprawling luxury complex that houses Donny's Bar and Grill, was recently in Quebec and decided to bring me back a couple of beers. After Banff, Alberta, which is nestled in the Rocky Mountains and perhaps the most beautiful town on Earth, my absolute favourite place in Canada is old Quebec City. Not sure Sandi landed anywhere near Quebec City because that's irrelevant. No, the important thing is Sandi got me beer. Remember that travelling readers, your trip has two purposes - 1) enjoy your stay and 2) get Brew-Ha-Ha some beer. Every single travel guide in the world says so. No need to check. It's true. But here's the trick - Sandi is a wine drinker so what can she do to help me? Well, she is also very clever so she enlisted the help of the clerk at the Depanneur store (French for convenience store) to aim her in the right direction, armed simply with the knowledge, "Donny loves him some IPA goodness."

As cartoon cowboy Yosemite Sam would say, great thunderin' horny toads, did she hit the jackpot! She stuck with regional Quebec beers, which is perfect. No point in bringing me home beers I can get here.

Two beers I have been dying to talk about.
So you know what? Let's do exactly that!

La Castor Brewing out of Rigaud, Quebec, certainly has some high scores on RateBeer. So the first one was their Houblon India Session Ale, which clocks in at 4.3%. Out of the gate, this might be the best session IPA I've ever had and I am including the Founders Brewing (Grand Rapids, Michigan) All-Day IPA, the previous champ. Citrus and floral on the nose, the pine and bitterness on the tongue gives this the same punch as a 6-7% IPA. Outstanding brew! Next up was a collaborative effort between Le Castor and Microbrasserie Pit Caribou (Quebec City) with their 7% 30-Cent Black IPA. Black IPAs are notoriously hit-and-miss with me. Yeah, this one hits. Pouring a deep brown rather than black (maybe... I'm colourblind), this is pine and caramel on the nose, more pine and a touch of molasses on the tongue. Certainly a different, lighter kind of Black IPA but one I really enjoyed! So Sandi, thank you - you done good!!! More Quebec breweries are in my sights now, particularly La Castor.

Okay, remember when I had the Nickel Brook Pissed Off Pete's Pumpkin Porter, loved it and said, "Okay, no more pumpkin beers this year! Let's go out on a winning note with this whole stupid pumpkin beer genre"??

How most stupid pumpkin beers make
me feel. It's a very ridiculous beer fad

Yeah, well, I saw the Tree Brewing Jumpin' Jack India Pumpkin Ale and well, a 6.5% pumpkin IPA??? I moved quicker to grab one than a teenage girl untagging herself from an unflattering Facebook photo. It was like Tree Brewing (Kelowna, BC) had me in the sights and said, "Let's screw this dude over." So, okay, two pumpkin beers this year. First thing I noticed? Zero pumpkin on the nose but some certainly nutmeg and cinnamon, key ingredients in pumpkin pie. On the tongue, I got really light pumpkin... but only if I thought of pumpkin. It was that mild. But still some spice and grapefruit on the tongue which, well, kind of null and voids the pumpkin but stays true to the IPA. So in the end, what do we have? A pumpkin beer that I don't wanna pour down the drain (like most) but one that wasn't, well, all that pumpkiny. (Look at me, inventing words.)

Okay, two more that both co-worker Marie and I both quaffed from our friends at Hop City Brewing in Brampton - their Big Mouth Tap Room Pale Ale and their Lawn Chair Classic Weisse wheat beer. These are decent offerings, certainly (RateBeer marks be damned). The problem with the Big Mouth is that Ontario has so many outstanding craft brewery pale ales that you really have to bring your A-Game. This doesn't. I like it but... Light floral and orange on the nose, mild fruit on the tongue, it's not gonna bowl you over. The Lawn Chair was a better effort, I thought, with banana and herbs on the nose and light fruit on the tongue. It won't knock out a heavy hitter like Underdog Brewery's (Oshawa) All or Nothing Hopfenweisse but a solid summery wheat beer. This one both Marie and I quite enjoyed.

Okay, next up is some Nickel Brook shenanigans, an answer to the question "Does Guinness brew other beers?", what Sassy Cassy brought me from Thunder Bay, what Marie brought me from Walkerville Brewery and why the beer I'm having right now tastes a lot like I'm gonna text you later. But, guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain, as always...

The After-Math of the DB&G Craft Beer Fest

Up against the Stone-Heretic-Beachwood collaborative Unapologetic IPA,
that Coor Lights was battered and beaten. Having the Philadelphia Flyers'
koozie didn't help. But Glenn wanted to know, "Why does Captain America
look at me so angrily?" Because you smuggled beer across the border, dude!!!

When all those folks gathered at Donny's Bar and Grill on October 25 for the First Annual Mid-Autumn Night's Decadent Dangerous Craft Beer Festival, one of the best things was that Beer Musketeer Glenn landed on the patio hours before others.

You see, Glenn and I have a ton of history. We met at Journalism School a million years ago, were room-mates while working on some back-water Northern Ontario newspaper (I can't even remember what the town's name was because I did one of those clever mind-wipe things where I learn new stuff and it pushes older, nastier stuff out of my brain) and for a good stretch there, we worked freelance at the same magazines east of Toronto (his turf, not mine).

Most of those magazines, owned by some big chain, were as boring as hell, as I'm sure Glenn would admit as well. Business crap, mostly - "fluffy bunny" stories where you held your nose to avoid the stench and took the cheque. If you asked me what stories the pair of us wrote a decade ago, I'd be surprised if either of us could remember. But there was one magazine, Joe, that we both enjoyed writing for.

Burlington's Rib-Eye Jack's restaurant, which specializes
in craft beers, have this pretty young waitress who, on
Halloween, decided to dress up as the beautiful cartoon
model on the label of Nickel Brook's Naughty Neighbour
American Pale Ale. I pretty much love her for doing this.

You see, Joe was a men's magazine but here's the twist. We had a very nice female editor who had no idea what dudes wanna read about and, well, pitching story ideas to her was like lobbing softballs at the San Francisco Giants. Everything was pretty much gonna get hit out of the park. Given that, Glenn and I wrote whatever we wanted whenever we wanted. One time, I said to her, "You know, urinal etiquette is pretty key to guys." Obviously, she was confused so I explain how guys pick urinals based on the maximum space between other guys using them and never ever ever, you know, check out the competition. It's a courtesy thing, really. Men are, on occasion, capable of courtesy. I got the green-light, wrote the story, got paid and within seconds, the magazine shut down and it never saw print. I would curse the gods but a much larger Canadian men's magazine, distributed nationally, took the bait and printed it. So I got paid twice for the same story ($500 the second time)... on how to take a proper piss in a public washroom. Every time I think my life couldn't get any weirder, something new steps up to the plate with a hot bat.

But every time Glenn and I get together, he always brings up the one story I wrote for Joe that was actually requested by the female editor. And *heavy sigh* that would be the one on erectile dysfunction.

At the 2013 Toronto Comic Con. I know you're
thinking, "Holy crap, is that Glenn with Hugh
Jackman??" No, it's just me... bearing my claws...
Understandable. The resemblance is uncanny.

But her request was specific. "Do it that way you like to write! Make it funny!" Because guys suffering from it are probably laughing their asses off, right? Okay then, lady, one knee-slapper on limp noodles coming up. I dove head-first into Google, got quotes from a prominent physician at Toronto's Canadian Men's Clinic... but I needed more help to make it, you know, funny. So I enlisted two of my bros, Bill and Greg, to give me every funny name they knew for male genitalia. Within 24 hours, I was emailed over 100 different names by the pair. Among those that landed in the story: Trouser Torpedo, Commander Kielbasa, Johnny Hancock, Heat-Seeking Missile, Bald-Headed Champ, Monty Python, Steely Dan and of course, the always-popular Mr Happy. I swear Glenn will never forget that story. And because of that, it seems I'm consigned to remember it forever, as well - 10 years after the fact. Maybe 500 people tops read that story... and Glenn had to be one of them.

But I came here not to bury Caesar (that would be Glenn) but to praise him for the beers he smuggled from the United States to Canada on the very day of the Mid Autumn Night's Decadent Dangerous Craft Beer Festival. Stone Brewing out of Escondido, California is pretty much neck-and-neck with Rogue Spirits and Ales out of Newport, Oregon as my favourite American craft brewers. And Glenn knows my Achille's Heel. Bastardo!!!

Is this Ruination Double IPA on steroids, as Stone claims?
No, Ruination Double IPA on steroids is still Ruination. Yes,
it's that good. However, this is a damn fine variation on it...

Let's start with the collaborative Stone Brewing-Beachwood Brewing-Heretic Brewing Unapologetic Double IPA. Wanna know why it's unapologetic? Because beers that kick this much ass don't apologize. You kneel before them and chant, "We are not worthy" a la Wayne's World. All three breweries are hop-crazy so well, welcome to Donny's wheelhouse! This 9%, 90 IBU (international bitterness units) had both of us begging for mercy. Floral and much pine on the nose, tons of tropical fruit on the tongue, this one kicked us both in the nards. Fortunately, much like my liver, mine are made with Kevlar. Poor Glenn, though.

Now, here's where I got a little, well, sketchy. Glenn was still at Donny's Bar and Grill the following morning after the Craft Beer Fest. Even after I brought my boy home from a swim meet in the early afternoon, he was still on my couch.

Stone's 18 Anniversary IPA is, well, 18 'till I die good!
As Glenn and I have noted, they can brew no wrong!

I have zero problem with that. Donny's Bar and Grill is always open to wayward craft-beer-drinking travellers and that will never change. But there was a lot of Stone's finest still in my fridge and well, I wanted it to stay there. So Glenn, after being watered and fed, was sent off with two growlers filled with Nickel Brook's Headstock IPA. One of those belonged to Beer Musketeer Cat, who forgot to take it home. But I knew the more Headstock that left my casa, the more Stone would remain for me. Headstock IPA is a five minute drive for me - Stone's best, a much farther drive.

So I was left with a few Ruination Double IPAs (my next wife as soon as they legalize man-beer weddings), as well as a few other trinkets like the Stone Ruin 10 IIPA. This beer bills itself as Stone Ruination IIPA on steroids? Is it? Oh hellz no. You do not beat Ruination. You sit in the seat beside it and be thankful you're finally allowed at the adult table. That said, this is almost as perfect a beer as Ruination. First brewed in 2012 to celebrate Ruination's 10th anniversary, the beer certainly carries a bigger stick at 10.8% and 100 IBUs but honestly, you get to a certain point where even your tastebuds are screaming, "Yes, it's excellent! They're all excellent!!!"

Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, brewed out of Chico, California,
(well, that's close to Nevada, I suppose) is one of the
stronger pale ales I've had recently which says something

Aroma was citrus and pine, taste was bitter and hoppy as hell... yes, come to Poppa! The same can be said for the Stone 18th Anniversary Double IPA, which celebrated the brewery's birthday. Very dark brown in the glass, at 8.5% and 75 IBU, it's a little lighter tasting than its Stone brethen but still a solid .300 hitter. Sweet fruit and malt on the nose, nutty and orange on the tongue, another winner from those guys.

Okay, enough throwing of Stones... let's look at what else was in my gift-bag. Ah yes, Three Heads Brewery out of Rochester, New York. gave me my first ever triple IPA with their Tre Kind. So what's a triple IPA like? Well, a lot like Stone's double IPAs... except not quite as good.

I was praying at least one of my friends would get dressed up on
Halloween as Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy. My old pal,
Dan The Man, stepped up and created this costume on his own!!!

Don't get me wrong, it is good... damn good, actually. But to be honest, it's gonna suffer next to the Stone beers. Most beers would. But this 10%, 100 IBU beers was certainly not without its charms. Both sweet and piney on the nose (am I smelling pine in everything because it's Autumn?), it was malty, citrus and bitter on the tongue. Damn good brew.

And finally, let's drag me kicking and screaming away from all these IPAs with a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Weighing in at 5.6% and 37 IBU, it was almost a relief to drink this after the punishment my tastebuds got with all those double and triple IPAs. I love a good pale ale and this is one of the best I've encountered in my travels. The Cascade hops (citrusy) are strong in the aroma, lightly floral and mildly spiced on the tongue. Winnah, winnah, chicken dinner! A very nice brew.

Okay, I gotta wrap this up because it's taken me days to write this. Autumn in Canada is a very distracting time because it's my favourite season - the leaves changing colour, the brisk air, the ladies in much-appreciated slutty Hallloween costumes. It's all good. But that, in a nutshell, was the Craft Beer Alcoholocaust that Glenn smuggled back to Canada in his smelly-ass car trunk.

Next up, what Sandi brought me from Quebec, La Belle Province (that's French for pretty or smokin' hot... or something) and so many others that I don't know where to begin. But hey, guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain, as always...