What beers would The Avengers drink?

Yeah, sure, the Mighty Thor looks like he's drinking
a regular beer here in the first Thor documentary.
But I know what drink the God of Thunder prefers

Okay, here's one for the comic geeks, moreso than the beer geeks. I recently saw the summer blockbuster The Avengers: Age of Ultron. (Actually, I saw it twice because I wanted to be certain that the heroes did save the Earth. They did. We're fine.)

Out of courtesy (which I seldom show), I'm gonna give you a Spoiler Alert right now. If you haven't seen this gonna-win-Best-Picture-Oscar flick, I am about to reveal key plot points. But the fact is, if you haven't seen this movie yet, you have little interest in how these superheroes saved your butt (and thus, thanks for nothing because the terrorist robots win) so I don't care that I'm playing spoiler here. If you have seen it, I'm telling you nothing new. We have likely regaled their victory (they're two-and-oh playing Save The Earth now) in a bar somewhere. Maybe even chowed down on some shawarma to celebrate.

But back to the movie, which opened with these Avengers ransacking the villainous lair of Baron Strucker (a rare Nazi left-over not hiding in Brazil or Argentina) to recover Loki's Sceptre, a nasty-bad weapon best not left in the hands of Nazis, now called the much-less-offensive Hydra. Because it's all about brand marketing, right?

Now the Black Widow is Russian so she thinks beer is for
small Russian children and American frat boys. However,
when it's time for "revels", she compromises with a beer

So anyway, after one of our heroes, Iron Man, finds the sceptre ("Be a secret door. Be a secret door." *Wall slides open* "Yay!"), these Avengers fly back to their New York City HQ where Thor suggests that due to their victory, they have "revels". That's demi-god-speak for party-time. And when the Norse God of Thunder says it's time for revels, guess what? Bring on the beer! But the thing is these guys and gals are super-heroes so they won't be drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon or Bud Light. Not with billionaire Tony Stark bankrolling them. No, this is a Craft Beer Crowd all the way.

Let's start with my favourite, Thor himself. So why do I like this dude? Well, lessee, he has a kick-ass enchanted hammer named Mjolnir, speaks as though Shakespeare raised him rather than Odin and he commands lightning from the sky. Also, women seem to really like this guy, making them unexpected fans of hammers? Who knew? I mean, hell, I have a hammer. Where's the love?

There can be only one beer that Captain America
would drink - a very patriotic lager from Boston

Now let's remember that the ancient Norse Gods go so far back that they were worshipped by the Vikings themselves. We're talking Middle Ages here so forget the beer and give the Thunder God a Trafalgar Ales' Mead Braggot. The basic ingredients of fermented honey, water and yeast with some malts and hops added later in the mix - a concoction to please the ancient gods. Sure, it gets pasted on RateBeer but Thor? He hath little time for the opinions of mortals. And frankly, if you think present day society is violent, Thor thinks the 13th Century would hath words with thee.

Let's move on to the beautiful assassin, the Black Widow, who's Russian and likely equates beer to soda pop. Yeah, we're gonna need something high-test for this lethal lady. I think Amsterdam Brewing's Fracture Imperial IPA may be well-suited. Why? Well, at 9% and 115 IBUs (international bitterness unit), like her, it's not shy on punch. But really, if the Black Widow does one thing well, it's fracturing things - bad guys' jaws, bad guys' skulls, bad guys' knees - you get the idea.

♫ Iron Man, Iron Man... does whatever an iron
can... ♫ Well, I doubt Tony Stark irons much...

That takes us to Captain America, our clean-cut, please-don't-swear moral heart of the team. I'd like to pair him with a Canadian brew but, well, no can do. This guy is clearly a Samuel Adams' Boston Lager drinker. Samuel Adams was a leader in the American Revolution and Captain America leads America in the fight versus Hydra and evil robots. The dude is so wholesomely American, he makes Samuel Adams look like Benedict Arnold.

The three Iron Man movies have made it clear that Tony Stark is a Scotch drinker. So much so that in the first Avengers, he brazenly offered it to Loki, the villainous half-brother of Thor, in an "Hey, evil god, have some Scotch" kind of goodwill gesture. Now, the only thing I know about Scotch is that it's supposed to be really good if it's old enough to order its own Scotch. With that in mind, I would serve him an outstanding Scotch Ale, the one being made by Highlander Brewing (South River, Ontario). I figure that ought to earn me some high-tech, missile-shooting armor. Hopefully, you'll seeing me flying over Burlington, defending my turf from evil robots very soon.

That brings us to the group's least-powered hero, the archer Hawkeye, who has the movie's best line: "The city is flying, we're fighting an army of robots... and I have a bow and arrow." Yeah, armies of robots are a bitch.

Hawkeye is totally a pale ale kind of guy.
Hooking him up with a beer was easy.

I like that he knows his relative limitations - he's basically Robin Hood hanging with gods, super-soldiers and flying metal men. But there is an very relatable Every-Man mentality to this guy. For starters, if you know how to throw a punch and are good with a bow and arrow, you could be Hawkeye, the Ringo Starr of the Hero Crowd. Well, an Every-Man kind of hero gets a craft beer crowd-pleaser and that's Nickel Brook's Naughty Neighbour American Pale Ale. At 4.9%, this will not throw off his aim but nonetheless delivers some hoppy goodness. He would not be aiming those explosive arrows at me any time soon.

Which brings me to the team's strongest member, the Incredible Hulk. A fierce Doctor Banner-Mister Hyde figure, I'm giving him something big-time and strong. That would be Sawdust City's Long Dark Journey to Uranus Imperial Stout. At 9% and 70 IBUs, this very black, very strong heavy-duty stout might just be enough to sooth the savage beast, so to speak. If not, hell, it's kinda fun when he turns into a huge, green, rage monster, albeit one who knows how to fly a plane by the movie's end? (A wee plot hole but again, the movie wants to to believe that Norse demi-gods exist among us so...)

Black Oak's 10 Bitter Years IIPA is a
damn good beer but it's their Epiphany
No. 2 Imperial Pilsner that got all of my
attention when I got these bad boys home

And finally the villain himself, the sentient evil robot Ultron. What was his deal? Well, when his artificial intelligence first sparked and he became alive, the first thing he did was plug into the internet. After just three short hours on the net, he decided humanity had to die. Probably had a lot to do with vague "I can't believe she said that to me" Facebook statuses, Twitter bitching and countless cat pictures. I mean, really, can you blame him - he has a pretty valid point. Well, since he's a robot and Pennzoil doesn't make beer, how about a Neustadt Springs Brewing (Neustadt, Ontario) 10W30 Brown Ale, a dark British style mild, made with New Zealand hops and imported specialty malts. A few of those and maybe he'll chill out. Probably start posting pics of baby robots on Facebook with captions like, "We will kill you all... hahaha, just kidding."

Before we move onto other matters, someone at work asked me why Batman wasn't in the movie and suddenly he got a terrible case of food poisoning. Imagine that. What are the odds?

Now that we've dealt with what those guys would drink, what has been in my countless beer glasses recently? (The beer glass supply is not infinite - I've just never counted them before, hence they are countless...) Well, folks, this is the week that IPAs finally take a back-seat to other styles here at Brew Ha Ha - it was bound to happen eventually.

Grand River Brewing in Cambridge
continues to impress, this time with
their 5.6% Pugnacious Pale Ale...

For starters, it was a week of oak-aged, barreled goodness as Nickel Brooks' Tony Cox handed me an Innis & Gunn Toasted Oak IPA. Two days later, a customer at the Beer Store passed along an Innis & Gunn Original, a bottle of their Rum Finish Ale, as well as their Spiced Rum Finish Ale. Why? Wasn't his kind of beer. It is certainly mine as my Scottish half jumped to the fore. Had them all before and have chronicled about them all in this space so I will just say this. I think you could age Bud Light in a rum or bourbon barrel for a year and something tasty (well, okay, tastier) would come out.

Well, Sassy Cassy is back in town after her school stint at Lakehead University in Thunder Bay and gawd bless this wee spitfire, she never comes home empty-handed. This time, she brought Sleeping Giant Brewery's Hoppet IPA and Coffee Vanilla Porter. The Hoppet, a solid outing at 6% and 70 IBU, has some nice citrus on the nose and grapefruit on the tongue. Were I in Thunder Bay, I would growler this up. But, to paraphrase Thor, I say thee nay, tis the Coffee Vanilla Porter which doth knock mine socks off.

Walkerville Brewery recently won a Silver
Creativity International Award for the branding
of their Ale and Lager, which reflected the history
of the brewery during Prohibition. The Honest
Lager is a nod to the pure ingredients used by
founder Hiram Walker while the Loophole Ale
refer to booze baron J.S. Cooper, the town's
"Honest Bootlegger" who used loopholes in the
strict liquor law to legally fill liquor orders.

All coffee on the nose, it seems like strictly coffee on the tongue as well until the vanilla slowly makes a guest appearance. This is probably the best porter I've had this year. Well done, Sleeping Giant!

Co-worker Marie recently returned from one of her gambling junkets at Caesars' Windsor and she, too, did not return empty-handed, carting along some Walkerville Brewery Geromino IPA and Amber Lager. Though 6.3%, the IPA clocks in at a somewhat low 55 IBU, meaning it won't scalp you but still some light grapefruit on the nose followed by more of the same on the tongue. With less bite, it's something of an IPA Junior, a transition beer for those looking to step up. But it was the Amber Lager that caught my attention this time. Now this was a treat. The malts give it a nice caramel scent on the nose and its slightly bitter finish lets you know they didn't forget the hops. Like the aforementioned porter, this is one of the better lagers I've had this season.

I have had Black Oaks' 10 Bitter Years Imperial IPA countless times - loved it, praised it here. But it's their limited release Epiphany No. 2 Imperial Pilsner I wanna talk about today. This is like a nice Czech-style pilsner... on steroids. At 7.7%, it has tons of kick, an aroma of citrus (just like an IPA) and some really nice light spiciness on the tongue. I loved it! Like the previous two culprits, it truly caught my attention.

No, no, no, Sawdust City, I told you to give the Hulk your
Long Dark Voyage To Uranus Imperial Stout, NOT the
Long Dark Voyage to Uranus SPICED Imperial Stout.
Even the Hulk can't take that much spiciness. Too
much "muy caliente" for even the big green guy...

Well, how about tiny Grand River Brewing in Cambridge? Here's another solid offering from them, their Pugnacious Pale Ale. Not nearly as hoppy as other pale ales (though a solid 45 IBU), the 4.5% session ale is perfect for the patio. Lightly fruity (apples?) on the nose, there is a lightly bitter, toasty malt on the tongue. Another strong outing for this tiny brewery.

Well, that's it for both the Avengers and beer at this little pow-wow. Now you know what beers the Avengers would drink because hey, this stuff's important. Well, to comic geeks... and maybe beer geeks. What can I say? I have played a lot of Tetris so yeah, I'm a problem solver.

Next up, how did Denmark's Mikkeller become the biggest and best-known contract brewer in Europe and for that matter, how does a gypsy brewer crank out so many outstanding and truly funky beers? But that's next time. So guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! Until next time, I remain...