If I stop drinking stouts, does Winter stop too?

Ommegang Brewery's Take The Black Stout: the second
in their Game of Thrones line. I eagerly await their next
offering: Kill That Little Shit King Joffrey Blonde Lager

Someone recently told me, "Man, your life is like one long beer commercial..."

Not at all really. In beer commercials, ridiculously beautiful people drink regular commercial fare brews. Nothing wrong with that - I did that for years. But in my world, things are a little different. Those dudes in the commercials with the six-pack abs? Yeah, those gym-rats are fools because their rock-hard abs are exposed and unprotected. You see, I have wicked six-pack abs, too... but I wisely keep mine safely protected underneath an extra-thick coating of special beer "muscle" that I got from a copious amount of six packs of a different sort. Do I even lift? Hey, bub, I do some wicked glass-to-mouth curls that you won't see in your Fancy Dan gyms (but can observe readily at the bar next door). Those happy fun-loving girls in bikinis drinking that beer? Yeah, instead of them playing beach volleyball in my living room, I have a Persian cat that was given to me recently who leaves bloody cat hair everywhere. I really like her (she purrs a lot) but she's a sad substitute to those commercial bikini girls. But honest to gawd, if a member of the Bikini Squad showed up at Donny's Bar and Grill, I'd be more inclined to hand her a vacuum and say, "See if you have more luck than me getting this damn cat hair off the couch." But the biggest difference of all: in those commercials, you'll never actually see someone drink a beer. In a nutshell, that's pretty much the polar opposite of my life.

Lake of Bays Old North Mocha Porter
on a severe angle. I better rescue it from
tipping over and leaving a mess here...

And speaking of polar, through this nasty season that many in the know are calling a Polar Vortex (Ahhhh, that's adorable. I remember way back last year when we called it what it was - WINTER IN CANADA!), I have been padding my protective layer of "muscle" with countless stouts and porters, almost all of which are well over 200 calories per serving, high alcohol, damn tasty and heavier than Honey Boo Boo's momma. One of my most recent was Brewery Ommegang's Game Of Thrones Take The Black Stout, the second offering the Cooperstown, New York craft brewery has released honouring the HBO hit TV show.

Was it good? Is Jon Snow the bastard son of King Eddard???? Much to my surprise, I didn't get hints of chocolate from the aroma coming off the deep brown head. I got coffee and either figs or raisins (not sure which). A touch of chocolate to the taste but also dark fruit... I'm thinking black cherry. It comes in a 750ml bottle with a cork and wire cage and while I don't like the word 'hero', I used my bare hands to savagely rip off that cage, uncork that bottle and free that 8%, 210 calorie beer from its captivity. Put THAT in your next book, George LL Martin! Also please don't kill me off. Especially the way the Stark family bought it at a not-so-friendly wedding.

Want heaps and heaps of chocolate with your beer? Well,
Flying Monkey's The Chocolate Manifesto Chocolate Milk
Stout at your service. Maybe the best dessert beer ever.

Next on deck was Lake of Bays Old North Mocha Porter. Want to know the difference between a porter and a stout? Drink them one after the other like I did... and again remember, I don't like the word 'hero'. I do this for you. I simply reap the benefits of the research. Even though I used to lump the two styles together pretty much as one, porters are lighter in hue, taste and weight. If stouts are Winter beers, porters are late-Autumn beers. Some porters, especially one that pours with a pure white head like this, might even somewhat closer akin to dark lagers, according to my taste buds and alcohol content as this measures in at 5.2%. That said, long-time listener, first-time caller... big fan of the Porter Show. The Mocha Porter's nose is coffee and more coffee followed by a - surprise - strong mocha taste with some nods to dark fruits. Didn't knock me on my well-padded ass (again, rock-solid muscle with softer protective beer muscle casing) but indeed a very solid beer. But as you'll see, it has the misfortune of being surrounded by two exceptional stouts so some tough competition for ANY porter on this day.

Straight from San Diego, Green Flash Brewing's
West Coast IPA. Definitely in the top grouping!

And finally, I think I may have stumbled across the world's most perfect dessert beer - Flying Monkeys' The Chocolate Manifesto Triple Chocolate Milk Stout. Okay, this 10% cocoa bomb is outstanding. People, (ladies especially), it smells exactly like chocolate cake. I'm not joking. The notion is to either complement or contrast your food with appropriate beers - my personal belief has always been complement is better. That said, while I wasn't eating dessert when I had this (technically, it was my dessert), I could certainly imagine doing exactly that. The taste, again, heavy on the chocolate but you know those cherry-and-brandy-in-chocolate treats you get at Christmas? There was a wee hint of that, too. Good lord, this beer was delicious. Its high alcohol makes it a sharing beer (I didn't because the cat didn't want any - also, she didn't ask) but I can't imagine anything more worth sharing at the dessert table. I imagine like many specialty stouts, this is likely seasonal so snag one if you see it and tuck it away at the back of the fridge for when guests come over. A hidden treasure. I'm having another right now... so was delicious and is delicious again. Again, ladies and germs, this actually tastes like chocolate cake. It rocks! It's amazing what craft brewers can do with a stout. This stands next to Nickel Brook's bourbon-infused Old Kentucky Bastard for being at the head of the class. I am praying this is not a one-off mostly because I promised my co-worker, Marie, I would find one for her. Don't make a liar outta me, Flying Monkeys... And you know what? Screw dessert. I could drink this anytime. And plan on doing exactly that.

Part of their Tank Ten project, Great Lake's Lake Effects IPA
was very well-received at Donny's Bar and Grill. Sadly, it's
gone into hiding deep in the murky depths. Will it rise again?

Anyone who's read this blog for a while knows that when it came to IPAs, for a very long stretch, I had The Holy Trinity - Muskoka's Twice As Mad Tom IPA, Flying Monkeys' Smashbomb Atomic IPA and Founder's (Grand Rapids, Michigan) Centennial IPA.

Eventually, Surrey, BC's Red Racer IPA pedalled its way over here and the group became the Fab Four.

Then a couple of months back, Newport, Oregon's Rogue Brutal IPA stomped through town, trashing all in its path... and suddenly, it was the Fearsome Fivesome. All slightly different but equally strong in character. All top-ranking between 97 and 99 on RateBeer. All cherished and much-beloved (if not short-lived) guests at Donny's Bar and Grill.

So this laconic surfer dude named Green Flash Brewing's West Coast IPA floats way inland from San Diego, looks around at the other bad boys in their torn jeans and tattered shirts and says simply, "Zup, bros? I'm packin' 7.3% and 95 IBUs (international bitterness units). What's your game?" And thus, as it was written in the Ancient And Sacred Transcripts, the Fearsome Fivesome became the Sexy Sextet.

This Black Oak 10 Bitter Years IPA might also be a
limited edition, as well. If you see one, grab it quickly...

With the aid of four distinct hops - Simcoe (grapefruit), Columbus (pungent), Centennial (pine/citrus) and Cascade (floral) - you get all of that in the aroma... and the taste. A four-pack of this costs roughly what a six-pack of the others do (except Twice As Mad Tom, also a four-pack at the same price and Brutal IPA in the 650-ml bottle) and is well worth every penny. Except we don't have pennies anymore in Canada... so worth every nickle. It notched 99 on RateBeer but also was the only one that snagged a perfect 100 on style points, meaning as true to IPA form as it can possibly get. I used to think the best things about San Diego (my favourite American city) were the beautiful Spanish architecture, the super-friendly (and staggeringly attractive) people and a pretty kick-ass zoo. Well, West Coast IPA now holds spots 1 through 5... so you all shifted down a little. Sorry. Life happens. Changes occur. Deal...

The first beer I try at the Winter Craft Beer
Festival tomorrow? Ohh, probably this???
Sawdust City's awesome stout but infused
with raspberries? Plus I'll need the 9.7%...

Okay, two more very quickly here, if I can... (Oh wait, my blog... of course I can.) I wish I had told you all about Great Lakes Brewery's Lake Effects IPA sooner. Turns out, as part of their Tank Ten project, it was limited and I didn't know. It's gone now. (Not my fault... every time, I learn something new about a beer, it pushes something old out of my brain. I had to get my son to tie my shoes the other day. And show me how to use a door.) This 7%, 80 IBU brew was dynamite. The nose was grapefruit and pine, the taste was citrus and... I think peach (that's a first) and my gawd, it was tasty. And now it's gone. And I feel badly for not telling you sooner. So badly that I...

Okay then, moving along quickly (because I don't dwell), there's also Black Oak Brewing's 10 Bitter Years IPA on the table. Black Oak is famous for using reverse osmosis water for their beer (please don't ask me what that means - my kid had to tie my damn shoes so for sure, Grade 10 Chemistry is pretty much gone), this former-Oakville, now-Etobicoke brewery has created this 8%, 83 IBU beer that IPA lovers will jump on. (Note to self: get the boy to show me - again - what the jumping motion looks like.)

How many of my beers will look like this tomorrow? Answer:
none! I drink way too fast for this travesty to happen to me!

This 10th anniversary beer (not sure about the "bitter" part - hope it wasn't something I said...) is a beauty. Strong pine and orange on the nose, it has a really nice grapefruit and super-light caramel taste. Snagged a nifty 99 on RateBeer. BUT - I repeat but - I have no idea if this is a special edition. It may well be since it's commemorating the brewery's 10th anniversary. You see it, you grab it. Don't worry. My son will tie your shoes. For a price.

Okay, folks, tomorrow I am off to the outdoor Winter Craft Beer Festival at the Steam Whistle Roundhouse with Beer Store co-workers. If you don't live in Canada or near Toronto, I will tell you this... baby, it's cold outside. With the wind-chill, it's gonna be about -25C - or -13F to my American friends.

Ouch! When the Dallas Stars kicked
Toronto Maple Leafs'  ass the other night,
they put this mockery on the scoreboard.
I hate when they use Miley Cyrus against us!

So like, drinking beer in a Minnesota barn in January. But half its wall are missing. Quite possibly like many barns in Minnesota. I have no idea... But there's a 1% chance Toronto Mayor Rob Ford will be there and wouldn't that be fun?

Oh, also on behalf of Canada, sorry about the whole Justin Bieber thing. He used to be a nice kid. We're not sure what happened there. Well, too young, too much money, not enough IPAs is probably it. Wait, is he even legal yet?

But if I survive this frigid outdoor Winter Craft Beer Festival (I believe stouts will keep me alive), I will write about it on either Sunday or Monday. As soon as my son explains to me again how the days of the week work. The silly, irrelevant things you forget, eh?

And finally... yeah, it has been one long beer commercial... with some exceptionally great beers and many more to come. Okay, folks, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! Until next time, I remain...