Beer Store Christmas Party - gonna need a "session" beer

Why did the Toronto Maple Leafs logo on the Molson
Canadian aluminum bottle drive my co-worker Gord insane?

A few months ago, I had NO idea what a "session beer" was. The term cropped up since in a couple of New Zealand beer blogs that I follow religiously, beer being my religion and all. Hey, my religion doesn't start wars. Just bar fights. All hail the mighty peace-making hop. I'm not sure if it is strictly a NZ term or something I just wasn't familiar with like, you know, how long you have to be dating a woman before you loudly pass gas in front of her. (Note: Date #1 is the wrong answer. In a crowded restaurant is especially wrong. And then subtly pointing at her when others look... really, really, really wrong. Don't ask me how I know.)

Turns out a session beer is a beer at 5% or less, one you can drink with the boys while watching the hockey game... or in the case of New Zealand, their much-beloved All Blacks national rugby team. You see, the problem with the high-octane craft beers I drink these days, which run anywhere from 6% to more than 10% alcohol-by-volume, is that in the case of my beloved IPAs, you drink them at the same speed you drink a regular beer. Muskoka Brewery's Twice As Mad Tom IPA, a personal favourite, is 8.4%. You down that at regular beer drinking speed and you're gonna be out-cold by the second period or half-time, depending on the sport. And really, is there anything worse than having to call your bro's the next day and ask: "So... uh... who won? And where is my car? And my clothes? What exploded in my kitchen and why am I handcuffed to the fridge?" You know, that old story. We've all been there, right?

A painting of the 2012 Oakville Beer Store Christmas Party.
The Sheriff came in, guns a'blazin' and sorted us varmints out

But I need a session beer for Sunday night. That's the night when the six Beer Stores in Oakville get together for our annual Christmas Party. One year, we landed in a bar on their Karaoke Night. I'm not saying ears bled on that night. But I'm not saying they didn't. But I will say most bar patrons don't usually get their headaches until the following morning when the old hangover hits. I think we sent a few home with aching heads.

But the Beer Store Christmas Party is an endurance race, not a sprint. The beer is free-flowing so we tend to invoke the "spirit of Christmas" but mostly the "spirit" part. So I need a session beer. Something a lot lower alcohol so I can make it to the end and actually see who I can mock the following day. There's usually a few. But let's face it. All my 5%-or-less beers are gonna be made by craft brewers that are most unlikely to be found in a regular Oakville bar - the kind of bar that considers Stella Artois, Corona and Heineken to be the fancy stuff. But we'll get to my choices in a bit.

"Can you show us, using the dolls, where Don
started to lose control at the Christmas Party?"

First, I'll turn to my co-workers who, with the exception of Saga, only drink session beers as a matter of course... let's see what they're drinking. My fellow full-timer, Gordo, is a traditionalist, going with two of Canada's biggest-selling beers, Molson Canadian (5%) and Coors Light (4%). However, Gordo can stray away from Canada and is also a pretty big fan of Denmark's Carlsberg Light (4%). I'm not gonna suggest that his choice has anything to do with Copenhagen's relaxed laws on marijuana and prostitution but I work with the guy so... yeah, it's totally that. True Gordo Story From The Beer Store Archives: he and I are unloading the Molson delivery one night. As soon as we get the eight skids off the truck, he goes on dinner break and I start breaking down the load. I notice the Molson Canadian aluminum bottles have a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey logo on them. Being a Philadelphia Flyers fan, Gord really hates the Leafs but they're my all-time favourite team. So I intentionally leave that skid until he comes back... and wait... and wait. And finally, he sees it - on one of his favourite beers. And he goes postal! The swearing got pretty bad so I'm going to insert "fluffy bunny" in place of the expletives. "Why the fluffy bunny would they fluffy bunny put that on their fluffy bunny cans??? What the fluffy bunny were they fluffy bunny thinking?" And he continued to fluffy bunny on at length, like a grumpy old man who didn't get enough mayo on his sandwich at the deli. It was awesome! So basically, it was like every shift with Gordo... but a Tuesday. Well, a different Tuesday.

I love our Beer Store's Moosehead Christmas tree, which
boss Allison painstakingly constructed after downing
two cases of Moosehead. 'Tis a Tree of Love and Hope...

The ladies I work with all have their session beers so let's start with sweet young Katie, who is a Miller Genuine Draft (4.7%) girl all the way. Except for the three-carat diamond wedding ring and the life-time membership to the spa, she's going to be a relatively inexpensive trophy wife some day. Marie's beer is one of my original sessioners - Sleeman Original Draught (5%). I realized the need to keep session beers handy in the bottom of my fridge when Marie popped by one day to drop off some home-cured bacon and I had to scramble to find her a craft beer that wouldn't blow the top of her head off. Fortunately, I had one - which you'll read on my list. But now I keep Brick's Red Baron Blonde Lager (4.8%) in my fridge at all times for visitors. They all seem to really like it but let's face it - free beer at Donny's Bar and Grill will never be unappreciated.. Our boss, Allison, favours two - Moosehead Lager (5%) and Sapporo pale lager (5%), which is brewed here under licence by Sleeman's, which in turn is owned by Sapporo, a Japanese mega-brewery.

That leaves our resident Malt King, Saga, who, like Allison, has always been a fan of Moosehead but has now found a new favourite with the Coors Banquet (5%), now shipped here from the United States.

Now THIS is a session beer - 5% alcohol, 100% flavour!

To Americans, this is actually your regular yellow-label Coors but for some reason, they added the word "Banquet" to it when they shipped it here. Please explain to them we're not a fancy culture up here - hockey, maple syrup and women who will snowboard in bikinis - that's pretty much Canada.

My blog brothers, Glenn and Stevil, had some good choices. Glenn prefers Brava (4.9%), a cerveza-style beer, originally brewed by Lakeport, which is now owned by Labatt's, and was meant to be competition for Corona. One small problem. It's better than Corona - MUCH better. Plus it's not a twist-off cap - you need an opener. I will ALWAYS maintain that 'church-key' beers, as opposed to twist-off, are fresher.

Steam Whistle Pilsner: "They do one thing really well"

Stevil, who has spent the past 12 years in Craft Beer Heaven, a.k.a. Wellington, New Zealand, had to think back to his Canadian session beer days before coming up with a couple of his old favourites: Big Rock Traditional Ale (5%) out of Calgary and Okanagan Springs Pale Ale (5%) from B.C. These days, like me, he prefers the high-test craft stuff and honestly thinks the criteria for session beers should be raised to 6%. I suspect a on-line petition any day now. That petition would likely be supported by my Toronto craft beer expert Melissa, who couldn't even name a session beer when asked. She shrugged, "I'm a strong beer kind of gal." And that's why we're beer buddies.

Okay, now my session beers, one of which I'll need for the Beer Store Christmas Party tomorrow night before yet another Oakville bar is sacrificed like a virgin at an ancient Mayan Frat Party.

Amsterdam makes a lovely blonde lager

First up is Flying Monkey's Hoptical Illusion Almost Pale Ale (5%), which to me is the younger brother to their Smashbomb Atomic IPA. Only 28 IBU (international bitterness units) and yet through the use of the Amarillo hop, it possesses a citrus/floral aroma and has a lighter version of that tangy quality I enjoy in a full-bodied  IPA. If a customer wants something a little hoppier than the mainstream Canadian beers, I steer them towards this. Why? You start with Robin and if you can handle Robin, then and only then, do you take on Batman (Smashbomb Atomic).

I'm a little surprised I've never mentioned Steam Whistle Premium Pilsner (5%) in this blog before. It's a very cool Canadian take on a Czech-style Pilsner. Light with a nice bite, my only concern with this beer is it's the only one they brew. A craft beer maker with just one beer? When I tell friends outside this country that, they all ask the same thing: "What does their brewmaster do all day? This has got to drive him crazy!" Indeed. He probably locks himself in a secret closet, concocting up super-cool IPAs and stouts for himself before heading back out to the brewery floor to maintain quality control.

"I'm Naughty... and Nice. Don't tell Santa..."

Amsterdam Natural Blonde Lager (5%), out of Toronto, is a great session beer and a perfect hot day patio beer (I said, watching the snow fall on my patio... *sigh*) Not in the least hoppy (14 IBU), it relies on the grainy aroma of malts for its nice, light taste.

And finally, a nod to my Burlington bros at Nickel Brook and their damn tasty Naughty Neighbour American Pale Ale (4.9%) - one of my favourites and soon to be arriving in my fridge via their 64-ounce (1.9 litre) growlers. I met owner John Romano at the brewery - helluva guy - more on that next blog. This scored a staggeringly high 93 on RateBeer and with its hints of tropical fruits, pines and malts in its aroma, this is, hands down, one of the best APAs I've ever had. And this was the beer Marie had at my place... and quite enjoyed!

"I'm the fat bastard who works one day a year and spends
the other 364 days of the year judging you! Ho freakin' ho"

That's all for this go-around but up next, we have both Nickel Brook's Bolshevik Bastard Imperial Stout and their Old Kentucky Bastard Imperial Stout (aged a year in a bourbon barrel so I will be sharing this with Saga as a Christmas treat), Sawdust City's Long Dark Voyage to Uranus Imperial Stout, Lost Coast Brewery's 8-Ball Stout and a Melissa-recommended (so I know it's gonna rock) Muskoka Winter Beard Double Chocolate Cranberry Stout. Tis the season of the stout.

Shout-outs: If you wanna see a humongous craft beer selection, watch Stevil St Evil's video, which I call: You Lucky Bastard! And my former co-worker KC kicks it old-school with her very funny Confessional of a Former Fat Girl blog. Today's thoughts? It's a Bacon Kind of Day! Okay, until next time, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! As always, I remain...