Buck-a-beer goes flat quickly...

"Good Lord love a duck. How did I get dragged into this
little ode to beer?" wondered William Shakespeare. Let's
face it, he was far more likely to be drinking wine or mead
and is likely pissed to be dragged into this poor excuse for
literary prose. Sharper than a serpent's tooth, eh, Bill?

Well, as Shakespeare would say, that was "Much Ado About Nothing."

The Shakepearean play, thought to be written in 1599, is basically a hard-to-read ode to misunderstanding, overhearing something from another room and misinterpreting it, rumours, gossip and sexual innuendo. So basically, if you've ever seen an episode of the TV show, Three's Company, you get the gist.

But as I earlier chronicled this month, when Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced during the campaign that the Province would be returning to the 2006 glory days of "Buck-A-Beer", it was something of a smoke-and-mirrors show. Or rather... much ado about nothing.

In the end, exactly three Ontario breweries stepped up to the challenge: tiny micro Barley Days Brewing in Picton, well-known contract brewer Cool Brewing in Etobicoke and PC Brewing, based out of Kitchener-Waterloo. But in today's edition, we will simply look at PC Brewing because they ended up being the biggest player on the Buck-A-Beer field.

Was I surprised when PC Brewing, out of Kitchener-
Waterloo said they'd be joining in on the Buck-A-Beer
fiasco? Oh yes, very much so. That would soon be
replaced by the sounds of my laughter, which was
loud and louder, when I heard on Monday, they were
only doing buck-a-beer for one week. Seven days??

Now when I say that PC Brewing is based out of K-W, there is a reason. They are brewed under licence by Brick Brewing, meaning someone else makes their beer and their labels get slapped onto the bottles. That happens a lot in Ontario and is ultimately, the world's smallest deal. PC Brewing is actually owned by Loblaw's, the largest grocery chain in the Province. So long before Premier Wynne, Ford's Liberal predecessor, announced beer in the supermarkets a few years back, one grocery chain was already making beer and selling it in Ontario. Just not in their stores until that very point a few years ago.

When they announced last week that they, too, were joining the Buck-A-Beer Brigade, I was stunned. I mean, I explained before that Ford, who only lowered the minimum price on single bottles from $1.25 back to a $1/bottle, was taking no risk. He was asking brewers to drop from their lowest price - $35.50 a case - to a Buck-A-Beer or $26.40 a case. So basically, he was saying, "I want you guys to take a $9.10 loss on every case of discount beer you sell for my benefit."

Premier Doug Ford is all smiles at Etobicoke's Cool
Brewing after the announcement that the brewery was
doing something NOT COOL by joining the Buck-A-
Beer Brigade. While PC Brewing that their Buck-A-
Beer prices will only last a week, Cool, as well as Barley
Days in Picton, has not said how long they'll play the
silly game. But the price is not long-term sustainable.

I mean, in the end, as I predicted, none of the big boys (Labatt, Molson's, Sleeman and Moosehead) took the bait. So yeah, I was surprised when PC Brewing jumped aboard because they, too, were taking a $9.10 loss on every case as their brands are also discount beers. Maybe the grocery chain ownership thought they could make it up in other departments. Like, I don't know, jacking or fixing the price of bread, for instance? Just throwin' it out there as a "for instance."

But you see, every Monday at the Beer Store, we are emailed the following week's price changes. Even though I wasn't working Monday, it didn't take long for Beer Store friends to alert me that morning this was a one-week discount by PC Brewing and that after Labour Day, it would go right back up to $35.50/case.

One week? Seriously? In fairness, PC Brewing, when they made the buck-a-beer announcement, did say it was "for a limited time." One week of buck-a-beer certainly qualifies as limited. But I also had a second reaction - that of uncontrollable laughter. One. Lousy. Week. It cracked me up. But to be perfectly honest, those PC beers have been flying off the shelf so far this week. We are officially sold out and it turns out won't be able to get more until our next Brick delivery...

The Ontario Beverage Network has their own thoughts on
the Buck-A-Beer issue but struggled to come up with the
words. Fortunately, this graphic kinda says it all. No, sir!

After Labour Day. When the price goes back up. As Ned Flanders would say, "Oopsie doodle, neighbourino!" At first, customers were somewhat pissed at us until we explained that the PC beers were only meant to be Buck-A-Beer until Labour Day. And then you could see the wheels turning. Not the Beer Store's fault, certainly. But when consumers get pissed, their anger lands in a higher place. In this case, the Buck-A-Beer fiasco will likely be spilling back onto Premier Ford's lap. That said, as Premier, I'm sure dry cleaning is a covered expense.

Now, lest anyone think I'm playing politics here, I assure you, I am not. I dislike all politics equally and here's a little story which illustrates exactly that. You see, Ford isn't the first to play shell-games with beer.

On the left, we have Premier Ford who campaigned on
Buck-A-Beer and caught everyone's attention with that
while he began to slash social services. On the right, we
have former Premier Wynne, who, to the enthusiasm of
many, opened up beer to the grocery stores. However, at
the same huge announcement, she also mentioned quietly
that the Province was selling off Hydro One. No one gave
a gnat's fart until homeowners got their Hydro bills in the
Summer of 2016 and their rates had tripled. Shell-games.

His predecessor Liberal Premier Kathleen Wynne did exactly the same thing. But let's start with Ford.

While he was yelling, "Buck a beer! Buck a beer!" he was also putting the brakes to Provincial funding on a number of established social programs. So it's a left hand-right hand scenario, a slight of hand, if you will. Magicians do this all the time. But politicians do it better. While his left hand had big-ass scissors cutting the social programs, his right hand was holding up that shiny can of $1 beer. Guess which caught the public eye?

However, Wynne did a similar left hand-right hand smokescreen back in 2015 when she announced that grocery stores would finally be able to sell beer. It was huge. Biggest beer-related announcement in Ontario since... ever. And it was met with great enthusiasm! However, at the exact same press conference, she announced towards the end with far less fervor that the Province would be selling Hydro One to private interests. The Hydro One part was practically mumbled on stage.

Former Premier Kathleen Wynne was the first
person to buy beer in a grocery store way back in
December 2015. As you can see, she bought a
Collective Arts' six-pack of Rhyme & Reason
Extra Pale Ale. So while maybe she did some
sketchy stuff, her taste in beer is exemplary. 

No one cared! Beer in the grocery stores! Finally! Huzzah! (That's Shakespearean for "hooray!") That is, until the Hydro bills, now controlled by private interests, rolled in to homeowners in the Summer of 2016. Many saw their Hydro rates triple. Cottage owners got hefty bills for the Winter months when the electricity was turned off because Hydro debt charges were tacked on. An unhealthy handful of Ontario small businesses went under, simply because their Hydro bills ate up their profits and far more. Homeowners were left scrambling to pay the bills as most of us budget on per-month expenses and don't expect to see such a substantial increase on any one bill. And all of this was hidden behind the image of an Ontario Premier months prior holding up that same damn shiny can of beer and saying, "I bought this in the grocery store!!" I will always believe that those huge Hydro increases were what gutted the ruling Liberal party and basically turned them into a non-party after this year's election. You might remember that. When the Liberals handed the Province over to Doug Ford.

But I started with Shakespeare so let me end with him. To quote Brutus in the classic Julius Caesar, "The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power." My 2018 translation of that quote? If you think politicians care more about the people they serve than the power they wield, then you're being suckered. I don't actually care about Buck-A-Beer or beer in the grocery stores. I'm just pointing out that every time the politicos want us to think we've gained, we actually lose. Every single time. Okay, Scooby Doo Gang, that's it, that's all and I am outta here. Until next time, I remain...

Poster Boy for Buck-A-Beer?

In this photo, taken by the Globe and Mail's Deborah Haic,
I look... lost?? Coworkers will tell you that this is NOT an
unusual look because, on occasion, I wander up to them and
ask, "What is this place again?" Fortunately, I always find
my way home afterwards. I know where MY beer fridge is.

About six years ago, the Beer Store I worked at in Oakville was revamped under a new initiative called Project Amber. I think the idea was to give the Beer Store a softer, friendlier atmosphere.

Having been with the Beer Store for 23 years, both part-time when I was in Journalism and full-time for the past 10 years because all the newspapers disappeared, my approach to the upcoming change in decor was pretty much the same as it would be if one of my ex-wives or former girlfriends decided it was time for new carpeting. And that is quite simply, "So long as I don't have to have any input or even opinion as to colour and/or style, go nuts."

In this case, it wasn't even on my dime so, hey, go super-freaky nuts. So initially, they revamped five stores - four in Toronto and mine in Oakville. Why mine because Oakville is certainly not Toronto? I'm certain it was because a brand new Target was opening in the mall right behind us. I'm sure we all remember what a stellar business model Target ended up being in Canada. Success like that is tough to repeat.

Okay, here's your TRUE Poster Boy for the craft
breweries' reaction to the Buck-A-Beer "initiative."
This would be Troy Burtch, who's the Marketing and
Communications Manager for Great Lakes Brewing
in Etobicoke. He ended up on countless TV shows
before and after Doug Ford's "big" announcement.

So anyway, the Globe and Mail decided to write a piece on the Beer Store's changing approach and sent a very nice photographer named Deborah Haic to take a bunch of pictures. It was just me and my manager in the store that day, a young lady named Allison, at the time in her mid-20s. I noticed when Deborah started snapping off pictures, Allison made herself extremely scarce. Like most young ladies, she only wants to take her own picture so she can decide which one makes the cut. I've seen this process from young women up close. Some 87 pictures are taken and 86 are deleted before that one perfect multi-filtered Instagram or Snapchat post. It's an art form women have perfected. Guys take just one and use it even if a booger is hanging out of their nose.

Long story short, I ended up in most of the photos where you could see me serving customers, assisting customers, stacking beer, tripping over my shoelaces with a booger hanging out of my nose... the usual stuff. The Globe wrote their piece - a nice soft full-page business story about the changes. It was a lovely puff-piece but I knew what all the photos were really about as the Beer Store was coming under increased criticism from the media. For that, you need file photos. Many of them. Been there (in person), done that (myself).

Ken Woods, the lovable owner of Black Oak Brewing,
is that dude front and centre with this rowdy gang of
hooligans, thugs and one nice lady. Asked about Buck-
A-Beer, Ken said, "(Black Oak) beer doesn't need to be
discounted in order to sell. It's about quality and having
something special to enjoy." That's why we all love Ken.

So from that day forth, whenever a Beer Store story appeared in the Globe, be it a news piece, opinion piece or even a Letter to the Editor, one of two possible images were attached - either the facade of my Beer Store out front from 87 different angles (Instagram Rules)... or one of me, also 87 from which to choose. And I would get messages from friends every month or two alerting me that I was in the Globe. "Are Beer Stores a front for Scientology?" There I was. "Does the Beer Store actually exist?" There I was. "Is the Beer Store in collusion with Russia?" There I was... somehow holding hands with a shirtless Vladimir Putin. Hoping to get that one autographed. (*Ed Grimley Voice* "That'd be the best, I must say.")

I always shrugged it off because... well, who cares? In the grand scheme of things, blah, blah, blah. Water off a duck's back. But earlier this week, I got fresh texts that I was in the Globe again. What's the story, I asked? The response: a story on Doug Ford's Buck-A-Beer "challenge." My response: "Oh, Jesus Herbert Christ..." (The "H" must stand for something. My guess is Herbert.) A picture of me at a cash register used for the story about our new Premier's smoke-and-mirrors show. Ain't that just ducky? Fortunately, the shot was from a great distance and only a couple of people recognized me.

With Brewmaster Jason Brittan on the left and his gang of
thugs, hooligans and exactly zero nice ladies on the right,
Cameron's Brewing posted on Twitter, "Cameron's has
never participated in Buck-A-Beer and we are not about to
start now. We stand by our commitment to high quality
beer and you can continue to hold us to that standard. Just
take a look at our slogan we have had for the past 20-plus
years." That would be the "connoisseur" thingey up there.

Now I never get political here because after 25 years of covering it federally, provincially and on a municipal level for newspapers, as well as having an actual five-year stint in municipal politics, I am done with politics of any kind. I learned during those years, there are two things voters absolutely hate. Things staying the way they are. And change. It's a bit of a Catch-22. Half of the people are mad half the time as parties in power flip back and forth. I am happily at the point where I am 100% disinterested in politics 100% of the time. It's a comfortable little zone I occupy seemingly by myself. Too much anger out there. My zone is like Zen Central. With really good beer. So none of this is about politics. It's about numbers. Although seeing my picture connected with such an obvious ploy, well, those shenanigans don't belong in Zen Central, lemme tell you.

Now, I have no idea if the Beer Store even has a policy on this buck-a-beer thing - there's no real reason it should because it's in the political arena - so I am just speaking for myself here as John Q Public (the Q is Quincy) and a beer writer who believes - sorry, knows - this will never happen. For a large number of reasons. As I have had to explain to many customers this week, Premier Ford did not change the price of beer to a buck-a-bottle.

I'm not sure where this graphic came from because I got it
from Twitter. But it shows you what one single can of
People's Pint Brewing's (Toronto) Helles Island Lager cost
that brewery to produce. It's a $1.39 and that excludes
operation costs, such as rent, Hydro, staff and so on and
so on. It actually sells for $3.00 which sounds like a big
mark-up EXCEPT the operating costs chew into a
significant portion of that. No one is making millions
in the Ontario Craft Beer business. In fact, the great
majority have yet to break even. It's a non-starter.

What he actually changed was the minimum amount that a beer could be sold for by the breweries. That number was previously $1.25 per bottle. The Premier dropped it to $1 per bottles, the same as it was in 2006.

But costs were a lot different in 2006. If you look at the big ol' beer can graphic here, you'll see it cost more than a $1 to produce a can of beer.

So Premier Ford is offering this up as what he calls "a challenge." And it would be a challenge. For craft brewers, eating food would become a challenge. Paying rent would become a challenge. Buying clothes would be a challenge. Paying employees would become a challenge. And why is that? Because they would be bleeding money!!! They would be operating at a significant loss. The first thing they would forfeit is the ability to pay taxes. You know who hates that? The government.

So who was the real Poster Boy for ALL Ontario Craft Brewers when this was announced on Monday? Well, that would be Troy Burtch, the Marketing and Communications Manager for Etobicoke's Great Lakes Brewing. Troy showed up on TV stations around Toronto to explain - very simply - why this was not financially feasible. He was diplomatic, articulate and very sincere.

I laughed when I saw this one. Premier Ford used
an image of Toronto's Bandit Brewery in his pitch
for Buck-A-Beer on Twitter and the brewery was
like, "No, no, no, no, no..." Bandit, I feel ya. I was
the photo in the Globe and Mail story on this one.

Now, Troy and I have only met a couple of times. He seems like a great guy and frankly, I was extremely impressed by how composed he remained. He was one helluva spokesperson for all the craft brewers in Ontario, even though he was only speaking on GLB's behalf. And he wisely kept politics out of it.

Which is good because had they invited me on those many TV shows he popped up on, I would have briefly stepped away from Zen Central and it would have been like getting a guest from The Jerry Springer Show. I'd be all, "Okay, gang, this is the most humongous pile of horseshit I've ever waded through without knee-high boots and I worked on a goddamn farm when I was 18 years old!! It reeks there!!! Take the 10 biggest post-Thanksgiving dumps of your life, add them together and that's what a horse craps after three goddamn pieces of hay!!!" (The farm part is actually true. The horse crap part usually involves a little more hay.)

So, okay, we've dealt with the fact that craft breweries can't do this buck-a-beer ruse, right? Well, one is going to try but I'll write their obituary at the end... out of respect. And that leaves the big guns, right? Molson's, Labatt and Sleeman's, the three owners of the Beer Store. Certainly they can afford this, right?

Matt Gibson, right, is shown here with his band Mutual
Release at last year's Nickel Brook Oktoberfest. Matt is
the Manager of Corporate Sales and Marketing at the
brewery. His response to it all on Monday was simply this.
"Nickel Brook will not take part in the proposed buck-a-
beer plan. We've always been about quality and don't aim
to change that now or ever. We have no intention of joining
a race to the bottom. We stand with our fellow craft brewers
in opposing this gimmick by Ford." Race to the bottom...
that line was used over and over by crafties on Monday.

No, I don't think so. And please understand I do not speak for them or on their behalf. Just guessing here. A regular guy - a John Quincy Public, if you will - about to throw a bunch of numbers around. They have been silent on the issue so far. Here's my guess on the reason. (Bunch Of Random Numbers Coming Alert.)

Okay, the cheapest macros at the Beer Store are their discount lines. With Molson's, it's their Carling line. With Labatt, it's their Lakeport line. And with Sleeman's, it's their Stroh's line, Old Milwaukee and the like. All three sell their two-fours of these products for $35.50. Take away the $2.40 bottle deposit and that's $33.10 for the discount beers. That equals $1.38 a bottle. That's the cheapest beer right now in Ontario. Now remember, the previously-set lowest minimum price was $1.25/bottle. So the macros were not even bothering with that, going 13 cents higher with their lowest cost product. What Premier Ford is asking them to do in this challenge is drop that $33.10 to $24. Voluntarily. At the cost of their own profits.

Now I don't have much of a business head, to be honest, but I do know forfeiting $9.10 on every case of discount beer is probably not a strong fiscal practice. Some would even say foolhardy. Insane. Nutso. Pick a word.

I don't drink many Blonde Ales as I
prefer the heftier, hoppier styles but
here's one I will be jumping all over!!
Dominion City took the whole buck-a-
beer thing and turned it on its side by
donating to a worthy charity. Perfect!!

Now before getting to the one single brewery in Ontario willing to go along with this challenge, a quick word about an Ottawa brewery called Dominion City Brewing. I am very familiar with their product because my Nepean Beer Store Brother Ben sent me a care package of their goodies. They make a Double IPA and Triple IPA, both of which were so outstanding, you'll pee a little in your pants. Well, I did but that might be connected to my advanced age. Regardless, I will be singing their glory in an upcoming column.

So they decided they were in on doing a buck-a-beer but did their own spin on it. If you buy Dominion City Buck-A-Beer Blonde Ale at full price, for each can, the brewery will donate $1 towards refugee integration efforts in Ottawa. So while many were rightfully decrying the challenge, Dominion City stood back and asked themselves, "How can we turn this chicken shit situation into a tasty chicken salad lunch?" And then they proceeded to do it. I love these guys for being this clever. We all should.

And that brings us to the one Ontario craft brewery that actually has plans to join the challenge. That would be Barley Days Brewing in Picton, Ontario. They will be creating a beer called Loon Lager, weighing in 4.5% and yes, being sold for a buck-a-beer in the 355-ml (12 ounce) can format. If any of y'all remember a place called Honest Ed's in Toronto, this is called a "loss leader." That means selling a product at a loss just to get customers into the store. Ed Mirvish would sell, say, full-sized turkeys for $1 at Thanksgiving and thousands of people would line up around the block to get in.

The sole participant in the buck-a-beer
challenge is Barley Days Brewing's new
Loon Lager. They got their press for this
but will it cost them big down the line?

It was a brilliant business strategy... for Ed Mirvish and perhaps only Ed Mirvish.

I suspect Barley Days is doing this to get their name out there. I mean, because they are the sole participant thus far in the buck-a-beer challenge, they played host to Premier Ford at their brewery for the announcement. So there you go... their name was in all the papers, TV stations and social media. Now I don't know the folks there in Picton but I have concerns for them about this. The most notable concern is this: Have they made themselves a pariah in their own industry now? Yes, they got free press... for one day. But at what cost? And the optics of this could be taken politically. They were the only ones willing to get into the sandbox with Premier Ford. That could cause backlash. Again, though, let's keep in mind that I avoid politics like I avoid vegetables. So my perspective may be skewed by my abhorrence towards politics.

So, in review... Premier Ford campaigned on buck-a-beer. But then left the breweries to absorb all costs for his plan. The government did not and will not contribute a dime towards this. The Province could have eased back the shelf price of being in the LCBO... but they didn't. The Province could have dropped the provincial sale tax on beer... but they didn't. Why? Because then this challenge costs them revenue. It's a lot like me saying I would like a Mustang but should only pay $10,000 for it while Ford Motors absorbs the rest of the cost. Highly unlikely at best. Very disingenuous at worst. But hey, that's politics. Okay, Scooby Doo Gang, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! Until next time, I remain...