Barnstorming it in Barrie

Well, Barnstormer Brewing and Distillery is all about
aviation, gang, so here's Hago and my boy, David, at
CFB (Canadian Forces Base) Borden in front of a big-
ass red plane. That base was huge as Hago took us two
on the full tour on Sunday morning. Lots of cool toys!

♫ Now this is the story all about how... my life got flipped, turned upside-down... and I'd like to take a minute so sit right there... I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called... Barrie? ♫

Okay, that doesn't quite work. At all. I know that now. However, on April 8, when my boy, David, and I visited my Beer Buddy Hago, we were treated like royalty so here's my Fresh Prince of Barrie story. (♫ In east Oakville, born and raised...) Sorry, man, I'll stop now. Bloody addictive song.

But this is the story of the neglected middle child. I get that as I, too, am a neglected middle child. (Not complaining - you should see the shit I got away with in my youth.) The last column was all about the older Barrie sibling, Flying Monkeys ("Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!!") and the youngest sibling, Redline Brewhouse (Why did the writers make Cindy lisp like that? I couldn't understand a damn word the stupid kid was saying.)

So today, the middle child, Barnstormer Brewing and Distillery gets its day in the sun, much like that Brady Bunch episode where middle child Jan makes up an imaginary boyfriend, George Glass, to get a little attention.

My haul from Barnstormer was a little larger
than the other two breweries for a reason. That
reason has a name and it is David. After letting
him select the glass, he just kept handing me
more and more beer from their retail fridge.

(His last name came courtesy of a glass of OJ sitting on the kitchen table that she spotted as she was making up the lie. And yes, I have watched far too much TV over the years. But contrary to what your parents told you, it doesn't cause any lasting drain bamage.)

But leaving the Fresh Prince and the Bradys behind for now (and with any luck to the reader, forever), let's talk Barnstormer. I deliberately left this brewery out of last week's column about the Barrie brewery visits for a couple of reasons. The column was getting too long as it was and my haul there was larger than the other breweries. Why? Well, that part is on Hago. You see, at our first stop, Redline Brewhouse, knowing my son's resistance towards buying more glassware since he has to put them away (one of his chores), Hago suggested that David pick his old man a glass. Thus my son inadvertently became an enthusiastic part of the process. So much so, that when we went to our next stop, Barnstormer, he not only picked out my new glass, he kept handing me more beers from the retail fridge.

I had already selected their Buzz Aldrin Sour Peach, their Parachute Porter and their specialty SR-71 Blackbird Black IPA. A pretty solid haul, right? But nooooooo...

If I get a chance to use a picture taken by my Beer Buddy
Drunk Polkaroo, I jump on it. This photo of Barnstormer's
Accelerated Stall Maverick's Imperial IPA is beautifully
composed with the Spiegelau glass and can against a nice
blue sky in the background. It conjures up the imagery of
being in the sky, the theme behind all Barnstormer beers.

David decided he had to become part of the beer-buying process as well. While I waited briefly at the retail counter, he plunked an Iron Compass Irish Red Ale in front of me. "You like red beers," he said. Daddy's love of a good red ale has somehow become known to my lad. Apparently, I've mentioned it. Seconds later, David's next pick was the YYZ First Class Lager, as he cheerfully noted, "You like lagers, too! Remember Lucky Lager?" Ahh yes, a discount go-to from Labatt in my old macro drinking days. His keen memory of my past might be my downfall if I'm ever up on charges in court. Please, no one mention IPAs or Imperial Stouts to my lad. He has too much dirt on me already. And so you know, YYZ is Toronto's Pearson Airport travel designation.

Okay, so before I get into some executive-class Barnstormer stories (you see what I did there), a quick question. What the hell is a barnstormer?  Well, back in the 1920s, barnstorming was an aerial display of one or more stunt pilots performing tricks in the air. It was also known as a "flying circus" for the Monty Python fans in the audience. The idea was that the viewing public on the ground would be less frightened of air travel if they could see the planes do really cool stuff.

My paddle at Barnstormer consisted of, from left, a Buzz
Aldrin Sour Peach, an Accelerated Stall Maverick's IIPA,
an SR-71 Blackbird Black IPA and a Deadstick Milk Stout.

Did it work? You tell me. Ever been on a plane? So yeah, it worked. In fact, pilot Charles Lindburgh was one of the first barnstormers. The more you know... (*starburst... no, wait, skywriting!*) Yeah, skywriting's the Barnstormer ticket, baby!

So when owner Dustin Norland, a former engineer and aviation expert (who once built a working airplane from scratch!) opened his brewery in late-2013, the name Barnstormer was a slam-dunk. At first, they were known as Barnstormer Brewing and Pizzeria, as a nod to the tasty-ass jet-fired stone-baked specialty pizzas created by head chef Dylan Marcellus. 

My man, Hago, made a tragic discovery after he
took home a healthy handful of this Buzz Aldrin
Sour Peach. Turns out it became his wife Aime's
favourite beer and his stash became very quickly
depleted after that. Fortunately, he lives about 15
minutes away from Barnstormer so he's good...

(I will forego the obvious Pulp Fiction name connection here by not asking, "What does Marcellus Wallace look like? Does he look like a bitch?" Oh... I guess I just did. My bad.)

That name has now changed to Barnstormer Brewing and Distilling Company as head distiller Megan Moore has climbed aboard the brewery plane to create thirsty Barrie residents a wide assortment of artisanal liquors. I'm not a booze drinker but to be honest, I was keenly eyeing her Russian Intelligence Craft Vodka. Vodka is the only liquor I can drink but, well, it's always a big bottle of morning-after regret for me. So I wisely stick to craft beer which has never given me a hangover. Probably because I don't drink nearly as much as I did in my Lucky Lager days. Craft beers are to be enjoyed and savoured... not slammed down like Bud Lite in a rowdy frat house Beer Pong game. Also, the fact is, these beers have too much flavour. You couldn't chug one of these if you tried. Watch, I'll try... *Seven seconds later* Okay, let's say shouldn't, rather than couldn't. But any craft beer drinker will confirm that yes, we drink far less than we did in their macro days. But we pay more now for our beers so it all evens out. (So worth every extra penny, too.)

This Flocking Fokker Oktoberfest Bier was a #beersaint
gift from Drunk Polkaroo. Look at this beautiful picture!
(The sound you now hear is Polkaroo sobbing over there in
Stoney Creek.) But look at the beauty hue on this bad boy!

Moving along to an amusing Barnstormer story, I first came into contact with their social media Maverick (you see what I... never mind) Brad Arliss when I discovered their outstanding Flight Delay IPA at a Burlington LCBO a couple of years back. I wrote about it in this space, heaping praise on it as I tend to with a really good IPA, and eventually linked the column to Twitter. Well, the damnedest thing happened. Every mention of Flight Delay instantly got me about four responses from "people" asking, "Was your flight delayed? If so, click on this link for financial restitution!" All different people, all different links. Clearly, "flight delay" was a Twitter trigger phrase that alerted scammers to your aviation plight. (A delayed flight is hardly a travesty of justice as airports have bars.) So I gave Brad my best Stewie Griffin "What the deuce, man?" Unaware of the situation, he told me he'd check it out and fix it, if need be. I'm not sure what ever happened there but I'll test the "flight delay" waters once again when I post this for shits and giggles reasons.

Here's a shot of Barnstormer Brewing from Beer Buddy Paul The Beer
Guy. Despite temperatures of about 7C (45F) on April 8th, it was a sunny
day just like this so yeah, a couple of young drinkers were out on that sick
patio. Fortunately, both Drunk Polkaroo and myself will be there soon.

But after that point, I often found myself tagged on Barnstormer's Twitter pictures. I guess Brad liked my sense of humour (not good humour per se but there's a "sense" of it in there somewhere). Last September when their head brewer Jeff Woodworth turned 32, I was tagged in a photo of him hoisting a stein of his own fine product. At that exact moment, I was out on the patio having a smoke at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington when my phone gave a chirp. So I looked at the pic of Jeff and responded, "Well, yeah, I dig the symmetry of Jeff drinking a 32-ounce (946-ml) stein of beer on his 32nd birthday. But what's he gonna do next year?" I mean, they don't exactly make 33-ounce steins, do they? Pretty sure there's a Bavarian law against that.

Here, Barnstormer head brewer Jeff Woodworth holds
up a 32-ounce stein on his 32nd birthday way back last
September. They're gonna need a stein and a shotglass
for Birthday #33 this Autumn. Also, it would appear
Jeff, being all black-and-white, lives in Pleasantville.
Are there any more TV shows or movies I can allude to
today? Oh probably. I'm a treasure trove of lame info.

(Germans are pretty strict about beer and the vessels in which beer is served.)

But I'm here to give Brad his well-deserved due today as he absolutely blew a beauty of a practical joke past both myself and Hago on April 1st. The brewery issued a press release, crafted by Brad, that revealed the creation of independent Craft Beer Stores in Ontario. These would be retail outlets scattered throughout the Province that only sold craft beer. No Molson's, no Labatt, no Sleeman's... just craft beer.

Now I guess Brad had read just enough of my blogs to know that prior to the institution of grocery stores selling beer (despite being a Beer Store employee, I was very much onboard with that), I wrote that for the most effective delivery and exposure of great Ontario craft beers, I wished we had those large craft-beer-only stores that the USA has in droves. So on April 1st (and again, we all know what day that is), Barnstormer issued a press release saying that was precisely what was going to happen in Ontario, starting this Autumn. I will include a link to the press release at the end but lemme be honest. I was a journalist for a couple of decades-plus and I bought right into the elaborate ruse. Especially after Barnstormer declared on Twitter that I would be the perfect president of the company. Hell, yeah, Donny's got lots of time for that!!! That comes with full limousine service, right?

♫ When a couple of fellows who were up to no good...
started causing trouble in my neighbourhood... ♫
That's me and Hago in front of the cool neon sign at
Flying Monkeys Craft Brewing in Barrie. And as
always, it goes back to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Eventually, I clued in. I mean, this being the cyber-age of information, I would have heard word of this as it would have been spread far and wide long before anyone made the official announcement. And I realized the date. And that the entire press release was completely Barnstormer-centric. Brad totally roofed me, which is an old school way of saying it went over my head like an SR-71 Blackbird.

But poor Hago was dangling on the April Fool's string a while longer after I declared he would be my Vice-President, saying we were the Irish and Armenian ticket to political glory. Instantly, he wrote he wanted rights to the Fergus craft-beer outlet. Soon afterwards, like me, he realized it was a joke. But as God is my witness, I swear he was already preparing to put his military commission towards his new craft beer outlet venture. When my boy and I visited him, we laughed about the whole thing and how easily we got sucked in. By that damn Brad. Because we want that so badly.

Brad, your day will come. For starters, as the brewery's creative director and assistant general manager, you have mentioned on several occasions that in the movie Top Gun, Maverick (Tom Snooze) killed Goose.

A final look at the Three Amigos Of Barrie. That's Redline's
Kaitlyn K, Hago and my boy, David, all hunkering down at our
table at Barnstormer's Brewing and Distillery.  Barnstormer
was Stop #2 on what was an outstanding day of fun in Barrie...

I will be bringing David's portable DVD player so we can rewatch that scene... hundreds of times, if necessary... until you finally acknowledge that no, it was Iceman who ultimately was responsible for Goose's death. I don't care how many of your delicious Barnstormer beers we have to consume until you finally recant your blasphemy. I realize you won't back down quickly. It may take many, many beers before you come to see the real truth and offer up your mea culpa. (You got that, Brad? Many, many beers. I'm not being too subtle here, am I?)

But a final word about Barnstormer's SR-71 Blackbird Black IPA. Despite being quite tasty, that beer was created for a pretty good cause as $1 from every bottle was donated to Autism Ontario. As you can see, my boy is also special needs so when a brewery does something like this, well, it touches me in a whole different way. Thank you, guys, that's very much appreciated. Next up, the mystery behind my Lagunitas glass, as well as a look at some of these very tasty Barrie beers that I bought or David insisted I buy. Anyway, here the link to the April Fool's joke that nailed both me and Hago, called April Fools, You Two!!! And hey, one more about that SR-71 Blackbird Black IPA from head brewer Jeff called Is This Mic On? Watch to the end for bloopers. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! Until next time, I remain as always...