Colourblindness... the superpower!

Stop me if you've heard this one. So anyway, Clark Kent gets into an elevator
and see the skeletons of, from left, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen and Perry White.
Because he forgot to turn off his damn X-Ray Vision. Rookie mistake, Supes.

I have mentioned in this space in the past that I am colourblind so I won't be going into any great detail on that today.

To recap quickly. Yes, I can see in colour. No, my world is not 50 Shades of Grey (either through my eyes or apparently, my social life.) What I have is called Red-Green Deficiency. That means I have problems telling some shades of red, green and brown apart, as well as blue and purple. That's about it.

Oh... one more thing. No, I don't wanna guess what stupid colour your stupid shirt is. That's mostly because I don't give a damn what colour your shirt is so please know this. I will always answer "purple" if you ask me. Point to the sun, a tree or even a squirrel? "Purple." Bleeding because I stabbed you repeatedly after you asked that damn question. Your blood is "purple."

Show me a picture of Prince in concert? Well, okay, that's a trick question. You're all rotten Colour Sighted Bastards, which I will now abbreviate to CSBs because being colourblind is exceptionally tiring on the typing fingers. Both of them.

Behold the fine-tipped Yellow Sharpie!
It exists only to increase the quality of
life for those of us who are colourblind.

(Random CSBs Fact: 92% of all male crime is committed by CSBs. Yeah, sure, that's also your exact percentage of the male population but numbers don't lie. You're all thieves, crooks and generally speaking, no-good-niks.)

But my coworker Trey and I discovered something quite interesting about my colourblindness very recently. There are certain shades of certain colours I see even more clearly than you evil CSBs. Now in fairness, Trey is used to me using my colourblindness as an excuse for all my misdeeds. Three hours late for work? "Hey, sorry, man, at a traffic signal for hours. Couldn't tell when it changed to 'go'." Dropped a case of beer on an old lady's toes? "She was wearing red shoes. Couldn't see them."

However, one day he was changing the marking pen of a clipboard used for keeping a tally of empties and I said, "Make it yellow or orange. I see those the best." This piqued his curiosity so he took a fine-tipped Yellow Sharpie and wrote something on a piece of paper. When I read it easily (whereas you CSBs might struggle because of its light hue and the fact you're all weak and complacent), we realized, well, hey now Hank, there's shades I actually see better than y'all.

Here's proof I could easily take down Green Lantern. His
power ring doesn't work on anything yellow. I mean, that
is little Robin laying a beating on him because he painted
himself in yellow. Box of Yellow Sharpies and GL's done! 

I now call this clear gift to mankind my "Super Vision" and here's why. We all know that Superman's X-Ray Vision cannot see through lead, right? So what does Lex Luthor do when he wants to plant six bombs around Metropolis? He puts them in lead casings, of course, so that Superman can't see them. Well, here's the problem with that little theory and also why I would be a far superior evil genius than Lex. Because Superman can see through everything except lead, guess what stands out like a beacon when he's using his X-Ray Vision? Duh, Lex! Lead! Just leave the damn bombs uncovered in men's room stalls across Metropolis and Superman will look right through them, too! I mean, unless as an evil villain, you prefer Superman rounding all the bombs up in 3.5 seconds and lobbing them into the Sun. That's probably why Superman always wins. What's transparently obvious (literally, in the case) is beyond your average evil villain's grasp.

Now some of you CSBs may mock and ridicule me for comparing my Super Vision to Superman's X-Ray Vision. Please know I have been mocked and ridiculed before and...

Okay, Ghost Orchid used to be a pale ale released by
Bellwoods until they goosed it up and re-released it as
this damn tasty little IPA. Another winner from them.

Well, actually, that's it. That just seems to happen to me a lot.

Okay, enough chatter about my Super Vision and time to talk shop about some beers! First on deck, we have not one but two offerings from Rib Eye Jack's Ale House's GM Steve. Both are from Toronto's "can-brew-no-wrong" Bellwoods Brewery and these are always winners with craft beer lovers.

Now I will be describing the beers' colours myself as we go along but will employ RateBeer users' descriptions as back-up in case I'm mistaken. First on deck is their recently-released Ghost Orchid IPA, a 6.3% mother-pucker. Okay, look at the lovely emerald green pour. My back-up RateBeer eyes called it "bright orange"... then "hazy golden-yellow"... then "cloudy golden orange." This leads me to ask but one question: Do you CSBs even see colours the same way?? Seriously??

Back to Ghost Orchid (as I understand it, orchids are usually purple or pink so even Bellwoods is playing me). This used to be one of their pale ales but they threw a ton of Mosaic, Simcoe and Nelson Sauvin hops into the vat and goosed it up to a full-blown IPA.

Two things. Okay, 1) this was the haziest glass of
deliciousness I have had in quite some time. And
2) I really need a Bellwoods' glass. Although bless
my Collective Arts' Spiegelau for stepping up here

This had a nice whiff of pineapple on the nose while on the tongue, that faded and was replaced with grapefruit and a sly touch of orange. This is a damn tasty IPA, made by the folks who crank out Witchshark Imperial IPA, one of my all-time favourites. I was very happy with this one until I became ecstatic with the next one...

Great Caesar's Ghost, Kent, their Monogamy Double Dry-Hopped IPA was a barn-burner. Truth to tell, this was the one both Steve and myself were eyeing with lust before his trip to the brewery. Now the 19th incarnation of Monogamy (each with a different hop profile), this version was the best version I've had though I think I've only had four of the other 18. It's tough to keep up with Bellwoods, Tagged at the bottom of the label as an "Idaho 7 Hop Hash", I don't need RateBeer's eyes to tell me this was a thick, hazy orange pour that looks like it was created by the folks at Tropicana rather than Bellwoods. This is now the second substance that Superman's X-Ray Vision cannot see through. When I posted its picture on Twitter, my Beer Buddy Hago drooled, "When it looks like orange juice, I get excited."

With good reason, Hago, because damn, this was outstanding!

When Junction Craft Brewery veers off the
track with specialty releases, it's always good
news. This Cascadian Dark Ale and Imperial
Black Ale were both great. The real question
here is: Which is in the glass? I took the damn
picture and I forget. But I do know it's black!

At 6.4%, this was all papaya on the nose with a huge wallop of grapefruit and pine on the tongue. You like your east-coast, Vermont-style IPAs? Well, Bellwoods delivered a beauty with this bad boy. When Jimi Hendrix sang Purple Haze, that was his colourblind tribute to this beer. Hazy, crazy and one of the best I've had in 2017.

Okay, I have to veer briefly off the IPA Path because Drunk Polkaroo and his lovely wife, Kat, brought me so many on St Paddy's Day that their gift will happily sung about (though with poor pitch) in the next few columns and there are other styles in the world. Not as important as IPAs, mind you, but I don't want you CSBs thinking that those of us with Super Vision aren't well-rounded individuals who also enjoy many facets of... yeah, no idea where I was going with this.

A recent trip to Junction Craft Brewing saw me bring back a pair of their specialty releases, the Cascadian Dark Ale and the Imperial Black Ale, both brewed as part of their Destructor Series (okay, that's just a cool name). Once again, no need for the helpful eyes at RateBeer when it comes to colour here. One was black; the other similarly black. Together, they are Back In Black (♫ I hit the sack. It's been too long. I'm glad to be back...) Okay, getting myself Back On Track here, let's start with the Imperial Black Ale which was, this time, aged in red wine barrels with bourbon barrels on deck for the next batch. At 9% and 64 IBUs (international bitterness units), this ain't your Grandpa's ale. Or your father's for that matter.

Every year, it seems like our friends at Flying Monkeys in Barrie had a
big sweet imperial stout for us. Always in a colourful (yeah, thanks for
that) box, this year was no different as their Aurora Heart Chocolate
Raspberry Stouts hit the LCBO shelves recently. It's a sweet thang...

No, this level of bad-assery (it's a word - ask anyone) is meant for the modern palates of those with discerning tastes. And also, for guys like me. With that IBU count, this might fall shy of being called a black IPA but it was not quiet in taste. A light sweetness on the nose that I would attribute to the wine barrels, this was mostly bitter coffee and licorice on the tongue. Also, while I'd have to check, it could be the first imperial ale I have had. Certainly, the first black one. It's a Dandy Andy!

The 7%, 67 IBU Cascadian Dark Ale is meant to be more of an IPA style though I've never thought of them that way. That doesn't mean I don't have mucho love for the Cascadian style, mind you.

From our good friends up there in tiny Hanover, Ontario, MacLean's Ales
is continuing to crank out new beauties. I enjoyed their Pale Ale at the
first Burlington Beer Festival in the Summer of 2014 and as you can see,
they just keep adding on to the line-up. Hats off to Charles Maclean, the
elder statesman of Ontario Craft Beer, as he continues to expand things.

With this Cascadian, there was a whiff of hoppiness on the nose... but none on the tongue. No matter. Much more chocolate on the tongue (likely due to the malts used), I enjoyed this just a touch better than its imperial ale counterpart. Both were top-notch but I tell you, with each passing day, I become more and more impressed with the specialty beers coming out of this brewery.

I remember when I first met the brew crew from MacLean's Ales from Hanover, Ontario. It was at the inaugural Burlington Beer Festival in Spencer Smith Park back in July 2014. Manning their booth was assistant brewer Mike with Marketing Manager Curtis.

Way back in the Summer of 2014, my main MacLean's
man Curtis gave me a perfect pour of that tasty-ass pale
ale at the Toronto Festival of Beer. Great gang there!

The guys told me the story of brewmaster George MacLean who started his outfit back in 1993 after returning to Canada from Britain. Unhappy with the quality of the Canadian macros, he just started contract-brewing his own Pale Ale, which eventually became something bigger in 2014 when he and two partners built the brewery, now standing in Hanover.

I happily sampled both the Pale Ale and Farmhouse Blonde that day (the latter came out of "retirement" for the event but is now back in a big way.) But I loved seeing the old-school Maclean's 500-ml (17 ounce) bottle when they released their Luck & Charm Oatmeal Stout late last year. I am once again calling the colour on this one again. Black. Due to my Super Vision, I am very proficient in describing the black genre of beer pours. Hell, I can do it in one word. I got some really nice toffee and molasses on the nose of this 5.6% stout followed by almost an expresso bitterness on the back end of the tongue which was mostly chocolate and nutty. Great little stout!

Okay, I am very deliberately ending this with some great folks at breweries up there in Barrie as they have been buzz-bombing me on Twitter.

Redline Brewing's Clutch Pale Ale has
become my go-to at Rib Eye Jack's in
Burlington. At 4.8% and 42 IBUs, I
recently declared on Twitter that this was
the best American Pale Ale in Ontario at
this exact moment, leading to more news!

It all started with Drunk Polkaroo's week-long adventure with his lovely wife, Kat, on their recent 2017 Polkapalooza trip where they visited 50 breweries and drove some 2,700 kilometres (1,680 miles) through the Province. When they were approaching Barrie, there were, of course, three stops: Redline Brewing, Flying Monkeys Brewing and Barnstormer Brewing. Our mutual man of military might, Hago, awaited their arrival at one of those places (Redline, I think) and posted a picture on Twitter of himself, tipping back a pint. Realizing the time factor, Polk had to tweet that they might not make it to him as the clock ticked down. That, in turn, lead me to tweet that we'd all take a trip up to Barrie when the weather broke and get together. Fortunately, Polk soon posted a picture of them connecting. Happy ending, right? Well, this story does not end there.

That was March 14. Four days later, Barnstormer posted a tweet, asking Hago and I if we got that Barrie trip in yet. That simple question seemed to call the Barnstormer Army to arms as it got liked and retweeted too many times to count. Even Hago was baffled, asking, "How is this getting so much traffic?" Clearly, neither of us is used to receiving much attention. Okay, fast-forward to a few days ago when I tweeted a picture of Redline's Clutch American Pale Ale from the tap at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington and called it the best APA in Ontario at the moment. That lead Hago to tell me that I should keep an eye open for their Double Clutch Double IPA. Well, of course! But then, Kaitlyn from Redline (I knew her in her Flying Monkeys days) jumped in, noting that Double Clutch would be arriving at Rib Eye Jack's in the near future!

Here's the picture Hago posted on Twitter as he was
awaiting the arrival of Drunk Polkaroo and the lovely
Kat, Polk's beloved navigator. It's as hazy as the beer!

(I originally had her in here as still working at Flying Monkeys. Rib Eye Steve corrected me. He corrects me about 17 times a week. Usually because I can't tell red from green.)

Well, I don't know what to say about these three Barrie craft breweries other than, well, I will be driving to your ♫ Funky Town! And yes, it'll be sooner rather than later. Trust me when I say, if Hago had to drive down to Burlington and haul my scrawny ass up there himself, he'll make this happen. Also he's a military guy and I'm too afraid not to follow his orders, even as a civilian.

But let's finish this bad boy off with some Barrie reviews, shall we? Show some loving right back at them. And let's start with that Clutch American Pale Ale that I was singing Happy Viking Songs (in the original Norse dialect, too) about just a few paragraphs back. At just 4.8%, talk about your plucky sessioner. The brewery lists the IBUs at 42 but added that was "theoretical." I'm glad they said that as I would have pegged this as closing in on 60. As far as the actual colour, let's stick with the brewery's "hazy straw" description as Barrie CSBs are among the most benevolent in society. Okay, they jam-packed this with Centennial, Citra, Amarillo (yay!) and Mardarina Bavaria hops that give it a really strong fruity nose and metric tons of bitter orange peel on the tongue.

For my money, Polkaroo is absolutely the best beer
photographer in the Province. All of his pictures
jump off whatever social media he is using. Here,
he snapped a shot of Flying Monkeys' Juicy Ass
IPA, a beer previously on tap at Rib Eye Jack's.
I'm pretty sure I don't see the same colours as you.

Many of these will be making the round-trip home with me.

Okay, let's jet across town to Flying Monkeys and look at their Aurora Heart Chocolate Raspberry Stout. Every Winter, Flying Monkeys seems to land a big stout in a colourful box on the LCBO shelves. (Sidebar: If you see their The Chocolate Manifesto Imperial Stout on the shelf, grab it! With both hands. Hold it tight! Knock over an old lady if you have to. But try not to because that's not very nice. However, Soccer Moms in minivans and dudes your own size are fair game.) Okay, back to the Aurora Heart. Whereas The Chocolate Manifesto is like a glass of moist chocolate cake, the 7.1% Aurora Heart is a raspberry truffle in liquid form. Tons of raspberry sweetness on the nose, the combo of chocolate and raspberry and chocolate on the tongue alternates between sweet and tart. It's a Bittersweet Symphony (♫ this life...) of a beer. I have placed the Chocolate Manifesto on a pedestal that's so high, nothing will beat it but damn, this was pretty tasty, too.

Okay, Barnstormer, your Accelerated Stall Maverick's Imperial IPA will be revisited in the next one with updated tasting notes so you're landing on this runway very soon. And Hago, how's April looking for ya, bro? I got me a tasty-ass craft beer itch that apparently only a visit of Barrie can scratch! But guys and dolls (and especially the good folks in Barrie), that's it, that's all and I am outta here. Until next time, I remain...