Colourblindness and black and white IPAs

Somewhere in this muddled mass of coloured dots is
the number 5.  Some 87.5% of you can see that. But
Neil and myself? We see a lot of coloured dots. In fact,
we can't even begin to imagine HOW you see 5 in this.
Also, I hope Google was right and this IS the number 5.

I learned two very interesting things in Grade 1. The first was that girls had "cooties".  Granted, none of us boys knew exactly what cooties were - we only knew that they were highly contagious and all it took was for a girl to simply touch you and *bam*, you have the cooties, too. Catching the cooties would instantly turn you into a playground pariah and eventually you would die... friendless. None of your buddies would come near you to help. Dead boy walking. However, if you have the foresight to write CP on your hand, it rendered you "cootie proof." It was like a force field that no cootie-laden girl (so, all of them) could penetrate. Eventually, by Grade 5 or so, cooties became less of a concern as girls suddenly became attractive, rather than disease-ridden harbingers of doom.

The other thing I learned quite by accident was that I, in fact, was quite colour-blind. This discovery came one day when we were colouring with crayons and my teacher noticed that my sky was purple and sun was orange.

This is what happens when you send me out to
 buy Red Solo Cups for Beer Pong. Also, you
learn to never send me out for anything again.

Did I actually know the sky was blue and the sun was yellow? Of course, I did because even at a tender age, I knew Superman's powers come from Earth's yellow sun, rather than Krypton's orange red sun. Everyone knows that. But I tell you, the news I was colour-blind came completely out of the green. To that end, from that point on, I was the only student in the class allowed to use clearly-labelled colour pencils while the rest were stuck with those crappy crayons. That was cool.

What wasn't cool was that it began a lifetime of people discovering my little colour deficiency and asking me, "What colour is this?" Repeated. For years. In fact, it's still happens. You get sick of it pretty early - like age 10. The last time it happened (this year), a lady held up her brightly-hued scarf (maybe blue, maybe purple) and asked me what colour it was. I studied the scarf for a few seconds and reported grimly, "It is the colour of despair and impending death." She didn't like my answer. But as my grandfather used to say, tough shit.

So what is colour-blindness exactly? Well, for starters, let me answer the first question everyone asks. Yes, we do see colours. 

With its silver writing on (I presume) a pale blue
and gray background, the label on Driftwood
(Rock Bay, BC) Brewing's Fat Tug IPA is as
hard for the colour-blind to decipher as ancient
Egyptian hieroglyphics. I drank it anyways. I
mean, it's the label, not the beer. Who cares?

We just don't see them exactly the same as you colour-sighted bastards. About one in every eight guys (12.5%) is colour-blind. Only one in 200 women is colour-blind so it's very rare there but often leads to some tragic shoe or bra and pantie choices. The most common type is Red-Green Deficiency and involves us confusing the shades or hues between colours. We often confuse blue with purple, simply because we can't detect the red in purple. There's dozens more examples but you get the idea. That said, I read a recent study that hypothesized that no two people on Earth see colours exactly the same. So maybe we're all colour-blind to some degree. Hey, colour-sighted people, it's our turn now! What colour are bananas? What colour are tennis balls? What colour is cheese? Why do you keep saying yellow over and over? You're still screwing with us.

Despite knowing hundreds of people over my lifetime, I have never met another colour-blind guy before. This is until my acclaimed New Zealand beer columnist buddy, Neil Miller, acknowledged that he was, too. Finally, a second member in my little club! I intend to land in New Zealand some day soon and then you'll see a couple of craft beer lovers paint the town... purple! So in honour of my Kiwi brother from another mother, I am sticking to colours that Neil and I never mess up - black and white. Meaning, today, we're gonna talk about black IPAs and mention its lesser inbred cousin, the white IPA. So what's the difference between the two styles?

When you receive an unexpected gift from the Kylie
Kraft Kollection, you soon learn that this wee lassie
tends to go big or go home. Hence, an entire growler of
 Collective Arts Brewing's Collective Project: Black
IPA landed at Donny's Bar and Grill. Pretty sweet.

Well, according to the Beer Advocate, "Black IPAs (or Cascadian Dark Ale), range from dark brown to pitch black and showcase malty and light to moderate roasty notes and are often quite hoppy generally with the use of American hops. Alcohol can range from average to high depending on if the brewery is going for an imperial version." At 9.5% and hopped to the gills, Nickel Brooks' Malevolent Black Imperial IPA is a pretty much a perfect example of a top-flight Black Imperial IPA.

Okay, so in layman's terms, think of something that looks like a porter/stout, often smells like a porter or stout but tastes like an IPA made with a splash of coffee. On the other end of the beer spectrum is the White IPA, a style that marries a Belgian wheat and yeast to some distinct North American IPA hoppiness. Despite my Beer Bro Glenn's love of this oddball style, also called Belgian IPAs, in my case, I usually find them about as exciting as tepid dish-water. Then again, Glenn is the same guy to whom I had to explain that a MILF was supposed to be someone else's mother. (Just kidding but call the Burn Unit anyway. That was one sick bro diss.) But we won't talk white IPAs today because I've only had two of them - one good, one really not good. We'll save those for another day.

Despite its impressive pedigree, I found this
to be a little too heavy on the roasted malts and
a little light on the hops. That said, it was still a
damn tasty beer that stacked up well against
the others I bought for this taste-challenge...

However, thanks to beers like Malevolent Black IIPA, the black IPAs are very much to my taste - the best of IPAs mashed with the best of porters/stouts, all under one bottle cap or bar tap. 

So my favourite beer technician Kylie from Rib Eye Jack's Ale House recently told me she had squirreled away some Collective Arts' Collective Project: Black IPA for me. Much to my surprise, it was a full 1.9 litre (64 ounce) growler of the black gold. That, in turn, lead to a conversation about how much beer we had in our respective fridges as it turned out Kylie struggled to make room for this in hers. Listening in was Wayne Brown, the co-organizer of January's hugely-successful Burlington Beer Fest, who looked at me and asked bluntly, "Do you have any actual food in your fridge?" Of course, I do. There's a brick of cheese (which is apparently "yellow" - like I'm gonna fall for that), a jar of garlic pickles and some expired mayo in there. Geez, dude, I'm not a restaurant.

In actual fact, Neil Miller saw his fridge's top shelf collapse under the weight of the beer on it recently. Mine has bowed, especially when I throw three growlers (the weight of three more six-packs but in concentrated form) in addition to all the bottles already up there but has never broken. As for Neil, he's making due without a top shelf simply because "it'll happen again."

This is a pretty solid effort from Kelowna,
BC's Tree Brewing with their Hophead
Black IPA. Another limited edition that
might be better off in regular rotation. And
 again, another tough-to-read label for me as
the red letters do a jump on the background
though I had to ask my son if that was grey
or green. Again, another tricky one for me.

According to its commercial description, the Collective Project: Black IPA is a "limited-edition, single batch craft beer... smooth with a dry finish and some lingering hop bitterness. With 75 IBUs (international bitterness units) and 6.8% ABV, primary notes of citrus, orange and grapefruit are prevalent. The Galaxy, Mosaic and Simcoe hops are nicely balanced, featuring tropical fruit and background hints of chocolate and roast."

I certainly got the grapefruit and citrus (but not the orange) on the nose and it was everything on the tongue as described. In fact, hints of chocolate and roast were exactly that - hints. If I closed my eyes, I might not have known it was a Black IPA at first. But eventually, that roast hits your tongue. And since I tend to drink with my eyes open, your mouth can't ignore what your eyes see. The limited edition thing sucks ass, though, as this should be part of their regular rotation. I thought it was that good.

Next on deck is Beau's All Natural Brewing's Le Coeur Noir (the black heart), a collaborative effort with Jordan Rainhard of Toronto's Rainhard Brewing. Despite being reasonably new to the brewing game (his brewery is less than two years old), Jordan is known for bringing his Hop Savvy to the A-Game court. According to the commercial description, this "black beer offers up aromas of citrusy, piney hops with malt intonations, toast and restrained mocha. The overall flavour balance favours the impression of juicy, resinous hops supported by a solid malt backbone." Okay, so my coworker Jay-Dawg and I both got bottles and quite by fluke, drank it on the same night.

Although a decent beer, I didn't find this
one quite up to par with the others as it was
just too thin and the hops MIA. It just didn't
meet the lofty expectations I had in advance.

When we swapped notes at work the following day, we decided the beer had a touch too much malt backbone and that the hops didn't carry through quite as much as we would have liked, despite being 60 IBUs. While it does use Centennial hops, it also incorporates the milder Nelson Sauvin and Pacific Gem hops. Perhaps some Galaxy or Cascade might have packed a little more hop punch?

That's said, we both really enjoyed the 7.1% smoky beer. "I thought it tasted great," Jay noted (as did I), "but after you described that Collective Arts one, I was expecting something else." And of course, he now eagerly wants to find the Collective Project before it runs out, as I assured him it leaned far heavier on the hops.

One I also thought was a winner was Tree Brewing's (Kelowna, BC) Hophead Black IPA. Though it lists its IBUs at a mid-boggling 161, it actually doesn't taste hoppier than the Collective Project. Using Summit, Perle, Golding, Centennial and Irish Moss hops (the last of which I've never heard of), the strong use of chocolate malts in the mix ensured you get both the toasty chocolate as well as hops on the tongue, which is the goal of this style. The 8% ABV isn't even vaguely discernible though the rich taste (making it a bit dangerous). Very nicely done, Tree from BC!

Flying Monkey's Netherworld Cascadian
Dark is backlit by a sexy-ugly lamp at Rib
Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington. Both
Jay and I thought the hops were a little too
completely muted in this one which is odd
because it's a Flying Monkeys' product...

I recently grabbed a Big Rig Brewing (Ottawa) Release The Hounds Black IPA with huge expectations. The reason for this is that it beat out both Nickel Brook's Malevolent and Bellwood's (Toronto) Grizzly Bear for American Black Ale at the 2014 Canadian Brewing Awards. I've already explained my love for Malevolent clearly but the Grizzly Beer was one I quite enjoyed during a 2014 birthday visit to Bellwoods. As Beer Bro Glenn and I left, I grabbed a mixed 12-pack that included two of these, two Wizard Wolf Pale Ales and well, eight Witchshark Imperial IPAs. I'll let you deduce my favourite but with a dozen different beers available at the retail outlet, if Grizzly made my take-home stash, it was damn good.

Okay, while I do congratulate Big Rig on its impressive win, I have also discovered I could never be a CBA judge because I don't believe this even belongs on the same table as either Malevolent or Grizzly. The nerd does not sit with the cool kids. Every teen movie tells us that. And while those two are rich, thick and delicious, the Release the Hounds was... not so much. It had a nice tan head and a decent smell of coffee but was somewhat thin on the tongue. Zero hops. Gonna guess this 6.2% offering was maybe somewhere in the 30-40 IBUs zone. It's a good beer (though not a great one like the other two) but as far as black IPAs go, this was a nice porter.

And finally, our good friends at Flying Monkey (Barrie) have an offering called Netherworlds Cascadian Dark Ale, which as noted earlier is a subsection for black IPAs.

Okay, something I had not considered
when I talked about whether or not
Molson's new Belgian Moon was actually
Rickard's White in disguise. Jay-Dawg
drank Rickard's White for years. So
maybe I should have just asked him???

As it turns out, Netherworlds is on one of two Flying Monkeys' taps at Rib Eye Jack so Jay and I both tried one during a recent visit. Again, wasn't getting much in the way of hops off this, which is surprising because I've long suspected the folks at Flying Monkeys add hops to their morning pot of coffee. They're hop goons. But it did have a lovely deep taste. "This is more porter than an IPA," I suggested. Jay noted, "Actually, the smell and taste is a lot like a dark lager to me." I suggested to Kylie that the IBUs in this must be incredibly low. "Higher than you think," she smiled. I checked - 35 IBUs. I wonder if she ever gets tired of being right all the time? That's a heavy crown to wear. Not that I'd know. That said, okay, not much of a black IPA but definitely one of the best ales I've had this year. (Side question to Flying Monkeys: Are you and Central City Brewing out of Surrey, BC ever doing your collaborative Red-On-Red Imperial Red Ale again? Only the best red I've ever had in my life and I would be ever so grateful. I have a crapload of Monopoly money here. It's all yours. I also have random buttons if that sweetens the deal. Lots of buttons.)

Well, that ends our black IPA portions of the evening (some polite golf applause if you would) but Jay-Dawg has a point he would like me to make. Since he's a bro and friend and other fist-bumping man crap, okay, I will. I wondered in this very space if Molson's new Belgian Moon was actually their Rickard's White, Canada's best-selling wheat. I really only drink German-style wheats so I was clueless. (Another heavy crown to wear.) Jay says no. He drank Rickard's White for years and he says the Rickard's product is mostly citrus-based while the Belgian Moon had orange overtones with a touch of coriander and other spices he doesn't know because he's a dude.

When New Zealand and Australia faced off in
cricket, my man, Neil, and his friend Anika
had a sign made up for Aussie batsman David
Warner. This turned into the funniest shitstorm
ever on social media, especially on Twitter...

Okay then, somewhat different beers. Good on you, Molson's.

Well, Neil Miller has been prominently featured in today's column so let's finish up with him. He and his friend Annika recently attended a cricket match (that's apparently a sport of some sort) featuring his beloved New Zealand against arch-rivals Australia. So he created a sign that said, "David Warner likes Nickelback" to diss the premier Aussie striker. Except Warner didn't get the joke because apparently, he is the one person in the universe who doesn't know who Nickelback is. But the sign got tons of media play. Indeed, Fox Sports down there said on-air, "That's harsh. That's really harsh." (Actually, all Neil wanted was for Warner to join him for a beer.) This lead to some "nasty" back-and-forth banter on Twitter between Warner and Miller that included sophisticated discussions of 1970s porn 'staches and Twitter followers. It was the funniest thing I have seen on Twitter in quite some time and got even crazier on Neil's Facebook. (Beer Bro Stevil St Evil and I happily joined in.) All I know is this. When I get down to New Zealand this year for some serious craft beer drinking, I am in the best of hands with Stevil and Neil. Kiwis might actually be funnier than Canadians. But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here! Until next time I remain...