A history lesson gone awry...

Our favourite crazy Dutch bastard, Ronny, hoists
a pint during our mini White Oaks class reunion
held at the Sixth Line Pub on December 19th...

There is nothing like a little high school reunion to bring back long-forgotten memories...

That was precisely the case when my class at White Oaks Secondary School decided to celebrate the return of Project 360, a band that has our old buddy, Bob ("the magnificent beast"), as its bass player, when they took the stage at Sixth Line Pub and Sports Grill on December 19th.

Now to be brutally frank, our crowd doesn't need booze to have a good time. We just drink copious amounts in order to support a local business. We're kinda noble that way. (Hello, Vatican... about that sainthood? We're waiting...) And through the evening, beer-soaked revelations of the past seem to magically get unearthed.

Take, for instance, the sordid tale of the Piedmont, Sardinia Presentation, done by myself and Ronny back in Mr. MacLeod's Grade 11 History class. You see, my old buddy, Ronny, is now very successfully practising Family Law in a nice downtown Oakville firm. And frankly, it's nice to count a lawyer among your friends because of... well, jail reasons. Now the teacher just randomly paired people up. At that point, Ronny and I didn't know each other very well but I'll tell you this - by the end of our presentation, we certainly did.

♫ Every rose has its thorn... ♫ My friend Kim
and I may have had a few wobbly-pops at our
high school reunion. The use of the word
"may" also might bit a little disingenuous...

Because the teams were being called up alphabetically, Ronny and I hadn't even cracked open a book. His last name is Vandersteen, mine is Redmond so there's a whole lotta alphabet in front of us. Except the other teams were a little smarter than us - all of them had made sure at least one team member didn't attend class on Day 1 of the presentations. So as the teacher worked his way through the alphabet, Ronny and I looked at each other... and started to panic. I think there were five or six pages on Sardinia and we started furiously flipping through them. Because yeah, the teacher got to our names on Day Friggin' 1, simply because we were the only team in attendance. So here's what you need to know about Piedmont, Sardinia before I continue. Sardinia was a European country from 1324 to 1861 and Piedmont was its capitol. Eventually, they grew weary of people asking, "So, Sardinia... like sardines, right?" (Or something like that.) So they changed the country's name to Italy because when Italians talk, they tend to use their hands as italics. (Again, or something like that.) So  Ronny and I trudged up to the front of the class and reluctantly took our seats in the two desks facing the class.

Look at Magnificent Beast Bob on bass
belts out a love song by ZZ Top! What?
I love Cheap Sunglasses. Everyone does!

And then, well, something crazy happened. I kicked off the presentation, reciting about two minutes of Sardinian history while Ronny continued to flip through the pages under the desk. At a certain point, I ran out of facts that I had memorized just minutes earlier and simply said, "And now I'll pass this to Ronny." Well, sonuvagun if he didn't start spouting new facts, carrying the ball to midfield while I flipped through the pages under the desk. Then he passed it back to me. This back-and-forth went on for a solid 15 minutes until classmates had heard quite enough about Sardinia as we crossed the goal-line to shut 'er down. Against all logic, this Stall-and-Bluff approach actually worked. We got a 90% for our presentation, simply because we were the only pair who did one that day. Ronny claims that not only did we bond as friends that day, he still uses the Stall-and-Bluff in court to his advantage. "You taught me that tactic," he laughed, "and it has worked very well for me in my career." Well, in actual fact, I think he and I both learned that skill simultaneously on the spot that day. And we seriously put our classmates behind the 8-ball when Mr. MacLeod called up other teams with the stern addendum of "I don't want to see another Ron and Don Show up front." Yeah, right, good luck duplicating that miracle. You can only turn chicken shit into chicken salad once. Also I refuse to take any credit for helping to create a lawyer. Even a cool one like Ronny.

Just some city boys... born and raised in Falgarwood... My
old neighbourhood buddies Bill and Dave were not averse
to hoisting many, many pints on this crazy reunion evening

In other high school news, Project 360 bass player Bob now goes by a new name and I'm a little bit (100%) responsible. His birthday was earlier this month so I went on his Facebook page, posted a picture of him playing at a gig and wrote, "Look at this magnificent bastard! It's his damn birthday! That's some crazy shit right there!" It got a truck-load of "likes" but Bob's own sister decided it was time to rechristen him "The Magnificent Beast." He seems to revel in it. Bass players are wired very differently than you and me.

I got a chance to talk to Kim who recently created a blog on her struggles with depression. Three blogs in, her articles are poignant, wry, beautifully-written (I'm a little jealous) and straight from the heart. (Jealous again - wish I had one of those.) I honestly believe she's gonna help a lot of people with her words. She's a classy dame.

Is this America's best craft lager? No but it is their
best-known craft lager and lemme tell you, it's a big
step up from the other choices at the Sixth Line Pub

Our new "It Couple", Bill and Ingrid were there after having reconnected at our Spring Reunion back in May. While I, of course, suspect roofies were involved, Ingrid says no. She claims she genuinely likes this no-good-nik Bill. Which is, frankly, what someone on roofies would say. But by and large, it was just an all-round blast. Great music, great fun, great to see everyone again.

But was there great beer? Well, lemme tell ya, the Sixth Line Pub is a Molson bar on tap but smack-dab in the middle, with the highest tap handle, is Samuel Adams Boston Lager. Also on tap is Molson's new Belgian Moon, which is a take-off of America's biggest selling wheat, Blue Moon, which I have long suspected to be Rickard's White as they are all brewed in Montreal. But I forgot to try the new (old?) wheat because Bill accidentally roofied me. And I am being charitable with that "accidental" part.

So I had me a Sammy Adam's kind of night. In fact, by the end of the night, I got my full Massachusetts on and was referring to people as chowdah-heads. As comedian Louis CK noted, it's not so much an accent as it is an entire city saying words wrong.

Should you feel the urge to try this beer, just
call me and I will come over and kick you in
the nuts until that urge passes. Truly horrible

That said, I actually like that Bahstun accent. I think it's cool and even I know you can't start "your cahhh without your khakis." And I genuinely like Sam Adams Boston Lager. Consider this - it's a lager that got 57 on RateBeer. If you know anything about the beer rating site, that's like an IPA getting a 99. Lagers are lucky to get a 15, much less a 57. The German Noble hops - Hallertau Mittelfruh and Tettnang Tettnanger - actually give this beer some decent flavour for two hops I've studied about as long as I studied Sardinia. While I ripped their Cherry Wheat to shreds, I genuinely do love their Rebel IPA and Boston Lager so the boys at Boston Beer Company are batting a sweet .667 with me. Much like their Red Sox will be now that they have our Toronto Blue Jays pitcher David Price. Bastahds.

Well, the downside to this little horse and pony show called Brew Ha Ha! is that I feel compelled to try every beer. And that was the case when Warsteiner Double Hopped Pilsner landed in my Beer Store. I would love to tell you how it tasted but I would be basing my opinion on the fact I had one sip before I poured it down my kitchen sink drain.

This is a damn good session IPA. Grapefruit on
the nose and tongue, I have had more than a few
of these and this is wayyyy up there. Nice job!!

Calling it tinny would be unfair to the metal industry. Calling it rancid would be unfair to the people who make Axe body "cologne". Calling it a dandy drain cleaner, well, let's let the Drano people deal with that slight. If you don't do something in 2015, put this at the top of the list - something between putting your junk in a meat grinder and ironing dress shirts. (Body heat, people... fixes everything!)

Let's wrap up with a good one - Collective Arts' State of Mind Session IPA. I bought 12 of these because they were on sale at my Beer Store. (A six pack cost $13.95, a 12 pack, just $10 more. Sold to the man who doesn't iron! And shout-out to the women who avoid him because of that! I admire your common sense! Please point me to the ones who don't have that!) Tons of grapefruit on the nose and tongue, in a year of both bad and good session IPAs, this 4.4% poppy brew is on Santa's nice list. Or maybe naughty. Not sure how that Santa list works. Because... Donny behaviour. But coworker Jay-Dawg and I agree. It's damned good.

Okay, final thoughts. Samuel Adams, you made me believe I could dance last night. I can't. That, sir, was just mean. And American Republican candidate Donald Trump says he wants to ban all Muslims from entering the USA. Aside from stealing his platform from 1939 German foreign policy, he is clearly ignoring America's own history because Prohibition has taught us that won't work. People will just start brewing their own Muslims in their bathtubs. Never ignore history, be it Sardinian or American. But guys and dolls, that's it, that all and I am outta here! Until next time, I remain...