Guinness vs Guinness: St Paddy's Day smackdown

Back in the day, I used to think Guinness was this heavy,
thick, dark beer... Heavy? Here it is in a glass with Sprite.

Tomorrow is St Patrick's Day - or Amateur Night, as my friend, Stevil St Evil refers to it, given people's inclination to over-imbibe green draught beer... and feel even greener the following morning. You know these people. You've seen these people. Some of them wake up the next morning next to their new Irish friend, Paddy O'Furniture. (Old joke. Q: What was eight arms and an IQ of 80? A: Four frat boys drinking on St Paddy's Day.)

Now this St Patrick's Day, I'll be able to do something I've never done before: drink a Guinness. You see, back in the old pre-Brew-Ha-Ha days, I think I had one sip of it years ago... and recoiled in horror. I was a mainstream Canadian lager/pilsner drinker in those days, usually leaning to the likes of Labatt's Blue. For decades. Many, many decades.

That is, until I started this little beer-soaked horse and pony blog show last June and started charting new waters. But for the first four months of this blog, I steadfastly avoided porters and stouts. Two reasons: #1) late last Summer, I discovered IPAs, which continue to preoccupy my very existence on this mud-ball and #2) they still scared the hell out of me.

The Irish Beer Discovery Pack: Two Guinness, two Harp Lager, one
Smithwick's Red Ale and one Kilkenny Cream Ale. You wanna call yourself
Irish tomorrow, you had better start with some of these bad boys, rookie!

Finally, in my October 4 blog, I manned up and split a sixer of Mill Street Coffee Porter with co-worker, Saga. And *bam* a new love story had begun... first with porters, then with stouts. My stout cherry-buster was Nickel Brook's Bolshevik Bastard Imperial Stout and from there, it just got better and better. Now stouts are my second-favourite beer style behind IPAs and I'll tell you this: if it wasn't for the F&M Stonehammer Oatmeal Coffee Stout warming me up at the Winter Craft Beer Festival, I would have frozen to death. Okay, not really but if anyone (okay, women) questions my love for beer, I can smile and say wistfully, "Beer saved my life." Then I glance to the heavens with a dreamy look... and they usually let the matter drop because I'm obviously both a hopeless case and lost cause. Which is the actual intent. Not a fan of nagging. Like every guy in the universe.

You will see many of these t-shirts tomorrow, accompanied
by a plethora of green. And admit it. You'd happily kiss her
even if her once-a-year shirt said: "Kiss Me, I'm Rwandan"

Well, since it will be St Patrick's Day tomorrow, please allow me to be your full-blooded Irish beer guide. Okay, half-blooded - I'm Scottish on my mother's side which should technically means that I love to drink but hate to pay for it. Obviously, my Irish side beats my Scottish side into submission on that little internal drinking vs paying conflict. But the Redmonds are from Wexford County in Ireland and let me tell you what I have learned over the years about Wexford. It starts with 'W'... okay, good enough, let's drink some Irish beer.

First up, my old nemesis, Guinness Draught. How is it these days? Well, after drinking Muskoka's Winter Beard Chocolate Cranberry Stout, Flying Monkeys' The Chocolate Manifesto Imperial Stout and Bellwood's Hellwoods Russian Imperial Stout, Guinness is... incredibly (almost mind-bogglingly) light-tasting. To my taste-buds now, this lacks the rich complexity of the previously-mentioned (much higher alcohol) stouts. However, that doesn't tell the full story of the world's most popular draught stout.

If you noticed the Guinness before you
noticed her eyes... you may be Irish...

The nitrogen cartridge that ignites the second you crack the can open actually creates a head that stays for the entire length of the beer. (Less-challenging in my case, yes...) Lightly licorice on the nose, this 4.2% offering is slightly burnt malt on the tongue. And again, I am stunned by how light this beer is. I have been told I have to try it on tap to get the full Guinness Experience and believe me, I will. My high school buddy, Roy, went one further, toured the actual St James's Gate Brewery in Dublin and had it on tap there. He raved to me about it. And Roy knows beer. Granted, during our high school days, we were out for nights on the town where Roy and I were both happy if we knew our address by the end of the night... and were still wearing shoes... and pants... shirts... any semblance of dignity.

Next up in my little Irish Beer Discovery Pack was Smithwick's Red Ale. Pouring a deep blood red, it is malty and fruity on the nose (hard to distinguish - apple, perhaps?), malty sweetness and some bitterness on the tongue. A highly-quaffable red ale - a style I happen to really enjoy - at 4.5%, this could be an awesome summer patio beer.

Guinness Extra Stout, made here under licence
by Labatt's. A little closer to my kind of stout

Next on deck, representing the Irish side, we have Kilkenny Cream Ale. Pouring ruby red, its nose is malty (not much else) and on the tongue is remarkably thin for a cream ale, even a 4.3% one. You know what I can say about having this Kilkenny Cream Ale? I can say I've had a Kilkenny Cream Ale. That's about it. Not horrible but also not remarkable in any way, shape, form or manner.

Which brings me to the final Irish beer (but there's more), Harp Lager. Okay, here we go. If you go out for St Paddy's festivities and you drink Canadian, Coors Light, Blue, Bud or Keith's, boy, do I have the authentic Irish beer for you. It's exactly like those... though a touch more flavourful. Some malt, corn and grassiness to the nose... mild malt on the tongue, it's fairly typical of a North American mass-produced lager but again - to repeat - it's Irish!!! It's 5% so in the comfort zone and if you're drinking it and really want to give off that Irish inflection, just say these four words repeatedly and more quickly each time you down another Harp: "Whale Oil Beef Hooked." You're welcome. Told you I was a good Irish beer guide... y'know, for a half-blood...

The Irish strategy for the next major war?
Build a Guinness tank, drink a bunch of it
and then fall asleep. Fighting is for bars....

Well, we're bringing this show back to Canada to investigate the Guinness Extra Stout, brewed here under licence by Labatt Brewery. Okay, so credit where credit is due, this 5% stout packs a lot more punch than the Dublin version. Chocolate and licorice on the nose and the same on the tongue with some roasted bitterness. Because it doesn't use a nitro cartridge, it doesn't retain the head for very long but that said, this is actually a really good tasty stout. I could drink this happily and likely will. But here's an interesting sidenote for the guys: a loyal Labatt's Guinness customer swore up and down to Saga and me that it has, well, magical powers below the belt line. His exact words? "Liquid Viagra." Saga and I both walked out with a six-pack that day. If he's right, that vegetable crisper at the bottom of the fridge that never has vegetables in it because, well, this is Donny's Bar and Grill, which is kind of a veggie-free zone? It's becoming my Labatt's Guinness crisper. The other crisper is always full of potatoes because... oh, I mentioned the Irish thing, right? (For the record, RateBeer disagrees with me with the Dublin version scoring 88 to Labatt's 81.)

And here's a unique craft beer, the Black Creek Historical Brewery's Irish Potato Stout. My Three Beer Musketeer compadre Cat has a step-sister who is the GM of Black Creek Pioneer Village operation in Toronto. So here's where it gets interesting...

The Black Creek Historical Brewery's Irish Potato Stout:
no studies as of yet as to its effects on the male libido...

Cat and her step-sister are chatting one day about the job, what it entails, y'know job stuff. It's a pioneer village so lots of people in olde-timey clothes, tapping trees for maple syrup, churning butter, doing pioneer stuff... all for the benefit of eager (and probably a few less-eager, like I was) school kids to learn about life in the pioneer days was like. Gonna guess it sucked pretty hard but still, good stuff to know, right? So she's telling Cat, "I'm in charge in this stuff, that stuff, other things (I'm paraphrasing here) and of course, the brewery." Brewery... Brewery? Brewery!!!!! Yup, it turns out this historical village has a brewery. Okay, maybe pioneer times sucked a little less than I thought. And it turns out that brewery makes a Irish Potato Stout. It only has five reviews on RateBeer (not enough for a score) so I wrote one, giving it a 17 out of 20. My review?
"I am so used to fruit and chocolate-flavoured stouts that this one slapped me a little. I get the feeling this is what stouts are meant to be. Licorice to the nose, light chocolate and heavier licorice on the tongue. This is actually a really solid stout for a 5% beer."

My mark may have been a tad generous but what the hell... Cat's step-sister. No word as of yet if it has the same magical powers that the Labatt's Guinness allegedly does... but given the way the Irish procreate??? Not a bad bet.

Green draft beer tomorrow night? Yeah, don't. Never ends
well. Also, green dye turns your pee a really bizarre colour...

Okay, that wraps up the St. Paddy's Brew Ha Ha! Remember last blog when I wound it down by saying next time I would be talking about Collective Art's Rhyme & Reason Pale Ale, Founder's Pale Ale, Amsterdam's Autumn Hop, Anchor's Liberty Ale, Brewery Ommegang's Hennipen Saison, Double Trouble's Fire in the Rye RPA, Young's Double Chocolate Stout and anything else, I can shoe-horn in??? 

Yeah, that's still true. Next time... Okay, shout-outs... remember my last outing about ditching Comic Con to go to Steam Whistle? Well, Pizza Dude, The IPA Guy was the ditchee we left behind... here's his story of how the Two Beer Musketeers ditched him at: Where's Everyone Go? Wait... Is That A Brewery Over There? And of course, Cat revisits her beloved Amsterdam Brewery with the Pizza Dude in this offering called: I Am A Golden Goddess In This Brewery!!!

Okay, Gang at Cheers, that's it, that's all... and I am outta here!!!!! Until next time, I remain, as always...