Lake of Bays Brewing love their hockey

All-Star Toronto Maple Leafs goalie, Johnny Bower,
who won four Stanley Cups with his team in the 1960s,
had an odd greeting for me on an autographed picture.
This was the very photograph Anne had him sign for me!

Let me take you back a few years to a tiny newspaper I used to work at called the Halton Compass. We had a pretty solid (though crazy) staff of freelance writers and photographers for a little independent newspaper and as the Assistant Editor, it was my job to keep them all busy. A real-life version of letting the worst inmate run the asylum, as it were.

Now I was, in fact, the de facto editor but the owner, a funny, friendly Brit named Stephen was listed as both the publisher and editor hence my title. Since I care little about titles ("Hey!!! That's Mister Dickhead to you!"), it didn't matter to me what I was called.

Until the one day when I did. You see, among my freelancers was a crazy young girl named Ann. Now Ann was an artist by trade (and a pretty good one) but she also wrote some, well, interesting though clever pieces for us. Her greatest strength, however, was her photography which showed some real skills. Like professional skills. But calling her quirky, as many artists can be, was a little like calling beer wet... and super tasty. Understatement of the year. So this one day, her assignment was to go to a local bookstore where former Toronto Maple Leaf goaltending great, Johnny Bower, was doing a book signing.

This 16 Crazy Eyes Winter Bock Lager is probably the BEST
Lake of Bays Brewing product I have enjoyed to date. Once
again, I learned something. Such as there exists bock lagers!

But I had an extra "assignment within the assignment" because that's what the clever assistant editors all do. It was simply this: get me a personalized autographed picture of Bower. Also get the story with pictures, you know, for the paper - but dammit, get me that pic! I am happy to report she did - though with a typical Ann Twist. The autographed photo said: "To Don. The Best Ass Editor. Johnny Bower #1."

Ass Editor? Was my employer the Halton Compass... or Playboy??? Unfortunately, it was the former. But, of course, I had to ask, "Did you have a hand in this personalized greeting, Ann?" No, no, no, she swore up and down. It was just what he wrote, she insisted. With that, she turned around to leave before pausing briefly, looking back over her shoulder and giving me a wink. Little minx. I got her back. I checked out her butt as she was leaving. What can I say? It's what good Ass Editors do!

Why would they named a beer honouring former
Leaf Darcy Tucker "Crazy Eyes"??? You know
what? Forget I asked. That's a stupid question...

But it turns out I'm not the only one interested in Johnny Bower. Our friends at Lake of Bays' Brewing in tiny Baysville, Ontario, also have an interest in him... and many more former NHL players. (Shout-out to my favourite LoB sales rep, Tim - zup, bro? We need more Spark House Red Ale. I keep drinking it all.) No, you see, Lake of Bays created something called their Signature Series which not only honours former NHLers but also gives a portion of the beers' proceeds to the NHL Alumni Association. The only thing more Canadian than that would be sweating maple syrup and bleeding poutine. What a great cause and if you didn't think this brewery was awesome before, well, there's your reason. Among those honoured thus far: Bower with the China Wall (his nickname) Amber Lager, superstar Montreal Canadian goalie Jacques Plante with their Jake The Snake Imperial Pilsner, Leaf goalie Curtis Joseph with their Cujo Blonde Ale (had it, reviewed it, loved it) and Boston goalie Gerry Cheevers with their Stitches Oktoberfest Marzen Lager.

When Miss Canada contestant Chanel Beckenlehner
competed in the Miss Universe Pageant in Miami on
Sunday, we specifically asked her not to play into any
Canadian stereotypes. She largely succeeded with this
oh-so-subtle tribute to hockey. And yes, that is a Stanley
Cup in her Marie Antoinette hair. Whoa, Canada...

As I said, I have only had the Cujo, which was pretty damn tasty but man, they have outdone themselves with their latest outing - the 16 Crazy Eyes Darcy Tucker Winter Bock Lager. I have to say that even including their great Mocha Porter, this is hands-down their best beer yet. Nearly as dark as a stout, this 8% bock lager knocked me out with its coffee and licorice on the nose and bitter-sweet chocolate on the tongue. Beautiful job on this beer and great work with the NHL Alumni Association, guys. Much like Tucker himself, this bad boy will be getting penalized in my fridge for more than two minutes in the immediate future. (Seriously, Darcy, get the hell out of my fridge.)

Moving along to Peterborough, that town's craft brewer The Publican House Brewery recently released their Square Nail Pale Ale into the liquor store and while it's a solid brew, it's the Publican House history that I find intriguing. Owner John Conquer was part-owner of Kawartha Lakes Brewing before it shut down in 2004 and had the rights to some of its biggest names snapped up by Toronto's Amsterdam Brewery. Conquer then spent five years working on a business plan to reopen a brewery before landing in a historical home in Peterborough with an adjacent restaurant in 2009. And why is their location primo? It's smack-dab in the middle of student housing for Trent University and Fleming College. Guess who the leading consumers of good craft beer are? Bingo!

So how is Nickel Brook's and Collective Arts' collaborative expansion into
the old Lakeport Brewery going in Hamilton?? See for yourself. As their
Brewmaster Ryan wryly noted on Twitter, "This thing is starting to look
like a thing that makes stuff." The brewery, named Arts & Sciences Brewing,
is expected to be open by the late-Spring. All these tanks were bought from
Sleeman's Brewing when they shut down their Maritime plant last year.

While the brewery concentrates on just six different styles at the moment, the Publican House Ale is largely considered their flag-ship beer. However, that Square Nail (often used in the construction of 1800s homes) Pale Ale? The 5.9% offering packs a little punch with citrus and orange on the nose and light bitter pine on the tongue. It's not gonna knock over bigger contenders such as Nickel Brook's Naughty Neighbour or Great Lake Brewing's Canuck but you know what? If I lived in Peterborough, I would consider myself well-serviced, indeed, by this beer and the brewery.

Well, last Saturday was Robbie Burns' Day and even though I'm only half-Scottish, I am genetically-encoded to celebrate properly. Just as I celebrate Recycling Day with the same aplomb. I do stop short of wearing the kilt. That's good news for everyone! However, 'kilt' is what you might get if you ever dared to call one a 'skirt' in front of a burly Scot's man.

Okay, these are just cool! Nickel Brook
recently released these one-litre, stainless
steel growlers that look like mini-kegs. At
$30 per, they are a bit pricey but their
promotions lady, Amy, tells me that are
getting snapped up. One will be - by me!

Well, then, what better choice than Highlander Brew Company's Scottish Ale? Much like The Publican, Highlander also started up in 2009 when Brewmaster Brian Wilson (in case you were wondering what he did after the Beach Boys) created the Scottish Ale. Since then, he has added their Blacksmith Smoked Porter (had this tasty smoky black-bomb at the Toronto Festival of Beers Spring Session at the Evergreen Brickworks last March) and their Lions Grass, which uses organic lemongrass and dandelion leaf in the mix, as well as the odd seasonal and collaborative brew. So they are a tiny outfit in a tiny town. But the Scottish Ale uses four varieties of both hops and malts before Wilson cracks the barley on site to ensure freshness. This is very much a U.K.-style of beer with toffee and malt on the nose, this is a bit too sweet for me on the tongue (honey. perhaps) but is still quite drinkable. Granted, their Smoked Porter has made many repeat visits to Donny's Bar and Grill so Highlander is doing alright by this guy. (I just pointed two thumbs at myself when I said, "this guy" but you may have missed it.)

But could I truly honour the legendary Scottish poet Burns without imbibing a couple of Innis & Gunn beers, straight from Edinborough? Beats me. The guy's dead. Has been since 1796. Like he cares. I just wanna drink beer and use him as my excuse. Hell, I'd honour a mime to drink beer. And then strangle him. So steer clear of me, also dead Marcel Marceau.
Okay, this time around, I tried their Rare Oak Pale Ale and Scotch Whiskey Porter. Their Rare Oak Pale Ale was something of a dud for me. You get hopeful with a hint of spice and floral on the nose but on the tongue, it was far too sweet.

The Whistler Brewing Company knows
how to lure you into their bar. Because
a man walked into it... and had lots of fun!

I much preferred the Square Nail Pale Ale over this - North American style over United Kingdom. However, big thumbs up for their Scotch Whiskey Porter. Now we're talking! Aged over oak infused with whiskey, there's plenty of that on the nose with some malty, bready, toffee and even banana on the tongue. Dynamite little brew. Robbie Burns would be proud if he wasn't so... dead.

Next up, I went out and watched my buddy Lloyd's band, Speakeasy, play at The Purple Heather in Burlington on Robbie Burns Day and lemme tell you this. If "too drunk to stand" is a yoga pose, I nailed the hell out of that one. Fun night with a truly great Nickel Brook standard on tap.

Okay, what's been brewing on Mini-Cask Thursday at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House, also here in Burlington? Oh, I've had a couple of dandies... and one "meh". They can't all be winners. That's why track and field meets hand out "Participant" ribbons. Hell, I have a drawer full of those. Because I was quite literally forced to participate in track and field events. Often above my screams of "When did I wake up in Russia, you bastards???"

But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain as always...

.

GO Train Beers and birthdays

Take a good look before she uses it as her official painting
T-Shirt. Yes, that is Beer Musketeer Cat, as well as Beer
Musketeer Blair, happily wearing their Beer Store T-Shirts.

Well, last weekend marked yet another milestone in the lives of two Beer Musketeers. Against all odds, Cat and Blair had managed to make it to another birthday, one in which we gathered to celebrate at the huge Real Sports bar across the street from the Air Canada Centre where my beloved Toronto Maple Leafs have continued to start the season in October red-hot and then come January lose their the majority of their hockey games with hard-to-fathom consistency. I have lots of buddies who are fans of other teams and since the Leafs last won the Stanley Cup in 1967, they like to note that at least the pictures of their Stanley Cup winning teams are in colour, rather than black-and-white. I call those friends by one collective name - Bastards. Anywho, back to the party - dubbed the "B & C's Craft Beer Birthday Bonanza!"

Real Sports has a 40-foot high-def TV screen... for
when you want to see yet another crushing,
humiliating defeat up close and personal...

The simple fact is we had to get to the party first so Ladyfriend Lee and I opted for the GO Train. When she noted she probably hadn't been on the GO Train since she was 20, I decided it was high time she be initiated with a long-standing tradition, known simply as GO Train Beers. The game is every bit as simplistic as it sounds - you sit on the GO Train and with some modicum of discretion, you drink beers all the way from Burlington to Toronto. As I scoured Donny's Bar & Grill for suitable surreptitious beer camouflage, Lee held up her huge red mittens and said, "Will these work?" Well, hey now... yes, yes, they will! And did. While GO Train Beers sounds as classless as it actually is, you can add a small element of sophistication to the proceedings by turning it into a beer tasting session. ("No, officer, we are not drinking in public. We were having a mobile beer tasting session and it's classy!") So the GO Train Beers ran the gamut - a Schofferhofer Hefeweizen, a tasty wheat straight from Hamburg, a Pilsner Urquell direct from the Czech Republic, a Smithwick's Ale from the folks at the Guinness factory in Dublin and representing Canada, a Neustadt Springs Scottish Ale, which scored bronze in the US Open Beer Championships last July in Atlanta.

Well, yeah, this would have come in handy!!

Lee said she wanted to start with something lighter so into her mitt went the Schofferhofer while I cracked the Scottish Ale - the only one I'd never sampled. (The *thud* you just heard was the collective jaws of my friends hitting the table.) I am staggered this only scored a 39 on RateBeer (which is why I don't always give that site much credence) because damn, that's tasty. Lightly caramel and malt on the nose (even in the can), there's a nice touch of bitter-sweetness and heavy malt boldness on the tongue. The judges in Atlanta (how do I get that job?) knew their stuff. But Lee found the Schofferhofer too light so we switched. "Okay," she noted, "this has a ton of flavour!" Round two consisted of her trying the Pilsner Urqell while I had the Smithwick's. Again, too light for her so we switched - Musical Beers, the classy game. "I love the apple in this," she smiled. Upon hearing our selections and beer count for the ride, Beer Musketeer Stevil St Evil wryly surmised that our trip must have taken about 16 minutes. Close enough.

And speaking of birthdays, mine is February
14th and here's a dandy gift idea for this guy!
Yeah, uh, pretty sure they're sold in pairs, too!
And that at least 10 of you should buy me pairs!
And that by 10 of you, I actually mean 20 of you!

Once we landed in Toronto, it took us a while to find the bar but aided with the directions of helpful strangers, we managed. Once there, we joined Blair, Cat, Beer Musketeer Glenn, his young son, Jake and Cat's friends, Andrew and Randolph for a night of merriment. But first, gift bags! All of these purchased at my Beer Store (because I am just that lazy), Blair got an eight-pack of his beloved Creemore Springs Lager while Cat has a varied assortment with pairs of Dab Dark Lager, HogsBack Brewery (Ottawa) Vintage Lager, Double Trouble Brewing's (Guelph) Fire In The Rye Pale Ale and one of her personal favourites, Side Launch Brewing's (Collingwood) Dark Lager. Also in the bags from absent co-worker Marie was a Craft Beer Guide for all of Canada but there was one more treat. Both bags had a Beer Store T-shirt. You see, Cat feels about the Beer Store the same way I feel about vegetables. That is to say, not positively. But being a Master of Mayhem, I find it impossible not to stir the pot a little. Okay, a lot. There could be two possible responses: one, complete revulsion on her end or two, a hearty laugh at the irony. I decided either result would be entertaining. And the winner was...? She laughed like a fool and immediately put the shirt on. After the pair posed for pictures that were instantly posted to Facebook, Cat went to take hers off. Uhhhh, not so fast. Blair, who doesn't care where he buys his beers, had other ideas. "We're wearing these all night!" and by gawd, they did.

Whenever someone asks, "Hey, Donny, what are you
doing this weekend?" I usually just send this picture

And, as the TV Guide is fond of saying, "Hilarity ensued." We had a great night. The bar's craft beer selection was a bit light but there were some strong ones on there, including Junction Craft Brewery's solid Conductor's Craft Ale, Flying Monkey Craft Brewing's outstanding Hoptical Illusion Not So Pale Ale and Mill Street Brewing's dynamite Tankhouse Ale. But when I saw both Amsterdam Brewery's deadly Boneshaker IPA and personal favourite Muskoka Brewery's Twice As Mad Tom Double IPA, well, I knew I'd be good to go! Throw Nickel Brook's Headstock IPA and Flying Monkeys Smashbomb Atomic IPA into the mix and I would have camped out in the booth. Quite probably, without intention. But despite our ages, we still do birthdays like we're 21 years old which, in my case, is a good thing because I haven't seen much in the way of personal growth since that age. Great night!

Okay, according to some clock somewhere, it's officially Beer O'Clock at Donny's Bar and Grill so let's look north-east to our friends at Beau's All-Natural Brewing in the tiny farming community of Vankleek Hill, Ontario.

In the Best Of Beau's 2014 Mix Pack, all four were great but
the Burnt Rock Vanilla Porter and Mission Accomplished
American IPA ruled the school. But wow, what a great mix!

I recently snagged their The Best Of Beau's 2014 Mix Pack which contains, as advertised, four of their best from last year, including their St Luke's Verse Lavender Gruit, the Mission Accomplished American IPA, the Winterbrewed Coffee Amber and the Burnt Rock Vanilla Porter. Despite the presence of a very strong IPA, for me, this mixed-four was a dead-heat between the Mission Accomplished and the Burnt Rock. Because it's Beau's with emphasis on the All-Natural, meaning it's all organic in these babies. As I get older, I am more concerned about what I put in my body (I so don't care) and want to make wiser choices (if it tastes good, asbestos could be an ingredient) so all-natural and organic is very important to me (not really - Beau's just makes staggeringly good beers.) 

Okay, let's start with the Burnt Rock which in 2013 won a gold medal at Montreal's Mondial de la Biere competition. The 5.6% porter uses organic vanilla beans, for starters. (Infomercial voice: "But wait, there're more!")

This beer, Beau's Ashnan Wheat Wine, scared the hell out
of me. Beers never scare me. Ever. And yet, this truly did!

This is all vanilla on the nose with some chocolate and maybe coffee. But on the tongue? Some burnt chocolate malts and only the lightest touch of vanilla. A damn good dessert beer... that I drank as a dessert! Because I care about healthy desserts so suck it, Weight Watchers!

Well now, that 6.7% Mission Accomplished American IPA? This is, hands down, the best IPA Beau's has created thus far. Using organic (there's that healthy word again - I feel like Lee is paying them off) hops from the United States and New Zealand, this 65 IBU (international bitterness units) lip-sweller is all orange and pine on the nose and then grapefruit and bitter on the tongue. This isn't just one of Beau's bests for 2014 - it's one of the best period.

The 6% Winterbrewed Coffee Amber, which scooped a bronze at the 2013 Canadian Brewing Awards, is an interesting beast. A collaboration with Ottawa's Bridgehead Roastery (coffee

I am Groot! No, wait, I am Beau's St Luke's
Verse Lavender Gruit. Better merchandising!!!

folks), this is coffee, caramel and (strangely) citrus on the nose, this is all coffee on the tongue. Beautiful job.

And from this four-pack, the final entry is the St Luke's Verse Lavender Gruit. Okay, back in days of yore, young maidens wanting to know their true love's identity would chant in the evening, "St Luke, be kind to me. In my dreams, let me my true love see." These days, they just use match.com and Tinder. Assuming lavender is a colour and an aroma, I will say it might possibly have lavender on the nose... but I have no idea. I smell ginger and other spices (no idea) on the nose and ginger, ginger, ginger on the tongue. Nice little 5.7% spice bomb that won't Taco Bell you. (Yes, I just verbed Taco Bell... deal with it.)

Finally, let's look at a Beau's beer that has languished in my fridge for a while now - the Ashnan White Wine, a 9.8% barley wine (strong beer) that comes in its own paper bag and is aged in Chardonnay barrels. Look at it. It's scary!!! Okay, Ashnan was the goddess of grain in Mesopotamia, where beer was invented. I was gonna say Egyptian goddess but every reference says Sumerian goddess. Want to know what I know about the Sumerians? How to spell "Sumerian". And I had to cut and paste that.

Hugh Jackman stopped by The Tonight Show with Jimmy
Kimmel to test-drive a motorized beer cooler in a race.
Let's assume Wolverine won... because he's Wolverine!!!

Okay, the few barley wines I've had so far have been thick and dark, This pours and looks like a lager because it's a wheat (hazy) beer of sorts. A bit of wine on the nose but mostly apricot, it's lightly fruity and super-carbonated on the tongue. Not what I was expecting at all. It's pretty good. I like being surprised - but only by beers - not in that Thailand "dude looks like a lady" way.

Okay, as a final note, it turns out Hugh Jackman had no idea that wolverines were actually animals until he filmed the first X-Men movie. Fair enough. He's Australian and wolverines are indigenous to northern Canada so why would he know? I also thought dingoes were imaginary until one ate my baby. (What? Too soon?) What does that have to do with beer? He's drank some in his life. Close enough.

Next up, we finally learn what the connection between Black Creek Historical Brewery (which Cat's sister runs) and Oakville's Trafalgar Brewery is. Strap in. I was surprised - but not in that Thailand way. (I'm over-emphasizing this way too much, aren't I? Honestly, never been there. Recently.)

Okay, guys and dolls, I loves ya but I gotta leaves ya. That's it, that all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain...

Willie... and the year's best!!!

Two of my former Beer Store bosses, Leigh and Willie,
happily pose at Willie's Retirement Party on January 4
at Gator Ted's Tap and Grill in Burlington. I am hoping
that Willie will still hang around to share a pint or five

I said it so often to my young coworkers at the Beer Store that it practically became my mantra. If they were grumbling about the schedule or pretty much anything else the way young kids do, I would point to Willie, our manager, from a distance and say in a very firm voice (a tone not many expect from me), "Maybe you should really appreciate that man over there because you will have many, many bosses in your life but you will never ever again have one this cool or this good again!"

The great majority listened and believed it... maybe one or two didn't. That happens. You're always gonna run into the odd young one whose life and attitude is more miserable and wretched than the lyrics to a Smashing Pumpkins' song. They are the working world equivalent of the movie, "Gone In 60 Seconds", having all the appeal of Nicolas Cage and really, 30 seconds would be nicer. But the truth is, I didn't have to say that to many. It was pretty self-apparent.

But besides both being pretty easy-going people, Willie and I have a lot more in common. We have the same birthday. I don't mean we were both born on Valentine's Day. No, I mean we were both born on the exact same February 14th way too many moons ago.

BEST MIX-SIX OF THE YEAR: With all due apologies to
Mill Street Brewery, which regularly cranks out funky mixed
six-packs, Muskoka Brewing pretty drove this one straight into
 my wheelhouse with their three separate IPAs - the 4.3%
Detour session IPA, the 6.4% Mad Tom IPA and the 8.4%
Twice As Mad Tom IPA. Nothing but hoppy goodness!!!

Now granted since he was spawned in Scotland, which is six hours ahead of Toronto, where I was hatched (and incubated until the tail fell off), we both assume he was born first. But when Willie and I were working together, he told that to anyone standing within earshot. The reactions usually ranged from "Really? That's cool..." to indifference veiled with a dull "I took my ear-buds out to hear this??" expression. However, we had one pretty young spitfire named Stephanie who was a little more blunt. Willie has a bit of middle-age spread and much of his hair deserted him quite some time ago whereas I have more of a shaggy-haired, scraggly-ass skinny surfer dude thing happening. So when Willie told Steffers we shared the same birthday, she looked me up and down and then looked back at Willie and said, "What the hell happened to you???" Trust me, Willie laughed as loudly as I did. But here's the measure of the man. I quit newspapers for a while to work in the public sector (municipal politics) for a five year stretch at one point. One day, I was unexpectedly given my walking papers and believe it or not, I have never been either fired or unemployed. (Believe me - no one is more staggered by that revelation than me.) Frankly, you'd think Human Resources would know the difference between drinking to get drunk and drinking for warmth and comfort. Geez, people, smarten up! Panicked, I picked up the phone and called Willie, a former boss, to see if he had anything available to help me out. "Go buy some steel-toes (work boots). You start tonight." My unemployment lasted less than 24 hours, thanks to my birthday brother from another mother.

BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE OF THE YEAR: My
main man, Curtis, from Hanover's Maclean's Ale poured
me the perfect pint at the Toronto Festival of Beers. But
the boys kept in touch with me via Twitter during the
Summer and tweeted me to let me know a nearby liquor
store had finally started carrying their outstanding
Maclean's Pale Ale. Now that's a step above the norm!!!

I see a lot of negative stuff about my place of employment in the papers these days but from my end, the Beer Store will always be people like Willie so you'll have to forgive me if I view things somewhat differently...

Now moving from the Best Boss I Ever Had, it's time to take a look at the best the Canadian beer world had to offer me in 2014. I did an abbreviated version of this at the end of 2013 so here's the rules: no repeat winners and no seasonals - these beers have to be available year-round. If I had a winner last year, they will be noted in bold italic brackets after the category. Simple enough, yes? Okay, let's play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire... but with beer, not money.

BEST LAGER: (King Brewery Dark Lager) I probably drink a lot less lagers than I used to (thank you, IPAs) but I haven't stopped cold. In fact, this year it was Mill Street Brewery's 100th Meridian Organic Amber Lager that stopped me cold. Using organic prairie malts teamed with Cascade and Bravo hops, this feisty little brew hits the palate with a lot more punch than your typical lager. Also a favourite of Beer Musketeer Glenn and co-worker Marie. Nice job!

BEST DUNKEL: Yes, lagers are getting a little more attention from me than I gave them last year. I see them routinely pounded on RateBeer and feel for them so time for me to give them some long-overdue props. Beer Musketeer Cat and I first tried Side Launch

BEST WHEAT BEER: (Howe Sound King Heffy
Imperial Hefeweizen) Brothers Eric, above right,
and Jeff Doman created Oshawa's Underdog
Brewery in 2014 and since that time, their
outstanding All Or Nothing Hopfenweisse has
popped up on tap in dozens of discerning pubs
throughout the GTA. A touch of bubble gum on
the first sip, that quickly fades to wheat and
banana on the tongue. Hats off to these two. whose
credo is "Beer with no excuses"... True dat, guys!

Brewing's (Collingwood) Dark Lager at the Burlington Beer Festival and we were both bowled over. Spicy on the nose, roasted chocolate on the tongue, this is a little ass-kicker. The beer, formerly known as Denison's Dunkel, will do very very well at my store and I am basing that on my patronage alone...

BEST FRUIT BEER: I am gonna let the ladies decide this one. First Cat, then Marie and finally Ladyfriend Lee all tried and then seriously raved over Turtle Island Brewing's (Ottawa) SMASHed Cherry Ale during different points in 2014. And a gentleman does not argue with ladies, particularly Trish Watson, the cofounder and self-declared "Beer Goddess" of the brewery itself. My Turtle Island favourite is their 6.5% Ixcacao Triple Chocolate Stout... but again, the best way to lose an argument with a lady is to start one so this stands as The Ladies' Choice for 2014.

BEST PILSNER: (Steam Whistle Pilsner) I quite like Creemore Pilsner (Czech style) and Rickard's Blonde (German style) but I am heading to the west coast with this year's winner, Steamworks Brewing's (Vancouver) Pilsner, which captured Best Craft Beer at both the 2011 and 2012 BC Craft Beer Awards. Lightly nutty on the nose, bitter and lightly fruity on the tongue, damn this is a great Czech-style pilsner.

BEST GLUTEN-FREE BEER: Snowman
Brewing (Richmond Hill) have created a
gluten-free Amber Ale with something of a
twist. It actually tastes like beer! Good beer!

BEST PALE ALE: (Spearhead Brewing Hawaiian Style Pale Ale) This is always one of the toughest categories simply because I drink so many of them. Two excellent choices would be my buddy Kevin's favourite Flying Monkeys Hoptical Illusion or Glenn's favourite Rhyme & Reason but in the end, I'm going with Cameron Brewing's (Oakville) California Sunshine American Pale Ale. Citrus and orange rind on the nose, grapefruit on the tongue, this is one mouth-puckering tart treat!

BEST STOUT: (Nickel Brook Old Kentucky Bastard Imperial Stout) Let me take you back in time to last January's frigid Winter Craft Beer Festival at the Steam Whistle Roundhouse. It got so cold that while my co-conspirators lined up at the King Brewery booth to get some warm Thornbury Cider, I refused cider (as I always will) and parked my butt at the next booth over, quaffing back many a F & M Brewery (Guelph) Stonehammer Oatmeal Coffee Stout. If I'm gonna warm up, oatmeal and coffee are key ingredients. Chocolate, vanilla and coffee on the nose, oatmeal on the tongue - that, my friends, is how you properly stay warm in the nasty Canadian winter!!!

BEST FREE CONCERT: When I attended the
Saturday session of the Toronto Festival of Beers, The
Trews were the day's entertainment. Playing a decidedly
cool acoustic set, here lead singer Colin MacDonald
belts one of the East Coast rockers' classic tunes...

BEST LIGHT(ER) BEER: Not personally a fan of the lighter beers but when Rib Eye Jack's Ale House Beer Technician Kylie recommends something, I always listen. In this case it was the Great Lake Brewery's (Toronto) Citraddiction Extra Pale Ale (a session IPA, in essence.) At just 4.4% and 40 IBUs (international bitterness units), this XPA packs some heat, baby! Using Citra hops, it's pine and citrus on the nose, grapefruit and lemon on the tongue. Probably the best session beer I've had yet,

BEST ALE: (Mill Street Brewery Tankhouse Ale) Let's go back to the West Coast, shall we, for yet another winner. I was considering Granville Islands' chocolate and caramel treat Lions Winter Ale but am sneaking across town to give this one to Parallel 49 Brewing's (Vancouver) Gypsy Tears Ruby Ale. Caramel and malt on the nose, light pine and spice on the tongue, this 6% earthy ale has everything! Including, quite possibly, the tears of a gypsy... which is just cool.

BEST PORTER: (Mill Street Brewing Vanilla Porter) I don't hate pumpkin ales, I loathe them. Stupidest Autumn fad ever! In essence, this category could be called the Best Bad Fad Beer. So when Nickle Brook Brewery created this year's, they didn't do an ale. No, they created Pissed Off Pete's Pumpkin Porter. Using actual pumpkins instead of say pie filling, this was dark, delicious, spicy and yes, even a tad pumpkiny. I enjoyed it so much, I bought more and shared it with friends. For a pumpkin beer, that's a first.

BEST SAISON: Four Winds Brewing (Delta, BC)
head brewer Brent Mills holds up their delicious 6.1%
Saison. Citrus on the nose, tart and tangy on the tongue,
this was the single best saison I enjoyed this past year!!!

BEST INDIA PALE ALE: (Flying Monkeys Smashbomb Atomic IPA) As much as I love my IPAs, I have a buddy who is 14,129 kilometres (8,779 miles) away in Wellington, New Zealand, who loves them a wee bit more and had been drinking them much much longer. So how is Beer Musketeer Stevil St Evil gonna pick the Canada's Best IPA from that distance? Well, a few months back, Glenn mailed him three beers: two Central City Brewing (Surrey, BC) Red Racer IPA (6.5%, 80 IBUs) and one Nickel Brook Headstock IPA (7.5%, also 80 IBUs), my hometown favourite. Gotta be honest, Red Racer has an unfair advantage as Stevil used to bartend with Central City Brewmaster Gary Lohin back in his Vancouver days during the 1990s. Stevil has been chomping at the bit to get his old buddy's beer into his Wellington perch. As expected, Stevil absolutely loved his buddy's beer. Less expected was " ...but holy crap, that Nickel Brook Headstock was even better - outstanding!!!" Game, set and match to Nickel Brook Headstock IPA as Stevil now knows why I buy this stuff by the two-litre (64 ounce) growlers. Okay, okay, usually three growlers at a time because, well, I get pretty thirsty in the Winter... also in the Spring... and Summer... and Autumn... I don't play seasonal favourites.

Well, as I said to my neighbour, "I'm sorry I dropped your baby but you have to acknowledge that you picked a bad time to tell me there were tasty snacks." And just like then, it's time for me to get the flock outta here. But speaking of last year, I have a Beau's All Natural Brewing Best of 2014 Four-Pack in the fridge, plus a couple of more fine Beau's products and I give Trafalgar Brewing another go with their Chocolate Orange Porter... plus Beer Musketeers Cat and Blair's birthday bash on Saturday!!! But guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain as always...

It was a very Marie Christmas...

Let them eat cake!!! We only put four candles on Marie's
birthday cake because of the strict fire code regulations
at my favoured Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington ...

When we held my co-worker Marie's 40th Birthday Party at Rib Eye Jack's Ale House in Burlington on December 20, I got a text from another co-worker Michele who was on route with her hubby, Ken, and the home-made birthday cake.

The text was fairly simple: "Can you see if the bar has candles?"

Fair enough. I wandered over to the bar and asked Kylie, the establishment's all-knowing beer technician, that very question.

"Candles?" she asked, her brow furrowing as she thought hard. "Candles? Who makes it?"

Resisting the urge to say "people with too much wax on their hands," I smiled and noted, "Birthday candles... for a cake." She laughed loudly and quickly noted that, yes, they had plenty of candles!

But I honestly understand her confusion. In the one month that I have known her, Kylie and I have talked about and bonded over just one thing - craft beer. No world politics, no weather, no sports, no Ebola Virus - just exceptional craft beer.

Ken and the Holograms (although sometimes they use HoloGrahams in
honour of bass player Graham) were our entertainment on birthday night!

But I'm putting the cart ahead of the horse here... causing my Amish brethren around me no small amount of grief. (Seriously, Jebediah, piss off! Go churn some damn butter.) No, let's talk about how this little birthday bash came to be. You see, Marie has the misfortune of being born on December 25. Due to, well, Christianity at large, her birthday gets overshadowed by some kid born a long long time ago in a manger far far away... named Hans Solo. And we decided screw the Millenium Falcon - it was high time Marie got her due and that we all stopped ignoring her birthday the same way we ignore Gord at work.

So we created a little Facebook page called Marie Vs The Baby Jeebus Birthday Bash and well, once it's on Facebook, it's a real thing, right? And we were set once the date was selected, followed by the locale. The fact that Rib Eye Jack's Ale House is my favourite bar, not to mention super-close to my place, played no role whatsoever because I can honestly say Marie loves the place. And even if she didn't love it, I firmly believe she would have learned to love it. Given time. Starting on this particular day. So about 10 of us jammed into the joint and got ready for a little birthday fun.

Marie's son Kyle started with beer, switched to
rum and then whiskey and bourbon as Saturdays
is their "Add A Second Shot For A Buck" Night

For one of us, the night nearly ended early as Marie's son, Kyle, 21, forgot his ID. (Legal drinking age in Ontario is 19 but if you're American, go to Quebec instead, where I think legal age is whatever the bartender feels like that night. Could be 14, could be 17...) "Where did you leave it?" I asked, thinking it was likely in nearby Oakville, should the matter become an issue. "Uh, Brampton," he confessed. Okay, maybe not so nearby. But it never became an issue and I should note Kyle had a lot of fun, holding his own against the bigger drinking kids like me, Beer Musketeer Glenn and his Mom. He started the evening with a Flying Monkeys Hoptical Illusion Not So Pale Ale but insisted on drinking it out of the bottle. I told him to really enjoy it, he had to pour it in a proper glass, to which he defiantly noted, "Why?" Time to enlist the Birthday Girl. "Tell him why, Marie!" Showing that she still remembered all of our Beer Academy training, Marie patiently explained that your sense of smell plays a larger role than your taste-buds in the taste of a fine pint, as well as releasing the carbonation into the glass rather than your stomach (giving you that bloated feeling) and thus, holding the flavour in the glass. "Besides," I added, tapping into the wisdom of Solomon, "it just looks better in a glass! We do it so it must be cool!!!" (Let's assume that he didn't buy that...)

And while we will never make an IPA drinker out of Kyle (he winced just smelling the IPAs and IIPAs that Glenn and I were piling back), this funny, feisty IT student won Comeback Of The Night, when I was bragging about the fact that

I must say that Beer Musketeer Glenn seemed
to enjoy the best Rib Eye Jack's has to offer...

all my beers were in the 9%-10% zone. You see, Kyle started with beer but before long, he was ordering off their whiskey/bourbon menu as Saturdays are "Second Shot For A Buck" Night at Rib Eye Jack's. After I triumphantly declared that my big, badass IIPAs ruled the school, he looked at me and simply noted, "Everything I've been drinking is 40%. What's your point?" Lesson here? Never go one-on-one against IT students.

But adding a vowel and shifting away from Kyle to beer technician Kylie, thanks to another of Glenn's infamous cross-border one-hour beer excursions into the USA (next time take some KY, dude, because they are gonna bend you over the car hood after being red-flagged so often), I was able to do a pay-it-forward Christmas beer with my favourite young beer technician. Glenn had brought me a Stone Brewing (Escondido, California) Ruination IIPA, pretty much my favourite beer in the world (so far) and when Kylie popped by the table, I gifted her with it. Now while that seemed to genuinely surprise and delight her, you will never get a leg up on a beer technician. Within the hour, while our birthday bash carried on, Kylie had gifted me back a Victory Brewing (Downingtown, Pennsylvania) Hop Devil IPA. We can all stop pretending that Christmas is truly about the spirit of giving because you know what? Receiving doesn't exactly suck, either!!! No sir, it does not...

Okay, my Christmas gift, the
Victory Brewing Hop Devil IPA was
all pine on the nose with some nice
caramel and citrus on the tongue! A
well-deserved 99 on RateBeer...

But it was also Marie's birthday so gifts must be given. Glenn made a wise choice gifting her with an illegally-smuggled (seriously, I'm buying stocks in KY Jelly before Glenn's next trip) Sierra Nevada Brewing's (Chico, California) Pale Ale which at 96 must be one of the higher-rated pale ales on RateBeer. While up until now, not available in Ontario, it turns out that a distribution company will be bringing the outstanding beer to our liquor stores sometimes in March, followed by their Sierra Nevada Torpedo Extra IPA not long afterwards. You will have to visualize this but because of this news, I am doing my Happy Dance. It's really quite uncoordinated and very white. Also I just fell. And can't get up. Pass me a beer.

Now since Marie and her beau Ernie have frequented my local brewery, Nickel Brook, on numerous occasions, I went there for her gift whereupon brewery owner John got me a bottle of Old Kentucky Bastard Imperial Stout - their Bolshevik Bastard Stout, aged an additional year in a bourbon barrel. Except John scored me one that had been stored in the back and aged yet another year, making it as smooth as Dr. Evil's head. Not only did Marie drink it, she also made barbeque sauce with it, declaring it outstanding as both a beverage and a food group. BBQ sauce is a food group by itself, right? No? Well, it should be. Who do I petition to make this happen? And can they be bought off with BBQ sauce?

My first offering of the evening was a
Bellwoods Brewery Boogie Monster IIPA.
a hop blast in a tall glass. (Glass, Kyle!!!)

While the birthday girl happily pounded down Mill Street Cobblestone Stout, an Anchor Brewing Steam Lager, a Mill Street Vanilla Porter (her favourite of the night) and a Spearhead Brewing Hawaiian Style Pale Ale (as well as a handful of whiskeys - Kyle comes by it honestly), my night was dedicated to the most lethal of brews - the Imperial IPA. I started with a Bellwood Brewery (Toronto) Boogie Monster IIPA. Pouring a deep orange, as you can see to the right, this 8% brew is both pineapple and grapefruit on the nose, all bitter citrus rinds on the tongue. I honesty have not had a bad or even mediocre Bellwoods beer yet. There can only be one plausible explanation for this. There be witches in that brewery! Burn them... burn them with fire!!! Okay, maybe not, just in case they're not witches because, well... murder (even of witches) remains illegal. Salem kind of wrecked that for, y'know, the witch-burning aficionados.

Okay, I have to give some serious props to tiny Barnstormer Brewery and Pizzeria (you read that right) in Barrie. Open for just two years, I had their F-Bomb Blonde Ale on the Toronto Craft Brew Cruise (nice summer beer) but when I saw their Falconer's Flight IIPA on the extensive beer menu, well, it was a date!

Dustin Norlund, the owner of Barnstormer
Brewery and Pizzeria, puts Barrie on the map
when it comes to top-notch craft beer brewing

Using Citra, Simcoe and Sorachi Ace hops, this 8%, 80 IBU (international bitterness units) beer pours dark copper and is all citrus on the nose with pine and mango on the tongue. Hats off to brewery owner Dustin Norland - he is truly changing the craft beer landscape in his tiny corner of Barrie!!!

I took a quick respite from IIPAs with Muskoka Brewing's Winter Jack Barrel-Aged Double Chocolate Cranberry Stout because I felt I wasn't quite vocal enough at this point and stouts are like a big bowl of Loudmouth Soup to me. This 9% ass-kicker was all chocolate and (to my surprise) cherries on the nose with a healthy heap of vanilla, dark chocolate, cranberry and bourbon on the tongue. Outstanding winter beer!!!

Okay, finally, before I get to Innocente Brewery's (Waterloo) Guilty Conscience IIPA, let me talk briefly about hockey. To be specific, the World Junior Championships being played right now in Canada, featuring the best 17 and 18 year old players in the world. Now I guarantee you if, say, Canada and Russia played the hardest game of the series that went into triple overtime before a shoot-out and then stumbled into their dressing rooms to collapse in a collective heap of teenage sweat, those two dressing rooms would still smell better than Guilty Conscience IIPA.

A wine drinker no more? The Lovely
Lee has been won over by Granville
Island Brewing's Lions Winter Ale...

Seriously, this 7.5% seasonal beer stinks. So there's some never-been-washed jock strap on the nose but the taste? Damn, that's a nice double IPA with citrus, grapefruit and caramel on the tongue. Still, I probably would have told Kyle, "Yeah, just drink this one from the bottle, dude!"

Okay, keeping in mind that clouds probably look at us and say, "Yeah, that one is shaped like an idiot", let's wind this down. A quick note first: my pretty companion Lee is a long-time wine drinker but I recently had her sampling the following: Spearhead Hawaiian Style Pale Ale, Collective Arts Rhyme & Reason Pale Ale, Faxe Red Ale, Nickel Brook Headstock IPA and Granville Island's Lions Winter Ale. She liked them all but the Lions Winter Ale? "I'm tasting chocolate and caramel in this!!!! This is really delicious!!!" Going back to her South African white wine, she bemoaned, "This is so bland after all those flavours in all those beers." I may have a convert on my hands here. Further to that, this is the fifth Christmas in a row where I have received no Christmas Cards from anyone in Africa. Seriously, do they know it's Christmas Time at all???

Okay, in a day or two, the lazy-man Best of 2014 is coming and then next weekend, we have Beer Musketeers Cat and Blair's collective birthdays at the B & C's Craft Beer Bonanza at the Real Sports Bar and Grill in Toronto - the only bar I know with a 46-foot high-def TV screen. Also they serve beer so... Okay, guys and dolls, that's it, that's all and I am outta here!!! Until next time, I remain...